You Can't Always Get What You Want

"No, you can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

And if you try sometimes you find

You get what you need"

Mick and the boys shared more than a little wisdom in that song but I cannot say whether it was done intentionally or not.

What I do know is that it ties into a life lesson I was taught my parents and have since passed along to my children. Life isn't fair. It never was and it never will be. You really can't always get what you want, but that is not the important part.

The important part is that last section "and if you try sometimes you find you get what you need." It ties into what I said about dreams requiring action. It is a reminder that the good things in life don't come for free but that doesn't mean that you can't get them.

It is part of why I have taken action to make some of my dreams come true. It is part of why I decided to participate in Nanowrimo. I am trying to step up my game. I have stories to tell and books to write so I am making a push to make that happen.

If you want to share my adventure and be a part of the journey you can do so at Words Left Unspoken. The first step into the unknown and to a new future that remains to be written. See you there.

This is part of the Just Write project.

I Will Never Fall In Love Again

This is part seven of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections.
Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
"I Don't Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again"
Once Upon A Time
Hanging Out With Hairy

I pulled into a parking space, turned off the motor and cursed out loud. The weather outside the car was perfect. Blue skies and just enough heat to make you feel warm were all the reason I needed not to be here. It is a good thing that my skull isn't transparent because if it was my dear friend Harold would be able to see storm clouds heading his way. With any luck he'd be struck by lightning.

Ok, that is probably unfair. I was semi responsible for this meeting. The company had a funny policy about paying people only for the work they did and not for work that they might do. I had a long conversation with one of the bookkeepers about that one. We got stuck riding an elevator together and since I haven't a clue what pasty faced number boys are interested I talked about paychecks.

We both learned something that day. He found out that a two minute ride on an elevator can feel like a week in cleveland and I found out that I can babble at length about anything. I know, you already knew that.

By the time I had walked into the office I had figured out that the topic of my next submission was going to be why marriage was the devil's greatest invention. In my experience it was the closest thing to hell that one could find. Before you go off half cocked you need to understand that the classic definition of hell is wrong. It is not a place of fire and brimstone.

Hell is seeing the love of your life unhappily living with someone else, but pretending to be happy. Hell is being granted a taste of the most incredible relationship and experience of your life and then having it taken away. It  is like being seated at a table with the greatest feast you have ever seen. The food looks and smells incredible. You look around the table and see that the other guests are having a culinary experience that borders n the orgasmic. Just as you are about to join the  festivities you realize that your arms are tied behind you and your jaw is wired shut.

Hell is the real world and that is much worse than anything Dante can come up with.

Well, if there was ever any question about my being a bit bitter there isn't now. Life is sometimes funny in a way that makes you laugh and sometimes in a way that makes you want to cry.

The first time I had my heart broken was hard. The second time was rough and the third time was ridiculously painful. It was bad enough that I swore that I wouldn't fall in love again. And for a long time that is how it went. Various women came into my life. Some of them tried to break through the walls that I had erected but none really succeeded.

And then one day she did. One day the wall was up and the next day it was a pile of rubble. It scared me. I was frightened and excited by it all. But she took me by the hand and promised to just love me. I think that was part of what caught me, the "I just love you" bit. It was so simple and yet so powerful.

She did and so did I. We just loved each other. It is a cliche, but it felt like a dream. Somewhere along the way we got lost. If I didn't have my meeting with Harold I might even take the time to tell you how and why. At least I think that I would. Can't say for certain because I don't know if I understand it.

So in the time we have before I go off to the meeting let me fill in some details. We fell apart, sort of. Not sure that we ever stopped loving each other, just found ourselves in unfamiliar territory and went separate directions.

She got married and I got married.

I thought that I was in love. I really did. It seemed like it. I guess that it must have felt like it or I wouldn't have done that whole ring thing.

But here I am today, ringless, wifeless and until the other day very happy. Things were great until they told me about her. I was perfectly fine and now I am not.

Now I find myself on fire for a woman I haven't seen or spoken to for what seems like forever. Now I find my heart pounding for a woman who probably thinks of me as just another ex. I am sure that she thinks of me fondly, but what are the chances that she feels like I do.

