The rules of the blog are there are no rules. The rules of the blog are whatever I establish along the way. The rules of the blog are that when I have trouble writing a post I have to just jump in and start writing.
It is the equivalent of doing a fire walk without preparing yourself. You take off your shoes and just start marching across those coals and hope that you are capable of placing your mind in that faraway place in a hurry. So, here I am hopping up and down on both feet hoping that I don't burn the hell out of my feet.
If you were to ask me when I started to hit my stride as a blogger I'd have to say that The tears that do not fall is one of the posts that comes to mind. It isn't fluff. It is not a joke. It is not nonsense about bathrooms or elevators or silly gadgets. Those things have a place here too, but it is the serious posts that give this joint a little something extra, at least I think so.
When I think about it I never could have imagined that years later I'd find myself thinking about that post. The night that my grandfather died I sat next to his body and let the tears roll down my face and realized that something had changed inside me. I wasn't locked up in the same manner.
Since that time there have been some moments here and there where I have found myself shedding a tear or two. A couple weeks ago while listening to Trace Adkins sing You're Gonna Miss This I found myself getting choked up.
I lay back on the bed and looked out the window with a clenched jaw. For a moment I felt my lip quavering and I thought about just letting go. I wanted to, but I had too much to do, too many things to take care of so I just didn't.
That is certainly different than how things used to be. It has been a slow process, but I feel things loosening up inside. I am well beyond the point of feeling like I have to prove I am tough by not crying. It is still not what I would call easy to do, but...
I suppose that there is still a bit of a safety issue. It is not something that I am likely to do around most people, if anyone. I am still relatively guarded about many things, but ...
Remind me in four years to provide another update and I'll let you know if anything else has changed.
4 comments:
I'm a woman and I shed most of my tears in secret. I cry after everyone else goes to bed, or I cry when I'm out walking or driving, the tears sliding out from behind my sunglasses like little grenades of sadness.
That "loosening" you speak of is very therapeutic, IMHO. I think it's great you can go to that place when you allow yourself to.
little grenades of sadness
I like that.
Baila,
It is not easy, but I try to......
I'm still trying to figure out why "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" had me choked up, on the way home from work, last week. I don't really like the song, don't like Tony Orlando. But there I was, in my car, getting choked up.
Sheesh!
All in a very manly way, of course!
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