Random Thoughts- Do They Have Meaning?: Bathroom Stuff

Showing posts with label Bathroom Stuff. Show all posts

A Little Digestive Distress- Chicken Vindaloo

One of my favorites shared yet again with you.

I wrote a post called the The First Pregnant Man in which I mentioned that I went mad with desire for food. I put on an eating exhibition the likes of which hadn't been seen in quite some time.

If you are sensitive to bathroom humor or similar items you might want to skip the rest of this post because this is going to fall in the too much information for some of you.

The problem with eating like that is not just the caloric intake, but the radioactive fall out that comes along with it. My body just won't put up with it any more and after a while it decides that the best thing to do is to punish me for my iniquities.

This is one of the reasons why I don't eat spicy food all that often anymore. I still very much enjoy it but the result is most unpleasant.

There was a point in time when I had a lot of trouble accepting that I couldn't do the things I used to do anymore and like so many other people I engaged in a bad case of denial and tried to maintain my old habits.

For a while it had mixed results and then came the night of the Chicken Vindaloo.

I was out with friends at a new Indian restaurant. I'd provide the name but if they knew that I was still alive they might come after me with pitchforks and I'd rather not go through that again.

It started out innocently enough. I ordered a plain water, medium dry and hold the ice. As the waiter went around the table asking for our order I asked for a recommendation and he recommended the Chicken Vindaloo.

That sounded good to me so I asked him to bring me a plate. He smiled and asked if I wanted the spicy version. I smiled back and asked him how spicy it was.

"I can make it so spicy you'll have problems tomorrow morning," he said with that same Cheshire cat grin.

That was enough of a challenge to me to accept and so I did. If only I had considered my situation more carefully. You see I was in a small restaurant that offered a single restroom for all of the patrons.

I hate places like that. They make me uncomfortable and I tend to avoid them like the plague, but not that night. Nope, I was feeling bulletproof, invincible and nothing anyone said or did was going to stop me from enjoying my evening.

A short time later the waiter returned with our order and I began to enjoy my Chicken Vindaloo. It was great, just fabulous. I was quite pleased with my decision and dug into my meal with great relish and enthusiasm.

It was a mistake.

I hadn't been eating for more than ten minutes or so when I heard/felt a familiar rumble emanate from my belly. Apparently it was loud enough that the others at the table heard it too. Concerned looks were pointed in my direction but I smiled and waved them off. No need to be worried, this was nothing.

Seconds later I realized it was more than nothing and I flew out of my seat, vaulted over two tables and spun around two waiters. I needed that bathroom and I needed it NOW! Fortune smiled upon me, it was empty.

I jumped inside locked the door and fumbled for my belt like a newlywed on his wedding night. For a moment my fingers lost all coordination and I hopped up and down begging for a second longer. Finally I flipped it off and jumped onto the toilet.

Splash! For the first time in my life I cursed a man for leaving the toilet seat up, but that was the least of my worries. My entire rear end felt like it was on fire and I was most unhappy.

Simultaneously there was a knock on the door and a voice asking me if I was ok. It was the last thing I wanted to hear and I responded accordingly. In my best pirate voice I growled:

"There do be flames shooting out of my ass. It is a good thing that there do be water in the toilet. Arrgh!"

This must have made a great impact upon them as I heard/felt them step backwards and fall down on the floor.

For an undetermined amount of time I unhappily savaged the porcelain goddess and cried out to the heavens begging for relief. It was like a scene from one of those Lifetime for women movies. I alternately laughed and cried.

Finally the storm ended and I gingerly stood up and readied myself to exit the door. With great trepidation I reached out for the handle and turned it to the right. A soft push on the door and I was blessed with cool fresh air and the sweet savory scent of freedom.

I must have been quite a sight because as I shuffled back to the table a path opened for me. People moved out of the way as if I was Moses parting the Red Sea. When I got there I found a white take out box that had been used to collect the remnants of my Chicken Vindaloo.

It took great effort and care to pick that box up. I knew that the initial bout with the storm was over and that it would be dangerous to do anything that would upset the delicate ecosystem that had been established in my gut.

