The World's Strongest Penis

My children provide a never ending source of blog fodder. The questions they ask, the stories they tell and the things that they do provide a steady pipeline of material. The hard part is that some of these stories seem to repeat themselves over and over, with just a slight variation on how they are told/come about.

This next story comes courtesy of the lad that the good people call "Little Jack."

He recently told me that he is the smartest boy in the house. When I asked why he explained that I don't go to school and that I have an "old brain." Anyway, the conversation meandered about and eventually led to our standard question and answer time. The "Q&A" session is something that we do on a regular basis. It gives him a chance to ask me to answer the burning questions on his mind and it provides me with a chance to try and pick his brain about his day.

The conversation about The World's Strongest Penis began as a discussion about how to use public urinals. That is a conversation that we have had a number of times. In a different post I'll have to rant and rave about how some women tried to teach him and the other boys to pee. It may sound ridiculous, but there is a reason for my irritation.

For now let's talk about how some of the boys at camp have helped educate him about all sorts of stuff, including new and exciting vocabulary words.

Son: Dad, Jake says that his mom told him that the penis is a man's strongest muscle.
Me: His mom and dad don't live together, do they.

Son: No, how'd did you know that?
Me: Just a hunch. What else did Jake say?

Son: He said that his dad had the most powerful penis in the world. I said that he was wrong and that you do.
Me: (Mental note to self: Add note to resume, "most powerful penis in the world.) Oh you did. I appreciate that, but you don't need to tell people that. It is a private thing.

Son: Ok, I'll tell him that you don't want to talk about your penis.
Me: That's ok. You don't need to tell him. In fact it is probably better that you don't discuss it.

Son: Why, are you embarrassed about your penis?
Me: No, I am perfectly happy with it. It works just the way it is supposed to. Remember when we talked about a broken penis. Everything is fine, it is just not something that we discuss with others.

Son: What about the doctor? Can we talk to the doctor about our penis?
Me: Yes, the doctor is fine.

Son: How about a policeman? Can we talk to the policeman?
Me: Only if you need to file a missing penis report. (Sometimes I just can't help myself.)

Son: Can people steal your penis? (you can't imagine the look of horror on his face.)
Me: No, I just exaggerating. No one can steal your penis. It is attached just like your arm or leg.

Son: But if you have an accident you can cut off your arm or your leg. What if you had an accident and you cut off your penis.
Me: Might be kind of hard to pee. I don't think that you have to worry about that one.

Son: You can't cut off Superman's penis unless you have Kryptonite.
Me: I have never thought about it, but I suppose you're right.

Son: And Iron Man is safe. You can't cut off an iron penis.
Me: Actually Iron Man is a guy who wear a special suit. Outside of his armor he is vulnerable.

Son: He better not take off his suit, someone might cut his penis off.
Me: He is a comic book hero, that kind of stuff never happens to them. Do you have any more questions?

Son: How strong is your penis?
Me: I don't know. It is not like your arms or legs. It doesn't have to be strong to do its job.

Son: Why did Jake's mom say that it is a strong muscle?
Me: I don't know.

Son: That doesn't make sense.
Me: You're going to find that life is full of things that don't make sense. Has Jake's mom said anything else?

You'll have to stay tuned for the rest of the conversation. In the meantime if you're interested in posts that are somewhat related you're welcome to read the stuff below.

Penis Talk Revisited
My Penis Died
More Questions about Body Parts
Great Moments In Parenting- Parts of our Body That Grow

One more Reason Not To Take Bus

(CNN) -- As horrified travelers watched, a Greyhound Canada bus passenger repeatedly stabbed and then decapitated a young man who was sitting and sleeping beside him, a witness said Thursday....


...Caton said the victim was sleeping with his head leaning against the window when the attack happened. Caton said he shouted at the other passengers, many of whom also were sleeping, to leave. "Everybody got off the bus. Me and a trucker that stopped and the Greyhound driver ran up to the door to maybe see if the guy was still alive or we could help or something like that," Caton said.

"And when we all got up, we saw that the guy was cutting off the guy's head. ... When he saw us, he came back to the front of the bus, told the driver to shut the door. He pressed the button and the door shut, but it didn't shut in time, and the guy was able to get his knife out and take a swipe at us," Caton said.

The world is getting crazier by the day.

Blogavoidance

Do you ever engage in blogging to avoid work? Do you find yourself racking your brain or scouring the web for that one perfect topic to blog about? Do you find yourself cursing out loud because you discoved that the topic you wish to discuss has already been covered by 6,354 other bloggers, and at least six of them did a better job than you.

If you answered yes to these questions you are clearly engaged in blogavoidance, also known as suffering from blogavoiditis. There is no cure, no hope and like this post, no point.

But I do have an answer for you. For little to no money down I will serve as a guest blogger for you. I will write a piece that you can place on your little slab of the net. I do not promise or guarantee that it will be educational, informational, witty or interesting, just that you will receive it.

Remember that all donations go to rebuilding Jack's Shack and are not tax deductible. They will make you feel, just what it is that you will feel I cannot say. It could be a thigh or it could be a wing. You might even feel swindled, foolish and or silly.

If nothing else you can rest assured that I am not going to use the money on anyone but myself. I am my own favorite charity. So go ahead and consider how you can make Jack have a better day. I'll be thinking of you. :D

A Few Places I Want to Visit

Here are a couple of places that I think that I'd like to see:

Worlds First Sandcastle Hotel

The next place sounds even cooler.

"A bar inside the trunk of a Baobab tree has tourists flocking from far and wide just to drink a cold brew in the amazing tavern. It was fashioned inside a massive 72 foot (22 meters) high tree in a garden in Limpopo, South Africa, for thirsty locals.

Grown in the grounds of Sunland Farm, the tree trunk is so wide it takes 40 adults with outstretched arms to encircle its 155 foot (48 meters) circumference. The trunk is hollow, but its walls are still up to 6.5 feet (2 meters) thick.

The tree has its own cellar, with natural ventilation to keep the beer cold.

Carbon-dating has determined the ancient tree to be about 6,000 years old. “This tree is likely to be older than the Giza Pyramids of Egypt.” said Heather van Heerden, owner of Sunland Farm."

For more information please use the following link: Worlds Only Bar INSIDE a Tree

Painful News Or News About Pain

Live Science is one of my regular reads. They usually have several articles that I find to be of interest. Here is an excerpt from an article about pain.

3. Migraines and sex go together

It may not eliminate the phrase "Not tonight, honey ..." but a 2006 study found that migraine sufferers had levels of sexual desire 20 percent higher than those suffering from tension headaches. The finding suggests sexual desire and migraines might be influenced by the same brain chemical, and getting a better handle on the link could lead to better treatments, at least for the pain portion of the equation.

4. Women feel more pain

Any man who has watched a woman having a baby without using drugs would swear that women can tolerate anything. But the truth is, guys, it hurts more than you can imagine. Women have more nerve receptors than men. As an example, women have 34 nerve fibers per square centimeter of facial skin, while men average just 17. And in a 2005 study, women were found to report more pain throughout their lifetimes and, compared to men, they feel pain in more areas of their body and for longer durations.

5. Some animals don't feel our pain

Animal research could offer clues to eventually relieve human suffering. Take the naked mole rat, a hairless and nearly blind subterranean creature. A study this year found it feels neither the pain of acid nor the sting of chili peppers. If researchers can figure out why, they might be on the road to new sorts of painkilling therapies for humans. In 2006, scientists found a pathway for the transmission of chronic pain in rats that they hope will translate into better understanding of human chronic pain. Lobsters feel no pain, even when boiled, scientists said in a 2005 report that is just one more salvo in a long-running debate.

I Am Right, I Am Right, I Am Right

Do I always sound like Yosemite Sam. That is a little weird.

The Great Interview Experiment

I decided to participated in the Citizen of The Month interview experiment. I had the privilege of interviewing a new blogger, Marinka from Motherhood in NY.

1) Why did you start blogging and what do you hope to do with it?

I started blogging because I realized that I would never have the time, energy and patience to write a book. Oh, and the talent. I don't have specific goals in mind, I'm just enjoying the process right now.

2) What is the most rewarding part of blogging? What is the most disappointing part of blogging. Are there any topics that are off limits?

It's rewarding and amazing that anyone actually gives a shit about what I have to say, and when they respond, I do a little dance. A very little dance, because I am incredibly lazy and uncoordinated.

The most disappointing part has been that my husband has yet to say, "Hey, why don't you quit your job and devote yourself to blogging full time?"

As for off-limits, my husband hates it when I blog about him, so I suppose he's off limits. Good thing that I have another husband who doesn't mind when I blog about him.

3) What don't people know about you that you wish they did?

That I often confuse the words "yesterday" and "tomorrow" in English, Spanish and Russian.

4) Do you ever regret having moved to the U.S.?

Not for one second.

5) How did you learn how to speak English? Do you have an accent?

I've been thinking about writing a post about that soon. Oh my god, you can't read my mind, can you?

We lived in Italy for 5 months and I attended school that was supposed to teach us English. The teachers didn't speak Russian, so it was a total waste of time and none of us knew what the hell was going on.

When I arrived in NY, I went to an Yeshiva, and I literally just "picked up" English. Hebrew, not so much.

Most people say that I don't have an accent, but my husband thinks that I have an untraceable accent.

6) When you're not blogging, working, or playing mom/wife what do you do for fun? What would your perfect day be like?

I read a lot and I watch tons of TV. I think my perfect day would consist of being left the hell alone. With a beer.

7) If you had three wishes what would they be?

I'm assuming health, wealth, world peace, kids' happiness are all taken care of, right? So I don't have to waste my time on that.

8) Can I tell you about my last three dreams. ;)

Your timing could not be better! I just ran out of Ambien!

9) People seem to love or hate N.Y.C. What category do you fall into? Is it a place to live for a short time or the city you want to live in forever?

I love New York and I can't imagine living anywhere else. I have many friends who've lived in NYC for shorter periods of time and it makes me sad when they move, but the good thing about NYC is that almost everyone comes back to visit eventually.

I hope that I can live here forever, but it's expensive and sometimes very draining. So please send cash. Thanks!

10) Name your three favorite blogs?

It's hard to narrow it down to three. But the three that I love this week is Anymommy, The Bloggess and Wendi Aarons.

11) If you were stuck on a desert island and could only take five books and five albums what would they be?

Moby Dick, The Fountainhead, James Joyce's Ulysses, War & Peace and that book that it's all the Starbucks stores that's narrated by a dog. Because the only way that I'd ever read those is if I were on a desert island.

12) Disneyland or Disneyworld?

I've been to the one in Florida, before I had kids. Yes, my kids are completely Disney-deprived.

13) Coke or Pepsi?

Both and neither. I don't drink soda regularly. And I'm not sure that I could pass a blind taste test.

14) Thick or Thin crust?

Both! Slight preference for thick!

15) What do you hope to accomplish with this interview? Do you have any concerns about my post giving the wrong impression of you?

My goal is to accomplish something that I do best--blather on about myself. And until you mentioned it, I had no concerns about your giving the wrong impression of me. Of course now that's all that I can think about.

And Los Angeles Was Not Consumed- The Earthquake

I have been meaning to write a short post about the small earthquake we experienced today. But every time I try it seems that I am interrupted by someone who thinks that it is fun to say "what's shaking."

You know, that used to be funny. It used to be kind of cool, in the same way that Mr. Microphone used to be cool.

Anyway, if you didn't hear about the quake here is a short report from CNN. Let me share a few highlights from the report that warm the cockles of my heart. (Emphasis in bold is mine)

"This is a sample, a small sample," said Kate Hutton, a seismologist at the California Institute of Technology.

"This is somewhere between small and moderate." She said there is a 5 percent chance the quake could be a precursor to a larger earthquake. After 24 hours, she said, that chance will drop to 1 percent.

Isn't that nifty, to know that this might be a warmup for the big show. Ok, here is some more about the earthquake that might interest you.

A 5.4 magnitude quake is considered by the USGS to be "moderate," which can cause slight damage to buildings and others structures. So far this year, 39 "moderate" earthquakes of between magnitude 5.0 and 5.9 have occurred in the United States, and 790 globally.

The last moderate quake to strike California was a magnitude 5.4 in April in the northern part of the state. A magnitude 4.4 struck the greater Los Angeles area in August 2007.

There is a 99 percent chance of California experiencing a quake of magnitude 6.7 or larger within the next 30 years, according to the Uniform California Earthquake Rupture Forecast, sponsored by the U.S. Geological Survey, the California Geological Survey and the Southern California Earthquake Center and published in Science Daily in April.

"This earthquake reminds us to be prepared," said California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. "We were very fortunate that there were no serious injuries or property damage."

He said he believes the state is "as prepared as anyone can be. We have continuous discussions about that. We are fanatics about emergencies and to be ready."

The largest earthquake in recent years in California was a magnitude 7.1 in 1999, Hutton said. But it was centered in the desert, near Twentynine Palms, in a sparsely populated area.

Tuesday's quake struck about 11:42 a.m., according to the USGS. Its epicenter was about 2 miles southwest of Chino Hills and about 5 miles southeast of Diamond Bar.

The epicenter was about 7.6 miles deep, making it a fairly shallow quake, according to CNN meteorologist Chad Meyers. In general, earthquakes centered closer to the surface produce stronger shaking and can cause more damage than those further underground. But most Southern California earthquakes tend to be fairly shallow, officials said.

Those of us who lived through the Northridge quake can tell you that it was far bigger than today's temblor. If you want to learn more about that try reading USGS Response to an Urban Earthquake -- Northridge ‘94. Or you can read this summary:

"At 4:30 on the morning of January 17, 1994, some 10 million people in the Los Angeles region of southern California were awakened by the shaking of an earthquake.
The earthquake, named for its epicenter in the town of Northridge, was a magnitude 6.7 (M = 6.7) shock that proved to be the most costly earthquake in United States history.
The shaking heavily damaged communities throughout the San Fernando Valley and Simi Valley, and their surrounding mountains north and west of Los Angeles, causing estimated losses of 20 billion dollars. Fifty-seven people died, more than 9,000 were injured, and more than 20,000 were displaced from their homes by the effects of the quake.
Although moderate in size, the earthquake had immense impact on people and structures because it was centered directly beneath a heavily populated and built-up urban region.
Thousands of buildings were significantly damaged, and more than 1,600 were later “red-tagged” as unsafe to enter. Another 7,300 buildings were restricted to limited entry (“yellow-tagged”), and many thousands of other structures incurred at least minor damage.
The 10-20 seconds of strong shaking collapsed buildings, brought down freeway interchanges, and ruptured gas lines that exploded into fires. Fortuitously, the early morning timing of the earthquake spared many lives that otherwise might have been lost in collapsed parking buildings and on failed freeway structures

Related posts:

Fourteen Years Ago The Earth Shook
Adult Pajamas
Just Another Earthquake
It Was Disconcerting- Whoa!

We Still Carry The Pain of Our Past Part II

Following the completion of the last post I had intended to go to sleep, but I had a thought that I had felt like sharing. One of the things that I like about blogging is that to a certain extent it levels the playing field of life.

Out here in cyberspace you are not judged upon your looks, who you know, where you went to school or any of the million little things people use to assess and categorize each other. That is not to say that we are freed from being evaluated, not at all.

But there is something nice about participating in something in which you know that some of the more superficial things are removed. The blog you are reading might be written by the stud, the loser, the Prom King, the nerd or that quiet neighbor no one knows.

Our here in cyberspace you get the chance to interact with everyone. Out here in cyberspace the pain of our past doesn't have to haunt you as it does in the so called real world. No one knows if you stutter or smell.

All we know is what we read and the image that we compose of the author and I kind of like it. What do you think?

We Still Carry The Pain of Our Past

Another day has come and gone. The sun has risen, the sun has set. The end of the second day. As is my custom I went to my second shul and davened on the court of Spaulding, Nike and Reebok. There I bore witness to the pain and shame of the past for myself and for others.

If you're new to the blog let me help you catch up. I play pick up basketball three or four days a week. I use that and this blog as my therapy. It is where I blow off steam and try to forget about the challenges of the day.

Most of the time I prefer to play three-on-three or four-on-four, but every now and then I'll run a couple of games of full court. Unless you play in the league the teams aren't prepared in advance. We just split 'em up and have at it, well that's the theory.

