It Happened One Yom Kippur

My post about Thomas inspired me to dig through my archives. I came across some really good posts that made me smile and decided to share a few with you. This is one of them. It was originally posted here.

My son may be five now but he is still young enough that it is not unusual for me to have to carry the sleeping boy from the car to his bed. Actually if I am not driving it is not all that unusual for me to sleep in the car, but then again I can sleep anytime, in any position and anywhere.

This evening reminded me of an experience that he and I shared a number of years ago. He might have been just short of two or maybe he was slightly older, I am not really sure. It was one of those powerful moments that imprint themselves on your brain in such a way that you remember them as if they happened in a different lifetime that took place yesterday.

Yes, that is an awkward way of phrasing it but I am not really sure of what words to use to describe it and surreal isn't quite descriptive enough.

If I close my eyes I can see myself. I am wearing a doublebreasted black suit and a big black and white tallis. My tallis is quite large, actually it is a little bit too big for me but that is a separate story. My father is seated next to me and he is holding my son on his lap. The proud grandfather is beaming. His smile is as large as I have ever seen. He is playing peek-a-boo with his grandson, who is only too happy to use my tallis as the place in which he hides his face.

The time comes to say the Shmoneh Esreh and so we stand. Davening is often difficult for me so I often pull my tallis over my head and close my eyes so that I can really focus. As we rise my son reaches out for me and without thinking I take him into my arms and wrap my tallis around the two of us.

Now both of our heads are covered and we make eye contact. He smiles at me and I smile back. He is so very little and I see so much potential in him. For a moment I am choked up. I remember looking at that little face and blessing him. How could I not, it is one of the ways I have of trying to really express my love and appreciation for him and his sister.

When I finished he pulled me close and kissed my cheek. I remember that little body hugging me and within a moment or two he was asleep on my shoulder. I can remember shockeling to the tiny snores in my ear and really feeling my tefillah. It was one of those moments in time in which my own kavanah was exceptional and I really felt the connection to something greater than myself.

These are the moments that I treasure because I really do feel like I am getting a glimpse of a special place. It is a sneak preview of a world that I want to live in but I wonder if it really exists. I suppose that in time I may find out, until then I'll continue my journey down the paths I discover and explore them to see what lies beyond the bend.

Haveil Havalim #238- The We Love The Dodgers/Angels Edition!

Welcome to Haveil Havalim #238, The We Love The Dodgers/Angels Edition!. Also known as the Best of the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere. (My apologies for the formatting, it is a little wonky today.)

Founded by Soccer Dad, Haveil Havalim is a carnival of Jewish blogs -- a weekly collection of Jewish & Israeli blog highlights, tidbits and points of interest collected from blogs all around the world. It's hosted by different bloggers each week and coordinated by Jack. The term 'Haveil Havalim,' which means "Vanity of Vanities," is from Qoheleth, (Ecclesiastes) which was written by King Solomon. King Solomon built the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and later on got all bogged down in materialism and other 'excesses' and realized that it was nothing but 'hevel,' or in English, 'vanity.'

Israel


Read Rabbi Daniel Gordis's post No Right to Exhaustion in which he discusses the challenges of loving Israel and who has a right to be tired. 


My Right Word disagrees with the OU position on The Temple Mount.


EOZ shared The diplomacy of fear, 2009. At Solomonia Vanessa Redgrave Gets It...Almost Right?


At Good News from Israel you can read about the first Israeli woman to win a Nobel Prize. Other bloggers such  Artzeinu covered it too in Israel Professor Wins Nobel Prize for Chemistry.


Life in Israel blogged about Painted Donkeys. Everyone loves Pin Ups. Israelity remembers Mercedes Sosa and talks about Cleaning up after desert.


Religion and State in Israel has their usual round up parts one and two.


Baila wrote about Gilad's message. Reminds me to remind you to keep tweeting, "Free Shalit." I am not the only one thinking about Gilad.


At Torat Zion you can read Israel enters into “alliance” with Rappahanock Tribe. At Harry's Place you can enjoy Nora Clean’s guide to boycotting Zionist entities.


Daled Amos shared The Goldstone Report: Protector Of (Palestinian) Women. Maybe this is a J-Street Joke.


Yaacov Lozowick blogged Goldstone: Curioser and Curioser. Israellycool shared The Day In Israel: Sun Oct 11th, 2009.

Politics

President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. I tried not to go overboard on this, but there are an enormous number of posts covering it. Incidentally, for those who claim that this is a right wing carnival I did my best to include posts from left wing bloggers as well. 


Guess what, they don't like it either.


Yourish had The Miss America President wins the Miss America Peace Prize. 
Joshuapundit covered it over here. 
The Rebbetzin's Husband issued an opinion here.
Fink or Swim
Jewish Atheist 
Conversations in Klal
Dovbear
Jack
The Muqata
Soccerdad
Daniel Pipes
Daled Amos
Tel Chai Nation
Oleh Girl
Bookworm


Daled Amos New Poll Reveals Whether Being Pro-Israel Matters To American Jewish Voters.


At Commentary Noah Pollak compares and contrasts the leadership styles of Obama and Netanyahu in  Compare and Contrast.

Ingathered compares Obama to Chamberlain. Joshuapundit has the results from the Watcher's Council.
Somebody has the Post Yom Kippur Blues. At Boker Tov Boulder take a look at 63 pct Support Negotiations with Iran, but 64 pct Say Negotiations Won't Succeed.


Judaism
From The Rebbetzin's Husband, A good minyan is like a well-written novel and Spawning a  Kugel Generation.


Shtetl Fabulous is writing about the Spirit in the Sky. A Simple Jew shared the New Tactics of My Holy Yetzer Ha-Rah.


If you were Harry-er-than them all spoke about Shidduchim. From The Torah Revolution we have the Shallow Truth about Har Habayit and the Kotel.


Balashon greets us all with a Petek. Ingathered cautions against using Etrog Jam.


Ilana Davita has a Must Read post. The Real Shaliach writes about the love that Esau has for us. There is food for thought there. Do you agree.


Have Succah Will Travel- If that headline doesn't encourage you to read I don't know what will. Jewschool covered Succot as well.


The Velveteen Rabbi wrote about what it means to celebrate in our Sukkah. Snoopy wrote about Mad Mahmoud's Jewish Roots.


Planck's Constant covered The Number of Jews Who Have Won Nobel Prizes. Schvach defined What a Shiksa is.


My Right Word has proof that Psalms do Protect. Shira writes about touching others. The Wolf says that some people think He is Deviant.


Isramom is reflecting on Women, Torah and Brachot. Ariel is talking about Avinu Malkeinu.


Leora discussed Sephardi Piyut of Rosh Hashanah. Esther's Television is Jewish.



Miscellaneous
One of the many reasons I like Seraphic Secret is because we are in agreement about The Sound of Music. At Ben Yehudah's joint you'll find Orthodox Jewish Boxer To Vie For Crown.


You have to read about Mottel and The Dragon Man. NY's Funniest Rabbi is thinking Deep Thoughts. More importantly in some respects, please go to his blog and wish his father a Happy Birthday.