Outside in the cool night air a homless man approached and asked me for some help. In response I gave him my Chicken Vindaloo and wished him well. I don't know what happened to that guy. I don't know if he had better luck or if I was the only lucky one.

All I know is that the car ride home was fraught with suspense. I had to make many stops, but I don't think that I care to relive those or to share anymore of the story of the night I had the Chicken Vindaloo.

You'll have to excuse me now, my stomach is starting to hurt.

A Bathroom Ambassador

Alright Charmin, my dysfunctional digestive system and I will give you some free publicity.You offered some decent cash to serve as a bathroom ambassador. I even considered applying, but I am a warm weather guy and the moola wasn't quite enough to gain my interest, came close but....

Today, Charmin, America's favorite toilet paper brand, launches a national job search to find five outgoing and enthusiastic people to work in New York City's Times Square Charmin Restrooms this holiday season for a salary of $10,000 each! The five chosen "Charmin Ambassadors" will interact with hundreds of thousands of restroom guests, while getting paid to revel in their own "love of the loo." This isn't your ordinary 9 AM - 5 PM job, and Charmin only asks that candidates should enjoy going to the bathroom so much - whether it be to catch up on reading or just enjoy some "me time" - they never want to leave.

It is A Bathroom Revolution

Friends you know that one of my goals here at the Shack is to provide you with information and resources that you can use to improve your life. Our team of experts is always hard at work sniffing out the best deals and products from around the globe.

Today I am pleased to inform you that we have discovered a device that will revolutionize your bathroom experience. Chances you have never thought about a good toilet accessory, but this is it.

In the video below you'll learn about the first improvement to toilet paper as know it since the 1880s. For a mere pittance you can pick up the Comfort Wipe.

For those who have missed out on past reviews of useful products here is a list of links that you might find to be useful.

How to Make Hard Boiled Eggs
What Not to Do-Snakebites
The Cubicle Celebrates 40 Years
How Velcro Was Invented
My New Desk- I Have To Get One
London Restaurant Tries To Solve Gas Crisis
Who Wants To Buy An Artificial Foreskin
Untapped Sources of Energy
The Mangroomer
Business Cards That Will Get You Business
Medical Technology- The future is now
Inventions You have Got T0 Have (Includes the ladies urinal, toilet forehead support system and much more.)
The Nose Pouch How Much Would it Cost To Build The Death Star
Lose Weight With The Greatest Exercise Ever
The Best Clothing You'll Ever Own
When Disaster Strikes- Blow Up Your House
A free guide to the toilets of the world

Take Your Toilet to Dinner

I mulled over stealing Time's line Diarrhea for dinner? but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I chose the less outrageous title so that I could blog about a restaurant called Modern Toilet.

Now that is the kind of thing that you don't really considering as the name of an eating establishment, at least not as an adult. However as the father of young children scatalogical humor is something that we use frequently. Let's take a look at part of the article:

Diarrhea for dinner? That's the point. "It's supposed to shock and confuse the senses," says Modern Toilet Manager Chen Min-kuang. But as Jennifer Finch, an American who was dining there described it, "They do it tastefully. It's all very clean."

Every customer sits on a stylish acrylic toilet (lid down) designed with roses, seashells or renaissance paintings. Everyone dines at a glass table with a sink underneath. The servers bring your meal atop a mini-toilet bowl (quite convenient, as it brings the food closer to your mouth), you sip drinks from your own plastic urinal (a souvenir), and for dessert, soft swirl ice cream atop a dish shaped like a squat toilet."

But wait, take a look at the names of some of the dishes

The reasonably priced food ranges from curries, pasta, fried chicken amd Mongolian hot pot, to elaborate shaved iced desserts with names like "diarrhea with dried droppings" (chocolate), "bloody poop" (strawberry), and "green dysentery" (kiwi). Despite the disturbing descriptions, the desserts were great. But after seeing curry drip down a mini-toilet, I may never have that sauce again.

I may have to take a trip to Taiwan just to get my own souvenir urinal because that is the kind of thing that you can't find just anywhere.