The thing is that no one wants to lose so people try to do what they can to stack the teams. And as you might imagine there are players that people really don't want on their team because they just aren't good enough.

So what happens is that you sometimes get to witness the harsh reality of the elementary school playground all over again. Guys can be isolated and outcast. To be clear I have also seen some great moments in which people intentionally grabbed the less talented players and took them under their wings.
My friends, that is a mosaic of the black eye I received from one of the guys I play ball with. He was on my own team. Quite a teammate, isn't he.

On a serious note he is one of those guys who moves around on the fringe. He has some severe emotional issues, isn't particularly coordinated and has been hospitalized on a number of occasions. I know about his medical situation because he has boundary issues and shares things that he probably shouldn't offer so readily.

Most of the guys prefer not to play with him, because it is just too easy to get hurt. I have to be honest and include myself in that group. If I can avoid it I do, but sometimes I feel badly about it. Not just because of him, but a few other guys as well.

As we divide ourselves up you can see the anxious look in their eyes. They're nice guys, but they are just terrible players. Maybe I am projecting too much, but I suspect that they have had a lifetime of being picked last or not picked at all.

It makes me feel awkward. We're not children. We pay to belong and most guys just want to have a good game to take their mind's off life's challenges. It is not really our responsibility to try and make everyone feel good. There are times when I want to pick them, where I'd like to help make them smile by helping them.

Sometimes I have spoken up and done something and sometimes I have just stayed silent. Like I said, we're grown ups now. There have been times at the gym where I didn't get picked because the guys didn't think that I was good enough to play with them either.

But after more than 20 years of playing there it doesn't happen often. I usually play with the same group of guys so I am often guaranteed a space. To be clear, these guys on the fringes can always get into a game. It is not that they are completely frozen out of playing, but that can be a small consolation.

I suppose that what I am really saying is that the court isn't so different from the real world. Sometimes it is a place where the layers are pulled back and you see that we still carry the pain of our past.

SezWho- Trying Out a New Service

I decided to test a service called SezWho. Here is a short blurb about them:

"SezWho is a universal profile service for the social web that improves community engagement and enables content discovery to be added to blogs, forums, message boards and other social sites. SezWho works with most social media platforms without taking over the content on the site."

We'll give it a day or two and see what happens. Feel free to leave your own feedback as to whether you think it is a useful tool or not.

Plumbing Problems

One of the best parts of the weekend is the opportunity to take care of household chores. There is nothing that I like to do better than to clean up the garage, remove clutter and do the 1,987,862 other things on the list.

This weekend I received the gift of a backed up shower/tub. It is one of those things that I get to deal with once or twice a year. Dependent upon which shower backs up I can identify the source of the problem as being either tree roots or an accumulation of hair courtesy of the long haired ladies who reside here.

My initial solution to this sort of thing is try and clear the drain myself. I have a snake that I sometimes use or every now and then I may try a chemical solution. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

This time around I decided that I wanted to try a different approach. So I went out and purchased a hydraulic drain flusher that is similar to that shown in the picture here. It is a simple concept. Attach it to a water source and use hydraulic power to force the clog to clear.

Sounds good. Looks like it should work. Only in my case it didn't. We went from experiencing a slow draining shower/tub to a very.......very.....very.....slow draining shower/tub. It always warms the cockles of my heart to see that the solution has backfired and is going to cost more time and money.

So now I am waiting for my rooter guy and his massive snake to come clean it all out. Of course I looked into renting a snake and found out that it was ten dollars cheaper than having the rooter guy come here.

BTW, did I mention that he said that he'd be here two hours ago. It is ever so gratifying to see that my time is so valuable to him.

Mr. Rogers Lives On

Want to know why Mr. Rogers was such an intriguing and endearing fellow? Click here.

Cuil Takes On Google

If you spend any time reading the news you have probably come across Cuil. It is among the many contenders that have been trying to oust Google from their throne as king of search engines. They do have some things going for them that others don't.

Let's take a quick look at what the media reports. Here is a blurb from CNN/Money:

"SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Anna Patterson's last Internet search engine was so impressive that industry leader Google Inc. bought the technology in 2004 to upgrade its own system.

She believes her latest invention is even more valuable - only this time it's not for sale.

Patterson instead intends to upstage Google, which she quit in 2006 to develop a more comprehensive and efficient way to scour the Internet.

The end result is Cuil, pronounced "cool." Backed by $33 million in venture capital, the search engine plans to begin processing requests for the first time Monday.

Cuil had kept a low profile while Patterson, her husband, Tom Costello, and two other former Google engineers - Russell Power and Louis Monier - searched for better ways to search.

Now, it's boasting time.

Web index: For starters, Cuil's search index spans 120 billion Web pages.

Patterson believes that's at least three times the size of Google's index, although there is no way to know for certain. Google stopped publicly quantifying its index's breadth nearly three years ago when the catalog spanned 8.2 billion Web pages."

I suppose that you could say having Google purchase your technology gives you a certain cachet. But then again you could say that the purchase is also a way to stifle competition. For now I'll take the former approach and say that Patterson knows what she is doing.

Rafe Needleman offers a review of Cuil here.

"What this means, in the real world, is that Cuil results are automatically categorized. When you search for a common name, for example, Cuil will give you a result page where results for different individuals with that name are groups under tabs. It will also break out sub-topics related to each name. In Cuil's canned demo, if you search for "Harry," there are different tabs for "Harry Potter" and "Prince Harry of Wales." On the Harry Potter tab, you'll get further sub-links devoted to actors, Gryffindor dorm-mates, etc. "We have a strong ontological commitment," Costello told me, meaning that parsing search results into readable chunks is a very big part of the Cuil value proposition.

The service also displays images from Web results whenever possible. It all adds up to search results pages that are much more attractive, and useful, than Google's.

Another potential advantage of the context-based search is that it allows Cuil searches to be more respectful of user privacy. Unlike Google, which simply has to track every single click to refine its index, Cuil's context-based search does not. In practice, the distinction may be moot because Cuil will need to track clicks to see if their results are actually working for people, but it could serve as a marketable distinction.

Context-based indexing also presents a juicier target for search spammers, but as Costello says, "that's a success problem."

It's one thing to have a nice interface and show users good results, but the size of the Web index that the engine has access to matters a lot as well. And this is where Cuil makes its boldest claim. Costello says that the engine is launching with 120 billion pages indexed, well over the 40 billion he says Google has (although see Google's latest bluster about the company's power at Web indexing). Costello also claims that Cuil's Web crawler is three times faster than Google's, although it wasn't clear to me if he meant that is per search computer or for the entire system. Compared with Google's globe-spanning data network of data centers, some literally set up near dams so they can tap hydro power more efficiently, Cuil's two puny data centers hosting less than 2,000 PCs total will have to run pretty fast to outpace Google's crawlers."

I agree with assessments that say that it is going to be hard to unseat a behemoth like Google whose brand recognition is unmatched. However, nothing stays the same forever.

Part of what I enjoy about technology is how fast it can change. If companies don't work hard to stay ahead of the curve and to provide value they will find themselves in serious trouble.

If Cuil delivers what they promise they have an excellent chance to become a serious player.

What Makes You Happy

Today was a day filled with a number of highs and lows. It was the day in which we threw a birthday party for my daughter. She was so excited. All morning long she bounced off of the walls asking if it was time for her party.

I looked down into a pair of dark piercing eyes and promised that I would let her know when it was time to leave. She put a hand on her hip and admonished me not to be late. "Don't get stuck on the computer, the telephone or doing push ups."

(Side note: Her comment shows that I am doing a good job of being dedicated to my exercise program. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.)

I promised that I wouldn't and set about to take care of a couple of chores. Soon enough the party girl was in her party dress and we were off. In a short time the guests arrived and four year-olds briefly took over the world. At least some of them did, there were several that never showed.

It irked me. I don't care or expect every kid to show up. Don't need to have a million kids to make my children feel loved. But I expect the courtesy of an R.S.V.P or a telephone call to say that you can't make it.

Her big brother surprised me by noticing that some of these kids hadn't made it. He made me smile because he was upset. When I asked why he told me that he was afraid that his sister's feelings would be hurt. I told him that he was a good big brother and that we need to focus on the important things.

That led to a discussion of what makes you happy. It seems to me like a bunch of his friends don't really know what makes them happy. They expect their parents to take care of everything. They can't play by themselves because without mom or dad they don't know what to do.

Inside this house that dog don't hunt. I can't tolerate raising children to be incapable of taking care of themselves. It is important and necessary to let them fail a time or two so that they learn how to deal with it at an early age. If you don't teach them how to cope the day will come when they will find themselves in hell.

The question of what makes you happy is one that I periodically ask myself. Every now and then I consider where I am heading and try to make sure that it corresponds with what makes me happy. Life is too short, too fragile and too hard not to. I try not to live in the past or focus on regrets.

But sometimes I find myself thinking about the road I didn't take. Sometimes I think back to that January day in Jerusalem. It is pouring rain and I am soaked, but I don't care. I am walking aimlessly through the city, but it doesn't matter. I have made the decision to go back to the states long enough to pack up my stuff and move back.

It didn't happen, for a whole host of reasons. It is bootless to cry about it. Can't say exactly what would have happened, but I have my ideas. I like to think that destiny brought me back. I like to think that something bigger is behind this, but I don't really know.

If you are wondering I didn't get into the deeper end with my son, but I did speak with him about how life doesn't always go the direction you think or want it to and why it is important to figure out what makes you happy.

Because if you know what makes you happy than you can act upon it. There are moments when it is cool to be spontaneous and to let the current take you where it will. But there are also times for action. I told him that when he gets older he'll understand some of this better and that there will be moments when it will pay to be bold.

Perhaps I'll share more on this later.

The Fight To Express Myself- Stories To Tell

Sometimes I feel like communicating my thoughts and feelings is an enormous struggle that is more trouble than it is worth. If you have spent any time reading the blog you know that this isn't a new thing. I like to think of it as being part and parcel of being a tortured artist.

However it seems to me that in order to be a tortured artist one must first be an artist. So I suppose that I should try and figure out how to pass myself off as an artist. We'll start with singing in which case torture is probably an appropriate description. If I were to sing you might feel as if you were being tortured.

On a serious tack there are a whole host of things that I wish that I could do that I am not real good at now. Singing is one of those things. I'd like to have the kind of voice that enabled me to sing songs that would make your heart feel like it was going to burst from your chest.

Better yet give me the voice and make me a piano virtuoso. Give me the skills to play/write songs that make the whole world sing. And yes I know who I am referencing.

But chances are that I am not suddenly going to gain either skill. The voice I have works well for a lot of things, but song is not one of them. At 39 it is unlikely that I am going to discover that I am an incredible musician. Not impossible, but not likely.

If I were a sullen, morose and bitter man I might spend time lamenting how unfair life is. Because let's face it, sometimes life sucks. In the movies the good guys almost always win, but that is why they are movies. In the real world the good guy watches as the love of his life shacks up with his nemesis and then discovers that he has some obscure cancer that ravages his body.

But since I am not that sullen, morose and bitter man I do my best to devise alternatives. I have stories to tell. My head is filled with images, movies of people, places and things that I want to share.

When I was younger I used to kid around with friends about writing a book and or producing a movie. But suddenly I find myself taking a harder look at this. Who says that I can't do these things. What is to prevent me.

If I can chase the Ironman, then I can chase after these things too. If you asked me what set me on this path I could point to a bunch of different things. I could share the story of the friend who watched the love of his life walk away. I can recite more stories than I care to admit about friends who died tragic young deaths as well as those who were a bit older, but not quite old enough to be spoken of as having lived a full life.

So it is really a number of things that are driving me. Is any of this significant. Is any of this meaningful. Well, I don't know if you'll relate to this or not. If you're making checklists of my pros and cons I can't say if this is going to add or subtract from your report.

I just know that life is short and that your job is to figure out what makes you happy. It is not something that anyone else can do. Not everyone figures it out, but if you do...

Using Art To Speak

So I decided to try using Wordle to provide a graphic rundown of some of the posts from this blog. I have done my best to provide links to the stories above the image.

It is an experiment of sorts. Let's see how it works out.
A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited
A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited Continued

Johnny and June- A Rough Draft

June

Whether The Storm or Weather The Storm

Notes For June- Fragments of Fiction

More about JohnnyA Boy Named MookieThe Bearer of Bad Tidings- One Less Set of Footsteps

What Not to Do-Snakebites

Here at The Shack we appreciate stories about all kinds of animals. So when we find interesting news we like to share it. This afternoon we stumbled onto what not to do about snakebites.

Here is an excerpt that is worth a look.

"After 23 years as an emergency room physician, Dr. Mark Rabold still takes his business seriously but can’t help but wonder in amusement about some of the situations he’s encountered involving rattlesnake bites.

One of his favorite stories involves an anesthesiologist who had just recently moved to Montana. The guy ran over a rattler with his dirt bike, but the tire spun up the snake, which hit the biker in the stomach and bit him.

Then there’s the one — Rabold’s had so many patients he can’t remember if he treated this guy or just read about it —where a man was struck by a rattlesnake, and the guy’s buddy tried a home remedy to treat the wound.

“His buddy got the jumper cables and hooked him up to a giant battery for his semi, then fired up the engine. He probably had to put down his beer first to put the clamps on each side of the snake bite,” Rabold said, laughing. “The guy is screaming, yelling and seizing from this treatment; they thought it would somehow break the venom down.

“Someone actually did a study, and found that electric therapy doesn’t work. It’s just an interesting layman’s myth. This guy ended up with third-degree electrical burns.”

The reality of rattlesnakes is that they do cause a painful bite and their venom can kill a person, although that’s rare. But for every true aspect of rattlers, there are also plenty of tall tales."

From a slightly different angle The Week has a review of a book called The Snake Charmer. It shares the tale of Joe Slowinski’s encounter with a venomous krait. According to the review a bite from this particular snake causes your nervous system to shut down and death within four hours.

“For all its high drama,” said Eric Ormsby in The New York Sun, The Snake Charmer is at heart “a book about strangeness.” The snakes that Slowinski and his colleagues pursue are rare specimens, yet the scientists themselves are James’ most exotic subjects of all. “They have their own lingo, their own customs, their private codes,” as well as astonishing tenacity. When Slowinski stops breathing, his peers keep him alive for 24 hours with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as they wait in vain for a helicopter rescue. Slowinski, meanwhile, calmly details the nature of his symptoms to his anguished friends. By dedicating his final hours to his chosen field, said People, he earned the “remarkable tribute” James has written."

And that leads to an off color joke that you may have heard.

Two friends go on a camping trip together. A short time after dark one of them has to urinate. So he goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to his friend and says, "Man I've been bitten by a snake on my penis call for help."

So his friend runs off to the car to call poison control to ask what to do to help his friend.

The doctor offers the following instructions, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom."

The friend thanks the doctor and runs back to his friend who looks up and asks, "What did the doctor say?"

His friend looks down and says " I am very sorry, the doctor says you're gonna die!"

Haveil Havalim #175 — Through the Eyes of Frume Sarah

Come one, come all to read Haveil Havalim #175 — Through the Eyes of Frume Sarah . If you want a preview just take a look at the Wordle below.

Bollywood

I rather enjoy many of the Bollywood productions. There is something quite enjoyable about watching the song and dance routines. Of course I haven't the foggiest idea what they are saying. One of these days I may create my own subtitles to go along with the videos, but for now...

And now we present Another Bollywood dance by Aishwarya Rai from the movie Nimbooda - Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.




and The video below is from: Bride and Prejudice - Punjabi Wedding Song

A Story About The Land Where I was Born

The Heavy Bag Work Out

Spent a while working out on the heavy bag in my garage. Covered in sweat, but feeling very good now. There is nothing like pounding on a bag to help you release your frustrations. It is one of those exercises that will leave you gasping for breath with your muscles aching.

Try throwing punches consistently for three minutes straight. It is not easy. I usually go through about a 25-30 minute long workout. One of the key elements, truly among the most critical is the music that accompanies me.