Shtetl Fabulous has recipes to share. KRG covered Jewgrass at Jewschool.
I wrote A Fearful Society- Rearing Children in a Scary World.


Ann's Rants blogged about a first blogiversary. The Ima has been reading a lot of books. Elms in the Yard wrote about hiking.


Go read Benji's Can I Get A Freaking Vowel In Here. GP has a Hankering for Challah.



That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of haveil havalim using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.
Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

I Cast Away My Sins

I cast away my sins today or I hope as I suspect that this year there were more than usual. I am not really sure what that means, but I feel like I need to say it. Standing at the cement banks of a man man lake I joined hundreds of others in feeding the ducks day old bread that symbolized my sins.

It is called Tashlich and it is an ancient ceremony that usually has a lot of meaning for me. This year I had trouble focusing. Perhaps it was concern that the dark haired beauty was going to fling herself into the water along with the bread or perhaps it was the lady who kept talking about cleveland, not sure.

What I do know is that at one point I closed my eyes and did my best to look inward and focus upon the moment. Oftentimes when I try to drown out the world around me I turn on a song on the mental jukebox. For some reason all I could hear was The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War by Holst.

 One section in particular stuck with me and I found myself wondering whether to laugh or cry. This is on my workout mix. It is something that I listen to when I am focused on lifting more. It fits well with trying to add another plate to the benchpress, less so with spiritual moments.

Ok, that is probably not entirely true, but it wasn't really where I was trying to go with it. So I did my best to shuffle up a new song and came up with this. I get the connection, I am sure that John Williams was influenced by Holst. Certainly Darth Vader is a man who is in dire need of casting away his sins, but I am not him.

Confession time. If I had to go to the Dark Side I would always pick Darth Vader. Darth Maul had a cool double blade on his light saber, but the whole horns and Judaism thing doesn't work for me. And the emperor just doesn't do it. Nah, I'd be a 7 foot tall Sith lord with a cape and a bad attitude.

End of confession. Now we return you to your normally scheduled programming.

It took a moment but I finally managed to focus. I was surrounded by a sea of people but with my eyes closed I stood alone. Inside my mind I jumped off of a cliff into a sea of black. I could feel the air rushing by head and I really wasn't sure when I was going to hit the bottom.

Had I been able to step outside my body I would have seen someone with their eyes clenched shut and a rigid back. Pretty sure that you would have seen my lips silently moving.

In short, I would have looked like I was crazy or constipated, maybe both.

But that is ok with me. I am in a period of transition and I have stopped trying to fight it. I accept that things are changing and that all I can do is deal with me. Depending upon who you are that can sound new agey or religious, but that doesn't really matter to me. All that matters right now is riding out the storm.

If we continue along our Star Wars theme it feels a bit like when Obi-Wan fought Anakin. Ignore the bad acting and go with the theme. Anyway, I feel like the grizzled veteran who has seen incredible potential go up in flames. Perhaps it shall rise again like the phoenix, I don't know.

Slowly opening my eyes I look down and see children staring up at me. The dark haired beauty and her friends are giggling the way that girls do. They may be five but I can see the future and I know that 20 years from now the giggling will still be there, but it will be accompanied by a certain amount of knowledge and life experience.

But right now I see happy girls who haven't any idea that life can be so serious or that the grown ups don't have all of the answers. That is ok with me, not having all of the answers. As much as I kvetch about it and wish that I could see the future there is a certain amount of excitement in not knowing everything. There is a joy and a rush in knowing that sometimes I may sail blindly, but with a purpose.

In the interim please excuse me. I have to go brush away the bread crumbs those giggling girls left on my pants and shoes.

Rosh Hashanah 5770- Jewish New Year Here I Come

"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place." ~Washington Irving

"We spend our time searching for security and hate it when we get it." ~John Steinbeck, America and Americans

"The calamity that comes is never the one we had prepared ourselves for."
- Mark Twain Letter to Olivia Clemens, August 16, 1896

When I began writing this post I had high hopes of producing something profound and meaningful, but I am not so sure that I accomplished that. But I'd rather try and fail than not try at all.

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year has come around again. It is a holiday that lends itself to blogging. Introspection and self reflection are key elements and so I find myself here at the keyboard struggling to produce a post that is worthwhile.

This video may be a year old, but it really makes me think about life. So many familiar faces, but really how different is it from any other year. Without fail people die every day, year in, year out. So what is the message and what is the difference.

This has without question been one of the most challenging years I can remember. Lots of sleepless nights and stressful days. Long periods of time where I have found myself wondering if I should be superstitious. Moments where it seemed like things went from bad to worst to me laughing because it was laugh or cry. Times where I have looked up at the sky and screamed, "is that all you have got."

In between there have been some really good times. Moments where it felt like the hot poker that had been jammed up my backside was gone and had never been inserted.

And then I turned 40.

Never before had one birthday bothered me. It didn't matter whether I was 10, 18, 25 or 30, it was just another day. Forty didn't feel like that. Forty felt...old. Forty made me look in the mirror and ask who was staring back at me. He didn't look right, too many lines in the forehead and dark circles beneath the eyes. Not to mention that the famous flat top was gone and along with it was a chunk of hair.

More importantly the guy looking back at me was frustrated, angry and confused. He looked out and asked what happened to the kid with the indomitable spirit. That guy who figured that it didn't matter if he fell into the fire because he'd dance through the flames and get a tan in the process.

The shmuck looking back at me looked like he had lain down in the flames and given up. That was disheartening, disconcerting and disappointing. So I made a conscious decision to find myself and if necessary, redefine who I am.

I am in the process of doing that. This is a transition. It is phase that I am dealing with with as much grace as I can muster. Things are better because I made them better. Things are better because I figured out a plan that seems to work for me, but it is not done yet.

The best analogy I have is that I feel a bit like Sisyphus in that I have pushed a boulder up a hill. Only there is no guarantee that it won't roll back down and force me to start over. Then again there is no guarantee that it won't.

Anyhoo we shall see what 5770 holds. I am optimistic and expect that good things should come. If you are curious to see past Rosh Hashanah posts or others that relate click on the links below:

The Impact of My Actions
Unetanah tokef
Yom Kippur- Besheret- Judgment & More
Another Day, Another Funeral- It is Elul
The New Year
Rosh Hashanah Thoughts
Why Me? Rosh Hashanah Thoughts

Why Be Jewish

Some posts write themselves. I pick the topic and the words flow straight from the keyboard onto the cyber canvas you read them upon. Sometimes it is much more challenging. Sometime it feels like a war in which I engage in multiple battles to produce a post that is worth publishing.

This particular post has been part of the latter. I have tried to write it many times but have consistently been disappointed in it and consequently deleted and started over. But I decided that perhaps I was over thinking it and so I sat down and banged out the copy that you are reading now.

Religion is a funny thing. Some people cite it as the source of all that is good in their lives and others blame it for every possible ill. I have had more discussions than I can count about Israel with people who blame the conflict upon religious/ideological warfare.

So it got me thinking about a number of things such as why do people believe in whatever faith they believe in. Adult converts are easy. At some point in time they decided that they were not satisfied with whatever they believed and made the decision to change. But the question for those of us who did not convert is why.