Crappy Service on a Slow News Day

Friends this is the type of story that we have to cover, but we readily admit that it stinks.

What should you do when your toilet dies in the line of "doody"? Have a funeral, of course.
On Friday at 10 a.m., the Carl's Jr. restaurant in Centerville will have a "moment of silence" for the potty that was destroyed last week when a patron's handgun fell out of the holster and fired as he was hitching up his pants.

The bullet shattered the toilet and sent sharp shards into the man's arm. The 26-year-old, who had a concealed-weapons permit, was treated at the scene for minor injuries.

But the "john" was destroyed, and the national hamburger chain is feeling the loss. "By all accounts, it was a good toilet; reliable and well liked by customers and crew members alike," wrote Brad Haley, executive vice president of Carl's Jr. marketing, in a tongue-in-cheek note posted on the company's Facebook page.

"It seems only fitting to have a formal service to let everyone say goodbye to such a critical member of our team that was in very close contact with the public each and every day," Haley eulogized. "Our thoughts go out to the surviving men's room urinal and porcelain sink. We only hope that the new toilet can fill the void left by its predecessor, but so far it hasn't made much of a splash."

A free guide to the toilets of the world

From our friends at New Scientist we offer: A free guide to the toilets of the world

It is a story about how the Swiss have produced a guide to every type of toilet in the world. This is the sort of information that you might not ever come across and hopefully never need, but just in case you do....

All it takes is one good earthquake or a three hour tour on the Minnow and you might wish that you had this guide to help you. So go ahead and print it out. ;)

Tokyo Shakes and It is Outhouse Central

Maybe I won't go visit Japan. They're telling people to walk around with plastic bags and toilet paper just in case.

"In the event of a catastrophic earthquake, Japanese officials say more than 800,000 people would have trouble finding a toilet in Tokyo.

As a result, Masaya Takahashi, a cabinet official, tells the Associated Press that the Central Disaster Prevention Council determined that "toilet needs" require more attention from government planners.

"He noted that the search for toilets might cause unnecessary panic," the wire service says. "The city has said it plans to make toilets available at schools, convenience stores, gas stations and other public facilities, but the report urged further effort."

This is a major public health issue. Reuters says the panel reported that the "biggest problem faced by survivors of the [1995] Kobe earthquake was not food or clothing, but a lack of toilets."

Man Goes to Court After Butt Stapled Shut

This story is too bizarre to pass up.

"BALTIMORE - A West Virginia man is suing a Frederick County, Md., doctor for allegedly stapling his rectum shut during an operation, preventing the patient from defecating for 17 days,"

For more on the story please click here.

On a side note I cannot help but wonder how long the man waited before going to see his doctor about this. Something about this story stinks. My apologies for providing this sort of crap for you to read.

His Ass Burst Right Into Flames

My buddy Attila is responsible for this post as he found the story of the incinerating toilet. Now before we get too far up the creak without our paddle let me say that the title of the post is intentionally inflammatory.

But I just can't help myself. In fact if I didn't engage in the occasional attempt at scatalogical humor I'd have to raise a bit of a stink. Anyhoo, let's take a closer look.

"ECOJOHN™ Sr is a waterless self-contained toilet that incinerates the waste into a sterile ash that needs to be emptied only a few times per year. Installing the Sr is also very easy. Simply connect the chimney system (than comes with the purchase), hook up the Propane and power connection, and the toilet is ready to use."

I am still laughing. It reminds me of a small variation on the old exploding cigar trick.

I'll let you use your imagination as to what that picture might look like. ;)

Sorry, I am sure that the product works exceptionally well, but I am a bit paranoid about a toilet that uses propane. The term flagrante delicto comes to mind, although it is probably not exactly the one I am looking for.

There is just something about getting caught with my pants down around my ankles while astride a potty that might pop. Talk about a need for no smoking in the bathroom. Oy!

And You Thought Quantas was Safe

This is the kind of thing that would make me crazy.

