If you haven't been around here is a quick round up of recent posts here:
Johnny Wonders
A Few Words About Writing
If I Should Love Again
What Not To Do On A One Night Stand
A 21st Century Breakup
Dad is Losing His Mind
A Different Sort Of Fish Tale
And Now For Some Music
Blogging For Dollars- Paid To Write
Listening to Her Breathe
Courtesy and Germs
My First Love
Johnny Was A Hero
ICON Aircraft | A5 Video
via iconaircraft.com
I want one of these. http://www.iconaircraft.com/. Fits in the garage and costs about two hundred thousand or so.Johnny Wonders
It was the morning after a long night and Johnny was less than pleased to be awake. He sat on the couch nursing a cup of coffee and wondering if its magical properties would help today. More often than not it did an adequate job of giving him the kickstart he looked for.
This morning was going to be a crapshoot. He was in a truly foul mood. Angry about anything and everything he didn't want to look in the mirror for fear of starting a fight with his reflection. For a moment he pictured the scene and the ridiculous nature of it.
"What are you looking at," he'd snarl only to see that guy say it right back at him. If life were a movie the man in the mirror would start talking to him and offer some sort of sage advice. Although with the way he was feeling it wouldn't matter. He was especially uninterested in being given any sort of advice like the "just take it one day at a time" or "it could be worse."
That last expression was something that pissed him off on good days. WTF, did anyone really believe that people didn't understand that it could always be worse. Sure, he could be dying from some terrible flesh eating disease. He could be homeless or trapped under a heavy object staring at his crushed legs and watching the blood pool around them.
There were a million different scenarios that could play out. Great, he accepted that he could feel worse. It made little to no difference to him if children were starving in Africa. He donated clothes and sent money, but none of that fixed his problem.
And that problem was simple. It stood 5'7 had jet black hair and dark eyes. Ok, scratch that, he wasn't going to refer to her as 'it.' He didn't really mean anything by that but she wasn't going to see it that way.
Simply put Johnny was crazed and crazy about June and she had cut off contact. It made him angry and frustrated him to no end.
Johnny wasn't a low maintenance kind of guy, he he knew that about himself. He could be moody and intense. He liked being difficult and was hard ass around many people, except June. Somehow she had gotten beyond the defenses he had erected. All those promises he had made not to let anyone back in were shattered by her.
It had taken a long time for him to accept and admit it. He fought an inner battle against it for fear of what could happen. He fought because he feared being vulnerable and then losing her. She promised him repeatedly that she would never really leave and over time he gave in.
But life is never that simple.Things happened, little things, but things. Things that battered and bruised them, nicks and scrapes and more. Over time it wore them down a bit and they found themselves in two different places, not quite sure what direction to head in.
It wasn't the kind of thing that could be blamed upon one or the other. It was a relationship so they were both responsible for what happened. The beauty of hindsight made it easy to see how they could have avoided some of the problems and ways that they could have worked together to overcome it.
But things are what they are and wishing for what could have been doesn't always help. He knew without asking that he and June agreed upon that. He smiled wistfully and let his mind drift. It hadn't been that long since June had expressed her own fears about losing him. She had told him in directly and in so many other ways that her love for him was as deep as his for her.
They used to have silly fights about who loved each other more. Those were interspersed with all sorts of other silly fights about nothing. Most of the time those disagreements were little spats borne of frustration from not being able to move ahead with things as fast as they would have liked.
Johnny was convinced that if they ever got to the place they were heading to those types of arguments would disappear. And if he had wings he could fly. Great, just one more thing to fantasize about. Of course if he could fly he'd force June to see him. He was fairly confident that she'd admire his wings and coo about them. Maybe she'd brush his mane and feed him an apple.
Johnny cursed again. WTF was up with thinking about transforming himself into Pegasus. Sure it was better than turning into a giant cockroach like Gregor Mendel, but still.
For the third time in a few minutes he smiled again. He was thinking about brushing June's hair. He knew a dozen different ways to calm her down and help ease her mind. Even when she was truly angry with him he was always good at getting her to relax, as she was with him.