Here is a glimpse at some of what I listened to:

Wicked Garden- Stone Temple Pilots
Cowboy- Kid Rock
Chariots of Fire-Vangelis (This always makes me want to run a race in slow motion.)
Desert Rose- Sting
Baby Please Don't Go (1963)- Big Joe Williams
Just Can't Last- Natalie Merchant
Keep Hope Alive- The Crystal Method
Walk This Way- Aerosmith and Run-DMC
Girls, Girls, Girls- Motley Crue
Back in Black- AC/DC

Ok, off

Goodbye Randy Pausch

CNN shared the sad news that Randy Pausch has died. You may recall that I blogged about him this past April in a post called The Last Lecture- Remarks of a Dying Man.

The most important part of that post is the YouTube video of his presenting his Last lecture. It is well worth watching again so I'll repost it at the bottom of this entry. Before I do let me share an excerpt from the CNN obituary.

"Pausch was diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer in September 2006. His popular last lecture at Carnegie Mellon in September 2007 garnered international attention and was viewed by millions on the Internet.

In it, Pausch celebrated living the life he had always dreamed of instead of concentrating on impending death.

"The lecture was for my kids, but if others are finding value in it, that is wonderful," Pausch wrote on his Web site. "But rest assured; I'm hardly unique."

The book "The Last Lecture," written with Jeffrey Zaslow, leaped to the top of the nonfiction best-seller lists after its publication in April and remains there this week. Pausch said he dictated the book to Zaslow, a Wall Street Journal writer, by cell phone. The book deal was reported to be worth more than $6 million.

At Carnegie Mellon, he was a professor of computer science, human-computer interaction and design, and was recognized as a pioneer of virtual reality research. On campus, he became known for his flamboyance and showmanship as a teacher and mentor.

The speech last fall was part of a series Carnegie Mellon called "The Last Lecture," where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk. The name of the lecture series was changed to "Journeys" before Pausch spoke, something he joked about in his lecture."

Watch the video, it is really worth the time.

Thursday Night Roundup

Here is what showed up on the blog today:

Using The Blog To Build A Community
Uh Oh, This Is Too Much Fun
The brain In Love- A Scientific Study
“Happy Flu” meme
Reasons Why I Am Not a Pulpit Rabbi

And here is a link to yesterday's roundup:

Roundup of Recent Posts

Altogether that should give you a ton of posts to sift through.

Using The Blog To Build A Community

Two events took place this evening that made me spend a few minutes engaged in more serious thought about blogging. The first was a conversation that I had with a friend about why I blog, and what purpose Facebook serves.

The second event was Leora's post The Blog Challenge. Upon reading it and the comments more carefully I decided that it was time to consider a few things;

1) What do I consider the most important elements of a blog to be.
2) Does my own blog meet the standards that I look for in other blogs?
3) What are the strengths and weaknesses of my blog?

Here is a bare bones list of what I want to see in a blog in order of importance:

1) Compelling content.
2) Community of readers that add to the blog.
3) A design/template that makes it easy to read and to interact.

Content is king. I don't care how cool your template is, if you don't have compelling content it won't hold my interest. And while it is always nice to have a ton of comments they can help and hurt you.

Many people rightly see their blog as a virtual living room in their home. If you have a home in which the guests are rude/obnoxious to others you'll find it very difficult to attract and keep other guests.

So I suppose that what I am really saying is that a successful blogger uses their blog to build a community in which dialogue about various topics take place.

If I take a critical look at my blog I think that it is fair to say that I haven't done as good a job building the community here as I could. Some of that is because I have a habit of producing an enormous amount of content. When posts keep getting pushed down the page you hinder the ability of the community to respond and engage you and each other on various topics.

In addition I could do a better job of responding to comments in a more timely fashion. That raises a side issue of sorts. If you generate enough comments it starts to become difficult to respond to those on your own blog and to leave comments on other blogs.

This has been a challenge for me for a while. If you take the time to read and comment on my blog than I try to extend the same courtesy to you. The trick lately is that I find myself jammed for time. It is hard to respond here and go to your blogs to reply.

I suppose that you can attribute this as a leading cause of why I am sometimes slow to respond to comments here. One day someone may pay me handsomely to blog or I may win the lottery and find time to do what I want on my schedule and things will change.

If the meantime I encourage you all to continue to leave comments and I'll do my best to reply in a timely fashion.

Uh Oh, This Is Too Much Fun

Juggling Frogs is to blame for turning me onto Wordle. I am having way too fun with it. The image below is my blog. Click on the image to make it larger.

The brain In Love- A Scientific Study

Here is a video that I found interesting. Here is the write-up about it:

Why do we crave love so much, even to the point that we would die for it? To learn more about our very real, very physical need for romantic love, Helen Fisher and her research team took MRIs of people in love -- and people who had just been dumped.

“Happy Flu” meme

I found the good old “Happy Flu” meme over at Daled Amos and decided to participate.

Reasons Why I Am Not a Pulpit Rabbi

To clarify, I am not a rabbi. Some of my friends call me rabbi and some call me a lot worse. ;) But it is true that at times I have considered becoming one. One doesn't have to have a pulpit to become a rabbi, but that is neither here nor there.

I suppose that I should provide some background for what prompted this post. I have many friends/relatives who are rabbis and have watched and or spoken with them about their experiences.

Not one of them has ever tried to dissuade me from joining the rabbinate. Come to think of it, they haven't really tried to encourage me to enlist either.

Anyway, there are a few primary issues that keep me from seriously considering this as a profession.

1) Politics, or should I say shul politics.

I hate playing the game. I don't want to be in a position in which I live in a goldfish bowl and have to worry about what people think.

Example #1:

Several years ago I went over to a dear friend's house to help build his Sukkah. It is quite pleasant to work with music playing in the background. We had to be cautious about what we played because the community likes to talk and it could get him in trouble.

Mind you, this was not gangster rap. It didn't really fall into salacious or prurient. It was a mix of classic rock. But he was afraid that members of the community would take issue with his choice, that secular music would cause problems.

Example #2

A different friend of mine ran into problems in his shul because one of the prominent members felt that he had been snubbed by my friend. It wasn't real clear what or how it happened, just that it had and that the macher was upset.

These sorts of things would make me crazy. The minutiae of my life is irritating enough without having a million congregants pick it apart. And not being able to speak my mind would irk me. I suppose that telling a congregant that his name should have been Korach isn't nice, but...

On a side note my son recently asked me to name some of the jobs I have had and I had to restrain myself from getting too creative. But he is only going to be a little boy for a short while so I did tease him a bit.

I told him that I used to work as the hole maker at a Bagel and Donut factory and as a Cookie Cutter.

If I have more time I'll come back and tell you more about that later.

Roundup of Recent Posts

Here is a collection of some of the recent posts we put up here:

Happy Birthday To The Dark Haired Beauty
A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited Continued
Life Changing Moments
A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited
Men Who Wear Pink
The Cubicle Celebrates 40 Years
Angry With G-d
Soon to Be Appearing at: First International Jewish Bloggers Conference

And your blast from the past:

Name a Song That Makes You Cry
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
Who Remembers Richie's Pizza?
Why I Quit Blogging

Happy Birthday To The Dark Haired Beauty

The midnight hour approaches and I am wide awake. Today we celebrated the dark haired beauty's fourth birthday. And like so many other parents I can't help but wonder how she got to be this age.

Really, it was just yesterday that she was in utero and we were wondering who would come to greet us. At this time four years ago she had been in the world for all of 20 minutes or so. I remember staring at her, counting her fingers and toes, confirming that everything was right with her.

One of the first things that I noticed was a ton of dark curly hair on her head. I remember smiling as I realized that if nothing else we shared the same hair color.

So here I am four years later, the proud dad of a girl that continuously amazes me. She was born with a mind of her own and has never been shy about showing it. She hasn't any problem telling you what she wants.

Last night she told me that she wanted to play with me and I of course said sure. I got to be the baby. She made me lie down on the couch and then covered me with a blanket. For the next half hour or so she alternated between telling me stories, patting my back and singing songs.

And did I mention that she tried to do my hair. For some reason she is determined to try and give me a pony tail. It makes me laugh. I wore a flat top for close to 25 years and then when it got a bit thin for that kept it cropped pretty short.

In spite of this the girl still tried to coax my hair into a clip and then some sort of rubber band thing, but to no avail. Her own hair is filled with the sort of curls that make women stop and stare in admiration. It falls to the middle of her shoulders, unless it is wet in which case it hits her middle back.

I told her that if she loaned me some hair I'd be happy to let her put it up for me. She said sure, as long as it didn't mean cutting it and then instructed me not to cut my hair for at least ten years. I asked her why she said ten and she told me that by then it would be long enough to give me a pony.

Per her request we took her out to her favorite restaurant for dinner. It was a great meal, at least I very much enjoyed it. She on the other hand decided to wear it. Ok, she didn't want to, but was graced with the gift of vomit covered clothing. Upon our arrival home we cleaned her up and put her to bed.

She then decided that we didn't have enough laundry to do and covered her bed twice in the remnants of dinner. Once again I cleaned her up, but this time I took her in my arms and let her rest her head on my shoulder. For a good half hour or so we sat on the couch and I told her stories until she finally passed out.

And now I can see her lying in her bed. She is asleep and hopefully will remain that way for the rest of the night. She sleeps the way I used to. Once she goes down she is out for the count. It is a deep, restful sleep that I can't seem to copy.

I find it relaxing to watch her sleep. I sit her wondering what she'll look like when she is older and wonder what she'll be like as a teen and an adult. Don't get me wrong, I want her to stay a child for as long as possible. Adult life comes far too quickly.

Oh, did I mention that I am having her brother trained in various disciplines of death. When the young suitors come the big boy and I will be ready for them. I know how those boys think, I used to be one. Do I really have to let her date. Oy, I can't think about this right now.

Anyhoo, the dear girl has gotten short shrift in this blog as it feels like I have spent far more time writing about her brother. So as part of my penance here are some links to some past posts about her.

The Princess Speaks
Daddy You Died
My Daughter's Favorite Book
A Big Girl Bed
Death Comes For Us All- When Do you Start Saying Goodbye
She Needs To Know About Boys
Penis Talk Revisited
His Penis Is In The Wrong Place
Dancing WIth My Daughter

A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited Continued

This is part two of a A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited. If you want to participate let me know and we'll figure out a way to make it happen. Remember, the beauty of cut and paste is that we edit and manipulate this over and over.

"I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you"
Hate Me- Blue October

"Well it's been ten years, and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in-
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet-
While I'm singin' to myself
There's got to be another way

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life-
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife-
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there-
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere"
Ball and Chain- Social Distortion

"I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for"
I Still Haven't Found What I am Looking For- U2

"You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you"
All I Want Is You- U2

"It ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And youve got to learn to live with what you cant rise above if you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love"
Tunnel of Love- Bruce Springsteen

"Girl, you're blowing my mind 'cause I can't get...(Next to you)
Can't you see these tears I'm crying? I can't get... (Next to you)
Girl, it's you that I need. I gotta get...(Next to you)
Can't you see these tears I'm crying? I can't get... (Next to you)
I, I, I, I... I can't get...(Next to you)
I, I, I, I... I can't get...(Next to you)
Girl, you're blowing my mind..."
I Can't Get Next to You-The Temptations

"Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a man
and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Oh, oh, oooooo, yeah, hey
Oh, oh, oooooo, yeah, yeah, ooo
Oooooooooooooo
Maybe I'm amazed
at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you"
Maybe I'm Amazed-Paul McCartney

"But for now, love, let's be real;
I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,
But the feeling's gone
And I just can't get it back.

If you could read my mind, love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong.
With chains upon my feet.
But stories always end,
And if you read between the lines,
You'd know that I'm just tryin' to understand
The feelin's that you lack.
I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong,"

If You Could Read My Mind- Gordon Lightfoot

"I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......"
The Winner Takes It All- Abba

"I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I've loved you for my life, yes, you're a friend of mine
And when my life is over, remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singin' my song for you, yes
We were alone and I was singin' this song for you, baby
We were alone and I was singin' my song,
Singin' my song, singin' my song, singin' my song
Singin' my song"
A Song For You- Ray Charles

"She's forty-one and her daddy still calls 'er "baby"
All the folks 'round Brownsville say she's crazy
'Cause she walks downtown with her suitcase in her hand
Lookin' for a mysterious dark-haired man"
Delta Dawn- Helen Reddy

Life Changing Moments

Yesterday afternoon I was asked how many life changing events I could identify. It sounds like a simple enough idea. Take a little time and write down the moments/events that changed your life.

I didn't want to focus on the obvious ones, such as the birth of my children. I am not minimizing them, they are all incredibly important. Rather I am trying to dig deeper and see what I can learn, if anything about myself.

It is an exercise that I expect I might try and do a few times so that I can compare my notes and see if my opinion about some things has changed. Before I get started a brief comment. Due to various events I don't feel as safe in posting some things here. It is not because they're illegal or wrong, they're just quite personal.

As I have mentioned in the past the loss of anonymity has impeded some of my ability to just share my thoughts here. Anyway, I am going to try and list a few and we'll see how and where it goes. I expect that it will be revised and refined many times.

P.S. For the moment this is not in order of importance:

1. First day of kindergarten- G and I meet. 34 years later we're as tight as ever.
2. January 15, 2003
3. The death of my great-grandfather.
4. John Hinckley's attempted assassination of President Reagan.
5. Little League- 12 years old and I lead the league in homers.
6. Reading Tolkien's books.
7. Taking second place in a write-off for sports journalism.
8. Winning first place in a writing contest.
9. My first kiss.
10. First love.
11. Falling in love again.
    
12. The first time my heart was broken.
13. The last time my heart was broken.
14. My first job.
15. Summer of 1982, 1985, 1988.
16. Spring/Summer of 2004.
17. The 1996 Olympics.
18. D's Death.
19. My son's Pidyon Ha-Ben.
20. Buying my house.
21. The embarrassment I felt after I was laughed for my singing in a school play.
22. My Bar-Mitzvah.
23. Graduations.
24. Israel 1995 and 1998.
25. Memorial Day 2008.

And so the pressure is on. That list above is the first draft. It is soft and missing things, but what...

A Story Using Song Lyrics Revisited

In the early days of my blogging career I had more ideas for posts than time to write them. I probably should have made a point of keeping track of them by compiling a list, but I never really thought that I'd reach a point where I couldn't remember them.

Sadly, the great brain has reached a point at which it sometimes resembles a sieve or soft melon and the ideas just seem to leak out of me. Anyhoo, one of my bright ideas was to try and use song lyrics to write a story. You can read more at A Story Using Song Lyrics.

I am going to try and pick it up again. I'll probably come and back and edit it a time or two. Here we go:

"There are places I'll remember,
all my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better,
some have gone and some remain.
All these places have their moments,
with lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
in my life I've loved them all."
In My Life- The Beatles

"When I was seventeen
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for small town girls
And soft summer nights
We’d hide from the lights
On the village green
When I was seventeen"
It Was A Very Good Year- Frank Sinatra

"Billy left his home with a dollar in his pocket and a head full of dreams.
He said somehow, some way, it’s gotta get better than this.
Patti packed her bags, left a note for her momma, she was just seventeen,
There were tears in her eyes when she kissed her little sister goodbye.

They held each other tight as they drove on through the night they were so exited.
We got just one shot of life, let’s take it while we’re still not afraid.
Because life is so brief and time is a thief when you’re undecided.
And like a fistful of sand, it can slip right through your hands.