"Qantas has been hit by another embarrassing flight incident, this time diverting an aircraft because the plane's toilets were full.
The Sydney Morning Herald reports that flight QF571, flying from Sydney to Perth, was forced to stage an unplanned stop in Adelaide in order to empty the toilets.

The flight had originated in Honolulu, but ground staff forgot to empty the toilets when the plane landed in Sydney. An hour into the plane's next flight, three of the toilets had stopped working.

"They told us that under any reasonable calculation, the rest of them would go pretty quickly," one businessman told Fairfax Media during the plane's cleaning stop in Adelaide.

"All this discussion of toilets triggered an urgent need to go in just about everyone," he said.

"We did ask for more red wine to be brought on board, but it was felt not to be a priority."

The incident came after another Qantas flight was delayed for 16 hours yesterday in London with a rudder problem. Passengers spent the night in hotel rooms provided by Qantas.

Want to know more? Click here.

The World's Strongest Penis

My children provide a never ending source of blog fodder. The questions they ask, the stories they tell and the things that they do provide a steady pipeline of material. The hard part is that some of these stories seem to repeat themselves over and over, with just a slight variation on how they are told/come about.

This next story comes courtesy of the lad that the good people call "Little Jack."

He recently told me that he is the smartest boy in the house. When I asked why he explained that I don't go to school and that I have an "old brain." Anyway, the conversation meandered about and eventually led to our standard question and answer time. The "Q&A" session is something that we do on a regular basis. It gives him a chance to ask me to answer the burning questions on his mind and it provides me with a chance to try and pick his brain about his day.

The conversation about The World's Strongest Penis began as a discussion about how to use public urinals. That is a conversation that we have had a number of times. In a different post I'll have to rant and rave about how some women tried to teach him and the other boys to pee. It may sound ridiculous, but there is a reason for my irritation.

For now let's talk about how some of the boys at camp have helped educate him about all sorts of stuff, including new and exciting vocabulary words.

Son: Dad, Jake says that his mom told him that the penis is a man's strongest muscle.
Me: His mom and dad don't live together, do they.

Son: No, how'd did you know that?
Me: Just a hunch. What else did Jake say?

Son: He said that his dad had the most powerful penis in the world. I said that he was wrong and that you do.
Me: (Mental note to self: Add note to resume, "most powerful penis in the world.) Oh you did. I appreciate that, but you don't need to tell people that. It is a private thing.

Son: Ok, I'll tell him that you don't want to talk about your penis.
Me: That's ok. You don't need to tell him. In fact it is probably better that you don't discuss it.

Son: Why, are you embarrassed about your penis?
Me: No, I am perfectly happy with it. It works just the way it is supposed to. Remember when we talked about a broken penis. Everything is fine, it is just not something that we discuss with others.

Son: What about the doctor? Can we talk to the doctor about our penis?
Me: Yes, the doctor is fine.

Son: How about a policeman? Can we talk to the policeman?
Me: Only if you need to file a missing penis report. (Sometimes I just can't help myself.)

Son: Can people steal your penis? (you can't imagine the look of horror on his face.)
Me: No, I just exaggerating. No one can steal your penis. It is attached just like your arm or leg.

Son: But if you have an accident you can cut off your arm or your leg. What if you had an accident and you cut off your penis.
Me: Might be kind of hard to pee. I don't think that you have to worry about that one.

Son: You can't cut off Superman's penis unless you have Kryptonite.
Me: I have never thought about it, but I suppose you're right.

Son: And Iron Man is safe. You can't cut off an iron penis.
Me: Actually Iron Man is a guy who wear a special suit. Outside of his armor he is vulnerable.

Son: He better not take off his suit, someone might cut his penis off.
Me: He is a comic book hero, that kind of stuff never happens to them. Do you have any more questions?

Son: How strong is your penis?
Me: I don't know. It is not like your arms or legs. It doesn't have to be strong to do its job.

Son: Why did Jake's mom say that it is a strong muscle?
Me: I don't know.

Son: That doesn't make sense.
Me: You're going to find that life is full of things that don't make sense. Has Jake's mom said anything else?

You'll have to stay tuned for the rest of the conversation. In the meantime if you're interested in posts that are somewhat related you're welcome to read the stuff below.

