My daughter is determined to continue her quest to make all of my hair fall out. If you are not familiar with this or want a quick primer go take a moment to read Penis Talk Revisited. It should help bring you up to speed.
This past weekend the family headed down the fabulous 405 to go visit Seaworld. It was our second trip out there so the kids had a good idea about what was there and what they wanted to do/see.
The day started out innocently enough. There was a dolphin show and a visit to see the seals and otters. Much oohing and awing about the animals was shared, especially during the pet show. Midway through it all my daughter climbed into my lap, placed her arms around my neck and kissed me on the cheek. As my spine slid out of my body she looked me in the eyes and said "I love you daddy."
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't beaming from ear to ear, especially when the woman behind us told me that is beautiful and that she loved her hair. What can I say other than I am a proud father.
What I didn't know is that her preschool is training her to be an assassin. My daughter the killer looked me in the eye and told me that everyone has private parts. She was very serious about it. I nodded my head and told her that she was right. Then she told me that children need to listen to their parents and that they shouldn't go anywhere with strangers because a stranger might take them.
I told her that she was right and assured her that her parents would never let anything happen to her. One day she'll realize that she doesn't have her own security detail and that things can happen, but for now I don't have a problem with telling a white lie.
And then she hit me with it again. "Daddy, does Shamu have a penis or is she a girl?" I smiled and said that there were boy and girl whales. But that wasn' t enough for her.
"Can I see Shamu's penis, does it look like yours and my brother?"
Crap, my baby girl just nailed me. I tried to explain that animals have private parts too and that somethings were just for them.
"But daddy, I saw a doggie go potty lots of times. Animals aren't people."
Playing for time I asked her why she wanted to know and she said "I need to know about boys." I told her that she had plenty of time to learn about them. She looked at me and explained that sometimes she and her brother fight, so she wanted to know more so that they wouldn't fight anymore.
It is a beautiful thing to watch. She is so damn sharp, I just wish that her point didn't have to prick me. It was an innocent question, just a child's curiosity. It is not that I won't can't talk to her about these things, I will. I am just guilty of being madly in love with a dark eyed beauty who believes that I am Superman.
Of course my baby is already working on her female look of death. Men, you know the one I am talking about. It is that look that women give us when they are preparing to launch a verbal onslaught in which they attempt to eviscerate you for not remembering, listening or doing some unimportant something or other.
Having called my hand I decided to try and go full bore to see if that would take care of the situation.
"The boy whales have a penis but you can't see it because it is underneath their bodies. We can't see that part very well because they're swimming in the tank or the ocean."
That held her for a moment and then she threw the ball back at me.
"Can you draw a picture of it for me?"
Inside my head there was much cursing. I looked for baseball bat or brick wall to bang my head with. My daughter wants me to draw whale porn.
Without thinking I mentioned something about proportionality and said that it would be too big for the paper. The words had barely left my mouth when I realized that I had made a poor choice.
"How big are they daddy?"
It is not fair. I am not supposed to have a discussion about how big a penis is with her. My daughter is not supposed to interrogate me or ask me to compare the size of my own pal, period end of story.
Just as I was getting ready to try and sputter some other response a guy carrying Cotton Candy walked by. I was so happy to see him I almost kissed him. That would have made a fine ending to the story...
Years from now my kids would tell the story of how their father got arrested for sexually assaulting the Cotton Candy Man. That is just great, what an image. Fortunately sanity prevailed and the conversation took a turn for more mundane things like "Dad, her candy is bigger than mine."