And this sort of talk is part of why I am pissed off with my daughter and the friends. I didn't want to look at this corner of my closet. I didn't want to explore the lost ruins to see if any treasure remains.There is a reason why you let sleeping dogs lie.

Sigh. Well, I'll put this frustration to good use and go needle the hell out of Harold. If he doesn't go off on one of this interminably long speeches I still might get to the beach.

A Love Song That Needs To Be Written

Sometimes I sit here and stare at your picture. I look into your eyes and I tell you the things that I won't share with another. I pour out my heart and wait for the response that never comes. I write stupid poems and love notes that I never send.

Alone in the dark I caress your face and remember. I fell into that proverbial fire, or maybe it is more honest to say that I jumped in.

I saw you standing there and couldn't stand to be so far away.

Now you are gone and I ache. I ache and I burn. That fire eats away at me. Time passes and the hole in my heart remains.

I remember the promises we made to each other.I remember the good times and the bad. But mostly I remember the good.

Sometimes in the dead of night I walk outside and stare at the moon. I wander alone and wonder if you can feel my silent call.

Moments in time. That is what we had, moments in time. But when we had them time stood still. Moments that changed everything so that we can no longer remember the lives we had before.

Now there is silence. The lack of your presence is jarring. Every day I look for you but you are not there. I listen and hear nothing but the hum of life going on without you.

And maybe this is the way that things will be. One day I'll be someone's grandpa and they'll ask me to tell them a story that no one knows. And maybe I'll tell them about how I found and lost the song of my heart. They'll hear about loss and destruction and learn about redemption too.

Or maybe my heart will prove to be prescient. Maybe the hope and the certainty will prove correct. And maybe you'll be the grandma to my grandpa. Maybe we'll make those grandkids squirm because we still kiss and hold hands in front of them like silly teenagers.

I know what I want. I know what I think. I know what I know and I know many things that I am not saying. Some you'll just have to hear for yourself.

Just remember that when you think of me I am thinking about you. One day I'll turn this into that love song I promised to write, but not yet. For now that is going to have to wait until another day.

Hanging Out With Hairy

This is part six of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
"I Don't Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again"
Once Upon A Time

Inside the car I remembered that I hate commuting. The fact that it would have taken me just as long to get to the beach as it did to travel to the office was immaterial. Normally I would have spent the ride plotting ways to prick "Big Ed." The precious minutes of beach time that I was wasting would have been devoted to thinking about how many different ways I could call Harold, "Hairy."

Did I mention that at times I can be juvenile, selfish and spiteful. Not my finer traits, but hey, at least I am aware of them.

This time was different. Instead of plotting my silly revenge, enjoying music or listening to the ridiculous rantings of the anonymous talk show callers I was lost in a place that I wasn't so sure I wanted to revisit. I was back in the past. It was a bit like walking into my garage. There were all sorts of treasures inside and a bunch of junk that I probably should get rid of, but never had.

I have always liked thinking of my memory as being a big garage or warehouse full of stuff. It works for me. There is something appealing about it. Whenever I need to remember something I simply walk into the garage and find the box it is located in. The problem is that like my real garage those boxes are not only dusty but they sometimes include items that I didn't expect to find.

Back when I was married the garage was my refuge. It was my cave, my domain and all who entered it understood that it was dangerous to screw with things without my approval. Not surprisingly the ex thought that different rules applied to her. Although to be fair I learned long ago that once a woman starts sleeping with you she assumes certain liberties, like trying to convince you that Laura Ashley sheets are cool for the master bedroom.

My internal monologue was disrupted by the squealing by a loud thump, thump, thump coming from the car next to me. If you want to piss me off it is always wise to play your stereo at levels loud enough to make the windows shake. I have said more than once that if I am ever involved in a road rage incident it is going to be because of that.

The noise got my attention and I made a point of looking around to see where it was coming from. There was a large SUV in front of me that seemed to be the culprit. Sometimes it is hard to tell. The noise is so loud that it could just as easily be coming from the side or behind.

The license plate frame on the SUV said something about being a proud student of Grapevine Community College. The G.C.C. administration should be proud of this sort of representation. It really says something. Then again, I am a part time writing instructor there so maybe I should be more charitable with how I think of the students.