Why be Jewish? Why are you a Jew? What makes you want to do it? Is it only because you were born into it or is there something more. So I conducted an informal and unscientific poll in which I emailed somewhere around 100 bloggers from the Jblogosphere and asked them to answer the question.

I received back from very interesting responses and thought that I would share them with you. In the interest of confidentiality I'll share their words but I am not going to identify them. It will be their choice to step from behind the curtain.

I'm Jewish because I was born Jewish. I have to be honest, if I wasn't born Jewish I don't know that I'd have become Jewish. I tend to be the sort of person who goes with the flow. If I had been the product of a mixed marriage, I really don't know which way I'd go. Though I suspect in such circumstances I'd probably choose one or the other religion.

*************

I am Jewish because it is my heritage.

*************

I am Jewish because having a purposeful life is imperative.Because of all of the purported purposes in the world, this one makes the most sense to me.There is no "dead space" in a well-lived Jewish life. No "killing time."

There is nothing that doesn't matter, from when we wake up until we go to sleep -- and even our sleep time can be sanctified.

When I was young, "free, white and 21" was a popular explanation for why I could do whatever I wanted to do. And that was freedom.

As I lived a while, I realized that freedom like that is only the freedom to screw up. I think I felt truly free for the first time in my life when I understood what the boundaries were.

Adults are not so much different from children, after all. We also play with the most joy and abandon when we know where the walls and the cliffs are located, and that they are clearly marked.

*************

Judaism connects me to my father. His memory is what caused me to seek out Judaism.
I thrive on the structure that the Jewish calendar imparts
Keeping Kosher makes me think about God every time I eat.
I love how the world melts away when I light Shabbat candles.
I love that every week, we have a reason to celebrate.
I have children who remind me daily that there is something bigger than me in the world.
The music and liturgy of Shabbat morning services soothes my soul.
I love the Jewish community and sense of extended family that I have found.
My heart sings when I hear my almost 5 year old son singing Ma Yafe Hayom at the top of his lungs while showering. Or when my 9 1/2 year old asks the Hazzan if she can lead part of the service.
I have the world's most precious gift that I can pass along to my children.
Oh. And because I was born that way.

*************

The fact of it is that I am Jewish because my parents are Jewish and I was born Jewish. Maybe that goes without saying but if I were not born Jewish, there is no reason to believe that I would have sought out Judaism because the values so deeply resonated within me.

I happened to go to Jewish summer camp and fell in love with the friends and community I made. Years later, you could insert "Israel" into that sentence. It sounds a bit odd and irrational to say something is such an important value when I don't feel like I ever really CHOSE it but that's life.

How many Amish, Catholics, or charedim would have chosen their lives if they hadn't been born into that world?

*************

I am a Jew because I believe I am part of something bigger than myself that is real. I grew up in a non-religious home and have become more religious on my own. I have felt a connection to HaShem if my life and my travels to Jerusalem. I am a part of something special, and I am proud of my heritage and the future of my people.

*************

I grew up with it, in a watered down religious way, and in a home of immigrants who had been persecuted because they are/were Jewish. I had lots of my own experiences here in the States, both as a youngster and as an adult. One fine day I realized that I owe my very existence to Jew hatred - without it, presumably, my parents would have never fled their home countries, and presumably would have never met, thus obviatingmy conception. Can you believe it Jack; I, a Jew, owe my existence to Adolph Hitler?

And people think I'm weird. Anyway, as I've grown older, Judaism has grown in and on me. At this point in my life, I can't do without it.

*************

Why am I Jewish?The answer goes beyond the simple accident of birth, that chance fusing of DNA from the son of Polish Ashkenazic immigrants and the daughter of Russian Ashkenazic immigrants. That alone would suffice, but it would not explain why I - a devout skeptic - put on tefillin and a tallit and say my prayers almost every day.

To be a Jew means more than to be an ancestor of the people who escaped Egyptian slavery and who stood at the base of Mount Horeb. Those stories go to the heart of our nation-building experience, but they do not completely explain the curious combination of deep moral vision and common sense that are the essential components of the Jewish belief system.

We Jews are, ideally, a kingdom of priests and a holy nation, a light unto the world - who would not want to be a part of such a nation? That is why I am Jewish.

Our national history teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, to not shun the stranger - for we were strangers in the land of Egypt. Who better than to carry the torch of social justice, to set a positive example?

To us Jews, faith is important - but deeds are much more so. That is why I am Jewish. I am Jewish because I am the descendant of people who were not content merely to pray to God, but had the chutzpah to bargain with, argue with, and cajole Him.

I am Jewish because we need no intermediaries between us and the Almighty, an ineffable Spirit who does not need to incarnate Himself in order to understand the deepest thoughts of His creations, who created them without sin or blemish (and without perfection) - but with Free Will. That is why I am Jewish.

Plus...gefilte fish!

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Why am I Jewish? Birth. That's all. I mean, ashreinu ma tov chelkeinu, etc,

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Birth for a starter. I wasn't raised in a religious home, but we knew we were Jewish. I could have turned away into an American universalist. In my childhood days, most people had religion, except for the rare intermarried family.

Today no religion is more common.

I'm the type who likes to be part of something, and if I'm part of something I take it seriously. So, today I'm a Torah Jew, aka Orthodox.

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Quite simply, I AM Jewish because I was born into a Jewish family with Jewish parents. It doesn't take much more than uterine luck to be a Jew in many cases.

It's what one does with that birthright that defines his or her Judaism. I've written about my belief that every Jew is a Jew by choice, but I've never really gotten into the why, so here we go.

I am a practicing Jew because the basic concepts work for me. Observing commandments like keeping kosher make me feel connected to something much bigger than me; it connects me to thousands of years of heritage and to all kosher Jews around the world today.

On a more theological level, I like being part of a religion that allows its adherents to question everything and often encourages the practice. I could not be in a faith where such grappling is not a core value. I mean, we've devoted whole books to wrestling with core ideological questions and they'll never be done.

Judaism is a living thing unto itself and that's pretty damn cool. We infuse everything from mundane tasks to sublime revelations with holiness. Who else makes a religion out of eating but the Jews?

More than that, we have crammed a holistic way of life into our faith without being absolute.

Finally, I'm Jewish because it resonates with me. I find comfort in the memories of my home during holidays, of the friends from various youth groups and Hebrew school and college classes, and of the incredible hospitality I've encountered in my travels.

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You could look at painter Marc Chagall's reply when he was asked 'who is a Jew?'. He defined a Jew as anybody the world treated as one.

It's certainly one answer, even for those totally assimilated 'progressive' Jews on the Left who may one day find out exactly how Jewish their political allies see them as.

We are a religion and a nationality at the same time, the only group of people whom I can think of for which that can be said.

Why am I a Jew? Because it is part of whom I am. It is as natural to me as breathing.

To deny it would be an act of self-hatred. The simplest answer, of course, is that I am a Jew because Hashem made me one, and it was not an accident.

Embracing that in all its facets without apology or second thoughts is a fascinating experience, especially if you believe, as I do, that G-d has a special purpose and plan for the Jewish people.

