December 31, 2008

Not Quite a Recap- Let's Talk about Body Parts

In an attempt to escape being seen as the All Gaza, All The Time blog I am going to regal you with tales on my adventures on the high seas. You ever notice that the term is always "high seas" and never lower. Maybe the Shmata Queen is correct about short people and things getting no respect.

Before the hostilities began I had intended to work on a general recap of the blog and my life in 2008. But as the saying goes, "People plan and G-d laughs." So here I am with a watered down version that is going to cover a bunch of different things.

Let's begin by relating a recent conversation with my son. Earlier this week the big guy followed me into the bathroom and decided that it would be cool if we both urinated at the same time. Yes ladies, sometimes even the boys hit the bathroom in pairs.

As we stood there I made sure to remind him to pay attention and suggested that we follow the Ghostbuster's rule and not cross streams. In the midst of this the big guy looks at me and says:

Son: So that is what my penis is going to look like when I am a grown up.
Dad: I suppose. You'll definitely be bigger than you are now.

Son: How big will I be?
Dad: I don't know.

Son: How big are you?
Dad: I don't know.

Son: Can't you tell me?
Dad: Tell you what?

Son: How big your penis is. How many inches is it?
Dad: I have never measured it.

(It is a perfectly innocent conversation, but the juvenile side of me is fighting to whip out some crazy remarks. Something along the lines of it is 3 feet long and when I don't use it I keep it rolled up like a danish or use it as a belt. But I don't say that and he is smarter enough to know better.)

Son: Why not? Why haven't you measured it?
Dad: I never cared. Didn't have a reason to. It works just fine.

Son: Do they ever get to be too big?
Dad: Too big for what? (uh oh, where is this conversation going?)

Son: When you make a baby you have to stick it in a girl's vagina. Do they get too big or too small.
Dad: Nope. Everything works.

(Since he is only 8 I decided to try and make it simple, but at this point I just know that simple isn't going to completely satisfy him.

Son: How big are vaginas?
Dad: Big enough to take care of things.

(At this point I am tempted to tell him that it is similar to spelunking. The doctor puts on gloves, a miner's helmet and ties a rope around his waist before he dives in to grab the baby. But since I know that he is probably going to tell his mother and others I restrain myself.)

Son: I see your smile. Tell me for real.
Dad: Everything fits the way that G-d intended it to. Do you have any plans to try this any time soon.

Son: Gross. I don't even want to get married.
Dad: No problem. Enjoy being eight.

That last exchange marked another moment in which I had to restrain myself from making some obnoxious remark about things. I'll leave that particular one to your imagination.

I'll readily admit that I was happy to end the conversation. It is not that I mind talking to him or answering questions, but sometimes they go off on these wacky tangents and I never know when they might come back. But I was happy to note that he remembered enough from the how to make a baby conversation to ask relatively appropriate questions.

So back to our recap. In some ways 2008 has been an exceptionally difficult year. There is an awful lot that has happened that has been both challenging and unpleasant. But there have been some really good things too. What it really shows me is that my life really isn't that different than so many other people.

This past year I pounded out just under a thousand posts. Here is a quick and incomplete look back at some of what appeared here:

I am In Love
What Benefits Do You Receive From Being President
Holding a Grudge
Is It Blogworthy
Some of My Favorite Posts
Thanksgiving in Mumbai
Music and Fragments of Fiction
I Am A Lonely Man
Must Blogging Have a Purpose
Dear Tooth Fairy
The Disappearing Accent
I Talk In My Sleep
Food For Thought
He Put a Gun To My Head
Do You Live Your Dreams
What Is Your Number One Tip For Building Traffic to The Blog
Anonymous Blogging
She Broke My Penis
What Makes You Happy
We Still Carry The Pain of Our Past Part II

Daddy You Died
The Best Break Up Songs
What Should Children Learn in School?
My Fourth Blogiversary- What Do I have To Say
Whether The Storm or Weather The Storm

How Long Do You Wait While on Hold
Cover Songs- Part 1
For A Good Time Call...
Death Comes For Us All- When Do you Start Saying Goodbye

Dancing WIth My Daughter
Second Annual Link To Jack Day
A Life Without Regrets
Coping With Sick Parents
My Dad Has A Problem
Penis Talk Revisited
Streets of Philadelphia

The Worst Album Covers- Ethel Merman Disco Mix
Paying For Private School- Part II
Playing With Your Webcam
Cheeseburger Leads to 911 Call

2 comments:

Val said...

Excellent conversation with your son, Jack.
I have found some of the most enlightening conversations with my 8 yr old daughter in the bathroom - either while either of us is going to the bathroom or she is bathing.
I KNOW I'm gonna miss 'em when they go!

Jack said...

Hi Val,

I hear you. As the big guy grows I see little hints that some of these discussions aren't going to be around much longer. But I think that the future will have some pretty cool stuff too.