The writing gig isn't bad. For the past ten years or so I teach one or two creative writing courses each semester. In the beginning I wasn't so sure about it. They didn't have an existing curriculum so I had to develop one on my own. That was supposedly going to lead to my earning more but I am not really sure that ever happened.

That first year I taught by Braille. It was a lot of touch, feel and react. I wouldn't advise doing it that way. The department chair made a point of instructing me not to do it that way. He gave me a lot of good advice that I ignored. Sometimes my issue with authority causes trouble for me.

But we got through it. Over time I developed a teaching style and I found that I was pretty good at it. Most of my students were truly interested in learning so it made it easier to engage them. And of course it didn't hurt that quite a few were relatively attractive women.

On a side note let me mention that you don't want to tell woman that she is relatively good looking. It is the kind of remark that creates a minefield that no man wants to walk through. It is not that different from being asked if a particular item of clothing makes her look fat.

Say that she is relatively good looking and she will set you up for a verbal beating. You can almost guarantee that it will be an interrogation of what and who she is relatively good looking compared to. If you suffer from the same fits of stupidity that afflict me it will lead you to saying that she is far more attractive than a hippo or warthog.

You'll say it with a big smile that you think she'll find endearing and then after she has eviscerated you'll wonder why you didn't just save time by hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

In case you are wondering I sometimes use that as part of my lecture. The students enjoy laughing at my expense. It is not unusual for the women to laugh the hardest or tell me that I should know better. I smile and shrug my shoulders. The guys usually like this too. After class a few of them will come and share their own war stories with me.

I like to try and use these kinds of stories because they work well as ice breakers. Get the class to laugh. Get them interested and engaged and it becomes far more interesting to everyone.

Not everyone appreciates these tales. Every class is filled with at least one person who doesn't appreciate a self deprecating sense of humor. Did I mention that they are usually female. Is this coincidence? I think not. That leads to another useful safety tip for the men.  Don't try to use that last line or any derivation of it in class. You'll do great with the women who likes to hang out with the boys.

But invariably you'll upset one or more who will decide that you are sexist and in need of being reported to whatever authority they think will screw you the hardest.

Ok, I admit it, I am a bit bitter and irked with the fairer sex. But I have a good reason, really, I do. I can tell you her name, her sizes. Yes, I said sizes, shoe, pants, panties, bra, blouse, whatever. I don't give a damn whether you think that is cool, weird or what.

I can tell you how tall she is, her weight, what color her eyes are and a million other details. It has been years and I haven't forgotten what she smells like or how it feels to kiss her. Years later and sometimes when I close my eyes I still see her looking back at me.

Years later and I can't forget. The last time I saw her we kissed each other goodbye and headed off to our cars.

But I am not going to go there. It took a long time to put it aside. It took a long time to accept that the life I thought we were going to share wasn't going to happen. Took a long time to convince myself that I couldn't just wait around, that maybe love wasn't enough.

And until the girls decided to have lunch with me that was ok. I was ok. Until that little bit about her being single I was ok.

I'll say one thing for being distracted, it made the time in the car go by like it was nothing. Of course the downside to that was that I hadn't spent any time thinking about an idea for my next assignment. And now I had all of five minutes to try to come up with one.

Once Upon A Time

This is part five of the project I am working on for National Novel Writing Month. Here are the links to the first sections. They need to be cleaned up, but I'll save some of that for now.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up
"I Don't Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again"

One of the best parts of my job is that I can do it from almost anywhere. All I need is my cellphone, a laptop and an internet connection and I am good to go. It is one of the perks that come with the position, not to mention the joy of dealing with the most cantankerous editor ever.

He and I have a real love hate relationship going on, and that is putting it mildly. It wouldn't be fair to say that we love to hate each other. But it would be fair to say that I love to aggravate him. I probably shouldn't. It is a bit unfair to always press his buttons, but I have issues with authority. So does he.

For some reason he finds it necessary to try and tell me what to do and how to do it. This usually inspires me to do the opposite. Somewhere out there my mother is shaking her head about this. She told me many times that it is better to get along with people, that I don't always have to be such a pain-in-the-ass. I love you mom, but you know that it is not going to happen, so why keep trying.