Penis Talk Revisited
My Penis Died
More Questions about Body Parts
Great Moments In Parenting- Parts of our Body That Grow

London Restaurant Tries To Solve Gas Crisis

I think that I'll let others try this out first. Forgive me for being crass, but I fear eating something that will cause flames to shoot out of my ass.

LONDON (AFP) - A London restaurant was serving up Thursday what it hopes will be confirmed as the world's hottest curry, with even the chef admitting it is "too extreme" to keep on the menu.
Vivek Singh at The Cinnamon Club grabbed some of the hottest chilli peppers known to man to create the Bollywood Burner, a lamb-based dish with a fierce kick.

The curry is so hot that diners are asked to sign a disclaimer confirming they are aware of the risks involved before daring to eat it.

The Bollywood Burner is being submitted to Guinness World Records for verification of its status as the planet's hottest curry. The verdict should be announced within three weeks.

Student Toby Steele, 19, from Brighton on the southern English coast, was the first to taste the Bollywood Burner.

"I'm usually a korma man and I suspect this is the hottest thing I've ever tasted," he said.

"It was nice actually, you could really taste the spices.

"The initial taste isn't that hot but now, a couple of minutes later, I feel a bit floaty and light-headed."
The dish, inspired by cuisine from Hyderabad in southern India, includes the Naga and its seeds -- confirmed by Guinness World Records as the hottest chilli pepper in the world.

On the Scoville scale of piquancy, the Naga scores 855,000 -- more than 100 times hotter than the jalapeno, which measures 8,000 on the scale.

Use The Toilet and Make Money

Here is something that most of us probably have never thought about.

"The remote town of Musiri in the Tamil Nadu state has hit upon a unique idea to teach its residents proper hygiene: Pay them money each time they use the toilet.
Users can make up to $0.14 a month to relieve themselves in a specially constructed toilet. Not a princely sum, but it's extra cash flow that low-income residents can make just for answering nature's call.
The government-backed program serves two purposes: It encourages people to discard age-old practices of urinating and defecating in the open, leading to diseases. And the waste products go into research to test their effectiveness as fertilizers.
"We're motivating people to know the value of their urine," said Marathi Subburaman, who came up with the novel idea. "The urine that is collected goes into fields for paddy crops, and of course the feces becomes good compost in a matter of months."
Aid groups estimate that more than 330 million people in India do not have access to proper sanitation facilities. And in the case of Musiri, many residents relieve themselves on river banks, leading to infectious diseases such as diarrhea.
And while both governmental and non-governmental agencies have taken on projects to build toilets in rural areas, they also have had to undertake campaigns to encourage people to use them.
The Musiri plan seems to be working, Subburaman said. About 150 residents use the eco-sanitation toilet daily. It has special chambers that collect the fecal matter that researchers then use as fertilizer.
It's a win-win scenario, said Subburaman.
His nonprofit Society for Community Organisation and People's Education (SCOPE) has teamed up with Tamil Nadu Agricultural University, and the two are studying how much urine is needed to fertilize a field.
"Next year, we can install urine banks so we can sell the urine to farmers," he said."

Here are some more bathroom tales from the blog:

Jack's Experience In the Ladies Room
For A Good Time Call...
New & Improved Toilet- Fish 'n Flush
Urine For a Tale- Or Pissed Off About Peeing
High Tech Toilet Seat

The Worst Place To Have Plumbing Problems

I can't think of too many places that could possibly be more problematic than in outer space. I hope that they have plenty of bottles and pots, or at least corks and rubber bands.

"WASHINGTON (AP) -- The international space station's lone toilet is broken, leaving the crew with almost nowhere to go. So NASA may order an in-orbit plumbing service call when space shuttle Discovery visits next week.
Until then, the three-man crew will have to make do with a jury-rigged system when they need to urinate.
While one of the crew was using the Russian-made toilet last week, the toilet motor fan stopped working, according to NASA. Since then, the liquid waste gathering part of the toilet has been working on-and-off.
Fortunately, the solid waste collecting part is functioning normally.
Russian officials don't know the cause of the problem, and the crew has been unable to fix it.
The crew has used the toilet on the Soyuz return capsule, but it has a limited capacity. They now are using a backup bag-like collection system that can be connected to the broken toilet, according to NASA public affairs officials."

