It Was Disconcerting- Whoa!

I have a few fears in life. There are some things that frighten me and I readily admit that one of the more irrational is my concern that a large earthquake will hit while I am occupied in the bathroom.

I know call me crazy, but the thought bothers me. What will my family tell people about how I died. How will my children live down the shame. Can you imagine the teasing on the schoolyard. I hate to think that my obituary might say that I was caught with my pants around my ankles. Think of the imagery here.

What if it was big enough to severely injure me. What if instead of dying I had to crawl to safety with my pants around my ankles and a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Oh the shame of it all. Not that any of this is likely, but you stranger things have happened.

Today was one of those surreal moments. I was doing my thing at the office when all of a sudden I noticed a head perched above the stall walls. It was attached to a neck and it was clear that he was not standing on stilts nor on a ladder.

For a brief moment I thought that perhaps the NBA had read my blog and sent a hit man to get me. Now I haven't any fear of a 7 foot tall man, provided that I am standing on my own two feet and not occupied in a closed space, like a bathroom stall.

I immediately looked for ways to defend myself and I am sad to say that the only idea was to engage in the age old Monkey Defense, which sadly was not a martial art but something far more base and primal. It sickened me to consider it, but frankly, violence of any sort sickens me and a man has got to do what a man has got to do.

So as I steeled my mind and prepared for battle I watched the giant head bobble from side to side and I could tell that he was ambling over to a stall down the way. I breathed a sigh of relief, disaster was averted.

A short time later we both exited our stalls and I was sad to see that the giant did not wash his hands. I don't know what he did in there, but I have my suspicions that he took those oversized and enormous paws and spread germs throughout the building.

And that ends this morning's potty story.

Time Mag's Top 100 Books

You can find the list here. Should I be concerned that I have only read about 12 of the 100 books on the list.

Reader Feedback

Dear Jack, you used to have a regular segment called reader feedback, or letters to the editor. What happened to it?

Thanks,

Mark

Dear Mark,

Beats Me.

Dear Jack,

I read with great interest about your accident. Were you scared and what did you learn?

Regards,

Kim

Dear Kim,

I wasn't scared, just angry and then thankful. As for what I learnedI would have to say that this is far too broad a question and being anatural smartass my inclination is to go off on a tangent about the manythings I have learned such as that you never know who you might encounteron the net. Check out the Gaming Grannies.

Hello Jack,

Is Chocolate the New Vanilla?

I love questions like this because they are just so out there. And like youI am someone who just might ask the oddball question for no goodreason other than I am a bit of wingnut. So allow me to respond withthe following. Rootbeer is the new Coke and a good cigar is a smoke. Or if you preferthe hummingbird warbles at midnight. Does any of this mean anything to anyone.

Hello Jack,

Are you ever serious. Really now.

Out,

-Jason

Hi Jason,

You know this is one of those times that I wish that there was a toll freeAsk Jack hotline because then I might have a clue as to whether you arebeing insouciant or serious. Really.

Hey Jack,

What is with you and The Shmata Queen? I am really curious.

Thanks,

Michael

Hi Michael,

The Shmata Queen, what can I say about her. Did you ever see The Princess Bride? There is a great line in it when Inigo Montoya asks the Man In Black to identify himself and the Man responds by saying "Get Used to Disappointment." How is that for an answer. ;)

Personal Versus Political

The blog is an interesting outlet. There is a constant struggle between the personal and political, a question of how to use this outlet. Do I use it to air out my deepest and darkest fears. Do I use it to go spelunking in my head. Is it a tool that can be used to explore the darker side of Jack, do I use it to see what has been swept beneath the carpet or do I stick to things that are less personal and not so frightening.

Because the reality is that for so many of the use the bogeyman we fear the most is the one that resides inside our skulls. There is the person that we want to be, the person that we pretend to be and show to the world and then there is the person that we truly are. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am the only one to ever feel this way, or maybe I am not.

What I know for certain is this. When there is a monster on the other side of the door I always end up looking. Even when I know that opening the door provides the opportunity to scare me silly, inevitably my curiosity gets the better of me and I look behind the curtain. I need to see if the wizard is a just a man or if there is something more.

So the blog really is a mix. It is a place to air out those thoughts and ruminate upon life.

Tonight I spoke with my father about many things, some important and some trivial. Tonight I looked and listened to his every word and watched his gestures with the intensity and ferocity of my childhood. I have spent most of my life thinking that there was no one tougher than my dad, but I learned last summer that even he has his weak moments.

Last summer when he lay in bed recovering from a triple bypass I watched from across the country and did what I could to help him. For a time he was depressed. For a time there was a role reversal and I had to be the one to do many things. When necessary I barked orders and when required I issued praise and support. At 35 I was the parent, briefly.

Now I see him in a far more complete and complex light. He is my father. He is still superman, but I have seen him showered in Kryptonite and watched him waver in battle and then return to form.

And though I have the greater and deeper understanding I find myself looking to his example and chuckling at his comments about how similar my son and I are. I still say that arguing with my father is like screaming at a mirror. I wonder if one day my son will say the same about me.

NBA Players Are Babies

The NBA is instituting a dress code that is meeting a lot of resistance from the players. I can't believe what babies they are.

"The Hawks' Josh Childress is one of the players who thinks the NBA is "taking this thing too far."

