October 16, 2009

Johnny Wonders

It was the morning after a long night and Johnny was less than pleased to be awake. He sat on the couch nursing a cup of coffee and wondering if its magical properties would help today. More often than not it did an adequate job of giving him the kickstart he looked for.

This morning was going to be a crapshoot. He was in a truly foul mood. Angry about anything and everything he didn't want to look in the mirror for fear of starting a fight with his reflection. For a moment he pictured the scene and the ridiculous nature of it.

"What are you looking at," he'd snarl only to see that guy say it right back at him. If life were a movie the man in the mirror would start talking to him and offer some sort of sage advice. Although with the way he was feeling it wouldn't matter. He was especially uninterested in being given any sort of advice like the "just take it one day at a time" or "it could be worse."

That last expression was something that pissed him off on good days. WTF, did anyone really believe that people didn't understand that it could always be worse. Sure, he could be dying from some terrible flesh eating disease. He could be homeless or trapped under a heavy object staring at his crushed legs and watching the blood pool around them.

There were a million different scenarios that could play out. Great, he accepted that he could feel worse. It made little to no difference to him if children were starving in Africa. He donated clothes and sent money, but none of that fixed his problem.

And that problem was simple. It stood 5'7 had jet black hair and dark eyes. Ok, scratch that, he wasn't going to refer to her as 'it.' He didn't really mean anything by that but she wasn't going to see it that way.

Simply put Johnny was crazed and crazy about June and she had cut off contact. It made him angry and frustrated him to no end.

Johnny wasn't a low maintenance kind of guy, he he knew that about himself. He could be moody and intense. He liked being difficult and was hard ass around many people, except June. Somehow she  had gotten beyond the defenses he had erected. All those promises he had made not to let anyone back in were shattered by her.

It had taken a long time for him to accept and admit it. He fought an inner battle against it for fear of what could happen. He fought because he feared being vulnerable and then losing her. She promised him repeatedly that she would never really leave and over time he gave in.

But life is never that simple.Things happened, little things, but things. Things that battered and bruised them, nicks and scrapes and more. Over time it wore them down a bit and they found themselves in two different places, not quite sure what direction to head in.

It wasn't the kind of thing that could be blamed upon one or the other. It was a relationship so they were both responsible for what happened. The beauty of hindsight made it easy to see how they could have avoided some of the problems and ways that they could have worked together to overcome it.

But things are what they are and wishing for what could have been doesn't always help. He knew without asking that he and June agreed upon that. He smiled wistfully and let his mind drift. It hadn't been that long since June had expressed her own fears about losing him. She had told him in directly and in so many other ways that her love for him was as deep as his for her.

They used to have silly fights about who loved each other more. Those were interspersed with all sorts of other silly fights about nothing. Most of the time those disagreements were little spats borne of frustration from not being able to move ahead with things as fast as they would have liked.

Johnny was convinced that if they ever got to the place they were heading to those types of arguments would disappear. And if he had wings he could fly. Great, just one more thing to fantasize about. Of course if he could fly he'd force June to see him. He was fairly confident that she'd admire his wings and coo about them. Maybe she'd brush his mane and feed him an apple.

Johnny cursed again. WTF was up with thinking about transforming himself into Pegasus. Sure it was better than turning into a giant cockroach like Gregor Mendel, but still.

For the third time in a few minutes he smiled again. He was thinking about brushing June's hair. He knew a dozen different ways to calm her down and help ease her mind. Even when she was truly angry with him he was always good at getting her to relax, as she was with him.

He was fairly certain that one of the reasons she had cut off contact was because it was too hard to listen to him. She wasn't certain that they could get beyond a couple of their hurdles and he disagreed. His heart and his gut told him that if he was given a little time he could get her back, get her to think about things and take a chance.

They had switched places. She was now the one who was afraid and he wasn't. Well, that wasn't completely true, he was afraid, but he was more afraid of not trying. If he knew his girl she had made some decisions and she was determined to follow them.

Somewhere out there that crazy woman had decided that it wasn't going to work. So she had made a list of all of his faults why he wasn't right. Somewhere out there on the days or moments where she missed him she'd rattle off this list and force herself to be angry with him. Somewhere out there she worked hard to convince herself to ignore what she really felt.

Maybe he had watched too many movies, but he had an urge to show up at her office. He'd wait outside the door and profess his undying love for her. She'd glare at him and tell him to leave. He'd walk up to her, pull her into his arms and kiss her. At first she might be resistant, but it wouldn't take long for her lips and her heart to remember.

Maybe that was what she wanted. She always said that she would never be the first to say I love you. She was progressive and traditional. Maybe she was waiting for him to pursue her with more vigor than he had been.

Back on the couch in the land of reality he finished his coffee and stared out at the window. It was a nice fantasy and it could come true, but it could also blow up. She could scream and fight. She could be totally turned off by the grand gesture. Instead of being in the frying pan he could be squirming in the flames.

Johnny let out a big sigh. He was relieved, the coffee had done its job. He was awake and feeling much better. He still missed June terribly, but he was relaxed. If it was everything that he thought it was they would find their way.

In the past he had always laughed at people who said that, but he didn't anymore. He just knew, it was just how it was. He couldn't tell you exactly how it would happen, just that in his heart he felt like it would. So for now he was focused on living his own life, separate and apart.

He didn't like it, but it was what it was. If nothing else he'd use the time to focus on himself. Worst case scenario he and June would never find each other again but the rest of his life would be in great shape. Kind of a bittersweet thought.

Standing up he yawned and stretched. It was time to shave and shower. The day was waiting and he was ready to attack it.

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