"Big Ed", the editor, that is what I call him, likes to have regular meetings with me. He says that they are not serious, just an easy way to communicate. The thing is that I prefer to communicate by email or telephone and he likes face to face.

"Big Ed" doesn't like being called "Big Ed." His real name is Harold but if you call him Harry he gets upset. It probably has something to do with having virtually none on his head. You also can't refer to him as "Harold, the Hairy, the Regent of Rogaine" because he doesn't like that either.

Truth is that I can't say that I really like it. It is not particularly funny, but it gets a reaction from him and that I do like. Did I mention that he is very particular about where things go on his desk. I like to move his stapler around. Again, it is not funny and it is quite juvenile. But it tends to help him come to the proper conclusion that Jack and office visits are not a good mix.

With that sort of introduction you might wonder why the "balding behemoth" doesn't release me from his tender mercies. The answer is that I am that good and so is he. Together we have found a recipe that works and both of us have been around long enough to recognize that you don't mess with something like this.

It also doesn't hurt that Harold went through his own divorce and was sensitive to my situation. He made a point of approaching me more than once to offer a friendly ear. I was grateful and appreciative of it. I made a point to thank him and then told him that if brought up a "friendly ear" to me again I would sue for sexual harrassment.

He quickly apologized and changed the subject at which time I threatened to sue him for not making a pass at me. You should have seen how red his face got with that remark. Poor Harold didn't know what to do. I almost felt bad for him because I knew the feeling.

Getting divorced was sad and exciting. Even though I knew that it was the right thing to do it was hard to accept that something that had seemed so right was over. I need to qualify that. I think that at one time it felt that way. I mean, I wouldn't have gotten married if it didn't seem right.

That was something that I just wasn't sure of. I couldn't decide if I really had felt that way or if I had convinced myself that at one time I had. None of it really mattered. I had checked out of the marriage long before the divorce, I just hadn't realized it.

For a long time I had thought that the problems were all related to external influences. When the kids are young they suck the life out of you. It doesn't mean that you don't love them or have a single regret because they are amazing. They make you better people.

But they also make you crazy people. They take and take and take. And then they takes some more. During the week there is the daily grind of getting them to school, helping them with their homework and all of the extracurricular activities.

Weekends weren't any less busy. There are birthday parties, soccer games, ballet and when they get older reports for school.

And did I mention the challenges posed by preteen and teenage romance. I almost killed half the boys in my daughter's middle school. As far as I know she didn't date any of them, but she and her friends swooned and cried about them more times than I can count.

In fact I intend to kick the crap out of some kid named Jason for the simple reason of just because. Just because translates into you dated my daughter for two years in high school. Two years of pretending to be Eddie Haskell. Two years of trying to bullshit me into believing that you weren't trying to get into her pants every day.

Stupid prick forgets that I used to be him. I know every line and trick for making a girl think that you think she is special. You are not unique. And yes I know that other boys did it too. And yes I know about karma and all that kind of crap. But you just rubbed me the wrong way and now I want you to give me an excuse.

The thing is that even though they have long since broken up if anything happened I would still be the bad guy. She doesn't love him anymore, or so she says, but I know my girl. Actually maybe it is because I know my girl that I don't need to do anything to him.

Scratch that, my fragile male ego can't accept it. I am ordering one ass kicking off of the menu of life. One righteous ass kicking so that I can wipe that stupid smirk off of his lips. One day....

*******************

I had planned on working at the beach today, right next to lifeguard station number six. The car was loaded with my gear and I was just about to leave when Harold called to ask what time I was going to come in. I tried to pretend that the connection was bad but he was ready and asked me if I had checked my email.

He had forwarded an email that I had sent him two weeks prior. In the email I had told him that I would be delighted to meet with him to discuss my latest assignment. I hate when I screw up like that. I silently cursed my own stupidity and made a note to remind myself never to commit to anything in writing.

I told him that I would see him soon and hung up the phone. I made a quick trip out to the car to grab my gear and switch it with the business stuff.  One of these days I have to win the lottery or invent something because this working stuff is getting old.

A short time later I was in the car and headed towards the office. Talk radio and the sounds of traffic filled the silence and I found myself lost in thought.