Young hearts be free tonight. time is on your side,
Don’t let them put you down, don’t let ’em push you around,
Don’t let ’em ever change your point of view."
Young Turks- Rod Stewart

"I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the first time
And this time I know it's for real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows God knows I've fallen in love"
I Want To Break Free- Queen

"Look out kid
Don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don't try "No Doz"
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows"
Subterranean Homesick Blues- Bob Dylan

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time"
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)- Green Day

"Look at us we're beautiful,
All the people push and pull but,
Let's just go out and ride,
Talk about the things we've tried
Look at us we're beautiful,
All the people push and pull but,
They'll never get inside,
We got too much to hide"
Beautiful- Moby

"The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like our's meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild.."
Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash

"Babe, baby, baby, I'm Gonna Leave You.
I said baby, you know I'm gonna leave you.
I'll leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes a-rollin'
Leave you when the summer comes along."
Babe I'm Gonna Leave You- Led Zeppelin

"I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love"
Boys of Summer- Don Henley

"Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-"
Boys of Summer- Don Henley

"Won't you please talk to me
If you'd just talk to me
Unblock this misery
If you'd only talk to me
Don't you ever change your mind
Now your future's so defined
And you act so deaf so blind
Come on, come talk to me
Come talk to me, come talk to me"
Come Talk To Me- Peter Gabriel

"Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye "
Golden Slumbers- The Beatles

"And don't ask me where
All of the pain goes
'Cause you make me feel
That I don't know myself
You say that you want me forever
And I say that love is no crime
So tell me the names of the children
We'll have at the end of the line

So don't put your arms around me
And don't hold me tight
'Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise
And don't let me near the garden
Of earthly delights
'Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise
Of paradise
Of paradise

Just use your heart not your head
While I fall apart in my bed
I find myself aching for you
I feel myself breaking in two"
Visions of Paradise- Mick Jagger

"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end"
Hurt- Johnny Cash

"Huh, it's hard to believe
But you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' want this back
You're gonna' wish these days
Hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna' miss this
You're gonna' miss this
Yeaahhhh... you're gonna' miss this..."
You're Gonna Miss This- Trace Adkins

"I remember holding you
while you sleep
ev'ry day I feel the
tears that you weep.
Looking out from my lonely gloom
day after day.
Bring it home
baby make it soon
I give my love to you"
Day After Day- Badfinger

"We started a story Whose end must now wait
And, tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when
Will I hold you again
I feel the change comin'
--I feel the wind blow
I feel brave and daring!
I feel my blood flow
With you
I can bring out
All the love, that I have
--With you there's a heaven
So earth ain't so bad
And tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when
Will I hold you again"
Weekend in New England- Barry Manilow

Men Who Wear Pink

Here is a partial transcript of a recent conversation with the queen.

Queen: I saw a man wearing a pink shirt today.
Jack: I like Rocky Road ice cream.

Queen: I am not a big fan of it.
Jack: What have you got against Rocky Road.

Queen: I don't have anything against Rocky Road.
Jack: That is good, it stains.

Queen: I am not talking about ice cream. I said I saw a man wearing a pink shirt today.
Jack: You squint an awful lot. Might want to get your eyes checked.

Queen: I know what I saw.
Jack: You only think you do and you know what happens when you think. I bet that he was wearing a white shirt that had been washed with a red shirt.

Queen: I don't understand why men wear pink. I am not a fan.
Jack: You're not an air conditioner either. 5-4-3-2...

Queen: Why are you counting?
Jack: I am waiting for you to catch up.

Queen: Catch up with what?
Jack: Catch up with your hamburger. What do you think, the stupid joke.

Queen: I ignored it.
Jack: Ignored what.

Queen: I am trying to have a conversation and you are being a pain-in-the-ass.
Jack: I got it. You saw a man you thought was wearing pink. I said that I like Rocky Road and told you to be careful that you didn't get any on your shirt or it would be stained. And unlike the pink shirt guy, it will be brown and people might wonder just where you have been sitting.

Queen: Pink and that other pastel crap that men wore in the 80s sucks. I like my man to dress like a man.
Jack: Which is why I don't wear a dress. More importantly, why are you stuck talking about things that happened 20 years ago. What are you in some kind of funk.

Queen: Sometimes I wonder why I talk to you.
Jack: I know why I talk to you. Charity.

Queen: (Censored to protect the innocent children who visit this blog.)
Jack: (In between guffaws) you do realize that you lived the majority of your life outside that burning river.

Queen: and you realize that people hate your town.
Jack: It is only because they are jealous.

Queen: Can we have a serious conversation?
Jack: You know, there are a bunch of ways to say that:

Can we have a serious conversation?
Can we have a serious conversation.
Can we have a serious conversation!

Queen: I am not playing games with you.
Jack: That's because I always win. You suck at Trivial Pursuit.

Stay tuned for part 2.

The Cubicle Celebrates 40 Years

I don't know that I'd really call this a celebration. For most of my professional career I have managed to avoid sitting in one, but there has been a time or two in which I have been stuck. I am not a fan.

"The cubicle celebrates its 40th birthday this month. A party is unlikely.

What’s to celebrate? The cubicle office system is one of the most derided realities of modern work life.

Somehow, the spaces that white-collar worker bees unlovingly refer to as “cubes” have become an icon for all that is confining, uninspiring, soulless and humdrum in our workaday lives.

Warrens. Honeycombs. Cube farms. Even “veal-fattening pens.”

The sarcasm — cynicism — wrapped around those fabric-covered panels is remarkable for a system marketed back in 1968 as the Action Office.

Bad rap?

“This was a wonderful concept,” Joe Schwartz said. He was the marketing director at Herman Miller in Michigan when the furniture company shopped a new office system concept around the country.

Schwartz, now 82, retired and living in Scottsdale, Ariz., spent a fair amount of time in Kansas City back then because Hallmark Cards was one of the first adopters of the Action Office.

The late Robert Propst at Herman Miller gets credit for the design, although some of his ideas were lost in translation, Schwartz said.

The basic idea of movable walls was a beautiful thing for employers and employees. For management, reconfiguring space could be accomplished without costly and messy drywall work. Employees gained storage, some privacy, even shelves.

In the initial design, Schwartz said, workers could have desks at two levels, one for sitting and one for standing.

“Propst had the idea that sitting wasn’t good for you and that people could both sit and stand at work and that would improve their health,” Schwartz said.

The Action Office met with some resistance. Managers wondered if privacy was such a good idea. Cost, as always, was an issue. Desks on two levels?

But the biggest alteration was that the cubicles shrunk in response to demands on office space, Schwartz said."

For the full story please click here.

Angry With G-d

This morning marked the fourth anniversary of my father's triple bypass. Two days later my daughter was born. It was the culmination of a very difficult period of time for me.

All of this has been discussed and dissected here more than once. I discussed some of those thoughts in a post called I Yelled At G-d.

Today I am here again with a new post called Angry With G-d. I suppose that this is one of those posts where I shake out the cobwebs and try to make sense of a few things that are bouncing around inside my head.

I don't believe that you'll find anything unusual here. I am not the first person to feel these things and I won't be the last. I am not offering ideas or solutions because I think that it is an individual matter.

(Side note) Before I get any farther into this I need to give proper credit to my chevrusa The Rebbetzin's Husband. The good rav's post Of Synagogue Dress Codes and Dress-Up Judaism set me off on this particular ride through the dark. To be clear, I had intended to write an entirely different post than this one, and may still do so. But that remains to be seen.

And here we go:

Someone I care very much for and I have been wrestling over multiple issues. I don't expect or need for them to agree with me on all of them. It really doesn't bother me whether they agree or not. Most of the time I appreciate the back and forth of the debate. It is good to be challenged.

One of the on going discussions we have is whether there is a G-d. At this stage they have decided that they are an atheist. I can tell you why I believe in G-d. I can give you a list of reasons but they're not the kind that are likely to bowl you over and make you shout hallelujah.

They call it faith because it requires a suspension of disbelief. I have gone through periods of time in which I didn't believe. I have moments now where I shake my head and wonder what the hell I am doing. Moments where I do the proverbial fist shaking at the sky and consider myself to be a fool.

Let me provide you with a list of some of the experiences I have had during my short 39 years on the big blue marble.

I know two people who were murdered.
I can name five friends who died from the complications brought on by brain tumors. None of them lived past 34.

I have a baby cousin who is fighting off a brain tumor right now. She is all of 26. At the moment she is doing well, but the odds are not good.

I have another dear friend who is fighting off a rare form of cancer. The docs don't know what the outcome will be, but she wonders if she'll live to be 40.

Then there is the list of those who died in accidents, motorcycle, DUI, biking in Europe, seizure in the bathtub and more.

And that my friends is the incomplete list. It doesn't include the blog friends who have lost their children.

In short I could share much more information with you about these tragedies. I have a strong enough command of the language to paint a picture that provides the background on these souls and how these events have impacted those who loved them.

It would be improper to claim that I was exceptionally close with all of them. It is important to note that those with cancer come from all over the country. I can't point to one central location that had radioactive fallout or exposure to carcinogens for being the source of their illnesses.

But I can tell you that I find it to be senseless. I can say without hesitation that I hate responses where people tell me that we just don't understand G-d's plan. It is a cop out. It is a weak excuse that works for some people because you can just shrug your shoulders and say well, there is a reason.

I don't buy it. I don't believe it. I can't accept it. I don't need to have answers to everything. I want to. I want a crystal ball. I want to know if the decisions that I make today are good or bad. I want to know so many things.

And so I go back to faith. I yell at the thing/person/force/whatever that we view as our higher power and say the following: "Some of this is FUCKED UP. I don't apologize for cursing. I don't feel badly, not one whit.

If I look at our liturgy, if I dig into the lessons I have learned, the tefillot and believe in rachmones, believe in love and kindness than I can do that and be ok.

Because if I have faith that there is a G-d than the one I believe in isn't going to cast me out for being angry, asking why or railing on about the injustice. Am I supposed to sit back during the Three Weeks and not do any of these things.

Am I supposed to be a human being or an automaton. I know what my answer is. I know what I believe...today that is.

Life is filled with so many different events and changes. I can't say that one day I won't change my mind about this or that I will. All I can do is wake up and see what the day brings.

These Just Make Me Laugh

Soon to Be Appearing at: First International Jewish Bloggers Conference

Yes, folks that is right old Jack is going to be leaving on a jet plane to attend the First International Jewish Bloggers Conference.

I am going to have the privilege of taking a Nefesh B'Nefesh flight to Israel alongside some new olim. As part of the festivities I'll take some time to speak with one of the families and provide you with a glimpse as to who they are and why they decided to make aliyah.

After the flight I'll tool on over to the First International Jewish Bloggers Conference in Yerushalayim. It ought to be great, 5 people speaking and a 1000 attendees with their heads bent over anxiously typing away as they live blog the conference.

Now if I only can find a cool happy face mask, like the one the guy below is wearing. ;)

The Value of a Mistake

Rabbi Daniel Gordis' has issued another dispatch called When Mistakes Are Worth Making that I suggest you read. It discusses the value of the Kuntar exchange, the disengagement and why these mistakes were necessary.

"So, in the face of all the good arguments about how no self-respecting country trades a almost two hundred dead bodies and several living terrorists including Samir Kuntar (who, we should recall, shot a man at point blank range in front of his four-year-old daughter, and then killed the girl by smashing her skull against a rock with the butt of his rifle – and all this at the ripe old age of 17) for two soldiers who were almost certainly dead, how does one justify this decision? Wasn’t it certainly a mistake?

Yes, in strategic terms, it was probably a mistake. But sometimes mistakes are worth making. Take the Disengagement. It is now clear that the Disengagement from Gaza was a horrifying, costly and still painful mistake. But – and I realize that this is not a popular position – it was a mistake that Israel needed to make. It was the mistake that proved, once and for all, that the enemies we face have no interest in a state of their own. They just want to destroy ours. That is what Israelis learned, now without a doubt, as a result of the Disengagement. There’s almost no one left around here myopic enough to imagine even for an instant that further retreats will get us peace. OK, there are still a few arm-chair peace-niks in the States, insisting that there is simply no conflict that cannot be resolved. But here? Precisely the opposite. Now we know that the right was correct – further retreats will only embolden our enemies. They’ll demand more. And more. Until we’re gone.

The benefits of that lesson are understandably of no consolation to the families who paid so dearly in the summer of 2005, who are still living in temporary housing, whose marriages didn’t survive, whose livelihoods have never been restored, whose children hate the country that did that to their parents – but despite all that, the Disengagement was probably a horrifying mistake that Israel needed to make. For now we know, even those of us (and I include myself) who were naive enough to imagine something else. Peace is not around the corner. Peace is not a year or two away. Peace is not possible. Not now. Not a year from now. Not a decade from now. Because their issue isn’t a Palestinian State it’s the end of the Jewish one. We learned that through the mistake we made in 2005, a mistake that we probably needed to make.

And that’s why we had to make the trade this week. Yes, according to a variety of strategic criteria, the trade was problematic. It may raise the price for Gilad Shalit (not that those negotiations have been going anywhere, of course). It may affect future prisoners of war.

But if it was a mistake, it was a calculated mistake, a mistake well worth making.It was a mistake worth making when we think about what is the real challenge facing Israel. The challenge facing Israel isn’t to win the war against the Palestinians. The war can’t be won. We can’t eradicate them, and they won’t accept our being here. The challenge that Israel faces is not to move towards peace. Peace can’t be had. No – the challenge facing Israel is to learn how to live in perpetual, never-ending war, and in the face of that, to flourish, and to be a country that our kids still want to defend. And that is what we did this week."

Another Monday Morning- Slap The Happy Out

Jefferson On The Bible

The LA Times has an interesting story about Thomas Jefferson's bible. Take a look at this:

"Making good on a promise to a friend to summarize his views on Christianity, Thomas Jefferson set to work with scissors, snipping out every miracle and inconsistency he could find in the New Testament Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.Then, relying on a cut-and-paste technique, he reassembled the excerpts into what he believed was a more coherent narrative and pasted them onto blank paper -- alongside translations in French, Greek and Latin.

In a letter sent from Monticello to John Adams in 1813, Jefferson said his "wee little book" of 46 pages was based on a lifetime of inquiry and reflection and contained "the most sublime and benevolent code of morals which has ever been offered to man."

He called the book "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth." Friends dubbed it the Jefferson Bible. It remains perhaps the most comprehensive expression of what the nation's third president and principal author of the Declaration of Independence found ethically interesting about the Gospels and their depiction of Jesus.

"I have performed the operation for my own use," he continued, "by cutting verse by verse out of the printed book, and arranging the matter, which is evidently his and which is as easily distinguished as diamonds in a dunghill."

The little leather-bound tome, several facsimiles of which are kept at the Huntington Library in San Marino, continues to fascinate scholars exploring the powerful and varied relationships between the Founding Fathers and the most sacred book of the Western World.

The big question now, said Lori Anne Ferrell, a professor of early modern history and literature at Claremont Graduate University, is this:

"Can you imagine the reaction if word got out that a president of the United States cut out Bible passages with scissors, glued them onto paper and said, 'I only believe these parts?' "

I'll answer Ferrell's question. In today's America you cannot be elected unless you profess to believe in G-d. And even then, if you don't believe in the right G-d you probably still cannot be elected.

My Review Of The Dark Knight

"The Batmobile broke its wheel and the Joker got away..."

Got away Saturday night and caught The Dark Knight. That was a feat, haven't managed to go out on a Satuday night in forever. Reminds me of a song they used to sing at Camp Blue (The Lair of The Bear) that went something like:

"Saturday night, Saturday night, weekend starts Saturday night,
Summer here is and spring is gone,
mountain air is full of song"

Or something along those lines.

So it appears that I helped The Caped Crusader blow by Spidey's box office bonanza. Wow, almost $156 million, that is a chunk of change. Anyway, enough about that, how about

Warning, there may be a spoiler or two about the movie below this 'graph.

As expected Batman defeated the Joker. Big surprise there, but that is ok. I prefer the edgier Batman of the last two movies to the those portrayed by Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer and George Clooney. Those movies were at best ok, but more because I am a fan of Batman. As films they weren't anything special.

But The Dark Knight and Batman Begins, they are different. They have a certain substance and style to them that grabbed me. Maybe it is that edge that captivates me. The Joker isn't a loveable rogue. You don't look about him and make excuses for his behavior. He is not a caricature of a bad guy, he is BAD. He is a nightmare that you'd rather not encounter.

Bale's Batman is a character who doesn't fall into a specific category of being good or bad. I like that in a superhero. There are flaws. Batman may have rules, but the edges are blurred. I find it easier to root for the human hero than the one who can do no wrong.

What do you think?

Johnny Speaks To June

I have to work this into Fragments of Fiction

Johnny told June, "what happens to happens to me as well."

"Your happiness, your anger and your sadness are shared. No matter what happens or where you, you take my heart alongside of you.

Would you have me forsake you in your time of need. Might as well ask me to cut off my arm."

How To Deal With a Bully

In light of recent events I thought that it was worth reposting this.

My son and I sat down and had a discussion about how to deal with bullies. It is one of the sad facts of life, bullies exist and they thrive at all ages.