*************

Born Jewish. Went to Jewish school. Went to very non Jewish university. Didn't know how to be Jewish on my own. Dated non Jewish men. Parents rather angry. I didn't really get way, because we weren't strict in our Jewish practice, did the eating non Kosher thing when we were out and about and didn't keep Shabbat at all.

In fact Shabbat was spent shopping.

Anyway, eventually married non Jewish man. I had a bit of a life eye opener a couple of years back when, i nearly died. Emergency surgery and a couple of years of "finding myself" and i found myself back (sort of) where i started practicing my religion once more, only more strictly (and more seriously) than i had with my parents.

Why am i Jewish? Because after years of not behaving Jewishly, "being Jewish" is a better fit for me spiritually.

*************

I was born to a Jewish mother. they tell me that that makes me Jewish. Recently this issue has been bothering a student I've been working with in school. It comes down to trust in the oral tradition, to the idea that the written Torah is shorthand.

I was once a witness for a friend before he got married in Jerusalem. A large, tough looking rabbi asked me if my friend was Jewish. i said yes. Then he surprised me by asking, "Eich atah yodeah?" My basic answer was "homina, homina, homina," but included some details like the fact that my friend went to day schools/yeshivot his whole life, his father was a rabbi, and (my favorite) everyone assumed he was Jewish. The big man bought it.

As far as I know I am Jewish. My understanding is that this can not easily be undone, and maybe it can't be undone even with great effort (G-d forbid). We are called G-d's children, and there's no divorce for children. The question asked was why am I Jewish, so I guess that answers that.

One could wonder why am I or my compatriots actively Jewish. What compels me to be a Jewy Jew? To me, that's a more interesting question than why I am technically Jewish and a much more difficult question to answer. I think so much in life that we present in life as ideology is actually largely sociology. Why we hold the opinions and beliefs that we do is very much about what we've experienced in life. Pursuant to that point I feel that I can never thank my parents enough for having sent me, from Kindergarten on, to Jewish Day Schools.

I could go on and on with this question, expanding it, branching it out into related question upon question: why am I Orthodox (and what does Orthodox mean?), why am I the kind of Orthodox Jew that I am (and what kind is that?), why am I a rabbi? , why do I teach Jewish Studies, what do I believe are the important actions, elements, beliefs of a Jew?, and on and on and on.

I'm going to close this answer up now. I'm not sure if it fits so much as I'd like it to, but I'll end with an analogy. In Gadi Pollack's Once Upon A Tale (translated by Devorah GoldshmiedtI the following moshol is presented in the introduction.

A man was staying with a close friend of his, in an inn, in a foreign land. He was dependent on his pal, because he did not know the language of the country they were visiting.

One day, during a rare moment our protagonist found himself alone in his room. The innkeeper stormed into the room and began shouting in a his language. The star of our story didn't understand a word.

The other gentleman started screaming more frantically, pointing at the clock on the wall, motioning to the door.

All the guest could think of was that he was about to be thrown out if he didn't pay up. he offered the owner money to no avail The scene replayed itself in a perpetual loop until the other guest returned.

He immediately understood that the proprietor was warning them that there was a fire at the other end of the hotel and that it could spread and that they'd best get outside right away.

A lesson from this story that we can glean is that often in life messages are being sent our way from G-d.

This I believe.

We sometimes misinterpret messages based on our own biases and lack of knowledge of the language of G-d. The messages I've been sent in my life, and continue to receive have made clear to me that a traditional Jewish life is the path of truth.

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I was born Jewish, so evidently it is God's will that it be so. I bend to his will and do the best I can to keep the traditions alive and pass them down to my children and to my students. But had I been given a choice before birth, I would have chosen not to be Jewish. I think that life would be easier without all the burdens that Judaism places upon us.

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I'm non religious. My Dad was raised in an orthodox orphanage in 20s/30s Berlin; my Mom was raised by her Christian mother and her assimilated Jewish father. Both converged in Palestine, though.

My Dad was lucky enough to have a teacher who was making Aliyah take my Dad with him. He ended up helping found a kibbutz in 1935. He also became a Marxist, abandoning his religion. He died a Reagan Democrat, with a respect for religion, but he never went back.

My Mom's assimilated Jewish father was profoundly affected by Herzl's Zionism. He made his first journey to Palestine in 1912, or so, along with such other Austro-Hungarian Zionists as Stefan Zweick.

He eventually moved the family to Tel Aviv in 1935, and my Mom, at 13, started school there.

My Mom had good religious training in the schools, but was never religious herself.

During WWII, my Dad was in the RAF; my Mom was in concentration camp in Indonesia (long story).

After the war, both were repatriated to Palestine, and both fought in the War of Independence. My Dad, for about 5 minutes, until a bigger fish came along, was the first Jewish commander of Jaffa since the Roman era; my mom was a draftsman for the Army.

I am, therefore, deeply connected to Israel.

When my parents came to America, they continued to be nonreligious. They didn't realize that it's one thing to be a non-religious Jew in a Jewish country, and a non-religious Jew in a Christian/secular country.

So religion isn't my Jewishness. And yet I still feel Jewish.My parents friends were, without exception, Jewish. My parents social reference points were, without exception, Jewish.

My Dad's jokes were, with few exceptions, Jewish. Our sense of empathy was tied to Jews -- those who died in the Holocaust and those who lived in Israel.

I know I'm Jewish and I make sure my kids know they're Jewish.

Judaism-Interdenominational Melee Thoughts

I am working on or at least thinking about two posts. The first is my "Why are you Jewish" and the second is the self indulgent happy blogiversary post that I want/need to write. In between I decided to touch upon both of these with a comment or two about some things that are going on.

Or should I say that I am sort of revisiting topics that never really go away. There is an ongoing struggle within Judaism for control of the future of the religion. It is a battle that is not limited to Judaism, it is something that you see in all religions.

I'll apologize in advance for not providing a glossary or explanation of all the ideas and thoughts here, I am pressed for time.

From a Judaic standpoint you can boil it down to whether Torah is Min ha-shamayim or not. Did Hashem give Moshe the Torah or was it divinely inspired. There are significant differences in interpretation and that makes all the difference.

Some of you may remember a show from the late 70's/'80s or so called The Greatest American Hero. I like using it to try and explain some of my thoughts on this. Here is the YouTube description of the show:

A teacher is asked to be a superhero using a special alien suit with powers he can barely understand or control, after losing the instruction manual. He is aided by a Government Agent. Along with his lawyer girlfriend, together they figure out not only how to control the suit, but to right wrongs.

The hero, Ralph has this incredible suit, but only the foggiest idea how to use it. So he has to learn by undergoing a trial and error learning process. At times it is painful, flying is hard and his landings are painful. Gradually he figures it out and in time comes to be fairly proficient at using it.

That is similar to one explanation I heard many years ago about Torah. Granted it doesn't touch upon the Oral Law, which I think is a mistake.

A better explanation would be to tie it into the concept of Originalism as it applies to the U.S. Constitution. Given the current nominee for the court you might enjoy reading through it.

