I woke up because I heard screaming. They weren't screams of passion or pain. They were filled with fear and panic. I jumped out of bed and flew down the hallway. I didn't stop to ask questions or try to identify what was going on, I just rumbled down the way and destroyed whatever lay in my path.
All I knew was the screaming and that it sounded to me like my daughter was in trouble. I was death incarnate and ready to obliterate whatever it was that was causing her to shriek like that. It is not hyperbole, melodrama or exaggeration. It was instinct, primal nature calling out to me.
The door to the room was closed. Frankly I am surprised that I didn't tear it off of the hinges. I reached out grabbed the handle, twisted, turned, pushed and was by her side in seconds. I looked down and saw her...fast asleep.
It took a moment to realize that it was a dream. She hadn't really screamed, it was just something that I heard in my dream. For a moment I stood there dumbfounded and tried to figure out what the hell had just happened. Fuzzy headed and half awake I began to remember that I had watched some stupid horror flick.
That was probably the source of my angst. That stupid movie must have gotten stuck inside my head and manifested itself as some crazy dream. And now courtesy of the dream I was wide awake, wired and ready for battle. I can think of a lot of situations in which that might be useful, but not so much on a Tuesday.
Shaking my head I walked out of the room and headed off to the living room and collapsed onto the couch. There in the dark I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I was more than a little thankful that it was nothing more than a dream. It had scared the hell out of me in a way that few things could.
As I sat there in the dark I wished that there was a way to express this feeling in a way that my children could understand. I know that they know that I love them, but I don't think that they understand that it is a deep, fierce sort of never ending love. And I don't suppose that unless they become parents they'll get it it.
But sometimes I wish that they could. Not because I am looking for validation or recognition from them but because I want to do whatever I can to instill confidence in them. I want them to see how deep my belief is in their ability. I want them to have that to call upon as a reserve whenever needed.
Now if only I can find a way to catch up on all the lost sleep....
5 comments:
Wow. My heart was pounding as you raced down the hall and opened her door. That kind of blind panic is a familiar feeling to any parent who has ever thought that their child was in danger.
Your children know how much you love them. You may feel it deeply and fiercely. For them, it feels like safety and security, knowing that Daddy is always there to make things better.
For them, it feels like safety and security, knowing that Daddy is always there to make things better
From your mouth to G-d's ears. I hope so. That would make me very happy.
I've had that feeling of absolute panic and fear. My son was in the hospital a few years ago with a concussion (at the tender age of four). If my phone ever rings now I answer it. The fear that it's news he's been hurt just doesn't go away.
There's a reason parents are referred to as 'bears'. Children may not recognize it by name -that our every heartbeat is there to protect them, but I know they feel it. They eventually label it as a sense of security. When they become parents they will have plenty of nights like yours and then it will hit them that what they want to do for their children is exactly what you were doing for yours. Protecting and loving them no matter what.
How incredibly touching. The love we feel for our children leaves us open and vulnerable, and causes us to sleep lightly if we sleep at all.
Just keep doing what she is doing. She will feel it, and never have to know the lack of it. When she is older she will accept nothing less in the man she marries, and will have fond memories of you.
If my phone ever rings now I answer it. The fear that it's news he's been hurt just doesn't go away.
That is part of why I have a BB. If I am involved in something in which the telephone ringing would be problematic I can still be reached by text or email. It is a crazy thing sometimes.
When she is older she will accept nothing less in the man she marries, and will have fond memories of you.
Assuming I let her get married. She thinks it is funny to tell me that when she is big she'll kiss boys. That girl already knows how to work me. I am in so much trouble. Yikes. ;)
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