"I understand where they're coming from. We all need to be neat and professional. But to ask us to wear suits everywhere, even at a hotel at 2 a.m. I think that's a bit much," Childress told the Journal-Constitution.

Allen Iverson told The Philadelphia Daily News he will fight any new dress code.

"I dress to make myself comfortable," Iverson told the Philadelphia Daily News. "I really do have a problem with it. ... It's just not right. It's something I'll fight for."

Childress told the Journal-Constitution that a dress code is something that should be phased in gradually.

"Listen, if they wanted to do this thing gradually I could understand that," Childress told the newspaper. "Say you want us to wear slacks and a shirt this year, and then next year add jackets and whatever. But to do it all at once is just more than I think is necessary, to just jump up and say wear suits or you get fined is nuts."

Indiana Pacers guard Stephen Jackson, contending that a new ban on chains worn over clothing is "a racist statement" from the league, wore every long, diamond-studded chain in his collection Tuesday night as a protest.

Jackson voiced no opposition to the bulk of the "business casual" demands in the NBA's new dress code, but he described the jewelry ban as "attacking young black males."

"I think it's a racist statement because a lot of the guys who are wearing chains are my age and are black," said Jackson, 27. "I wore all my jewelry today to let it be known that I'm upset with it.

"I'll wear a suit every day. I think we do need to look more professional because it is a business. A lot of guys have gotten sloppy with the way they dress. But it's one thing to [enforce a] dress code and it's another thing if you're attacking cultures, and that's what I think they're doing."

"Denver's Marcus Camby said, "I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes. Guys who haven't been wearing suits and don't own suits, it will be really hard to get them in time for the season."

Camby makes $9.3 million this season."

Unbelievable. I am busy trying to figure out how to support a family on one income, how to buy a car a year earlier than I intended and the poor players need a stipend to buy a suit. Well Marcus and company, as far as I am concerned you overgrown babies can quit and go back to the real world and make real world incomes and then talk to me about how hard it is.

Go dig a ditch, clean a toilet or work behind a desk and tell me if you'd rather be playing basketball. This whining makes me sick. In case you are wondering about the big bad evil plan, here are details.
.

"On Monday, the National Basketball Association completed details of its new "business casual" dress code, which goes into effect Nov. 1, or opening night.

Though still vague in some areas, the final version of the dress code was toned down from an initial proposal that called for players to wear suits at all team functions, including games and flights.

The dress code, coupled with N.B.A. Commissioner David Stern's announcement yesterday that the league would start N.B.A. Cares, a vast public-service initiative, highlight the N.B.A.'s latest push to look a little less gangsta and a little more genteel.

Stern said that during the course of collective bargaining, "we decided that the reputation of our players was not as good as our players are, and we could do small things to improve that."

Stern added: "One has to do with signing autographs. Another has to do with, perhaps, how you present yourself at the national anthem. A third has to do with being available for season-ticket-holder events because we very much appreciate our fans and we very much want to become more sensitive to our ultimate consumer. And, finally, discussion turned to minimum dress code."

Players must adhere to the following requirements at all team or league functions: collared dress shirts or turtlenecks; dress slacks, khaki pants or dress jeans; and dress shoes or boots or "other presentable shoes" with socks, and no sneakers, sandals, flip-flops or work boots.

Players are prohibited from wearing headgear, T-shirts, team jerseys, chains, pendants or medallions. Sunglasses while indoors and headphones, except on the team bus, plane or in the locker room, are also banned.

Players who are on the bench during a game but not in uniform must wear a sports coat.

Both the player and his team will be fined for violating the rules, and repeat offenders could be suspended."

Too Close for Comfort

This story hits too close to home for me.

Chertoff Says FEMA Was 'Overwhelmed' by Katrina

The headline in the Washington Post said Chertoff Says FEMA Was 'Overwhelmed' by Katrina and then Jack's head burst into flames, overwhelmed by the enormity and what he perceived as government stupidity.

"Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff acknowledged today that the Federal Emergency Management Agency was "overwhelmed" by Hurricane Katrina and called for a buildup of the government's "preparedness capability" to deal with major natural disasters and terrorist attacks.

Appearing before a special House committee investigating the government's response to the hurricane, Chertoff said his department must "retool FEMA . . . so that it can fulfill its historic and critical mission supporting response and recovery."

I am angry and appalled by this. Just reading this makes my blood boil.

"Calling Katrina "one of the worst natural disasters in our nation's history," Chertoff said it forced more than 1.5 million people to evacuate the Gulf Coast and has left an estimated 600,000 people requiring shelter.

"We now know that its [FEMA's] capabilities were overwhelmed by the magnitude of the storm," Chertoff told the committee.

"Although we had made significant progress in preparedness" before Katrina struck, "we were not where we needed to be," Chertoff said. He said the agency did not have "integrated capabilities," such as the ability to plan sufficiently with state and local agencies and the U.S. military.

The Homeland Security Department is working with federal, state and local officials to review emergency operations plans for every major American city, Chertoff said. Part of the review involves taking "a hard, realistic look" at planning for evacuations necessitated by everything from earthquakes to subway bombings, he said. He vowed to build up preparedness in the weeks and months ahead.

"It's not something that's going to be done overnight," he cautioned, but "there is nothing more urgent."

Even if 911 had never happened we never should have had to listen to our government acknowledge this kind of ineptitude, but especially in light of 911 and recent events this is just shameful and shocking. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Tags: News and politics