Anyhoo, the idea if you are not familiar with it is that the founding fathers wrote the document and we should follow the intent without any sort of deviation. That is opposed by the idea of a living Constitution. That allows for a more flexible interpretation of the law.

To me the latter makes far more sense. Life is not what it was two hundred years ago, let alone 2,500 years. We moved from believing that slavery was ok, that some people were worth less because of their skin color. We understand now that the sun doesn't revolve around the earth and that the earth is not flat.

So it makes sense that we explore and consider what we are doing and why. If you cannot engage in self examination there is a problem. If you dare not challenge your beliefs then maybe you haven't got enough of a foundation to support it.

All that being said faith is a central component of it all. I challenge much, but at the same time there are things that I just accept based upon faith alone. It is not always logical or rational, but in general it works for me.

Here is an old joke that I have shared on the blog before:

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets the rabbi who is supposed to perform the ceremony. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

The rabbi answers, "No way! "Men and women always dance separately!"

The man then asks, "So after the ceremony you mean I can't even dance with my own wife?"

The rabbi replies, "It's forbidden!"

The man asks, "Can we finally have sex?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course! Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have many children!"

"What about different positions?" asked the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!"

"Well then, how about a woman on top?" the man asks.

Rabbi replies, "It's mitzvah!"

"How about Doggy Style?"

"Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno film?"

"It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Well, why not?" asks the man.


Rabbi answers, "Could lead to dancing!"

And here are some posts that are somewhat related to this topic. I need to pick it up again at a later date and get an earlier start on it.

As an FYI, some of these posts were written quite some time ago. I need to review them and determine if I still agree with everything I wrote. In any case, I'll put them here so that I can find them.

Who is A Jew
Robbing The Bride and Groom
Jews- The Interdenominational Melee
Prayer In School
Second Guessing Ourselves- Elul Times Two
The Future of Judaism
Orthodox Versus Jewry- Or My Blood is More Jewish
My Brother- A Lesson in Simple Physics

Post Preview- Why Are You Jewish

Earlier this week I sent out an email to a list of bloggers of mixed backgrounds asking them to participate in an upcoming post. Enclosed in the email was one question, Why Are You Jewish?

Quite a number of them have responded and I am in the process of trying to construct a proper framework for this so that I can produce a post that will do justice to the topic and stories.

It may sound like an easy question but I think that there is far more to it than many people realize. One of the reasons I asked was my curiosity in learning if most people are Jewish simply because of birth or because of a conscious decision.

Obviously the gerim (converts) fall into a slightly different category. But even so I am still curious to learn how many chose to become Jewish because they wanted to and how many did it so that they could marry their spouse.

In any case I am going to try and get it done for publication later this week, but there is still a chance that it may end up having to wait a bit longer. Keep checking in here and I'll keep you posted.

Alysa Stanton Becomes First Female Black Rabbi

From ABC:

"Growing up in a black, Pentecostal family in Cleveland, Alysa Stanton never imagined the day when she would be preparing to be ordained as a rabbi. But that day will come June 6 for the single mother who will be ordained by the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Cincinnati, becoming the first African-American female rabbi in the world.

"Ten years ago, if someone said I was going to be a rabbi, I would have laughed," Stanton, 45, told ABCnews.com. "Me, a spiritual leader?"

Soon-to-be rabbi Stanton and her daughter Shana, 14, whom she adopted when she was 14 months old, will move to Greenville, N.C., in August, where Stanton will take her spot behind the pulpit at Congregation Bayt Shalom, which is both conservative and reform.

Stanton, a reform Jew, said that her mother encouraged her to explore different religions as a young child and that, at the age of 9, she was already asking her priest to teach her about Kaballah, which focuses on the mystical aspect of Judaism.

Then, at age 10, she received her first Hebrew grammar book from her devout Christian uncle who made it a habit to attend Jewish ceremonies, as well as his own. By her early 20s, Stanton said she'd decided to convert.

"Most people convert because they're marrying or dating someone who is Jewish or for another reason other than just picking that spiritual path," Stanton said.

"I did so because it was the path for me," she said. "Not only from a religious standpoint but from an ethical and social and communal standpoint, it was important to me."

Let's see what the J-blogosphere's Gil Student had to say about this, also from the same article.

"But the Orthodox Jewish community, which has historically not permitted women to hold leadership roles in its congregations, is less accepting of Stanton's upcoming ordination because of her sex.

"My general feeling, as a rabbi, is that there is a great deal of room for everyone to have spiritual fulfillment in Judaism but the public role of a rabbi is only for certain people and that excludes women," Orthodox Rabbi Gil Student of New York City told ABCNews.com. "That's based on tradition and enshrined in law."

As for race, Student said that neither he nor the Orthodox Jewish community finds any problem with African-American Jews. "There is no such thing as skin color in Judaism, it doesn't exist," Student said. "

Transitions- Passover Seder

Some of my favorite memories as a young boy are of shaving with my father. I was around five or so and had my own special razor. It was special because it didn't have a blade in it, but I didn't care. Dad would help me lather up and we'd share the mirror and shave together.

Eventually we'd finish and he'd help me clean off the remaining shaving cream and throw on some aftershave. Mom would always compliment me on how good I was at it, how smooth my face was.

I thought about that earlier today. We were at the hospital visiting my grandmother and mom made a comment about how thick my beard is and the lines in my forehead. She is having a harder time accepting my turning 40 than her turning 65. Or maybe it is that it is becoming harder to visualize me as the little boy I once was.

At the moment things with grandma aren't serious and it appears that she'll be out in time to join us for the seder. It is going to be at my house again. It is the second time that I get to run the show.

Last year it wasn't a planned event. The folks had been spent a couple of months in Israel. My dad got sick and was briefly hospitalized and as a result when they came back to the states he had to undergo some treatment on the East Coast.

As a result the seder was moved from my parent's home to mine. It was a big deal to me. While I had always expected that one day I would take over I hadn't ever imagined that it would happen as it did.

This year my mother called to ask if we could do it again and of course we said yes. It is kind of funny, but I am a bit nervous about it. Last year they weren't here to see me lead, but this year they will be. This year my father won't be at the head of the table, I will and it will be my job to run the show.

So it occurs to me that when I think about 40 years of Pesach memories that my children are finally old enough to really remember things. They have already begun talking about last year and are asking what they are going to get to do this year.

Part of me doesn't feel old enough to do this. Part of me says that I can't possibly be that old and part of me is excited to take this on. Inside my mind I am mapping out what I want to do and trying to decide how I want things to run.

At the same time I have so many images running through my skull. So many memories of past sedarim. A mental scrapbook of things that once were. Great-grandparents, my great-grandparents telling their own stories. My great-grandmother saying that she was shikkered (drunk) from the grape juice. My father talking about his grandfather's English and how he always read "herb" without the silent "H."

Earlier today my daughter asked me to tell her who was worse, Haman or Pharoah. And then she wanted to know if they got to eat Matzah Pizza in the desert.

So many thoughts and so many things to consider. What do I want to emphasize. What is most important for the children to get out of this. Some of the adults will be less than patient, so what do I do to keep them interested.

I am struggling to keep this moving forward, so I'll go for the default option and provide some links to past posts about the holiday.

