I am a dreamer. I always have been. My mother says that my preschool teacher was certain that I would grow up to be some kind of writer because I was always coming up with stories. I may not work as a full time writer but I still lay claim to the title.
If I had a decent singing voice I might call myself a bard or jester. I wouldn't want to be a jester for a king. I do a good job of making people laugh, but I hate being told what to do. The first time the king pissed me off I'd stop juggling long enough to fling something heavy at his melon.
I have several evening rituals. On my way to bed I stop to check on my children. In the dark I tell them again how much I love them and then I take a moment to watch them sleep. I don't think that I sleep that way anymore. You know, that carefree deep sleep of a child.
As I stand there I cannot help but wonder what they are going to be like when they are grown up. What will they look like, what kind of work will they do etc. Mostly I pray that they are happy people of character and integrity.
And then sometimes I think about my own life. It is not that I am unhappy or unfulfilled. On both a superficial and deep level I am pretty close, but there are some gaps. I stop to think about some of the choices I have made. I look at the road not taken and wonder what else could be out there.
What if I had made aliyah. What if I had decided to go to law school or to have become a doctor. There are other thoughts there as well.
Sometimes I wonder about my choices. Sometimes I look at the challenges that I have undertaken and wonder if I have been fair to my kids. Starting new businesses involves a certain amount of risk. Is it fair to involve them? I could have taken a more stable path and perhaps made life better.
OTOH, if the risk pays off the rewards are great. Those could translate into some incredible benefits.
In a little more than two weeks I'll be 38. Is this who I am. Am I going to be this guy for the rest of my life. He is not a bad guy, but is this it. It is not a midlife crisis. My family is full of people who live into their late 90's and beyond.
Part of the reason I want to live to be a thousand years old is because there is so much that I want to do. So many skills to learn and master and so little time.
So much to see and so little time. Am I crazy for wanting more.
10 comments:
I have these same thoughts. I would be the last person to say you should stop yearning for things. As long as it does not endanger the people who depend on you, why not?
I'm totally a dreamer also. I think it would be sad to look at one's life and say, "Yep, I'm done, there's nothing more to hope for." I think it's the dreaming that keeps us living, really living.
If you're really going to make it to 1000, you better invest in some good face cream.
No, but I do think you have to live your life without looking back or second guessing yourself. It's very important to me not to sit here and wish I had more or did this or that. Regret is not a word I understand the definition of as it applies to the landscape of my life. I can't live like that.
I once ended a long relationship because the guy I was with didn't want to dream. What's a life without dreams? It's nothing, it's just being in a waiting room. Dreaming is great, and combining it with doing is even better.
I don't think that I sleep that way anymore. You know, that carefree deep sleep of a child.
I think that once you have kids you never sleep deeply as you are always listening. I once woke up out of a sleep to hear daughter throwing up in bed when she was still a toddler.
I think that for the most part, things have turned out overall the way I envisioned.
I'm generally a planner, not as much a dreamer. I think I do better when things are within my control, like decisions about school and career - than with the unexpecteds.
RaggedyDad and I check the kids about a half dozen times each every night. I'm waiting for the paranoia to stop, but it doesn't seem to :) And I'm always listening while sleeping. Though will 933 sq. ft., I guess they're never that far away!
Rhea,
My responsibilities are always foremost in my mind.
Shoshana,
I agree. Without dreams life would be dull.
Babka,
I have got good genes. :)
Z,
It is important to try and live without regret. Sometimes it so very hard to do so.
MW,
I agree.
Misanthrope,
You are right. Once the kids come deep sleep is harder to come by.
RM,
933 SQF- oy vey. That sounds so hard to me.
Great post. I think that yearning, striving, seeking, dreaming are of the essence. I'd almost hesitate to use the verb dream in this context because it may be perceived in a somewhat derogatory light.
Rav Hutner once wrote a student who had written him about his struggles that struggling/seeking more is a good thing.
Keep on thinking Jack. Keep on thinking and feeling and doing...and writing!
Thanks RF.
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