He was fairly certain that one of the reasons she had cut off contact was because it was too hard to listen to him. She wasn't certain that they could get beyond a couple of their hurdles and he disagreed. His heart and his gut told him that if he was given a little time he could get her back, get her to think about things and take a chance.
They had switched places. She was now the one who was afraid and he wasn't. Well, that wasn't completely true, he was afraid, but he was more afraid of not trying. If he knew his girl she had made some decisions and she was determined to follow them.
Somewhere out there that crazy woman had decided that it wasn't going to work. So she had made a list of all of his faults why he wasn't right. Somewhere out there on the days or moments where she missed him she'd rattle off this list and force herself to be angry with him. Somewhere out there she worked hard to convince herself to ignore what she really felt.
Maybe he had watched too many movies, but he had an urge to show up at her office. He'd wait outside the door and profess his undying love for her. She'd glare at him and tell him to leave. He'd walk up to her, pull her into his arms and kiss her. At first she might be resistant, but it wouldn't take long for her lips and her heart to remember.
Maybe that was what she wanted. She always said that she would never be the first to say I love you. She was progressive and traditional. Maybe she was waiting for him to pursue her with more vigor than he had been.
Back on the couch in the land of reality he finished his coffee and stared out at the window. It was a nice fantasy and it could come true, but it could also blow up. She could scream and fight. She could be totally turned off by the grand gesture. Instead of being in the frying pan he could be squirming in the flames.
Johnny let out a big sigh. He was relieved, the coffee had done its job. He was awake and feeling much better. He still missed June terribly, but he was relaxed. If it was everything that he thought it was they would find their way.
In the past he had always laughed at people who said that, but he didn't anymore. He just knew, it was just how it was. He couldn't tell you exactly how it would happen, just that in his heart he felt like it would. So for now he was focused on living his own life, separate and apart.
He didn't like it, but it was what it was. If nothing else he'd use the time to focus on himself. Worst case scenario he and June would never find each other again but the rest of his life would be in great shape. Kind of a bittersweet thought.
Standing up he yawned and stretched. It was time to shave and shower. The day was waiting and he was ready to attack it.
This morning was going to be a crapshoot. He was in a truly foul mood. Angry about anything and everything he didn't want to look in the mirror for fear of starting a fight with his reflection. For a moment he pictured the scene and the ridiculous nature of it.
"What are you looking at," he'd snarl only to see that guy say it right back at him. If life were a movie the man in the mirror would start talking to him and offer some sort of sage advice. Although with the way he was feeling it wouldn't matter. He was especially uninterested in being given any sort of advice like the "just take it one day at a time" or "it could be worse."
That last expression was something that pissed him off on good days. WTF, did anyone really believe that people didn't understand that it could always be worse. Sure, he could be dying from some terrible flesh eating disease. He could be homeless or trapped under a heavy object staring at his crushed legs and watching the blood pool around them.
There were a million different scenarios that could play out. Great, he accepted that he could feel worse. It made little to no difference to him if children were starving in Africa. He donated clothes and sent money, but none of that fixed his problem.
And that problem was simple. It stood 5'7 had jet black hair and dark eyes. Ok, scratch that, he wasn't going to refer to her as 'it.' He didn't really mean anything by that but she wasn't going to see it that way.
Simply put Johnny was crazed and crazy about June and she had cut off contact. It made him angry and frustrated him to no end.
Johnny wasn't a low maintenance kind of guy, he he knew that about himself. He could be moody and intense. He liked being difficult and was hard ass around many people, except June. Somehow she had gotten beyond the defenses he had erected. All those promises he had made not to let anyone back in were shattered by her.
It had taken a long time for him to accept and admit it. He fought an inner battle against it for fear of what could happen. He fought because he feared being vulnerable and then losing her. She promised him repeatedly that she would never really leave and over time he gave in.
But life is never that simple.Things happened, little things, but things. Things that battered and bruised them, nicks and scrapes and more. Over time it wore them down a bit and they found themselves in two different places, not quite sure what direction to head in.