Struggling With Pesach
Passing The Baton- Grandma is 94
Passover- The High Cholesterol Holiday
What is Your Favorite Pesach Memory?
Some Passover Musings
Passover

Newsweek Lists Top 50 Rabbis Again

We covered the last two times so we might as well hit this one too. Course some of my favorite rabbis aren't on that list.

Scholar Claims Dead Sea Scrolls 'Authors' Never Existed

I thought that this article was interesting and that it might not be so far fetched.

Biblical scholars have long argued that the Dead Sea Scrolls were the work of an ascetic and celibate Jewish community known as the Essenes, which flourished in the 1st century A.D. in the scorching desert canyons near the Dead Sea. Now a prominent Israeli scholar, Rachel Elior, disputes that the Essenes ever existed at all — a claim that has shaken the bedrock of biblical scholarship.

Elior, who teaches Jewish mysticism at Jerusalem's Hebrew University, claims that the Essenes were a fabrication by the 1st century A.D. Jewish-Roman historian Flavius Josephus and that his faulty reporting was passed on as fact throughout the centuries. As Elior explains, the Essenes make no mention of themselves in the 900 scrolls found by a Bedouin shepherd in 1947 in the caves of Qumran, near the Dead Sea. "Sixty years of research have been wasted trying to find the Essenes in the scrolls," Elior tells TIME. "But they didn't exist. This is legend on a legend."

Elior contends that Josephus, a former Jewish priest who wrote his history while being held captive in Rome, "wanted to explain to the Romans that the Jews weren't all losers and traitors, that there were many exceptional Jews of religious devotion and heroism. You might say it was the first rebuttal to anti-Semitic literature." She adds, "He was probably inspired by the Spartans. For the Romans, the Spartans were the highest ideal of human behavior, and Josephus wanted to portray Jews who were like the Spartans in their ideals and high virtue."

Click here and read the whole thing.

Explaining My Judaism

The Blues Brothers Are On a Mission From God.

I keep writing and rewriting the opening paragraph of this post. I don't like the title. I hate it. It sounds ridiculous and idiotic and it sets a poor tone, but for now it will do.

Sometimes I'd like my religious beliefs to be based solely upon critical reasoning and logical thought. It'd be really nice and exceptionally convenient if they fit together like a cool set of legos. I'd start by providing you with an outline and then follow up with sections that built upon each other.

It would be like a pyramid with a wide base that served as a foundation and then blocks upon blocks until it reached the narrow top. And the best part would be that it would be easy to simple to understand. You'd look at the bottom and by the time you reached the top you'd have a clear understanding of why I believe what I believe.

Or maybe what I am really saying is that I'd like that. I'd like to be able to just whip out an explanation that didn't leave me asking questions or shaking my head because some things just didn't make sense.

But the thing is that when we are dealing with matters of faith then we are forced to take positions that require accepting that faith is sometimes all we have. It is hard to do and it makes for all sorts of interesting situations and compromises.

Faith is what let's me accept some things and question others. To some people I am sure that this sounds ridiculous. One could easily argue that most of us are brainwashed as children to accept a particular religion as being the truth. From that perspective we could also argue that those who convert as adults deserve special consideration because they made a choice to believe, it wasn't just spoonfed to them.

But that is a different story for a different time.

When I think about faith I think about a number of things. I think about love. When someone says that she loves me do I simply accept her word or do I require her to prove it. And if I require her to prove it, what do I need for proof.

Must she bear my children or would it be enough to have sex with me. Does she need to live with me and take care of me to prove it, or could it be proven by words.

Now all that might sound ridiculous, but to me it is tied into faith. When she says that she loves me I can take her word and accept it to be the truth or I can doubt it.

Ultimately I make my decision based upon a couple of factors, but faith is the primary mover. It is a bit disconcerting to make decisions that way, but sometimes it is all you have.

Ok, is it just me or is this post a prime example of gibberish and blather.

The Cheapest Blood

There is an ongoing discussion among my Jewish friends and I. Actually there are many ongoing discussions but for the purpose of this post we'll focus on one. What is our role as a Jew. It is not so much a religious discussion as a question of what does it mean when you're the only Jew in school or the office.

You see for whatever reason many of us seem to feel that when we are the only Jew around we have to assume the mantle of spokesperson for the Jews. It is especially noticeable during the holiday season or times like now when Israel is at war. Because now people start to approach us to ask questions or make statements about Israel.

Now let's be clear about something there is no one person or organization that speaks for all of us. And there are many Jews who have never been to Israel or are relatively uneducated about it. They don't know much about the history and can't really discuss the politics with any degree of expertise. If you ask me that is ok. I play basketball with a Chinese guy who can't tell you a thing about Chinese politics. He is an American who was born and raised in Los Angeles. He happens to be Chinese, but that doesn't mean he knows Mao from Kung-Pao.Although I frequently ask him to Free Tibet.

The point is that there shouldn't be a reason why a Jew who doesn't live in Israel has to be an expert on what happens there. But the world is a funny place and my friends and I have found that while we shouldn't have to know, it is helpful. Because for better or worse what happens in Israel impacts us.

If you have spent any time reading about the protests against the war in Gaza you'll be aware that they don't just focus on Israel, but also on Jews.

Victor Davis Hanson in an article called Creepy Times writes:

"There is something especially nauseating about the latest Middle East war — scenes of worldwide Islamic protests with photos of Jews as apes, protesters (in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida of all places!) screaming about nuking Israel and putting Jews in ovens, parades of children dressed up with suicide vests and fake rockets, near constant anti-Semitic vicious sloganeering,"

It wouldn't take any effort to provide additional examples including video and pictures of the actions of these people. I could relate personal experiences I have had with Anti-Israel protesters lament that Hitler should have finished the job. Sadly that is not hyperbole, it is reality.

As it happens I have been to Israel many times and have a lot of friends and family who live there. So when things happen I am always concerned. As I write this I worry about their safety including younger cousins who have been called up. The connection is personal so it is easy for me. I like knowing what is going on. I like being able to give an intelligent answer to the questions I receive.

Still, I am American. Been here all of my just short of my 40 years of life. I vote in every election, recite the pledge, sing the national anthem (poorly) and have a barbecue on the fourth of July. So when people come to me and ask why Israel is acting in a certain manner I sometimes shake my head. Ben-Gurion didn't bestow me with any special honors. I am an ordinary American Joe who happens to love Israel.

But these protesters remind me that some people think otherwise. It is a peculiar thing if you ask me. They protest a war and allege that there is a humanitarian crisis. Yet in the process of working towards sainthood they dehumanize me and my fellows. They curse and threaten us and suggest that a genocidal maniac should have been successful in his efforts to eradicate us.

Earlier today I played in my weekly pickup basketball game. While sitting in the locker room a Nigerian man approached me and asked me to explain what was going on and to get my opinion. Midway through the discussion I looked at him and said, "To some Jewish blood is cheap, but the cheapest blood of all is African."

For a moment I wondered if I had offended him and then he nodded and gave a wistful smile. He paused and responded, "Jack, no one cares about Africa. Most Americans don't know much if anything about it all. They can't tell me a thing about my country. And the world, well the world ignores the pain and suffering because we have nothing that they can sell for money. You're right, African blood is the cheapest."