You would think or perhaps hope that with age and maturity they would grow up and give up their bullying ways, but that is just not the case. Since he is just short of five we had a very simplistic discussion about what to do about a bully.

It is rather late and I don't have time to recount our discussion in its entirety here so instead I will try and sum it up and give some insight as to what I may say in the future.

The bully uses fear as a tool. It is a weapon that he/she employs to try and coerce you into doing what they want. Often the best way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them and let them know that you will not tolerate their behavior and that no matter what they try you will not back down.

In the schoolyards of my youth bullies were dealt with and dispatched with fists. You didn't want to fight, but if you were forced into it you did what you had to do and you made sure that the bully understood that they had no power over you.

Unfortunately there are some misguided fools who fail to recognize their own failings and foibles. They will continue to fight and growl long after it has been proven that they have no teeth.

So the question becomes one of whether you give them any recognition. Sometimes you can just ignore their meaningless drivel because it is clear they operate from a place of fear and insecurity. They are so frightened and uncomfortable in their own skin that there is nothing that you can do to them that is worse than leaving them to sulk by themselves in a corner.

As I mentioned earlier this is a little sophisticated for a young child so I tried to do what I could to boil it down, but I was only partially successful. So I gave in and read part of one of my favorite Churchill speeches because it says so much. It sends a very meaningful message. Here is a link to the speech and my favorite excerpt.

"we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender,"

Speech before Commons
(June 4, 1940)

Haveil Havalim #174 is Live

Esser Agaroth has done an exceptional job with Haveil Havalim #174. You can find it here.

Fleeing From Holiness

Stories like Escape From the Holy Shtetl make me shake my head. I am a Jew from LA, born and bred here. Spent the last 39 years interacting with BT's and FFBs of all types.

In plain English I know Jews of multiple observance levels. There are those in my circle who are what you would call culturally Jewish and those who you'd call Ultra Orthodox. For better or for worse I have been happy to say that I can comfortably interact with all of them.

It is no secret to say that I have my agreements and disagreements with them regarding various issues. But overall I haven't any problem recognizing their Judaism. They may do things differently than I do, but that's ok. I get it, We're all Jews.

But the Satmars are a different bird altogether. And while I would never say that they aren't Jewish (a courtesy that they probably wouldn't extend to me) I find their ways to be cultish and wrong.

It is not an exaggeration to say that things that I have heard and read make me cringe. That story is going to be read by a lot of people who don't have enough common sense to distinguish that Jews are not monolithic in behavior and we are all going to be tarred with the same brush.

(This is a post in progress. I need to come back and do something polishing. Hopefully there will be time to do so later.)

1 in 4 California high school students Drop Out

I forgot to blog about this story yesterday it provides more support for why I send my children to private school. The LA Times reports the following:

"Deploying a long-promised tool to track high school dropouts, the state released numbers Wednesday estimating that 1 in 4 California students -- and 1 in 3 in Los Angeles -- quit school. The rates are considerably higher than previously acknowledged but lower than some independent estimates.

The figures are based on a new statewide tracking system that relies on identification numbers that were issued to California public school students beginning in fall 2006.The ID numbers allow the state Department of Education to track students who leave one school and enroll in another in California, even if it is in a different district or city. In the past, the inability to accurately track such students gave schools a loophole, allowing them to say that departing students had transferred to another school when, in some cases, they had dropped out.

The new system -- which will cost $33 million over the next three years, in addition to the millions spent for the initial development -- promises to eventually provide a far better way to understand where students go, and why. But state and school district officials acknowledged that the data initially available Wednesday, after a final one-day delay, were limited in usefulness.

"I think as the system stabilizes, you will get better data," said Esther Wong, assistant superintendent for planning, assessment and research in the Los Angeles Unified School District. For now, she said, the numbers tell only part of the story, albeit more accurately than in the past.

Jack O'Connell, state superintendent of public instruction, presented the new data, based on the 2006-07 school year, as a quantum leap forward in understanding the nature of the dropout problem. But, he said, "no one will argue that the number of dropouts is good news. . . . It represents an enormous loss of potential."

This report strikes me as an enormous cry for help. What the hell is going on in our public schools that so many children are dropping out. What is the root cause? Is it financial? Are students forced to drop out to support their families or is there some other combination of factors that are driving them to drop out.

Granted there are some problems with the reporting that led to this, but anyway you slice it there is an issue here that cannot be ignored.

Fun With Soundtracks

Batman

Superman

Indiana Jones

Staving off Old Age- The Ironman

I am not afraid of getting older. I am afraid of what could happen when I get older. Let's face it, growing older is a good thing, it means that I am not dead. And while I am not afraid of dying, I am most certainly not ready for it yet.

No, what worries me is what happens when my body no longer is willing to respond the way I want and expect it to. Even as I type this there are little signs of this taking place. I have a kink in my neck and an ache in my back that don't want to go away. My legs feel a bit heavy and overall I feel kind of stiff.

These little nagging pains beg the question of how and why they came about. The simple answer is that they are a result of the exercising I have been doing during the past week. And that brings me to the concern about aging. This never used to happen. I haven't done anything that I consider to be particularly strenuous, yet here they are.

Listen closely and you can hear little creaks, cracks and whistle emanating from joints, my joints that is. The knees, the elbows and the shoulders all have their own sounds. Just what I always wanted an orchestra of aches and pains.

Unless science comes up with a real fountain of youth I have to accept the fact that aging will take its toll upon me and that some things will grow more challenging. But I don't have to give in and I can try to do it on my terms which is why I want to compete in the Ironman.

If you are not familiar with it, here is a short explanation courtesy of Wikipedia.

The Ironman World Triathlon Championship or Ironman Triathlon is an annual triathlon race, made famous by its grueling length, race conditions, and sports television coverage.

Held every fall in the US city of Kailua-Kona, Hawaii, the race encompasses three endurance events; a 2.4 mile (3.8 km) ocean swim in Kailua-Kona Bay, a 112 mile (180 km) bike ride across the Hawaiian lava desert to Hawi and back, and a marathon (26.2 mile, 42 km) along the coast of the Big Island (from Keauhou to Keahole Point to Kailua-Kona); finishing on Ali'i Drive.

The current course record was set in 1996 by Luc Van Lierde (Belgium) whose winning time was 8 hrs 4 mins 8 sec.

My goal is simple, first to qualify for the big race and then to complete it. Some of you may remember Julie Moss, the college student who almost won the Ironman in 1982. At the end of the race exhaustion set in and she literally had to crawl across the finish line. I remember seeing the clip of her finish and being amazed by her determination.



So you might wonder when I hope to do the Ironman and whether I intend to win. The answers are simple. The goal is to simply be able to say that I completed an Ironman. As for when, well I have given myself the next 11 years to get into shape, qualify, compete and finish.

Now that might sound silly, but to me there is something poetic about doing it the year that I turn 50. I like the symbolism. I like the idea of using The Ironman as a way to say that I may have aged, but I am not old yet.

How Velcro Was Invented

In our continuing effort to provide information you might not get elsewhere we are pleased to offer information on how velcro was invented.

"You surely know the famous story about George de Mestral’s 1941 hunting trip in Switzerland - while walking his dog in the mountains, he accidentally brushed up against some cocklebur plants, and by the time he got back home, dozens of the round, spiky seeds were clinging to his wool trousers (and his poor dog’s fur).

What you don’t know is how hard it was for de Mestral to translate that natural stroke of genius into man-made one. He quickly figured out why the seed were so sticky by examining them under a microscope - the spikes each ended in tiny hooks that grabbed onto fabric and fur and wouldn’t let go. (Photo: Francoise and Charles de Mestral, aps.org)

But it wasn’t until 1952 that de Mestral made a serious effort to mimic the cockleburs’ hooks using different types of fabric. He quit his day job and raised $150,000 in venture capital, an enormous sum at the time. He also joined up with a textile weaver from Lyon, France - the only weaver who thought the idea would actually work. The pair’s first attempt, using cotton, was a failure. But nylon, sewn into tiny hooks under bright infrared light, worked much better. He dubbed it "Velcro" after velvet and "crochet," the French word for "hook."

Want to know the rest of the story? Click here.

A Look Back At Some Old Posts

The Shmata Queen asked me if I have heard from MC Aryeh lately. And the answer is no. Maybe the man will pick up and start blogging again. I have hopes that he and Abbagav will both reappear, but something tells me that it is unlikely.

Anyhoo, if you are new to the blog every now and then I take a moment to dust off the archives and give some old posts a chance to see daylight again. So here are some old posts that you might want to check out.

Why Is She Afraid of a Snow Man?
Are Soul Mates Real or Fabricated?
My Beard
Are You Smarter Than A Rabbi? Part I
The Impact of My Actions
Letting Love Go
The Blogger I Used To Be

A Walk Through The Mall Part II

A quick comment about this post. Given the activities of the past day I hesitated on writing such fluff but decided that it was time for something a bit lighter. For more background you can read Walking Through The Mall Part I.

As you may recall on my way through the parking lot I encountered a number of different people. The last was the Crazy Broad whose driving skills rivaled a drunk blind man. The brief transcript of our conversation doesn't quite do justice to her, or should I say that it doesn't begin to describe how fast she spoke.

Her comments came out in great bursts that were accompanied by exaggerated hand gestures. I imagine that had I grabbed her hands it would have served the same function as a mute button, but I digress.

In spite of the challenges presented by the various denizens who haunt the parking lot I managed to enter the mall. Once inside I strode purposefully towards Macys. I knew that somewhere inside the belly of the beast I'd find what I had come for.

What I didn't count on was being waylaid again and again by mall people. More specifically I was captured by different members of the Salesraeli tribe. In spite of my best efforts to avoid them their tractor beams grabbed a hold of my ship and pulled me in.

Salesraeli: Sir, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: I have many friends who are girls.

Salesraeli: Have you ever thought about getting them a very nice gift?
Me: I give them the gift of me.

Salesraeli: Look at these products. They are amazing. They are from an amazing place called The Dead Sea.
Me: You want me to give them something that will kill them. Why? Do you want to be my girlfriend?

Salesraeli: Sir, you are very funny.
Me: So is George Carlin, but he is dead now.

Salesraeli: I don't understand.
Me: Neither do I. What are we talking about.

Salesraeli: Sir, let me show you what these amazing products can do for your nails.
Me: Wow, you are right. That is amazing. The nail that I chew on is really shiny.

Salesraeli: Your girlfriend will love it.
Me: How do you know?

Salesraeli: Because I am a woman and we like to look beautiful.
Me: Wait, are you going to ask me if those jeans make you look fat.

Salesraeli: Look what else I have for you. Amazing mud from the Dead Sea.
Me: Give me a hose and some dirt and I can make amazing mud from America.

Salesraeli: Dead Sea mud is different.
Me: Because it is dead.

Salesraeli: No, because it has special things in it that help your skin.
Me: Boy, I should really give her a special gift for her skin.

Salesraeli: If you buy this for your girlfriend she'll give you a special gift.
Me: I don't know.

Salesraeli: This normally sales for $50.00, but for you I'll give you a special price.
Me: Ok, how does five bucks sound.

Salesraeli: Sir, you really do like to play jokes.
Me: I stopped playing jokes years ago. Too hard on the remains of my intellect.

Salesraeli: I am sorry, sometimes my English is not too good.
Me: That is ok, sometimes my Hebrew isn't too good.

Oy, this is too painful to continue. Perhaps we'll pick it up at a later date.

More On Murderer's Injustice

Shira has done a nice job of putting together a roundup of thoughts about the shameful release of those murderers today.

I'll add Seraphic Secret's post “Swap Teaches Us to Kidnap More” to the mix.

In my initial post about this And Murderers Are Set Free I voiced some of my disgust and distaste about the shameful behavior of the Israeli government in releasing these murderers.

I very badly for the Goldwasser and Regev families, but the government had solid intelligence that suggested that they were dead a long time ago. The confirmation of their deaths is a tragedy that is multiplied by the release of those who wish to murder again.

From CNN:

Once in Beirut, convicted murderer Samir Kuntar -- who was the longest-held Lebanese prisoner in Israel -- told a crowd of thousands he'd continue to fight for the liberation of the Palestinian territories.

"I return today from Palestine, but believe me, I return to Lebanon only in order to return to Palestine," Kuntar said.

There you go Israel, he has made another blood oath. Fulfill your responsibility to your people and to your citizens and take him out before he has a chance to do anything.

Uphold your obligation and do the right thing. Men such as him forfeit their rights to life.

Basic Photography

One must always remember to pay attention to the background of your photo.

Permission To Swear

I don't know about you but I need a bit of humor today. The following pictures highlight scenes that give you permission to swear.

And Murderers Are Set Free

Ynet reports:

The bodies Israel Defense Forces soldiers Eldad Regev and Ehud Goldwasser were handed over to the Red Cross on the Lebanese side of the border at around 9 am Wednesday, more than two years after they were kidnapped into Lebanon on July 12, 2006.

The prisoner exchange deal with Hizbullah was executed following months of German mediation, and after the government ratified the deal and President Shimon Peres pardoned Lebanese murderer Samir Kuntar.

Kuntar will return to Lebanon along with four other Lebanese prisoners, as well as the bodies of 199 Hizbullah members.

My heart goes out to the Goldwasser and Regev families.

It is a sad day when murderers are pardoned and given license to walk freely among us all. It is a sad day when those who rejoice in evil deeds and revel in the blood of the innocent stroll out of prison.

There was a time when I believed that if we only treated people with respect and dignity they would extend the same courtesy to us. It made sense to me. Be nice and others will be nice to you.

But it is a fantasy that doesn't extend to the real world. Evil exists. There are far too many examples of people who do not feel, who are capable of doing horrible things that you and I could never imagine.

We can review serial killers. We can talk about Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy, BTK etc. We can look at examples of leaders such as Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot etc.

The truth is out there. And that sad and lamentable truth is that there are those who will kill you and your family without compunction. You don't let these people go. You don't set them free. You don't give them the ability to hurt others.

It is not smart. It is not wise and it is most definitely not humane. Save your sympathy for others. Save your tears for those who deserve them. There are monsters who walk the earth during the day and the night and Israel just released some of them.

Bleeding from The Mouth

It was hard trying to sneak into the house without being seen. I didn't have to look in the mirror to know that my appearance would scare the hell out everyone. My clothes were torn, my body was bruised and battered and I had one hell of a bruise across my face.

At least I think that it is one bruise, it could be two or three. I am not really sure. I can't tell you how many times I was hit or with what. I know for sure that one of them was holding something in his fist.

I'll be the first to admit that I am relatively fearless about visiting the ATM. I'll go at any time of day or night. I have always believed that attitude serves as an unseen bodyguard. I am not a victim. I won't ever be a victim and if you challenge me on that I will make you regret it.

Still I am not a complete idiot. There are times and places that I won't frequent it. But I never guess that they would have been so brazen. It was around 3:15 or so in the middle of the afternoon.

As I approached the ATM I made a point of looking around to see if there was any reason to be concerned. I saw a car full of guys but didn't pay much attention to them. They were too busy eating burgers and laughing. It never occurred to me that they might be interested in using me as an easy source of cash.

I am not quite sure exactly what happened, but I can give you an approximation. I had just finished taking my cash from the machine and was putting it in my pocket when I felt something slam into the middle of my back. The force of it slammed me into the wall and I fell down.

Down on all fours I was trying to figure out what had happened. When people talk about getting their bell rung, they are referring what happened to me. As I tried to gather myself I felt someone stick a hand in my right front pocket. That was a big mistake for them or lucky for me, I'll let you make the call.

I'd like to say that it was like the movies and that I stood up and mopped the floor with them, but that is not true. I pulled on their arm and rolled onto my right side pinning the arm beneath me. That's when I felt the another set of hands start pounding on my head.

So I tucked my chin and started abusing the body that was attached to the arm I was holding onto. At some point I turned or rolled and saw the waist of the guy who was pounding on me. I reached out and took his balls in my hand and did my best to remove them from his body.

It had the desired affect and he stopped hitting me long enough for me to stand up. At this point I had no clue how many people I was fighting, could be one, could be two, could be seven. All I knew was that I was getting my ass kicked and I was more than angry.

They tried to bear hug me from behind, another mistake. I threw my body backwards and slammed him into a car. There was a loud grunt and as he let go I turned around to face him.