It wasn't the kind of thing that could be blamed upon one or the other. It was a relationship so they were both responsible for what happened. The beauty of hindsight made it easy to see how they could have avoided some of the problems and ways that they could have worked together to overcome it.
But things are what they are and wishing for what could have been doesn't always help. He knew without asking that he and June agreed upon that. He smiled wistfully and let his mind drift. It hadn't been that long since June had expressed her own fears about losing him. She had told him in directly and in so many other ways that her love for him was as deep as his for her.
They used to have silly fights about who loved each other more. Those were interspersed with all sorts of other silly fights about nothing. Most of the time those disagreements were little spats borne of frustration from not being able to move ahead with things as fast as they would have liked.
Johnny was convinced that if they ever got to the place they were heading to those types of arguments would disappear. And if he had wings he could fly. Great, just one more thing to fantasize about. Of course if he could fly he'd force June to see him. He was fairly confident that she'd admire his wings and coo about them. Maybe she'd brush his mane and feed him an apple.
Johnny cursed again. WTF was up with thinking about transforming himself into Pegasus. Sure it was better than turning into a giant cockroach like Gregor Mendel, but still.
For the third time in a few minutes he smiled again. He was thinking about brushing June's hair. He knew a dozen different ways to calm her down and help ease her mind. Even when she was truly angry with him he was always good at getting her to relax, as she was with him.
He was fairly certain that one of the reasons she had cut off contact was because it was too hard to listen to him. She wasn't certain that they could get beyond a couple of their hurdles and he disagreed. His heart and his gut told him that if he was given a little time he could get her back, get her to think about things and take a chance.
They had switched places. She was now the one who was afraid and he wasn't. Well, that wasn't completely true, he was afraid, but he was more afraid of not trying. If he knew his girl she had made some decisions and she was determined to follow them.
Somewhere out there that crazy woman had decided that it wasn't going to work. So she had made a list of all of his faults why he wasn't right. Somewhere out there on the days or moments where she missed him she'd rattle off this list and force herself to be angry with him. Somewhere out there she worked hard to convince herself to ignore what she really felt.
Maybe he had watched too many movies, but he had an urge to show up at her office. He'd wait outside the door and profess his undying love for her. She'd glare at him and tell him to leave. He'd walk up to her, pull her into his arms and kiss her. At first she might be resistant, but it wouldn't take long for her lips and her heart to remember.
Maybe that was what she wanted. She always said that she would never be the first to say I love you. She was progressive and traditional. Maybe she was waiting for him to pursue her with more vigor than he had been.
Back on the couch in the land of reality he finished his coffee and stared out at the window. It was a nice fantasy and it could come true, but it could also blow up. She could scream and fight. She could be totally turned off by the grand gesture. Instead of being in the frying pan he could be squirming in the flames.
Johnny let out a big sigh. He was relieved, the coffee had done its job. He was awake and feeling much better. He still missed June terribly, but he was relaxed. If it was everything that he thought it was they would find their way.
In the past he had always laughed at people who said that, but he didn't anymore. He just knew, it was just how it was. He couldn't tell you exactly how it would happen, just that in his heart he felt like it would. So for now he was focused on living his own life, separate and apart.
He didn't like it, but it was what it was. If nothing else he'd use the time to focus on himself. Worst case scenario he and June would never find each other again but the rest of his life would be in great shape. Kind of a bittersweet thought.
Standing up he yawned and stretched. It was time to shave and shower. The day was waiting and he was ready to attack it.
A Few Words About Writing
It is a bit after 1 am and I am well past my bedtime. If I hadn't used up my current supply of common sense I would have been asleep hours ago, but so it goes.
A while back I decided that I want to write a a book and a screenplay. I suppose that it is not that unusual but it is not something that I have always dreamt of. Most of my dreams about writing dealt with becoming a famous sportswriter.
Actually I am not really sure that I thought much about being famous. I was far more interested in getting paid to attend the major sporting events. There was something cool about earning a living based upon writing about baseball, football, basketball whatever.