Crossposted on Yourish

Kristallnacht

It is 70 years since the Kristallnacht Pogrom.

"The Kristallnacht Pogrom was an organized pogrom against Jews in Germany and Austria that occurred on November 9–10, 1938. Kristallnacht is also known as the November Pogrom, "Night of Broken Glass," and "Crystal Night." Orchestrated by the Nazis in retaliation for the assassination of a German embassy official in Paris by a seventeen-year-old Jewish youth named Herchel Grynzspan, 1,400 synagogues and 7,000 businesses were destroyed, almost 100 Jews were killed, and 30,000 were arrested and sent to concentration camps. German Jews were
subsequently held financially responsible for the destruction wrought upon their
property during this pogrom."

Other links to posts/articles about Kristallnacht:

Rubicon 3
Crown Heights Info
Israel At Level Ground
CNN
Jewlicious
Leora

On a side note it is worth mentioning that they discovered the construction plans for Auschwitz.

Abba Was The Torah

Yom Kippur was............great.
Yom Kippur was............terrible.
Yom Kippur was............long.
Yom Kippur was............hard.
Yom Kippur was............meaningful.

Yom Kippur was............well I am not really sure what else to put there. I suppose that if I thought about it I could come up with a few more adjectives, but I think that I am done with Mad Libs for the moment.

I spent a good part of the day with my tallis over my head and I am sure that more than a few people figured that it was an attempt to sleep. To be clear I certainly wouldn't try to go to sleep with a wool blanket over my head, far too hot. Really it is just an attempt to focus on davening.

Davening is not something that comes easily to me. It is something that requires a fair bit of effort, especially when I am battling hunger, thirst and a raging headache. A good friend of mine once suggested that I combat lack of focus by only davening in Orthodox shuls. The idea was that I'd find it easier to focus with more likeminded people and a mechitza.

I laughed at the idea. Been to plenty of Orthodox shuls and had no problem finding plenty of people to distract me. These three guys are talking, that guy over there keeps wandering in and out and the dude over there thinks that if he doesn't mutter loudly G-d can't hear him.

And let's not get started about the mechitza. I have a very graphic and active imagination. The inability to physically see women won't prevent me from engaging in any sort of thought about them. In short, if I don't work hard to stay focused it is easy to get distracted.

Truth is that I prefer to daven outside, but that is a story for a different day.

Read Torah again this year. New usher gave me grief about reading, decided that he didn't like where I was sitting and suggested that I was too far from the bima. Thanked him for his concern and told him that I started reading during the Reagan administration. This was confirmation that my headache was in full force.

Walked up to layn/lein and suddenly I hear my daughter's voice "Go Daddy Go!" It made me smile. Smiled bigger when I heard her argue with her mother about being able to cheer for me.

Later on that day she proudly walked up to her grandparents and announced that "abba was the Torah." Got to spend the next ten minutes trying to explain to her older sibling that she is four and he really didn't need to correct her. He then told me that I am a person and I couldn't be the Torah.

By that point in time my head was pounding. I was tempted to put on a Torah cover and breastplate just to prove him wrong, but I couldn't figure out where to place the rimonim and what shoes to wear with it.

BTW, if you took that last paragraph seriously you need more sleep.

Anyhoo, I am glad that we're in the home stretch. This time of year always makes me feel a little bit crazy.

Crossposted here.

Wrestling With Atonement- Yom Kippur Kraziness

I am willing to bet that few people have written a post about Yom Kippur while listening to Wild Cherry's Play That Funky Music. It is not really the sort of music that one thinks about as setting a proper mood for introspection but it happens to be what is playing on iTunes right now. In another moment I'll shift gears and put on something more appropriate, but this will work for now.

In a relatively short period of time the sun will rise and set and rise and set and another Yom Kippur will have come and gone. And so I find myself sitting in the dark contemplating what it all means to me and what I have learned.

I'll start out by quoting from Moments When I feel Closest To G-d:

"I have written a number of times about my struggles with G-d, how I Yelled
at G-d and the challenges I have had with davening. If you are really interested you can read more here, here and here. There are probably a couple more links but that is enough time shilling for my own blog.

If you are here you are probably interested in what I have to say or trapped beneath a heavy object and unable to do move away from the keyboard. If you are trapped and without an internet connection I encourage you to search for meaning in what I say, I do all the time because what is the purpose of living if there is no meaning in life.

That is not really tongue in cheek, it is just my wry sense of humor saying that we all need to find a reason to be here and that it is an individual thing that does not have to mirror your neighbor."

I used to dislike Yom Kippur immensely. I didn't really find meaning in it. It was a day that seemed to be predicated upon enduring being uncomfortable. I didn't find the davening to be significant, meaningful or interesting. Most of the people around me spent the time in shul complaining about something and few had anything positive to say.

At some point that feeling changed, but I can't say when. I have been trying to figure out when and what changed, but it is like grabbing smoke. The harder I try the harder it is to determine. So if you'll bear with me I am going to to just ramble a bit.

Unetaneh Tokef grabs me

"On Rosh Hashanah it is written and Yom Kippur it is sealed
How many shall pass on and how many shall come to be;
who shall live and who shall die;
who shall see ripe old age and who shall not;
who shall perish by fire
and who by water;
who by sword and who by beast;
who by hunger and who by thirst;"

Part of me shrugs my shoulder at it all. It is easy to blow it off and say that people die, earthquakes happen, fires burn and the world goes on. Certainly I won't say that divine punishment is the reason for natural disasters. Neither will I say that some people die early because of some unknowable divine plan. That is not how I roll.

But I have come to appreciate setting aside time to sit down and take a hard look at my life. It is not always easy to engage in that sort of introspection, to take a hard look at the good and the bad. And that is what I do.

I try to take time to consider who I am. I am a flawed individual. There are many things that I need to improve upon. It would be unfair, unreasonable and unwarranted to suggest otherwise. I have made mistakes that I am very sorry for. I have traveled upon some dark roads that I wish that I could have avoided.

I don't expect to find salvation by admitting all my sins. I don't believe that with a few words they can all just be forgiven and washed away. That doesn't make any sense to me. Neither do I believe that I should engage in endless self-flagellation for them.

What I will try to do is the best I can to improve. I'll do what I can not to repeat the mistakes of the past and to try and be better for the future. A large part of that effort will be spent on trying to help my children avoid the pitfalls that I fell for and into. It was a challenging year, but that is how it goes.

So here we are at the end of the post. Have I learned anything more about myself? Nope. Not sure that I have done much other than babble. But I am a believer in the exercise so if I am still blogging you can expect to see this kind of post again.

And for what it is worth, if I have offended or upset you my sincere apologies.

G'mar Chatima Tova. I wish you an easy fast. May you be inscribed and sealed.

A Tale of Two Widowers

This is the sort of post that I struggle to write. I struggle because I have a story to tell and I want to convey the message in a particular way but I am not quite sure how to do it. It is a story of life and death, of the power and pain of love.

