May 11, 2008

Time Is My Enemy & My Ally

The days sometimes blur together. One leads into the next and the next and the next and I find that a week, a month, a year or a decade has passed me by. It is not a preferred feeling, this floating through life. But it is not fair or right to say that it is my condition either.

I do try to make sure that I live all of my days. That is not an exaggeration, not hyperbole. I want to LIVE my life and not watch it pass me by. So I do what I can to see that it is as fulfilling as can be. When I die I want to feel like I did all that I could to enjoy, learn and grow.

That leads to the point, er, title of the post time is my enemy and my ally. I go to bed and I wake up with the same thoughts on my mind. I can be quite singular of purpose. Time passes and I see the fruits of my labors and the failures.

As I deal with the myriad challenges presented to me I look out my window and consider the best way to handle them. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. Sometimes I feel this burning desire to get away, to go to a place where I am just Jack.

Not Jack the father, not the Jack the husband, not Jack the anything. I just want to be Jack, at least for a moment or two. Don't get me wrong, there is much in my life to be thankful for, to be grateful for. There are people who have it much worse than I do, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I have said it a million times. The homeless guy on the corner is living a tragic life, but that doesn't mean that it is any easier for me to struggle with my own challenges. And there are plenty of days where it is a struggle.

Some days it feels like the clock is stopped. Minutes feel like hours and there is a ringing sensation in my ears. It is almost as if there is a large metal pot over my head and some jackass is beating upon it with a spoon.

It is not easy to look at yourself and admit that you have failed at some things. Even when I remember that failure is just another opportunity, it hurts. But I am too stubborn to not continue so I plod on.

Had a long talk with G today. Hard to believe that he has been a part of my life for so many years, but reassuring. The man is steady. Everyone should have a friend like G.


V-Grrrl said...

Ah the Ring of Fire. Yeah. I know all about that.

I don't appear to be a driven person because I'm not conventionally ambitious or Type A or always in motion. However, I strive endlessly for meaning in my life and even when I was a teen had a sense of a clock ticking in the background. Always. So yes, underneath the smooth veneer of my life, I really struggle.

There are only a handful of people I share the truth of that struggle with. Two of them I left behind in Belgium. One of them is the person I was forced to cut communication with earlier this year.There's one other person willing to listen, if not fully understand and I'm grateful for her. My husband knows I struggle but doesn't understand why, so I'm reluctant to keep bringing it up.

It's good that you appreciate G. I could not endure life without the friends who dare to get beneath the surface and go to the dark side with me.

Jack said...

I could not endure life without the friends who dare to get beneath the surface and go to the dark side with me.

They make the difference.