Again, I'd like to say that this was the time when the good guy (me) took care of business. That is the way it works in the movies. Not only would I have beaten the crap out of these thugs I would have left them lying in a nice little heap ready to be hauled off to jail.

It didn't quite happen like that. When I turned to face the guy I had time to hit him twice. The first shot was beautiful. I can guarantee that it will be a long time before he is able to eat a steak. The second wasn't half bad either. He'll remember me.

And I of course will remember the asshole that hit me from behind again and again. Didn't knock me out. Didn't break any bones or cause any major damage other than my ego. I wanted a shot at him. I wanted an opportunity to square off face to face.

He deserved to be rewarded with the gift of five fingers, but it didn't really happen like that. I was too busy covering up, trying to see that I didn't end up in the hospital.

And so it was that a short time later I showed up at my house, bleeding from the mouth and in a rage. They hadn't taken any of my cash. I am nothing if not stubborn, relentless in my pursuit of what I want.

But I have to wonder if the pain I suffered was worth the hundred bucks they would have taken. Aww fuck it! It absolutely was. If I have any regrets it is that I didn't put leave them in need of the kind of care the VA specializes in.

And on a side note the interesting thing about this is that it released a slew of memories. The guy that I used to be had a couple of fights here and there. As I stand here looking in the mirror it is like traveling back in time.

The glint in my eyes is back. It is not a happy glint, nor a sad one. It is angry and forbidding. It is my don't fuck with me look. It is my I almost hope you push me too far look.

Maybe I haven't grown up at all. Maybe I am still that angry kid. Or maybe I am not. What I fear now is not the future, that is too far away. No, what I fear now is what the morning will bring.

At 25 it was more than a little painful to wake up the day after. Now it is going to be miserable.

2008 MLB All-Star Game

Just finished watching the hated A.L. defeat the N.L. again. 15 innings later and it is over. Feh. Of course I could have live blogged the game but didn't feel like it.

The big kid hung out for a large portion of it, but eventually sleep called and he answered. Carried him to bed and marveled at how tall he has gotten. I'll blink and he'll be my size.

I remember being his age like it was yesterday. Girls were at best to be tolerated, I never did believe that I'd ever be interested in them. Ok, so I was really wrong about that. But I was absolutely correct about Reggie Jackson in the '78 series. He should have been out.

And now it is time to post about other things.

My New Desk- I Have To Get One

I love this new desk from Details. Here is a short blurb about it.

"The Walkstation is the fully integrated combination of an electric height-adjustable worksurface with an exclusively engineered, low speed commercial grade treadmill. And it’s the first product in the entirely new FitWork™ category of products from Details designed to bring healthy habits to sedentary workers while they are actually working."

Seriously, this would be outstanding. A simple and effective way to stay in shape.

Mornings, Boys and More

I don't like mornings and I don't like how I sound here. Pumped out my chest? Meant to say puffed out, oy. Get me some coffee.

Fools of Prophecy- Dancing in My House

Spent a little time dancing with the kids to this:

Art I Wish That I Could Create

One of the primary purposes of this blog is to serve as a creative outlet. My mind is filled with images that swoop and swirl all over the place. There are beeps and whistles, horns, hoots and hollers.

Inside my head there are great chasms of darkness, empty swaths of desert and endless seas. It is a cliche, but I have visions and dreams that I can live a thousand lifetimes in. Inside my skull I see possibilities and potential.

Given time, given motivation, given opportunity I can bring some of that out into the light and translate it into something you can see. Inside my head it feels like the ocean is constantly pounding against the rocks, churning and burning. The roar never stops.

Sometimes it is soothing. Sometimes it is peaceful. And other times it is the epitome of storm. The sea rages and I do all that can to stay afloat.

So here my friends is an imperfect and incomplete list of things art that I wish to create. Some of these things may happen within my lifetime and some may not. In some cases the limits exist solely because of my own ability.

Now understand that I HATE to say that there are limits to what I can do, but reality speaks. I cannot paint like Picasso. I am not a crazy Dutchman like Van Gogh. But maybe I'll find a way to create that image I see.

1) Movies- I have more than one movie inside me. I have action, adventure, drama and love stories.

2) Books- There is more than one locked inside me.

3) Painting- I wish that I could take what I see and show it to you. It is so very hard not to be able to communicate it.

4) Song- I suppose that I can write a song. I could learn how to read and write music. But what I want is to be able to sing it. I want a voice filled with power and passion that stops people in their tracks.

Give it to me and I'll find songs that make you stop in your tracks. Truly, if I could you'd hear me sing a song that would make you weep with joy and sorrow.

5) Musical instrument- One day I'd like to learn how to play. The thing is that I want to play more than one. I want to be a master at many. But life is far too brief.

I don't fear death. As my grandfather ZL said, when death comes for me I plan on giving him a surprise. As he begins to embrace me I'll kick him in the balls, punch him in the mouth and poke him in the eyes. (Note to self, this is called the Three Stooges method of avoiding death) And then I'll run like hell.

What I do fear is living a life that is devoid and empty of happiness.

A Few Notes and Some Music

I suppose that it is time to provide an update to Books I Want To Read- A Follow Up. Haven't managed to read The Tipping Point yet. Been meaning to, but frankly I keep forgetting to pick up an edition.

Been waiting for a sequel to come out in the Fire and Ice series as well as the newest Thomas Covenant series too. Got all sorts of other books in the hopper as well. The only thing that I don't have is enough time to read them.

Speaking of time it seems that all sorts of people I know are complaining that they don't have any. It is a bit of a personal peeve of mine, this claim of no time. If someone is important you'll find a way to communicate and if they aren't well you'll ignore them or give silly excuses as to why you can't talk.

And now for a few songs from my iTunes:

Love, Reign O'er Me-The Who
Behind Blue Eyes- The Who
One Less Set Of Footsteps - Jim Croce

My friend from the Loveless Marriage post continues to flounder around. I understand and accept that this is her call, her decision. But I have to say that if you are married to a man who shows his devotion by calling you a word that rhymes with grunt, you have picked a real winner.

That is the type of guy who doesn't deserve to be punched in the mouth. A guy like that gets slapped, back handed across the face. That probably doesn't make sense to a lot of you, but where I come from it would be seen as an insult. And it is not the kind of insult that you just shrug off, at least not if you are a mensch and this man is not.

Some of you probably wonder why she married the guy. I haven't the answer, haven't really considered why she settled. It is not really my place to ask it any more than it would be to tell her that he has a forehead that you could show a double feature on. I don't know, maybe she is into that sort of neanderthal kind of look.

I have to make a note not to show her this post. It is a bit unfair for me to write, but it comes from the right place.

Sometimes I wish that I had a crystal ball and that I could see the future. Sometimes I wish that I peel back the veil and see what is going to happen to me. Sometimes I wonder what period of time I want to see, how far ahead would I look.

Would it be months, years or decades. Maybe I'll blog about this, but before I do I'll share some more songs with you.

Don't stop (thinking about tomorrow)-Fleetwood Mac
Love Rollercoaster- Ohio Players
Hold On I'm Comin'-Sam & Dave

Some Links That Caught My Eye

Smart stethoscope-based on the principle that blood flow through restricted arteries sounds different to the flow through healthy vessels. The device listens to the noise that the blood makes as it flows though the heart, filters out any unwanted background noise and then looks for the telltale signs that artery disease is present.

The Synagogue World’s Four Letter Word: RSVP-And some people are simply above the law, with lines like the immortal, “Oh, you know me, I never RSVP for these things,” as though RSVPing were like choosing the right style of dress for the occasion, or knowing what goes with white wine at a meal. Another reliable excuse in this category is, “Oh, but you knew I would be there; I always come to these!”

GPS Locator For Alzheimer's Patients-There's plenty of people-tracking GPS devices out there to choose from, but if you're in need of something a bit more specialized, you may want to consider this latest device from Keruve, which is apparently intended specifically for Alzheimer's patients. To that end, the system employs a GPS tracker bracelet that's water-proof and can only be removed with a special tool --

The 411 on Your Next Cellphone-Crisp Photos, Big Pictures,PC-Grade Computing and Graphics, One-Touch Security

Potential Book Titles

Sleeping With The Rabbi- Tales of Sexual holiness

Sleeping With The Rabbi- Blessed Sex

Sleeping With The Rabbi- A Sexual Blessing

Sleeping With The Rabbi- Even a holy man snores

Haveil Havalim #173: The Wait For Avrech To Name It Edition

Welcome to the latest edition of Haveil Havalim, the Best of the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere. Read, comment and enjoy.

Israel

Breath of The Beast says Sometimes War IS the Answer- Ask any Recovering Victim of Abuse. LOZ asks/states The Consolidation of Two Israels?

Seraphic Secret asks and answers Will Israel Attack Iran? Duh. Check out the TerrorWonk's Force vs. FARC: Israel's Contribution.

Judeopundit covered MPAC-UK asks "Will The Zio-Powers Attack Iran?"

This Normal Life asks Bridge of Strings: Monstrosity or Beauty?

At Tzipiyah you can read "If you Will it, It is no Dream"" Binyamin Zeev Herzl. Soccer Dad has news about Israel's International Influence (The Good Kind).

Imagine that you are a screenwriter and in search of new material you might want to read the following: Israel Becoming Popular Source For TV Shows In US.

Yid With Lid says that Norman Finkelstein Hits NEW LOW and shares Abbas' PA Continues Anti-Israel Blood Libel.

Tomer Devorah says Eisav Wants the Birthright Back. Ben-Yehudah wrote More Tapu'ah Nights Live!

I don't think that most bus riders are interested in this sort of rout. Imshin has strong feelings take a look at Despicable man.

Leora's post When Ancient is New reminded me of an amazing experience I had in Hezekiah's tunnel.

At Antigonos' Annals you can read about The Cousins. In other news The Velveteen Rabbi spends a day with ICAHD -- the Israeli Committee Against House Demolitions.

You might want to read Avodah Aravit. At Shiloh Musings you can read That's Why!

Judaism

The XGH asks Why people become Conservative. Hirhurim shared Symposium: Why People Become Orthodox IV.

Ilana -Davita offered Before Pirkei Avot: The Torah. From Writing The Wrongs Secular Don't Want 'Judaism' - But Seek 'Torah'.

This sort of behavior is unacceptable, Israel - Followers Make Plane Wait 90 Minutes for Rabbi and His Staff.

Ima Shalom shared He's a He, I'm a She. KRG discussed Holey Cow!

Sheyna wants to know Yes, But Did It Speak?

From Ezzie we have Charedi Community: The Good & The Bad. On a different tack you should Gila's post Ki Iti El"

Yaldah Publishing has a A Shabbos-Related Reading Poll. LOZ sent in The Histical Resonance of Yiftach (or an Ancient-Day Prof. Kedar).

You can help provide answers on a survey about Yiddish words. Want to know more, click here.

Dan writes The All-Spiritual Afterlife, the Torah, and Me. (Jewish Olam Haba) Part Four and The All-Spiritual Afterlife, the Torah, and Me. Part Five .

Shira offers How to put on the head tefillin undercover and a useful discussion about Frumspeak, so you can ask her what to do about the BT's who are learning the ABCs with the FFBs etc. Just remember to use your thumbs while talking.

Jameel has the scoop on the Anywhere in Israel program.

Abacaxi Mamão wrote Text Two: Torah's Relationship to Me. While over at the Jew and the Carrot they have Hummus-related Mishegaas.

That leads me to The Jerusalemite who says make it a Hummus Weekend. And to complete the hummus trifecta go read This and That.

A Simple Jew continues to run his Q&A series With Akiva Of Mystical Paths - "Aseh Lecha Rav"
Prof K discusses appropriate reading in Moving Beyond Fishele and Fraydele.

Yehuda shared Four Assumptions Created the Bible: a Lecture by Prof James Kugel.

Batya asks a question at The Pigua and The Parsha. LOZ blogged Hallel and No Tahanun for July 4th.

Rafi has the skinny on The next ban: Vaseline and Hellman's Mayonnaise. From Yo Yenta you can read Southern Jewish Life in the News, Part One.

RivkA discussed Shabbat in Hareisha. Cosmic X presents The Amazing Private M., Bravery, and the Spirit of the Lord.

Therapydoc has the scoop on Single Jewish Female Seeks. . .



Politics

Frume Sarah is Between a Rock and a Hard Place. Barbara's post is Just Because They Are Women.

My buddy Attila is proud to say We can believe in it. Boker Tov Boulder has words for The Huffington Post.

Daled Amos remarks If You Think The Price of Gas Here Is Bad--Look At Israel .

There are all sorts of lessons to be had from reading the classics. Consider this: Jane Austen on Killing Jihadists.

Jewish Atheist has a blurb about a new blog. Over at Writes Like She Talks you can mull over Immigration - remember that topic?

From our friend the Elder of Ziyon UNRWA official shows his bias.

Meryl is upholding her second amendment rights. Revolvers are great for taking care of cat problems, oops, probably best not to mention my love for felines to her.

Smooth shared Muslims continue to lie about Jews in America.

Someone should ask Bernie what he thinks about PETA. Or perhaps take a moment to ask DryBones about Iran's Missiles.

At My Right Word read Support Harry's Place. At Solomonia you can peruse Cairo to Damascus: Recruiting for the Jihad in Britain.

Gateway Pundit wrote about more shameful behavior from the Iranians: Iran Pulls Swimmer From Olympic Trials After He Draws Same Heat As Israeli Athlete.

Daniel Pipes blogged How Europe's Counterterrorism Laws Differ from America's.

Miscellaneous

We learn from Verbatim the name of the American breakfast joint that Jameel The Waffle Master is intent on crushing.

Juggling Frogs is blogging again. Check out My knife block overfloweth.

Gila discussed Miracle Hunting. The Babysitter isn't fond of Spoiling Children.

Over at Tzvee's blog you can read about another Jewish ballplayer, Times: Youkilis is an All Star (TTB: and a Jew).

Soccer Dad found A Contrived Palindrome, Madam I'm Adam. ;) I probably should pay attention to what the good rabbi has to say at I'm not deceiving myself, I just think positively.

Besides he offers The Next Phase in Rabbinic Training: SimCity, SimPlant, SimChildren, SimShuls.

Our favorite cartoon character Snoopy knows The real Harun Yahya and UCU conundrum - remarks of an outsider.

Heshy has an answer for what to tell your date if you need a long bathroom break. Sometimes the secret language is not a secret at all.

Frume Sarah knows about The Darkened Corners . Balashon explores av and em.

Perhaps someone can explain why a Walk in The Mall is so difficult. Sometimes the wish you make is answered many years later. Read a A Balding Scalp.

Elisson shared GOING BROKE(N) .
Sarah did a bit of guest blogging with The (Suit)case of the "Disappearing" Shofarot.

Shira is going to help organize a blogger get together. I wrote The Challenge of Aging
For information about hosting, email Jack at talktojacknow-at-sbcglobal-dot-net.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of haveil havalim using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

The Challenge of Aging

Just some crap that is circulating through the empty space between my ears. Had to move my grandparents again. They now live in a facility that provides more care. In many ways it has been great. They receive the attention they need and there is a lot less stress upon them and us.

But it is not easy to see them there. It is not quite skilled nursing, but it is not really living on your own. It is a place in between the two, and it is probably the last home they'll ever have.

It is selfish, but I miss their old apartment in Hollywood. I miss driving through Laurel Canyon to go see them. I miss looking at the houses in the hills, peering out to catch the ruins of Houdini's place.

I miss hiking up to the third floor, listening to the echoes of our steps. I miss swimming in their pool and walking down Fairfax to grab an ice cream cone. I miss going down the street to Farmers Market.

I won't tell them, but this place will never be their home to me. When they left the apartment for Leisure Village in Camarillo I was a bit disappointed, but that place had a lot of charm. They had a little two bedroom house on a golf course. We'd head over early Sunday morning and enjoy brunch with them.

I'd take the kids outside and we'd wait for the wild hares to come bounding through. I'd pretend to be a wolf and chase them and the kids would roar with laughter. But eventually it got to be too hard. They were too far away for any of us to get to quickly and they just couldn't do it all on their own. So they moved to a place that was five minutes from my folks.