For the full story flush here.

How Do Fighter Pilots Go To The Bathroom

Here at the Shack we are proud purveyors of news about all sorts of things, including bodily functions. We have a certain appreciation for the call of nature and have wondered about how pilots take care of this.

There is something somewhat comical about the image of the tough fighter pilot waltzing off his plane with a big stain in their flight suit. Anyway, CNN has the details about a potential solution to this problem.

Is it just me or does the Advanced Mission Extender Device sound like a sex toy.

"WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Where do fighter pilots traveling faster than the speed of sound go when they really need to "go"?
Until recently, the answer has been: into a bag.
But it's not a great solution. "Piddle packs" -- heavy-duty bags containing absorbent sponges -- have been blamed for at least two crashes over the years, and they're not always tidy.
A few years ago, after enduring years of complaints from pilots, the Air Force let it be known that it was looking for an answer.
A small medical equipment development company in Milton, Vermont answered the call.
"The DoD put out a list of projects they needed solutions for," said Mark Harvie, president of Omni Medical Solutions. "Bladder relief for pilots was one of the items on the list and we were looking for a new project," he said.
After four years of testing by the Vermont Air National Guard and the Air Force and about $5 million in government and private funds, AMXD is spelling relief for pilots aloft.
Under the old system, pilots routinely avoid liquids before taking off to prevent the unmentionable. But dehydration can make them more susceptible to the G-forces typically seen in fighter aircraft, Harvie said.
When nature's call becomes too pressing to ignore, a pilot has to fly and unbuckle the harness at the same time -- while using both hands to maneuver around in a seat to which he or she is virtually molded.
The aerobatic maneuver is even harder for female pilots.
On long or cold-weather flights, the amount of gear and clothing made the maneuver nearly impossible, and pilots would sometimes have no choice but to relieve themselves in their flight suits.
In the AMXD, a cup for a man and a pad for a woman is strategically placed before the pilot dons a flight suit.
An instructional DVD tells pilots: "When the time comes to urinate, unzip the flight suit, remove the hose.... The control unit will pump the urine from the cup to the collection bag, where it will be chemically gelled."

Remind me not to touch the gel. ;) BTW, if you are interested in reading more of the bathroom news you just can't live without you can click here or here.

We Won't Be Shaking Hands

Yesterday I learned more about one of the guys at the gym then I wanted to know. Here is the scene.

I walk into the locker room and head to the bathroom. As I enter the room I see "Tom" walk out of a stall. He is barefoot and completely naked. Apparently he doesn't worry about athletes foot, but why should he.

Within moments of leaving the stall he manages to pick his nose, scratch his tuchus and then stick his hand out in greeting.

I look at him and tell him that it is nothing personal, but I'd rather he wash his hands first. But what I really am thinking is that if he ever invites me over to dinner I am going to be busy that day.

I am not easily grossed out, but that whole scene was bad.

Stuck on The Toilet

I have had moments where I have spent more time in the bathroom then I'd like, but this is too much. Am I the only one who thinks that the boyfriend is weird.

WICHITA, Kansas (AP) -- A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.
"She is an adult; she made her own decision," said her boyfriend, Kory McFarren. "I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it."
The case drew nationwide attention after Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom.
"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."
McFarren, 36, said he can't be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because "time just went by so quick I can't pinpoint how long." He said beatings she received in her childhood caused her phobia.

McFarren said he finally called police February 27 after he became worried because Babcock was acting groggy -- like she didn't know what was going on, except she was awake.
What emergency responders found when they went into bathroom has left residents of this small western Kansas town buzzing, and law enforcement officials incredulous.
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.
"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

For A Good Time Call...

I have quickly learned that having children who can read presents all sorts of new challenges. My son reads everything and anything he sees. I love it. I love watching the excitement in his eyes as he sounds out new words. I love it when he asks me to what words mean and how to use them. But sometimes it does present challenges.