It is moments like this where I wish that I could write music because such a tale deserves an appropriate soundtrack. A full orchestra that could impart the highs and lows of this story because I am not quite sure that I can do it justice. Since that is just not possible I am going to do my best to fumble my way through this. All I can do try my best to catch the Silver man, so here we go.

Just a few short hours ago I was at a holiday dinner with my family. The table was covered in with a beautiful linen table cloth and adorned with china and silver. Several assortments of flowers were spread out throughout the table. And of course there were lots of guests surrounding the table.

Now I could tell you about the peals of laughter emanating from children like silver bells or I could share the sounds of my grandparents and relatives discussing the election and the rabbi's sermon. It wouldn't be hard because those are probably things that you can relate to.

But then I might miss out on sharing a tale of two widowers. Two men who lost their wives roughly a year ago. Two men who sat at the table and enjoyed the meal, but whose eyes and words revealed the depth of the pain of loss.

It seems unfair that I can't tell you their individual stories because it is. It is unfair because they lost the light in their candle long before they ever expected to see them go dark. It is unfair because it is unfair. Sometimes evil people live much longer lives than good people. It is unfair because life is unfair.

And it bothers me that I have to teach my children that no matter what we do life will never be fair. It bothers me that I have to teach my children about death and that no matter what they or anyone else does, they will experience death. One day the people they love the most will be gone and all they will have left will be memories.

But I'll do my best to teach my children to seek the positive side of all this. If the loss doesn't hurt than there is a problem. I have often thought that to a certain extent you can expect the loss to be as painful as the love was joyful.

I spoke with both of these men at different times this evening and I spoke with both of these men during shiva calls. And part of what struck me is how deeply they loved their wives and how their losses wounded them.

At separate moments they both made a point of telling me to make sure that I truly live my life because the person I love most could unexpectedly be taken from me. It is a theft like no other. I can't say that I truly understand what they are going through, but I can say that I am convinced that the hardest pain to deal with is mental pain.

You can always find a way to get around the physical pain, but mental pain is a harder nut to crack. How do you turn off your memory. How do you forget and would you really want to.

So I find myself lost in thought about the words that they shared with me and how to apply them to my life. I don't want to wake up and say that I failed to live my dreams because I failed to try. It is one thing to have tried and failed and another to have never done so.

I can find a way to live with the failure of having tried and been unsuccessful, but I don't think that I can live with never having tried. Someday is a great way to put off the future, but someday doesn't always come.

And so I find myself pondering the new year with similar thoughts and questions to those I had last year. If I have any sort of resolution it is to make a greater effort to live my dreams and to do the things that I need to do to have a happier and more meaningful life because you really don't know when it might all come crashing down upon you.

Crossposted here.

Proof That We Don't Control The Media

My pals at Toner Mishap tipped me off to this tale of the Dreamworks assistant who has never met Rosh Hashanah. If you want you can head over to Defamer and read more there.

Something tells me that Melissa is going to take a little flak for this one.

Why Me? Rosh Hashanah Thoughts

Why Me? Why Me. Why me!

Language is ever so interesting to me. Words can do so much to communicate thoughts and feelings. All it takes is a bit of effort to craft a sentence that let's the reader know what is on your mind. When you phrase it like that it sounds ever so easy.

All...It...Takes...Is...A...Little...Effort.

As if the failure to properly express yourself can be attributed to your not trying hard enough. I try. I try really hard. I won't lie and say that I do every time because I don't. I am lucky in that I can usually get by with less. But that can be attributed to years of practice and some sort of natural ability.

Don't get me wrong, there are many others out there who are much finer writers than myself. I know and accept that. The trick is trying to outwork the others. The rub is knowing that with a little hard work I can improve. The question is merely whether I am willing to put in the extra effort.

All of this is a long winded preface to some thoughts about the coming new year. Before I jump into it I am going to link to some prior posts on or related to the topic. It is a silly trick I use to give myself a moment to consider what I am about to write.

The Impact of My Actions
Unetanah tokef
Yom Kippur- Besheret- Judgment & More
Another Day, Another Funeral- It is Elul
The New Year
Rosh Hashanah Thoughts

Free association posts are among my favorites. Hint for those who do not follow, I am still considering what I want to say. So I'll do what I do best and just dive into this.

This time of year always leaves me unsettled. Life feels like a contradiction. I feel comfortable with myself and completely at a loss. I look in the mirror and ask if I am the person I should be. If I say no I tell myself I am being too hard and if I say yes I ask why I must live in denial.

There is no right answer, I cannot win because I am my own biggest critic. As a compromise I remind myself that I am imperfect and that my father is right, all you can do is your best. Well, I am doing my best, but in some areas it hasn't been good enough.

Some people tell me not to worry, that I am part of a bigger plan, but I have problems with ambiguous remarks like that. They make you feel good because you can sigh and just live because G-d will take care of you. The problem is that I see too many things that make no sense.

Blog friends who have lost children, family friends who have died far too young and my own share of friends who have been taken well before their time.

Don't tell me that G-d has a plan. I can't go to a bereaved parent and tell them that it is going to be ok. When we buried 'D' I shook with anger. In between the time he died and the birth of my children I struggled to accept that there was any sort of higher power.

'D' was amazing. He was someone who lived life with a purpose. He was a scientist who had incredible ideas about how we could change things and improve life for everyone. He was going to make a difference in the world. He would have changed things and now he is dead, ten years in the ground.

What sort of plan takes him away and lets the BTK maniac run around. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I can accept free will. I can accept a world in which we are granted the opportunity to be good, or evil or anywhere in between.

But a plan, nah, that I cannot do.

I can look in the mirror and yell about all the things that are unfair in life. I can cry because it seems that everyone else seems to get that brass ring. They get to lead the life that I want. I can look at them and say that it is clear that they are so much happier than I am. I can point and say that once again I am stuck on the outside looking in.

Except that when I talk to friends who are leading these amazing lives most tell me that they are not so amazing. There is always something that is serving as the fly in their ointment. So maybe I can be content in knowing that we all have our struggles, or maybe not.

I suppose that part of what I find so unsettling about this time of year is that I can give a long list of people who have died. It is probably no different from any other time of year, but still it affects me.

"On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed,

And on Yom Kippur it is sealed.

How many shall pass away and how many shall be born,

Who shall live and who shall die,

Who shall reach the end of his days and who shall not,

Who shall perish by water and who by fire,

Who by sword and who by wild beast,

Who by famine and who by thirst,

Who by earthquake and who by plague,

Who by strangulation and who by stoning,

Who shall have rest and who shall wander,

Who shall be at peace and who shall be pursued,

Who shall be at rest and who shall be tormented,

Who shall be exalted and who shall be brought low,

Who shall become rich and who shall be impoverished.

But repentance, prayer and righteousness avert the severe decree."

In the end I come back to the same place year after year. It doesn't serve any purpose to argue about whether we should be good because G-d tells us too. I still believe that you do not have to have religion to be a moral and ethical person.

I try to live that way because it is the right thing to do, not because I may be rewarded. I try to live that way because life is better when we are nice to each other. It is simplistic and a bit self righteous, but it works for me.

And in the end we all have to figure out how to live in a manner that works for us as individuals and collectively.