I still think about becoming a professional sports writer. I have almost everything I need, tools, ability and desire. The big problem is that I don't have the job. Ok, that is more than a big problem, it is THE problem. But who knows what the future holds. One day you are just an ordinary blogger and the next you are the second coming of Jim Murray.
Don't laugh, it could happen. Of course I could also find myself living in cleveland or Buffalo. Probably a better chance of that happening than becoming the next Jim Murray.Of course I have to add that I am more interested in becoming the Jack B, first edition than the second or third iteration of anything.
Books and screenplays interest me because I find them to be cool. They are accomplishments that I can look back at with pride, hopefully not in an Ozymandias kind of way.
The dark haired beauty has missed most of the school week. Half her class is out right now, several with documented cases of swine flu. At the moment no one can call my princess a pig, the docs say that she has a standard cold.I hesitated in writing that because I am a bit superstitious.
Tomorrow she'll be home with me again and it looks like I might get her older brother as well. That should make life even more interesting. Two sick kids, one father who is supposed to be working. Might get a little dicey at times. Unfortunately the lottery winners haven't bothered to share their winnings with me and since I don't play I haven't any claim to untold fortunes. What that means is that old dad is going to have to work tomorrow.
So, I may have to call upon the services of Uncle DirecTV and his friend DVD player. Not an ideal situation, but I need to find some ways to occupy those two. It is part of why I am awake now, been working on things. With any luck some of the crap I have been dealing with now will translate into business.
**********************Writing************************
Been having a field day with the Fragments of Fiction posts. They are a combination of fiction and reality. If you happen to recognize yourself or others it is because I am so enamored with you that I cannot help but write about you. I want you, I need you and I will have you. And if not I'll write about it so that future generations won't know about the shame of never capturing your heart.
On a serious note when I write those posts I try hard to put myself in a certain frame of mind. I usually use old letters and music to make that happen. With any luck it works well enough for you to relate to it.
Ok, this old man has to get a little shut eye. I am going to end this now. Look for me at Blogworld, I just might be there. After all, I am anonymous, so you never know, I could be Guy Kawasaki. Holy Kaw, I just outed myself. Heck, as long as I have done that let me link to the five reasons why Alltop should be a part of your life. ;)
A while back I decided that I want to write a a book and a screenplay. I suppose that it is not that unusual but it is not something that I have always dreamt of. Most of my dreams about writing dealt with becoming a famous sportswriter.
Actually I am not really sure that I thought much about being famous. I was far more interested in getting paid to attend the major sporting events. There was something cool about earning a living based upon writing about baseball, football, basketball whatever.
I still think about becoming a professional sports writer. I have almost everything I need, tools, ability and desire. The big problem is that I don't have the job. Ok, that is more than a big problem, it is THE problem. But who knows what the future holds. One day you are just an ordinary blogger and the next you are the second coming of Jim Murray.
Don't laugh, it could happen. Of course I could also find myself living in cleveland or Buffalo. Probably a better chance of that happening than becoming the next Jim Murray.Of course I have to add that I am more interested in becoming the Jack B, first edition than the second or third iteration of anything.
Books and screenplays interest me because I find them to be cool. They are accomplishments that I can look back at with pride, hopefully not in an Ozymandias kind of way.
The dark haired beauty has missed most of the school week. Half her class is out right now, several with documented cases of swine flu. At the moment no one can call my princess a pig, the docs say that she has a standard cold.I hesitated in writing that because I am a bit superstitious.
Tomorrow she'll be home with me again and it looks like I might get her older brother as well. That should make life even more interesting. Two sick kids, one father who is supposed to be working. Might get a little dicey at times. Unfortunately the lottery winners haven't bothered to share their winnings with me and since I don't play I haven't any claim to untold fortunes. What that means is that old dad is going to have to work tomorrow.
So, I may have to call upon the services of Uncle DirecTV and his friend DVD player. Not an ideal situation, but I need to find some ways to occupy those two. It is part of why I am awake now, been working on things. With any luck some of the crap I have been dealing with now will translate into business.