For a few years it worked out nicely, but as their bodies continued to break down they began to require more and more help. Eventually it became clear that they had to go somewhere that provided more support.

Overall their minds are still there. They may be a bit slow and some memories have faded, but they know what is going on.

My grandfather took me aside again and told me that he lived too long. Told me that he could handle outliving his money, but that not being able to take care of grandma was killing him. It is not the first time he has talked to me about this, but it is hard for both of us.

"Jack, I remember giving your grandmother piggy-back rides. She'd hop on my back and I'd just run."

"You see that old woman and I see the girl I kissed in high school."

He paused and looked away, or maybe I did. Either way it doesn't matter, we both needed a moment.

We shared the silence and I reached over and held his hand. He giggled and asked when my hands got to be so big. I smiled and reminded him that I have been bigger than him since the first Clinton administration. He is a political junkie so he appreciated the remark.

As we sat there I mulled it all over, just took it all in. He gave me some advice about this and that and told me to remember that I have years to accomplish my dreams. Reminded me that he wasn't saying to relax and not try to make them happen now, but to relax and understand that if I work I can make them happen.

And now for a side confession. Throughout my life I have been gifted with physical strength. Those who believe in astrology will say it is because I am a Taurus. I'll say that is good genes and a few hours a day carrying my desk around with me.

The point is that when grandpa said that you don't understand how hard it is when you realize you can't pick your girl up anymore it stuck with me. I can't conceive of that. I just can't conceive of a time when I am so weak that I can't muscle my way through things.

I am not foolish enough to believe that I can outrun the clock forever, but does time have to take everything away. The next time I put together a list of things I am afraid of I can add that to the list.

Isn't it nice to know that the fragile male ego is so helpful.

Anyway, it wasn't easy to see them in there. I am very thankful that at 39 I still have two grandparents. It is my good fortune, it really is. But I'd be lying if I said that the new joint didn't give me a few heebie jeebies.

Speaking of that, the big boy wants to know how you get heebie jeebies. I told him that you can find them at a special store called "The Willies." Guess where he wants me to take him.

Ain't life grand.

Baseball- The WSJ Balks

The Journal has a story called The Decline of the National League that really misses the mark. The writer makes the case that the National League is inferior to the American League and cites a number of stats that support that.

What bothers me about this piece is that it really falls flat. The writer spends a good amount of time explaining why he believes his assertion to be true and then finishes off with an acknowledgment that the game is cyclical.

Coincidentally I had a similar conversation with a rabid Sox fan who tried to convince me that the A.L. was so far superior that the N.L. should just give up. I suppose that this is one time where age serves me well. At 39 I remember well the dominance of the N.L.

Anyway, I'll share a few pieces of the article with you.

"They play the same game. They pick from the same pool of players. For some reason, though, they don't get the same results.

By just about every measure, the 16 teams in Major League Baseball's National League are inferior to the 14 in the American League. The AL has won 11 of the last 16 World Series, including three of the last four. The annual All-Star Game, to be played Tuesday, has practically become a farce: Not counting a 2002 tie, the AL has won 10 straight.

Since baseball began interleague play in 1997 -- where teams from the two leagues play a handful of regular-season games against each other -- the AL is increasingly dominating. This year has been the second-most lopsided ever, with the AL winning 59% as of Thursday afternoon.

The plight of the NL seems rooted in a chain of events that began in 1973 when the AL adopted the designated-hitter rule -- which allows for the pitchers to be replaced in the batting order by a full-time hitter who doesn't play in the field. The disparity was spurred by new ballpark construction; an unprecedented crop of young power hitters who, for various reasons, almost all fell to the AL; a series of disastrous trades and free-agent signings by NL teams; and a tradition of innovation in the AL that began in the mid-1990s with the Oakland A's."

I'll spare you my comments about how why I dislike the D.H. and instead share one more excerpt from the article.

"To be fair, baseball is cyclical. From 1963 to 1982, the NL won 19 of 20 All-Star Games and 12 of 20 World Series titles. John Schuerholz, president of the NL's Atlanta Braves, says there's no "magic dust" that gives the AL greater scouting intelligence. But for now, the record is not pretty. "I admit to that," he says."

Like I said, the article doesn't really go anywhere. You start out with this song and dance about the decline of the N.L. and then finish with a comment about how the same thing happened to the A.L.

Whoops.

Secrets of The One Night Stand Revealed

Live Science is always good for an interesting article or two. Not unlike many other publications some of the news deals with the obvious. This story about One Night Stands touches upon that. Where else can you read that men lower their standards and women feel flattered.

"When it comes to one-night stands, men and women are poles apart. Guys just want, well, you know, while gals go to bed with the false impression of flattery and a craving for feeling desirable.

The upshot, according to new research, is great for most men and the pits for most women. The study goes further under the covers, delving into the nuances of casual sex and its potential as a Venus-and-Mars minefield.

Among the findings: Women were not hooking up in an effort to secure a long-term beau, but because they felt flattered by the overnight proposition.

They were mistaken.

As the researcher points out, men lower their standards when it comes to one-night stands, so the presumed flattery is a fantasy or close to it.

"Often [women] said things like, 'I felt so flattered, so happy that he found me attractive. It was so nice to be wanted,'" said researcher Anne Campbell, a psychologist at Durham University in England. "What women don't seem to see is that men drop their standards massively for a one-night stand."

Click here to read the whole story.

Walking Through The Mall Part I

Background notes: (Believe it or not there are many times that I censor myself on this blog. There are stories that I do not tell, things that are not shared with the denizens of the Shack.

Sometimes those stories are kept to myself because they are too embarrassing to be shared. Sometimes they are hidden in the dark recesses of my mind because at my advanced age I just plain forgot that they ever happened. And sometimes they are blogged about but never published because I can’t find a proper way to tell the tale.

You know how it goes, you try to tell someone a funny story but find yourself resorting to the old “you had to be there to appreciate it” line. If the post doesn’t pass that test than I won’t press publish, at least I try not to. Truth is that there are more than one or two posts that probably shouldn’t be live, but that is story for a different day.)

Today's story comes to you courtesy of the fine people that populate our roads, freeways and shopping malls. You see I recently had need of some new attire so I decided to frequent one of the local shopping malls as I felt that it offered the best selection of fashions that Jack might choose to wear.

Who know that an attempt go Beau Brummeling could or would lead to so much nonsense. With great anticipation I jumped into the Jack Mobile and began my journey to the mall. While safely cocooned inside my vehicle I noticed that people were exceptionally friendly. Every mile or so they'd stick their hands outside of their cars and wave their fingers at me.

Since I didn't want to seem unfriendly I made a point to give them the same salute, but since I like to offer my own special touch I made sure to add a little honk of my horn. One lady in a Lexus was especially so touched by my efforts she made a point of following me to the mall parking lot.

Lady: Hey you! Where did you learn to drive?
Jack: In a car. Where did you learn how to drive?

Lady: Very funny smartass.
Jack: I am sorry, I don't understand.

Lady: What do you mean you don't understand. Where are you from, Pluto.
Jack: Is that near cleveland?

Lady: Why? Are you from Ohio?
Jack: No way. My parents had enough sense to stay out of that place.

Lady: You are a real winner. Some lady must be ever so proud to have you.
Jack: Proud to have me do what?

The lady must have had a sudden gas pain or headache because she suddenly screamed and called me a couple of names that were not complimentary. And then she up and left, probably to go to the closest psych ward because she was crazy.

With a shrug of my shoulders I prepared to run the gauntlet of people and cars in the parking lot. It is moments like this where I wish that my life was accompanied by a soundtrack. The camera would focus upon me as I gazed out upon the parking lot, searching for the perfect path to the stores. A soft drumbeat would play, growing louder as I walked.

Sadly that is not an option, at least not until I start carrying speakers for my iPod. That could be kind of cool. Any time I have to deal with customer service I could play the theme to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

I hadn't made it more than a few steps towards the entrance when a man holding a clipboard approached me.

Clipboard Boy: Are you registered to vote?
Me: I am a Taurus.

Clipboard Boy: I am a Gemini.
Me: It must suck to have to deal with that evil twin all day long. I don't know how you do it.

(A momentary look of confusion passed across his face and then he spoke.)

Clipboard Boy: I'd like to speak with you about your vote in the election.
Me: My erection works just fine, but I have to give credit to the nice man who sends me those great email notes. Those pills really work.

Clipboard Boy: Sir, I didn't say erection. I want to speak about...
Me: Don't be shy, from time to time it happens to all of us.

Clipboard Boy: The election isn't a joke.
Me: Neither is being impotent.

Clipboard Boy: No, you're right. But I really want to talk to you about the direction our country is going in.
Me: You know you're only supposed to take one of those little blue pills at a time. The direction of our country, hah! Everyone knows that Europe revolves around the U.S. of A.

Clipboard Boy: While you are making jokes people are dying.
Me: Ok good sir, I wouldn't want people to die laughing. What is it you need?

Clipboard Boy: This November you have the opportunity to send a message to the people of the U.S. and the world.
Me: Why wait until November. Thanks to the magic of the Internet I can send a message to the world right now.

Oddly enough clipboard boy glared at me and took off in the direction of some other lost soul, and thus my quest to get inside the mall began anew. I'd like to say that it was without incident, but that wouldn't be true.

There was a brief exchange between myself and the driver of a dinged up Rav-4. The crazy broad behind the wheel forced me to prove that old Jack is still nimble. She came flying around the corner at a speed best not used in the parking lot. With the radio blasting Donna Summer's Last Dance she was be-bopping behind the wheel and not paying attention to the road.

It forced me to jump out of the way, causing me to crash into a Honda Odyssey. Fortunately the Odyssey had a large dent in the side, which served as a impromptu hidey-hole for me. Had it not I would have been road kill.

That is kind of an ignoble way to die, turned into road kill. Just what I want, to be a human splatter to be wiped up with a hose and cheap shmata. But as I have what some refer to as the P.O.P. I didn't suffer such a silly fate.

Crazy Broad: Get out of the way, you walk too slow.
Me: Right. If your brushed that frizzy hair out of your eyes and turned off the oldies station you might actually notice the pedestrians.

Crazy Broad: Screw you.
Me: That is quite an offer.

Crazy Broad: I didn't offer.
Me: That is ok, I didn't accept.

Crazy Broad: You only wish that you had the chance.
Me: I like a woman who dreams big. Big hair, big mouth....

Stay tuned for Part II

London Restaurant Tries To Solve Gas Crisis

I think that I'll let others try this out first. Forgive me for being crass, but I fear eating something that will cause flames to shoot out of my ass.

LONDON (AFP) - A London restaurant was serving up Thursday what it hopes will be confirmed as the world's hottest curry, with even the chef admitting it is "too extreme" to keep on the menu.

Vivek Singh at The Cinnamon Club grabbed some of the hottest chilli peppers known to man to create the Bollywood Burner, a lamb-based dish with a fierce kick.

The curry is so hot that diners are asked to sign a disclaimer confirming they are aware of the risks involved before daring to eat it.

The Bollywood Burner is being submitted to Guinness World Records for verification of its status as the planet's hottest curry. The verdict should be announced within three weeks.

Student Toby Steele, 19, from Brighton on the southern English coast, was the first to taste the Bollywood Burner.

"I'm usually a korma man and I suspect this is the hottest thing I've ever tasted," he said.

"It was nice actually, you could really taste the spices.

"The initial taste isn't that hot but now, a couple of minutes later, I feel a bit floaty and light-headed."

The dish, inspired by cuisine from Hyderabad in southern India, includes the Naga and its seeds -- confirmed by Guinness World Records as the hottest chilli pepper in the world.

On the Scoville scale of piquancy, the Naga scores 855,000 -- more than 100 times hotter than the jalapeno, which measures 8,000 on the scale.

The Face In The Mirror

It is a few minutes before 1 am and I can't sleep. The truth is that I haven't even tried to close my eyes. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be at the computer, but the great brain has decided that I am 20 years younger than I am.

Twenty years ago you never would have found me in bed before 1:30. I was and still am a night owl. I love this time of night, there is something so very relaxing about it. Ok, the rules of the blog dictate honesty so I have to confess that twenty years ago I probably wasn't studying, at least not at this time of night.

Into the bathroom I head to brush my teeth and prepare myself for bed. I look in the mirror and stare at the face looking back at me. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I don't recognize that guy. I keep looking for that 19 or 20 year old I used to be.

The guy with the flat top haircut, washboard abs, hazel eyes and the metabolism that let me eat anything and not gain weight. Really, he is there. I know that one of these days I am going to look in the mirror and see him looking back at me.

'Cuz that 39 year-old with the dark circles beneath his eyes can't really be me. When did those lines in my forehead appear. The five o'clock shadow is consistent, had that for years and years now.

The abs aren't quite what they used to be. Things are a bit softer down that way than they used to be. If I flex I can still see the cuts in my stomach, but that doesn't hide the reality of good eating.

Sometimes I look at that guy in the mirror and wonder who he is. I just don't recognize him. And then I consider what would happen if I really did see that guy from the 80s looking back at me. The t-shirt and Levis wouldn't be much different from now, but the look in his eyes would. Would I really recognize him. Would I really want to be that guy again.

Sometimes I wonder.

Decisions and Dilemmas

Decisions and dilemmas. Sounds like some sort of stupid soap opera or ridiculous game show, doesn't it. But it is an apt description for what is going on right now.

Alone in the night I walk along a path that is unlit, untraveled and unknown. There is no moonlight to guide my steps or map to confer with. Alone in the dark, just my thoughts and the echoes of my footsteps. Do I walk cautiously and carefully throughout the night and hope to avoid twisting my ankle on unseen hazards or do I go full speed ahead with reckless abandon.

I am not being melodramatic. I am not trying to wax poetic. All I am trying to do is make sense of the challenges presented before myself. My frustration level is high. I don't like having things hanging over my head.

There are decisions to be made and the consequences of those decisions to be dealt with.

The funny thing in a not so funny way is that the last part of that sentence is not meant to be harsh. Consequences do not have to be bad or harmful. The consequence of eating a fine meal can be a very pleasant experience.

My grandfather OBM spoke to me of enjoying the adventures of life. I know what he meant, each day the meaning becomes more clear. But sometimes the joy of the journey is tempered by the trials of the way.

It is not quite like riding a horse with no name through the desert, but it sure is good to be out of the rain. Bonus points to the three readers who recognize the reference.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is a collection of angst, my angst. Sometimes it feels like a repository of pain and embarrassment. Sometimes it feels like a very unhappy joint. I don't particularly like that. Dark streak or not, it is not what I want.

The purpose is not to be a receptacle of rage but a refuge. It is a place in which I can explore those decisions and dilemmas. A juke joint that offers opportunity to consider the best method of moving ahead. Cryptic and goofy, but I am not at liberty to offer more than that.

Pokemon- The Confession

Within the last six months my son has turned into a Pokemon fanatic. I should clarify that it is the card game that he and his pals have gotten into.

The big guy loves the game and wants to play it regularly, with me. Ok, I love to play games with him, most games, that is. I am having trouble getting into Pokemon. In fact, I just don't like it.

That is not to say that I dislike it, but it is not high on my list. I keep trying to get into it, I want to. I really want to, but...

Sorry Little Jack, it is just not for me. The good news is that we have a million other things that we do like to do together.

A Blog Gasping For Breath

A few years back my pal Chaim asked if I would participate in a group blog called The Jewish Connection. I thought that it was a great idea and was quite happy to participate.

For a while the blog moved along quite nicely, but not unlike so many other group blogs it floundered a bit. I don't think that the hiccups were caused by lack of interest, but by lack of time.

We're all busy people and there is only so many ways that you can split your time among responsibilities and hobbies. Anyway, the blog still exists and from time to time you can find new posts there.

Here is a partial list of some of the posts I wrote there.

The J-Blogosphere is Our Community
Sex And The Yeshiva Life
Dealing With Missionaries
Does Judaism need G-d?
Why be Jewish
A Jewish Education Revisited and New Thoughts

P.S. Most, but not all of these posts were crossposted here as well.

One of my goals is to read some of my opinion posts again and see if I still agree with the positions I had taken. I am curious to see if I come to the same conclusions.

Use The Toilet and Make Money

Here is something that most of us probably have never thought about.

