If you are not of a certain age you may not be aware that Bill Cosby was a comic. As a father I appreciate a number of his bits:
Brain damage
Parents
Chocolate cake for breakfast
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Thank You Lewis Black- If It Weren't For My Horse
Initially this post was a video clip that was embedded in this post courtesy of another site, but the damn thing took forever to load so I nuked it. I get cranky when stupid crap hangs up my page so instead of being able to watch and listen to Mr. Black you'll have to just listen... Deal with it.
Anyhoo, the curmudgeonly Mr. Black is a man after my own heart. This is one of my favorite bits and so I'd like to share an excerpt from it:
"When from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life ... She said, 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.'
I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, 'If it weren't for my horse...' as in, giddy up, giddy up, let's go - 'I wouldn't have spent that year in college,' a degree-granting institution.
Don't! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There's a reason.
You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works. So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, 'WHAT THE @*#! ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!' then it'll go away. But they're gone.
And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right.
But every so often, somethin' like that happens: 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.' So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!' I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she - she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE @*#! ?!! And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom."
Love that.
Baptizing The Bear
A little humor for you.
A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of The University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preachingto people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to conduct an experiment. They would take a trip to the Smokey Mountains to go find a bear, preach to it and convert it.
One week later they reassembled to discuss the results of their trip.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my Holy Water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his furry soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in really bad shape. He was in a body cast and had multiple lines running in and out of him
His colleagues looked at him and waited for him to relate his experience, looking up at the two men he said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
********************
Welcome LGF readers. Feel free to spend some time surfing around here. There are more than 6,000 posts covering Israel, Life, humor, sports, politics and more.
A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of The University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preachingto people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to conduct an experiment. They would take a trip to the Smokey Mountains to go find a bear, preach to it and convert it.
One week later they reassembled to discuss the results of their trip.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my Holy Water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his furry soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in really bad shape. He was in a body cast and had multiple lines running in and out of him
His colleagues looked at him and waited for him to relate his experience, looking up at the two men he said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
********************
Welcome LGF readers. Feel free to spend some time surfing around here. There are more than 6,000 posts covering Israel, Life, humor, sports, politics and more.
BCS Declares Germany to be the Winner of WWII
I saw this at The Volokh Conspiracy.
After determining the Big-12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.
"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."
Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."
German Chancellor Adolf Hitler said "Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."
The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented " France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."
Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.
After determining the Big-12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.
"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."
Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."
German Chancellor Adolf Hitler said "Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."
The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented " France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."
Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.
Old Saturday Night Live Skits
NBC has opened the video vault so that you can watch some of your favorite SNL skits online. Cheeseburger,Cheeseburger,Cheeseburger,Cheeseburger,Cheeseburger...
The Husband Store- A Joke
This is from the mailbag.
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
Israel and The Media
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, 'I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' The leader nodded to an underling who returned with chili. Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take my tape recorder, then describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someone will hear it and know I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Couric dictated some comments, then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the ass,' said the soldier.'
'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the clearing and kicked him in the ass. The soldier was sent sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the rest of the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?'
'What?' replied the Israeli, 'And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!'
Dan Rather said, 'I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' The leader nodded to an underling who returned with chili. Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take my tape recorder, then describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someone will hear it and know I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Couric dictated some comments, then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the ass,' said the soldier.'
'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the clearing and kicked him in the ass. The soldier was sent sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the rest of the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?'
'What?' replied the Israeli, 'And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!'
My Call To The Suicide Hotline
I Was VERY Depressed Last Night So I Called Lifeline.
I Got A Call Center In Pakistan. I Told Them I Was Suicidal.
They Got ALL Excited And Asked If I Could Drive A Truck.
How I Deal With Road Rage
The Car Tank- For when you just can't stand midwestern drivers any longer.
Do Not Disturb Sign
I can't decide what is going on in this photo. If you look at it one way it appears to suggest that they are having sex. Look at it another way and it appears that the lady cop is arresting the man below her. Or maybe it is a picture of a person getting a massage.This should be the worst of our problems, trying to figure this out that is.
The Jesus Diet
You'll forgive me for laughing at these people.
PLANT CITY - Roger Swanson wants to walk again. Daina Roughgarden hopes to rid her body of nodules that could prove cancerous. Rocio Mazzetti desires to keep symptoms of multiple sclerosis at bay.
They each sought help this month inside a rust-colored house on Thonotosassa Road, home to the Central Florida outpost of the Hallelujah Acres Lifestyle Center. For about $1,200 a week, leaders at the center teach would-be adherents the basics of the Hallelujah Diet, a vegan eating plan that centers on the consumption of raw foods and Christianity."
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