**********************Writing************************
Been having a field day with the Fragments of Fiction posts. They are a combination of fiction and reality. If you happen to recognize yourself or others it is because I am so enamored with you that I cannot help but write about you. I want you, I need you and I will have you. And if not I'll write about it so that future generations won't know about the shame of never capturing your heart.
On a serious note when I write those posts I try hard to put myself in a certain frame of mind. I usually use old letters and music to make that happen. With any luck it works well enough for you to relate to it.
Ok, this old man has to get a little shut eye. I am going to end this now. Look for me at Blogworld, I just might be there. After all, I am anonymous, so you never know, I could be Guy Kawasaki. Holy Kaw, I just outed myself. Heck, as long as I have done that let me link to the five reasons why Alltop should be a part of your life. ;)
If I should love again
Oh my love
You were the only one
Now you're gone and I'm alone
All my friends
They say what's done is done
I pretend
But deep inside I know
If I should love again
If I find someone new
It would be make-believe
For in my heart
It would be you
And though I hold her close
And want her now and then
I'll still be loving you
If I should love again
All day long
I keep remembering
All the night
I think of you
All my life
You'll be the song I sing
I'll get by
But this I swear is true
If I should love again
If I find someone new
It would be make-believe
For in my heart
It would be you
And though I hold her close
And want her now and then
I'll still be loving you
If I should love again
You were the only one
Now you're gone and I'm alone
All my friends
They say what's done is done
I pretend
But deep inside I know
If I should love again
If I find someone new
It would be make-believe
For in my heart
It would be you
And though I hold her close
And want her now and then
I'll still be loving you
If I should love again
All day long
I keep remembering
All the night
I think of you
All my life
You'll be the song I sing
I'll get by
But this I swear is true
If I should love again
If I find someone new
It would be make-believe
For in my heart
It would be you
And though I hold her close
And want her now and then
I'll still be loving you
If I should love again
If I Should Love Again - Barry Manilow
A 21st Century Break Up
This is the third part of a series for Fragments of Fiction:
Part one: Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
Part Two: The End of a Marriage
But there is a difference this time around. The refrigerator is full and there is more than $25 dollars sitting in my bank account. Not to mention that the furniture isn't a bunch of hand me downs from friends and relatives.
The best part is that it is mine and mine alone. I am happy being by myself. I don't worry about who left dishes in the sink or if there are socks on the floor because if there are, I know who is responsible for it.
I had intended to make myself a sandwich, grab a beer and watch football. Later on I was going to take a nap and maybe start reading that book about the history of Scotland. It was a good plan, but the girls had other ideas.
When the telephone rang I didn't bother to check the caller ID because I already knew who it was going to be. She called every weekend to check on me and every weekend I gave her the same response. Told her that I was fine, but if it would make her feel better I would let her iron my clothes and perform other services as needed.
It was the sort of obnoxious remark that I used as a shield and on most people it would work, but not her. After 30 some years of friendship she ignored it. Didn't faze her, in fact I am not even sure it even registered.
But I was wrong about the caller. This time around it was my daughter. As soon as I heard her say "Hi daddy" I knew I was screwed. I am a lot of things, but I am not stupid. It didn't take a genius to recognize that tone of voice. It was the same one she had used her entire life with me, that one that girls use to melt dads heart.
I placed my hand over the telephone and cursed. "Damn!" But there was no point in arguing with her. She is my girl and she is just as determined as I am. Better to just roll along and see if there was an easier way to get out from under their scheme.
Earlier that week she had shared her thoughts with me. She had told me that she was very concerned about me, that she didn't think I gave myself enough credit or that I did a good job of taking care of myself. I had thanked her for her concern and reiterated that I was quite capable of taking care of me. Been doing it all my life, now wasn't much different.
She smiled and wrapped her hand around my bicep and asked me to make a muscle. Damn, damn, damn. I keep forgetting this kid has made a life time project of studying dad. But I didn't crack. I made a muscle and asked her if she wanted a piggy back ride. She laughed and told me that she was too big for one. I told her that she never would be too big and changed the subject.