"The remote town of Musiri in the Tamil Nadu state has hit upon a unique idea to teach its residents proper hygiene: Pay them money each time they use the toilet.

Users can make up to $0.14 a month to relieve themselves in a specially constructed toilet. Not a princely sum, but it's extra cash flow that low-income residents can make just for answering nature's call.

The government-backed program serves two purposes: It encourages people to discard age-old practices of urinating and defecating in the open, leading to diseases. And the waste products go into research to test their effectiveness as fertilizers.

"We're motivating people to know the value of their urine," said Marathi Subburaman, who came up with the novel idea. "The urine that is collected goes into fields for paddy crops, and of course the feces becomes good compost in a matter of months."

Aid groups estimate that more than 330 million people in India do not have access to proper sanitation facilities. And in the case of Musiri, many residents relieve themselves on river banks, leading to infectious diseases such as diarrhea.

And while both governmental and non-governmental agencies have taken on projects to build toilets in rural areas, they also have had to undertake campaigns to encourage people to use them.

The Musiri plan seems to be working, Subburaman said. About 150 residents use the eco-sanitation toilet daily. It has special chambers that collect the fecal matter that researchers then use as fertilizer.

It's a win-win scenario, said Subburaman.

His nonprofit Society for Community Organisation and People's Education (SCOPE) has teamed up with Tamil Nadu Agricultural University, and the two are studying how much urine is needed to fertilize a field.

"Next year, we can install urine banks so we can sell the urine to farmers," he said."

Here are some more bathroom tales from the blog:

Jack's Experience In the Ladies Room
For A Good Time Call...
New & Improved Toilet- Fish 'n Flush
Urine For a Tale- Or Pissed Off About Peeing
High Tech Toilet Seat

Finnish wife-carrying- Yum Beeeeerrrrrr

Aussie Dave Lost His Father

So Sorry to hear this Baruch Dayan Emet.

Birthday Party Politics

It is hard to believe that it is time to plan and execute another birthday party for the dark haired beauty that calls me daddy. That little girl works overtime on perfecting new and improved ways to try and manipulate me into doing her bidding.

Fortunately I grew up in a houseful of more sisters than you can shake a stick at so I am endowed with mighty resistance power, except when she climbs into my lap and starts kissing my face and telling me she loves me. That is the kryptonite to my mighty resistance power, fortunately I always have a backup plan. I'd tell you what it is but the little girl might read this and use that knowledge against me.

So the time comes to make arrangements for her party and I find out from her mother that there are five kids in her class that have birthdays in July. Not just that, but before school ended some of these moms decided to try and negotiate when the parties would take place. To quote one, "we don't want to create conflict by having the parties on the same day."

My thought was "hell yes we do." That is the perfect way to cut down on the number of crazy kids running amok, but alas I was overruled on this. Not that I cared that much one way or another. If the mothers feel the need to discuss this, so be it.

And so they assembled the mommy diplomatic corps to engage in the heavy and intense negotiations of determining when the parties would take place. Apparently this was a painless and easy experience which is kind of disappointing. Had there been finger pointing and shouting I could have written a much more interesting post.

In fact I offered to send an email out that said:

Dear Parents,

Your child is an ugly monkey who has no friends, is disruptive in class and in dire need of a remedial potty training.

Not to mention that the parenting skills exhibited by you and your spouse resemble those of the Bonobo monkeys which leads me to believe that you spent the months preceding childbirth watching countless episodes of National Geographic and the Crocodile Hunter.

That is great if you are raising real animals, but relatively useless for humans. Thankfully school is over and we won't be forced to pretend to like you or be nice to you and Cheetah. Your party sucks and you need a life.

Kind regards,

The Jacks

As you can imagine the above email is fictional and was never written. In fact this whole post just might be fiction, or maybe not. And now if you'll excuse me it is time to club baby seals and praise the wonderful spawn of my loins.

All hail The Shmata Queen for escaping cleveland.

A Whale of an Invention

I thought that that this is very cool:

LONDON, United Kingdom (CNN) -- Medicine has much to learn from nature. There are literally millions of medical compounds out there that could cure diseases, help improve treatment and even protect us from some types of bacteria.cientists have been tapping into nature's resources for inspiration on how to treat humans.

Humpback whales, sea cucumbers and Australian red algae are just a few of the species leading the way in modern medicine.

The humpback whale has a design within its heart that could help save the lives of many patients suffering from heart disease.

With a heart that can pump six bath tubs of blood around a circulation system that is 4,500 times as complex as our own, and in only three heartbeats a minute, it has fascinated scientists as to how it manages this feat.

But it was while studying how the whale's heart is able to do this that Dr Jorge Reynolds-- (who placed the first external pacemaker in the body of a priest who survived for an additional 17 years) discovered nano-sized 'wires'. These wires allow electrical signals to stimulate the heartbeats even through masses of non-conductive blubber.

This discovery could be the key to replacing the traditional pacemaker, scientists say. Instead of having to install a battery-powered pacemaker the whale 'wires' could be used to stimulate heart beats.

Whale 'wires' could save the extra bouts of surgery, which are currently needed to replace the batteries in pacemakers.

It doesn't end there. There's also the added bonus of saving money. With the worldwide market for pacemakers expected to reach $3.7 billion by 2010, this technology, which costs only a few cents to make, could replace pacemakers and save billions.

At Ohio's Cleveland West Reserve University Jeffrey Capadona has pioneered the creation of a material that could help treat Parkinson's disease, stroke and spinal chord injuries.

This time the inspiration was the humble sea cucumber, whose skin can change from a rigid to flexible state with ease.

Capadona argues that tiny electrodes implanted into the brain are sometimes used to treat Parkinson's disease, stroke and spinal chord injuries. But they can become less effective over time as the body creates scar tissue around the hard implant.

Using this new material, which was based on the skin of sea cucumber, could improve treatment as the material can become less rigid and prolong its effectiveness.

Even red algae in Australia have provided inspiration to scientists who now believe they could help control some diseases.

Researchers from the University of New South Wales, Australia, discovered that the red algae found just off the coast was free from biofilms-- a congregation of bacteria that are the cause of 70 percent of all human infections.

Read the whole thing.

The Endless Weekend is Over

It was a busy, busy day. Spent untold hours in the garage assembling shelves and sorting through crap, clutter and chaos. There is nothing like the three C's to make your day. As I sit here puttering at the 'puter it occurs to me that I can consider this to have been a productive day.

Back in my heyday I would have said that I'd prefer to be reproductive than productive, but, aww who am I fooling. I am still in my heyday. Oh Captain, my captain, I shall let loose with my own Barbaric Yawp.

Listen to me roar and let my enemies tremble. Ok, one of these days I'll have to tell the story of the time I got in a fist fight in high school tried to intimidate the other guy by screaming at him. It didn't work so well. He hit me in the mouth.

But what did work was not falling down. I suspect that he wet his pants when I didn't turn tail and flee. And now these many years I can turn a different sort of tale.

Drove by the ruins of my old apartment building and stared at the framework of a new condo complex. I had neighbors who smoked so much marijuana I suspect that 13 years later the construction workers are going to get a contact high.

Lots more to share, but not enough time to do so. If you haven't been here in a while here is a list of recent posts. Beneath that is a partial list of the music I listened to while stuck in my garage.

I Have Turned Into My Father
She Broke My Penis
Surviving The Family Barbecue- July 4, 2008
Anonymous Blogging
What Is Your Number One Tip For Building Traffic to The Blog
Gas Prices- When Will It Stop
How Hard Is it To Audioblog
Steam Room Politics
What Should Children Learn in School?

And your blast from the past:
You Should be A Rabbi
Do you Have Blog Envy?

I Have Turned Into My Father

Best of Me Symphony

The Best of Me Symphony is now live. Click here to check it out.

Haveil Havalim #172: The Old Fogey Edition Is Live

It is time to read Haveil Havalim #172: The Old Fogey Edition.

She Broke My Penis

"Dad, She Broke My Penis," said the boy. Now there is a line that most men never want to hear. It evokes all sorts of painful and uncomfortable imagery, not to mention that this joint will show up in all sorts of weird Google searches now.

"Dad, She Broke My Penis." Don't ask me why I had to repeat that line. It is sort of like an accident on the freeway. You don't really want to look at it, but as you cruise on by you find yourself rubber necking the bloody mess.

Lines like that one are part of the joy of being a parent. Besides, as the parent equipped with the same anatomy the responsibility of dealing with this fell into my lap. That is ok, I don't really mind. Mom gets to deal with bodily fluids of all types, especially those labeled projectile.

It was early evening when the big boy told me about his newest injury. There was a tug on the arm and then the earnest expression that accompanied with the tale of how this incident took place.

For a moment I was tempted to go Joe Friday on him and conduct a thorough investigation. If only he would have asked me while I was working on the computer. I could have easily played the theme to Dragnet.

Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Jimmy: Officer, I'd like to report a broken penis.
Timmy: A broken penis?

Jimmy: Yes, a broken penis.
Timmy: Tell me when was the penis broken?

Jimmy: It was broken during Pokemon.
Timmy: Pokemon? Did you encourage someone to assault said penis.?

Jimmy: No, I was playing Pokemon and my sister kicked me in the penis.
Timmy: She kicked you in the penis? Was it dead on or a glancing blow.

Jimmy: She didn't look at it, She kicked it.
Timmy: Can you describe the girl that kicked it?

Jimmy: She has the same last name as us and she tried to bite me too.
Timmy: Poor Me Too. However did he escape.

Jimmy: No one is named Me Too.
Timmy: I should hope not. That would be a terrible thing for parents to do.

Jimmy: Can you help me fix my penis?
Timmy: What exactly is wrong with it?

Ok, none of that Dragnet bit took place, but if it had I am pretty sure that it would have been close to what I wrote. Anyway, the information is pretty close to that which was exchanged between the lad and I.

I of course began a thorough investigation as to the genesis of this incident. The last thing I need is a "broken penis epidemic," although it would make good blog fodder.

Since I grew up with more sisters than you shake a stick at I was well familiar with the attempt by the boy to garner more sympathy and in turn cause more trouble for his sister. I have to admit that I thought that I had filled my parent's ears with every line one could come up with, but accusations of "breaking a penis" never crossed my lips.

The boy has a certain style and imagination. I like that. But I am the father and I can't have disorder in the ranks so I never let on that I appreciated his attempt. I did make a point to confirm that there are several ways to prove that your penis works just fine. Needless to say that this made for great conversation and should have been videotaped for posterity. You just know that one day his wife and kids would want to see this momentous occasion memorialized.

But because I love him dearly I would never tape such a conversation. Although I must admit that there was an inkling to do so because you never know when a teenage boy might need extra incentive to behave.

So how was your Saturday?

Surviving The Family Barbecue- July 4, 2008

Summer is my favorite time of year. Even though I have been out of school for years and years the end of Spring still makes me itch for summer. There is something about this time of year that gets the old ticker beating hotter.

Years ago it was anticipating a good summer romance, endless possibilities filled my summers. I never knew exactly what would happen, just the certainty that I would head back to school with a million new stories to tell.

This year I was granted yet another chance to engage in a practical application of the old saw, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family."

There is nothing better than going to the old family barbecue so that you can be subjected to the pompous proclamations of a know-it-all and his self inflated sense of self. And did I mention that this preening peacock resembles the bird in more ways than one. If not you let me do so now by saying that his pea brain makes him sound like a, well you know.

I usually try to avoid the moronic monkey by hanging out in places he won't frequent. It is not because I am afraid of him, but because I have a hard time censoring myself around him. He says such ridiculous things it is impossible not to comment.

The man is a college professor. I'll do the university the favor of not mentioning his name or what courses he teaches. I'll even give him partial credit for being an obnoxious putz by saying that his mother has taught him that wealth means that you are something special.

But since he is an adult I can only go so far in relieving him of accountability for acting like an ass.

Living On The Edge

You might want to be careful how far you open those windows.

Anonymous Blogging

My name is Jack and I am a semi-anonymous blogger. This blog is my refuge, my bat cave, my fortress of solitude. It is a retreat I use for so many different purposes. It is my shrink, the place where I air out my thoughts and engage in my own therapy. The place where I empty out the mental closet and try to figure out the solutions to the puzzles of my own life.

My anonymity is intentional. It always seemed to be the best way to stay safe in what I share. Some of what I write is deeply personal and not the sort of thing that I would share with friends, family or strangers. But the blog changes the boundaries of what we reveal. The sanctity of the keyboard is inviolate, or so it would seem.

The reality is a bit different. Surfing the blogosphere has led to new friendships. Some of them are relatively superficial and some are far deeper. The nature of the communication makes it easy to learn an awful lot about someone else in a short time. Some argue that these friendships lack depth, but I disagree.

Here in the blogosphere you can laugh and cry with other bloggers. You get a sense and a feel for who they are and what their families are like. Just as you do in the real world, but here it is probably faster. Here you read 100 things about a blogger, learn about their hopes, dreams and nightmares.

In the real world you might learn these things as well, but you'd probably have to go digging for it. Not here. Here it is out there, an offering to the masses.

And so I come to the point at which I remark that there are some opportunities that have arisen because of blogging that require shedding my anonymity. It might not be a complete removal of the curtain that hides the wizard, but it is enough.

So once again I find myself trying to determine if it is worth giving up more of the curtain. Do I lift the shades and show my face or do I stay secure in the cave. I just don't know.

I suspect that at some point in time I'll say screw it and just come right out as myself. Shedding that mask offers a lot of benefits and I suspect that it will be quite freeing.

Still I hesitate. Still I guard what little privacy remains because there are benefits to it. I don't hide in the shadows because I am embarrassed or afraid to do otherwise. Ok, maybe a little, but overall not so much.

In the coming days there are going to be some changes. I am kind of excited about following this yellow brick road. Let the flying monkeys come and do what they will, I am equipped with a banana launcher and a big chip on the shoulder.

What Is Your Number One Tip For Building Traffic to The Blog

Ok kids, I have a new question for you. What is your best tip for driving traffic to your blog?

Do you use try and make use of social networking sites like Digg and StumbleUpon?

Have you taken advantage of sites like AllTop?

Do you rely upon search engines?

Have you ever used a guy wearing a sandwich board or advertised on the side of an African Elephant?

Send in your tips and we'll send you some of our own.

More on The Terrrorist Attack

Here is more information about the terrorist attack in Jerusalem today. Jameel was there and filed a report on his blog.

Gas Prices- When Will It Stop

There is an ongoing discussion among friends and family regarding gas prices. There are a few key components of this conversation:

1) Anger/disgust at how rapidly the price has risen.
2) Questions about what is fueling the rise.

Take a look at this CNN/Money excerpt:

"Gas prices are now about 3% higher than last month and 38.5% higher than year-ago levels."

An increase of 38.5% in a year, are you kidding me. Are there any readers out there that can offer a logical explanation for this. Can anyone else name a product that is used with the same frequency and need as gas that has experienced a similar exponential increase in cost.

3 killed In Palestinian Bulldozer Attack

Update: AussieDave at Israellycool has more on the situation. Click here.

Ynet reports about a new terrorist attack. Reportedly he was heading towards Mahane Yehuda. Thankfully he was killed long before he got there or things could have been much worse.

"Three women were killed and at least 30 more people were injured when a bulldozer driven by a Palestinian resident of east Jerusalem trampled over pedestrians and vehicles and plowed into two buses in downtown Jerusalem at around noon Wednesday.

Magen David Adom reported of casualties on Rashi, Jaffa and Sarei Yisrael streets.

The driver, who reportedly had a criminal record and was the holder of an Israeli (blue) identification card, was shot dead by a SWAT officer near the old Shaare Zedek Medical Center. The terrorist was identified as 31-year-old Hossam Dawiath, a father of two from the village of Tzur Baher. "

The Beatles- Old Person Music

Overheard at the gym:

"You have The Beatles on your iPod. My mom listens to that old person crap."

Heck, when did I become old.

How Hard Is it To Audioblog

This is a short post that offers a few thoughts about audioblogging. Something is going on with my voice, not sure if it is allergy or what, but I sound hoarse.

P.S. This is the second version of this post. Somehow the audio portion was destroyed so I had to redo it.

Humming Eicha

Been walking around humming absent mindedly. Just realized that I have been humming Eicha. Not sure that it means anything, but...