Sometimes the hardest things to write or say are the simplest. It is not for lack of desire that it doesn't happen but fear.
Fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of a thousand different things. There are things I could say. Things I might say. Things I want to say.
But at the moment I won't.
Blame it on fear or attribute to other things. The time is not right or maybe it is.
Judy's Ghost
When we said we were going to do it we were only kidding. It was supposed to be the kind of joke that couples make.
It wouldn't be funny to anyone else but us and it was. Whenever we talked about doing it we would laugh hard and share that special smile that we saved for each other..
We were going to visit Judy and have sex on her porch or maybe inside her apartment. Can't remember who came up with the idea and why, but we did. And like I said I can't tell you why it was funny nor does it really matter.
It was just something we said we were going to do but it became more than that. It was sort of a catchphrase for doing something ridiculous and silly.
When Judy got sick I told Anne that we ought to think twice about whether doing it would be a way to honor Judy or if it would be disrespectful.
We both knew that wasn't really what we were talking about, but it was just how we dealt with something hard and difficult to talk about.
"It is not like Judy's ghost is going to come haunt or walk in on us."
I laughed and told her that I loved her so much that if I died before she did I would come back to visit her.
"Daniel, that is not funny. I don't know what I would do if you died."
I took her hand and kissed her cheek.
"Anne, you will go live your life and be happy. You will find someone new and move on. Sometimes you will think about me and wonder what could have been, but if you are smart you won't spend your days looking back."
She started to respond and I kissed her so she would stop worrying about it. I don't think that I made her forget, but I distracted her.
Later that night I watched as she slept and promised her that as long as I lived I would do what I could to make her happy and protect her from whatever came, including Judy's ghost.
And then came the day that
It wouldn't be funny to anyone else but us and it was. Whenever we talked about doing it we would laugh hard and share that special smile that we saved for each other..
We were going to visit Judy and have sex on her porch or maybe inside her apartment. Can't remember who came up with the idea and why, but we did. And like I said I can't tell you why it was funny nor does it really matter.
It was just something we said we were going to do but it became more than that. It was sort of a catchphrase for doing something ridiculous and silly.
When Judy got sick I told Anne that we ought to think twice about whether doing it would be a way to honor Judy or if it would be disrespectful.
We both knew that wasn't really what we were talking about, but it was just how we dealt with something hard and difficult to talk about.
"It is not like Judy's ghost is going to come haunt or walk in on us."
I laughed and told her that I loved her so much that if I died before she did I would come back to visit her.
"Daniel, that is not funny. I don't know what I would do if you died."
I took her hand and kissed her cheek.
"Anne, you will go live your life and be happy. You will find someone new and move on. Sometimes you will think about me and wonder what could have been, but if you are smart you won't spend your days looking back."
She started to respond and I kissed her so she would stop worrying about it. I don't think that I made her forget, but I distracted her.
Later that night I watched as she slept and promised her that as long as I lived I would do what I could to make her happy and protect her from whatever came, including Judy's ghost.
And then came the day that
Moving Forward
Some of you only read this blog and or rarely visit any of my other blogs. Sometimes I wonder why that is and what you find here that you don't see there.
It has to be apparent that this place doesn't hold the same attention for me as it once did and that I have made an effort to move forward.
But that doesn't negate the place this blog holds in my heart and the sheer love I hold for what it has given me.
Nor does it preclude a relationship because that suggests there is no room to move from the past into the present and that is something I simply do not believe.
There is opportunity and all that is required is the willingness to take a leap of faith.
I have relatively few regrets in life and those I do have generally stem from my having been slow or unwilling to take those leaps of faith.
That is not how I live any more and thus I find myself enjoying new opportunities and experiences. Moving forward doesn't have to mean we forget who we were or who we are. It just means we understand sometimes you have to take a chance to get the bigger rewards in life.
It has to be apparent that this place doesn't hold the same attention for me as it once did and that I have made an effort to move forward.
But that doesn't negate the place this blog holds in my heart and the sheer love I hold for what it has given me.
Nor does it preclude a relationship because that suggests there is no room to move from the past into the present and that is something I simply do not believe.