Not that it mattered. She just went with it and here we were a few days later, the three of them and me. As we sat at the table I made a crack about feeling just like Hugh Hefner. It was met with a stony glare and sighs all around. Because I am both stubborn and prone to stupidity I told them that they were wasting their time and that we should find a different project. Maybe we could go out and save the environment.
Instead I was treated to a story about how things work in the 21st century. They told me that the Internet had killed the idea of a clean breakup and that now it was really easy to find people and or check up on them. I smiled at the three and reminded them that I probably knew more about computers and the net than they did.
That earned me more stares and sighs. And then I learned that all of them had googled the name of an old boyfriend once or twice. They assured me that it was just curiosity that made them do it. I looked at my daughter and said that curiosity was how I became a father. She glared at me and asked her companions why they put up with me. She had to because of genetics, but they had a choice.
Before anyone could answer I went into a five minute lecture/rant about minding your own business. They were silent. And just when I thought that I had convinced them they let me know that they had already done their own checking up.
She was free. She was single and so was I.
That took the wind right out of my sails. I was mildly surprised by the impact. She was single. I stuttered something in response and muttered something about having been kicked in the mouth one time too many.
And then I was silent.
For a moment I was lost in thought. I remembered the fire and the passion. I remembered how she made me feel like there was no one more important or more special. And then I remembered the pain of losing her.
It was like having an arm or a leg cut off. It took a while for those scars to heal, longer than I wanted to admit. And the truth was that I wasn't even certain if they ever had. I did my best to hide the shock and thanked them all for their concern.
A short time later we got up and left. Out in the parking lot we hugged and kissed each other goodbye and I drove home lost in thought.
Later that night the telephone rang and again I didn't bother checking the Caller ID. It had to be my daughter and again I was proven wrong. For the next five minutes I listened to her tell me why I should think really hard about things.
"She loved you as much as you loved her," she said. I told her that I wasn't so sure and that it had seemed far too easy for her to walk away. She snorted into the phone and assured me that I wasn't the only one with a broken heart. She was just more practical about things than you were or so she claimed.
I thanked her again for her concern and told her that I would think about. A short time later I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what would happen if I tried to contact her. Would she take the call or respond to the email. I was afraid that she would and afraid that she wouldn't.
Just before I drifted off to sleep I remembered what it felt like to kiss her and how I couldn't figure out where I ended and she began. And that was when I realized that I hadn't ever stopped loving her. It was a bittersweet revelation.
Not the sort of epiphany that I had gone searching for, but that is the joy of life. You never know what is going to happen. So now there are butterflies in my stomach and my heart is pounding. I haven't made the decision yet what to do, but I am going to have to do it soon.
I suppose the question is will a 21st century break up lead to a 21st century romance. I don't know the answer but I rather expect that I will soon.
In the interim I think that I am going to unplug my phone and turn off my cellphone. I have had about as much excitement as I can handle for now.
Part one: Who Broke Your Heart- Things You Might Not Know
Part Two: The End of a Marriage
"Well now, everything dies, baby, thats a factWent to lunch with the girl friends and the daughter. It wasn't my choice. I was far more interested in hiding out in my apartment. It might not be much to look at, but it is mine. Simple furniture, my books, music and a decent television. Reminds me a bit of how I described my first place after college to my parents.
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back
Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty
And meet me tonight in Atlantic City."
Atlantic City- Bruce Springsteen
But there is a difference this time around. The refrigerator is full and there is more than $25 dollars sitting in my bank account. Not to mention that the furniture isn't a bunch of hand me downs from friends and relatives.
The best part is that it is mine and mine alone. I am happy being by myself. I don't worry about who left dishes in the sink or if there are socks on the floor because if there are, I know who is responsible for it.
I had intended to make myself a sandwich, grab a beer and watch football. Later on I was going to take a nap and maybe start reading that book about the history of Scotland. It was a good plan, but the girls had other ideas.
When the telephone rang I didn't bother to check the caller ID because I already knew who it was going to be. She called every weekend to check on me and every weekend I gave her the same response. Told her that I was fine, but if it would make her feel better I would let her iron my clothes and perform other services as needed.