During a recent trip to the mall we had to make a stop at one one of the bathrooms. The interior of the stall was decorated in the latest graffiti. This was one of those unforeseen challenges that parenting seems to be chock full of.

Son: Who is Julie?
Dad: Julie who?

Son: I don't know her last name.
Dad: Why not?

Son: It didn't say.
Dad: What didn't say?

Son: It just said her first name.
Dad: What did.

Son: The writing in the bathroom.
Dad: It did?

Son: Yes. It said "For a good time call Julie."
Dad: Oh.

Son: Is she fun to play with?
Dad: I don't know.

Son: Does she have a lot of good toys?
Dad: I don't know.

Son: Why did it say to call her? Does she like playing with boys?
Dad: I don't know. Maybe someone is playing a trick on her.

Son: Would you like playing with Julie?
Dad: I don't know her.

Son: It says that you'd have fun. Maybe you should call her. You've been grumpy lately.
Dad: I don't think Julie wants to hear from me.

Son: She might. You could teach her things. She might like to learn some tricks from you.
Dad: That's ok. She probably has better things to do.

Son: But why is her name there?
Dad: Someone is playing a trick on her.

Son: I don't really like playing with girls.
Dad: I know. One day that might change.

Son: No way!
Dad: I wouldn't worry about it.

Son: I am not. I run too fast, besides I know what to do.
Dad: Oh? What do you too.

Son: Sammy and David's mommy have babies in their tummies.
Dad: That is called being pregnant.

Son: Right, their pregnant. They always say that they're tired.
Dad: Pregnant women get tired pretty easily.

Son: We should get all the girls pregnant.
Dad: What? Why would you say that?

Son: Because if we get them all pregnant they'll be too tired to bother us.
Dad: There are probably better ways than that.

Son: Sammy's dad told him that getting his mommy pregnant was really fun.
Dad: Why did he tell him that?

Son: Sammy said that he heard having babies was hard and he didn't want his daddy to get hurt.
Dad: He did?

Son: Yes, he said that he told his daddy he didn't want him to yell like that pregnant lady on television.
Dad: So what Sammy's dad say?

Son: He said that getting mommies pregnant is something that boys like to do, but I don't think I want to.
Dad: You probably should wait until you're married.

Son: But girls bother us. If we get them pregnant they'll be too tired to chase us.
Dad: Believe me, that won't stop them. Anyway, I don't want you and your friends running around talking about getting girls pregnant. That is for grownups who love each other.

Son: Jonah's mom and dad must really love each other. They have a lot of kids.
Dad: $*%*(**U*$

Ok, that last line was totally fabricated, but it fits in with the theme of the post. I tuned out graffiti so long ago that it didn't occur to me that it would lead to such a wacky discussion. Actually, I can't really say that it was a wacky discussion either. In it is own crazy way it made sense.

More than anything else it really reminds me that I have to be extra careful and alert about what kind of reading material is around my kids at all time. Just when you think that you have this parenting thing down something new comes along. Life does have its moments.

My Dad Has A Problem

There are moments in your child's life when words fail to convey just how deeply you love them. Sometimes those moments are matched by moments when you can't believe how this amazing person has managed to make you want to set your hair on fire and run screaming through the woods.

And of course there are an infinite number of moments that lie somewhere between the poles of happiness and Hopping Mad.

If you have spent any time really reading this blog you are probably aware that old Jack has a digestive issues that sometimes sends me running for the hills. Most of the time I am just fine, but every now and the folks below decks, you know the ones that live in steerage decide to make their presence known.

So dear reader allow me to tie the children and digestive system together. Today I had the privilege of taking Jack the younger to school. Most of the time I am not able to do this, so we were both excited. But even though he was excited I never forgot that the dear lad has a devilish streak in him so I made sure to keep a close eye upon him. Keep him on task so that we could leave enough time to get to school before the bell rang.

I was ever so pleased by how the morning went. I made him breakfast, saw that he was dressed, teeth were brushed, hair combed all in plenty of time. It was perfect and then capricious chance made an appearance.