There is opportunity and all that is required is the willingness to take a leap of faith.
I have relatively few regrets in life and those I do have generally stem from my having been slow or unwilling to take those leaps of faith.
That is not how I live any more and thus I find myself enjoying new opportunities and experiences. Moving forward doesn't have to mean we forget who we were or who we are. It just means we understand sometimes you have to take a chance to get the bigger rewards in life.
I See You
I see you standing there. You have intentionally taken a position off in the distance where you think the shadows will shield you from my eyes.
You think that from a distance you can watch and observe what happens in my life and that it will be enough to keep you connected but not in a way that will make you miss me in that "painful" way. You won't let go but it isn't because you haven't tried.
That is because you have.
You have tried to walk away and you have tried to run.
You have pushed, pulled, begged and screamed but none of them worked.
Neither did making a list of pros and cons. It didn't and doesn't matter if the 'cons' logically outweighed the pros because you can't apply reason and rational thought to affairs of the heart.
The simple truth is that you never stopped loving me. When I fought for your hand and asked you not to go it was easy to find ways to be angry with me and that anger is what you used to pry us apart.
But time has a ways of making the bad things fade and highlighting the good. Time smooths over the wrinkles and shines a light on places that might not have looked so sweet and inviting.
And now you find yourself hiding in the darkness wondering if my words are nothing more than macho talk. Now you wonder what is really going but you won't take those steps into the light without something more. You won't step forward unless I wrap an arm around you and gently carry you forward.
So I'll help you a little bit. I'll tease you some and taunt you with comments about how I tamed you and can do it again. It is part of my own hiding.
That is because I don't need to see you with my eyes. I see you as we have always seen each other with that third eye that hides inside our chest and behind our hearts. I feel you there and I know you aren't going anywhere because you wonder if maybe I am right.
All it took to light that fire was that one kiss and that one kiss would set off a series of sparks that would burn more brightly than before.
You hope and you burn as I do. You ache and you wonder if one day I will come for you and you will see me standing there with my hand outstretched again.
Close your eyes and you find mine staring back at you. Close your eyes and you can feel me standing there and maybe one day you'll open them and really see me.
And when that day comes it will be as if no time had passed and all that we once knew about each other will be there as it ever was except with more depth and intensity than ever before.
You think that from a distance you can watch and observe what happens in my life and that it will be enough to keep you connected but not in a way that will make you miss me in that "painful" way. You won't let go but it isn't because you haven't tried.
That is because you have.
You have tried to walk away and you have tried to run.
You have pushed, pulled, begged and screamed but none of them worked.
Neither did making a list of pros and cons. It didn't and doesn't matter if the 'cons' logically outweighed the pros because you can't apply reason and rational thought to affairs of the heart.
The simple truth is that you never stopped loving me. When I fought for your hand and asked you not to go it was easy to find ways to be angry with me and that anger is what you used to pry us apart.
But time has a ways of making the bad things fade and highlighting the good. Time smooths over the wrinkles and shines a light on places that might not have looked so sweet and inviting.
And now you find yourself hiding in the darkness wondering if my words are nothing more than macho talk. Now you wonder what is really going but you won't take those steps into the light without something more. You won't step forward unless I wrap an arm around you and gently carry you forward.
So I'll help you a little bit. I'll tease you some and taunt you with comments about how I tamed you and can do it again. It is part of my own hiding.
That is because I don't need to see you with my eyes. I see you as we have always seen each other with that third eye that hides inside our chest and behind our hearts. I feel you there and I know you aren't going anywhere because you wonder if maybe I am right.
All it took to light that fire was that one kiss and that one kiss would set off a series of sparks that would burn more brightly than before.
You hope and you burn as I do. You ache and you wonder if one day I will come for you and you will see me standing there with my hand outstretched again.
Close your eyes and you find mine staring back at you. Close your eyes and you can feel me standing there and maybe one day you'll open them and really see me.
And when that day comes it will be as if no time had passed and all that we once knew about each other will be there as it ever was except with more depth and intensity than ever before.
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