It was the sort of obnoxious remark that I used as a shield and on most people it would work, but not her. After 30 some years of friendship she ignored it. Didn't faze her, in fact I am not even sure it even registered.
But I was wrong about the caller. This time around it was my daughter. As soon as I heard her say "Hi daddy" I knew I was screwed. I am a lot of things, but I am not stupid. It didn't take a genius to recognize that tone of voice. It was the same one she had used her entire life with me, that one that girls use to melt dads heart.
I placed my hand over the telephone and cursed. "Damn!" But there was no point in arguing with her. She is my girl and she is just as determined as I am. Better to just roll along and see if there was an easier way to get out from under their scheme.
Earlier that week she had shared her thoughts with me. She had told me that she was very concerned about me, that she didn't think I gave myself enough credit or that I did a good job of taking care of myself. I had thanked her for her concern and reiterated that I was quite capable of taking care of me. Been doing it all my life, now wasn't much different.
She smiled and wrapped her hand around my bicep and asked me to make a muscle. Damn, damn, damn. I keep forgetting this kid has made a life time project of studying dad. But I didn't crack. I made a muscle and asked her if she wanted a piggy back ride. She laughed and told me that she was too big for one. I told her that she never would be too big and changed the subject.
Not that it mattered. She just went with it and here we were a few days later, the three of them and me. As we sat at the table I made a crack about feeling just like Hugh Hefner. It was met with a stony glare and sighs all around. Because I am both stubborn and prone to stupidity I told them that they were wasting their time and that we should find a different project. Maybe we could go out and save the environment.
Instead I was treated to a story about how things work in the 21st century. They told me that the Internet had killed the idea of a clean breakup and that now it was really easy to find people and or check up on them. I smiled at the three and reminded them that I probably knew more about computers and the net than they did.
That earned me more stares and sighs. And then I learned that all of them had googled the name of an old boyfriend once or twice. They assured me that it was just curiosity that made them do it. I looked at my daughter and said that curiosity was how I became a father. She glared at me and asked her companions why they put up with me. She had to because of genetics, but they had a choice.
Before anyone could answer I went into a five minute lecture/rant about minding your own business. They were silent. And just when I thought that I had convinced them they let me know that they had already done their own checking up.
She was free. She was single and so was I.
That took the wind right out of my sails. I was mildly surprised by the impact. She was single. I stuttered something in response and muttered something about having been kicked in the mouth one time too many.
And then I was silent.
For a moment I was lost in thought. I remembered the fire and the passion. I remembered how she made me feel like there was no one more important or more special. And then I remembered the pain of losing her.
It was like having an arm or a leg cut off. It took a while for those scars to heal, longer than I wanted to admit. And the truth was that I wasn't even certain if they ever had. I did my best to hide the shock and thanked them all for their concern.
A short time later we got up and left. Out in the parking lot we hugged and kissed each other goodbye and I drove home lost in thought.
Later that night the telephone rang and again I didn't bother checking the Caller ID. It had to be my daughter and again I was proven wrong. For the next five minutes I listened to her tell me why I should think really hard about things.
"She loved you as much as you loved her," she said. I told her that I wasn't so sure and that it had seemed far too easy for her to walk away. She snorted into the phone and assured me that I wasn't the only one with a broken heart. She was just more practical about things than you were or so she claimed.
I thanked her again for her concern and told her that I would think about. A short time later I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what would happen if I tried to contact her. Would she take the call or respond to the email. I was afraid that she would and afraid that she wouldn't.
Just before I drifted off to sleep I remembered what it felt like to kiss her and how I couldn't figure out where I ended and she began. And that was when I realized that I hadn't ever stopped loving her. It was a bittersweet revelation.
Not the sort of epiphany that I had gone searching for, but that is the joy of life. You never know what is going to happen. So now there are butterflies in my stomach and my heart is pounding. I haven't made the decision yet what to do, but I am going to have to do it soon.
I suppose the question is will a 21st century break up lead to a 21st century romance. I don't know the answer but I rather expect that I will soon.
In the interim I think that I am going to unplug my phone and turn off my cellphone. I have had about as much excitement as I can handle for now.
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