"I Don't Want To Kiss My Husband Ever Again"

I said that I would try to participate in NaNoWriMo. I figured that I'd tie it into a story I already started writing. I am trying to decide if I am going to integrate or substitute this post with the third one.

Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
The End of a Marriage
A 21st Century Break Up

And now on to our story:
I have a graphic memory. I dream and think in technicolor or maybe I should say high definition. My dreams are full featured spectacles. It is great when I dream about happy things, but not so good if they are sad or disturbing.

As a young boy I used to wonder if there was a way to control my dreams. I figured that it was nothing more than concentrating hard enough. So I spent more than a few nights lying in bed focused upon whatever it was that I was chasing. Some nights it was images of me chasing down fly balls in Dodger Stadium and or hitting the game winning home run. Other times it was me as a different sort of hero.

I suppose that it is fair to say that in many ways not much has changed. The boy grew into a man who still dreams of playing pro ball or of being a hero. All he needs is a chance. Although to be fair the man recognizes that some dreams will have to remain locked inside the vault.

It was the morning after and I was still in bed. It had taken hours to fall asleep. The news that she was single had a bigger impact upon me than I would have guessed it would. I didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to play memory lane. I didn't want to have one of those dreams and wake up to discover that reality was different than I might want it to be.

The meal with my daughter and the girls was grueling. They didn't understand that some scars don't heal. They didn't understand that I much preferred the safety of my own life. Being single wasn't so bad. I didn't worry about forgetting special dates. Never had to try and decipher whether a look or a comment meant that I was in trouble again for some other transgression.

In concept it made a lot of sense to me to say goodbye to women. I knew what I needed to know. I had served a life sentence known as marriage. I helped propagate the species. When I was instructed to go forth and multiply I did it.I listened to them.

That is big stuff, my listening. Ask those who know me and you'll be told that I have an amazing ability to suddenly go deaf. More than one person called it irritating, but me, I called it survival.

All would be perfect, or close to it, were it not for my daughter and the girls. Did I mention that they don't like it when I call them girls. Sometimes I like to aggravate them by talking about how you can't trust a broad, not a single one of them.

The thing is, they know me too well. They refused to let me bait them into a different topic. They have an agenda and I am at the top of the list. And people wonder why I say I feel like I have a target on my back.

Midway through our meal Sheri asked me if I remembered what her marriage was like. I smiled and told her that she should have married me. That earned me another one of those withering looks and a sharp rebuke from my daughter.

Great, and to think that I thought that I owned the look and the lecture she gave me. But because I am rarely at a loss for words I told her that I have been inoculated against that sort of thing. She of course didn't care. Damn, if she isn't like me. Moments like this make me wonder if I should be proud or frightened of her.

But I digress.

Sheri jumped back into her story and asked me if I knew how she realized that her marriage was over. I was tempted to provide another smart ass remark, but something told me that it was smarter to stay quiet.

"When I realized that I never wanted to kiss my husband again, I knew that it was over."

"Well, we share that in common. I never want to kiss your husband again either. For that matter I don't want to sleep with him, he snores far too loudly," I said.

I know, the smart ass remark didn't help, but how could I let that one go. Again she ignored me and continued on."

"When you find the kind of love and relationship that you had you don't let go."

That wiped the smile off of my face. I looked at her and thanked her for her opinion. Before anyone could go on I explained that it had been made very clear to me that she was done. It didn't matter what I wanted, or what I thought. She was done.

My daughter came around the table and hugged me. She told me that she had no idea that my feelings for her were so deep and that I owed it to myself to not just ignore the opportunity.

I was surprised by my anger. I did my best not to bark at her, but I am not sure that I was successful. "This is not reality. This is not some stupid movie where I get to ride up to her ranch, grab her and ride off into the sunset"

"She gave up on us and she gave up on me."

For a moment there was silence. It took me a moment to realize that both my jaws and fists were clenched. I took a deep breath and thanked them for their thinking about me.

Sheri smiled and told me that she was sorry. In a soft voice she said that I needed to remember that some loves never really die and that we had been victims of bad timing. "Call her. There is a reason why you are being given a second chance."

I smiled back at her. "I'll think about it." And then I said a silent prayer of thanks that none of them knew how hard my heart was pounding.