Just as we were heading towards the door the phone rang. I intended to ignore it, we have voicemail for a reason. The dear boy had other plans. With a bounce in his step he glided over to the phone, picked it up and answered it.

By the look on his face I could tell that it was someone that had to speak with me. I took the phone from his hand and found myself conversing with a major VIP and consequently was unable to ask if we could reschedule the call.

That wasn't the real issue. The problem was that it was at this moment that the engine room rang the deck and insisted on stopping the ship. I apologized to my son and hurried off to ask Scotty and company to recharge the dilithium crystals post haste.

Upon completion of my task we headed off to school and headed straight for the office to get a late note for my son. And that's where the imp decided to zing me. He walked into the office and told the woman behind the counter the following.

J: I am not lazy. I didn't mean to be late.
Office lady: That is good.

J: I would have been here on time, except my dad has a problem.

If I am not mistaken there was an echo and the words "My dad has a problem" repeated over and over. It was just the sort of thing you want hanging in the air.

As the office lady stared at me I offered a tooth filled grin and made some sort of comment about kids saying the darnedest things.

She brushed it off, handed him the late note and the two of us headed down the hall. I looked at him and said that we need to have a discussion about what is appropriate for conversation and what isn't.

He told me that he already knew what I was going to say. So I looked at him and asked him to tell me.

"Don't play with your penis in public."

Just as he was telling me this two of the fifth grade teachers walked around the corner. The look on their faces made it quite clear that they had heard him say this. Maybe I was feeling overly self conscious, but that look made me wonder if they didn't think that he was chastising me.

Great. The office lady thinks I have a problem and the fifth grade teachers think that I am playing pocket pool. I can't wait for his Bar Mitzvah, I am so going to tell a few of the old stories.

Speaking of old stories I came across a slew that I thought I'd share with you again.

Mr Nobody Made Me Do it
Proud and Humbled By the Four-Year-Old
Things My Four-Year-Old Has Done
A Six Year Old Wonders
Where Babies Come From
Profanity- The Children Learn New Words Part Deux
Sex & Children
Great Moments In Parenting- Parts of our Body That Grow
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part I
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part II

A Toilet Revolution

It is sad to think that Mr. Whipple didn't live long enough to lead the toilet revolution. Then again he might have been torn between whether to support the World Toilet Association or the World Toilet Organization.

Maybe they need to a hold a world series of toilets or some kind of cage match between the organizations. I'd really hate to think about how much we're losing because of competing organizations. Can't we just flush along.

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) -- The World Toilet Association kicked off its inaugural conference Thursday, hoping to spark a sanitation revolution that will save lives through better hygiene and break taboos about what happens behind closed bathroom doors.
To the celebratory rhythms of a percussionist beating on toilets, dozens of government delegates and U.N. representatives began two days of discussions on improving bathroom facilities for the 2.6 billion people worldwide who lack access to proper restrooms.
Dr. Shigeru Omi, western Pacific director of the World Health Organization, said 1.8 million people die annually due to diseases related to inadequate sanitation, 90 percent of them children younger than 5.
Providing healthy bathroom facilities worldwide would cost some $10 billion a year -- equal to 1 percent of world military spending or what Europeans annually spend on ice cream, he said. The new association aims to provide toilet facilities to impoverished countries, provide for urgent sanitation needs after natural disasters and spread information and technology for improving toilets.
The South Korean government has given strong backing to the World Toilet Association, which has been spearheaded by the country's "Mr. Toilet" -- parliament member Sim Jae-duck. He earned his nickname for improving public restrooms for the 2002 World Cup as mayor of Suwon city.
"The restroom revolution will provide hope and happiness to mankind," Sim told delegates.
The group is not associated with the World Toilet Organization, another body that was founded in 2001 by Singapore's Jack Sim, has 44 member countries and similarly seeks to improve toilet sanitation in the third world.
South Korea's Sim, who has built a toilet-shaped house in his hometown, was unanimously elected Thursday as the new association's first president.

Random Thoughts- Do They Have Meaning?