VIEIRA: Do you think women play any role in this, Dr. Laura?
SCHLESSINGER: It's interesting. what you said about what men need -- men do need validation. When they come into the world they're born of a woman. Getting the validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like our hero, he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. These days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need.VIEIRA: Are you saying women should feel guilty, like they somehow drove the man to cheat?
SCHLESSINGER: You know what, the cheating was his decision to repair what's damaged, and to feed himself where he's starving. But, yes, I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.
Dr. Laura Blames Spitzer's Wife
I pulled this from the Huffington Post
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But why bring a New York hooker to Washington, D.C.? The town is already full of prostitutes, and not just in the Capitol building.
Just more proof that "Dr" Laura, who has no psych credentials whatsoever (I guess she is a "doctor" - of kinesiology) is not only not qualified as a psych, but also has no sense whatsoever. Yep, *his wife* made him pay for sex, says Dr. divorced.
KRG, Dr. Laura may not be right, but whether she's been divorced or not doesn't undermine her credibility to speak about marriage. The only people who really can't speak credibly about marraige are those who haven't been married at all, and probably not even those who haven't had children and haven't been married for at least 10 years.
Regarding the article, well, it's possible to be right for the wrong reason.
Yes, Spitzer's wife might not have given him what he needed. Similarly, the reverse could be true, too. How anybody could pass judgment without knowing the inner details is beyond me, and it'd have been more menschlich not to make such a comment.
But even if the Dr's guess is spot on, Spitzer could have divorced his wife and paid for all the sex he wants, in all the different ways that men pay for it, not always prostitutes, and not always with money. Spitzer's fault lay in choosing not to play it straight with his wife and divorce, or at least gain her permission for his daliances.
It's all complicated - but Spitzer now seems to be making a decision that his relationship with his wife was more valuable than his governorship and his pecadillos. I don't know if all men would make his decision, or should, or even if he'd have made different decisions if the discovery hadn't forced it, or even if his decision has anything at all to do with his wife (who knows, maybe he would rather not divide his fortune, or maybe they really are going to try to work it out?) but at least he made a decision that what he got from these prostitutes wasn't better than, when all is considered, what he gets with his wife - after all, he decided to stay.
He is simply a power hungry nut. And I have a feeling we haven't begun to hear the sordid details. He has gone after many in ruthless ways (remember Martha Stewart?).
No one knows what went on his marriage but the two of them. But I can't imagine that his wife, and let's not forget his three daughters, deserved this.
And while I respect your opinion Shai, I do not agree. I hardly think he made the decision to choose his wife over his governorship. He did what he really had no choice but to do...to resign or be impeached.
He is scum. And Dr. Laura? blech...listen to Dr. Drew!
But, yes, I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.
Hey, Dr. Laura. I need to see your titty pics. Would you send them to me immediately, please? I'm starving over here...
Yep Cruisinmom, I admit you're right on that account. True it is, he quit 'cause he had to, but I'd say that it's also a virtue to give kaf zchut and recognize that there's no way he could remain in his position and work on his marriage at the same time, and that's why he quit. I can't imagine that it's going to be easy for them.
But he's still staying with his wife, and notably because she was there at the announcement, she's reciprocally staying with him, and give Dr. Laura credit for what she said, not only what she didn't. She said "You know what, the cheating was his decision to repair what's damaged, and to feed himself where he's starving."
He could have decided not to repair what was damaged, and he's taken ownership over his decision to "feed himself where he's starving", and he admits his decision was not a good one. Try and imagine having to do that, without anonymity, like you and I have here, and then working on your marriage. Most people deny their faults to themselves and the rest of the world. Confronted with the facts, he can't.
And of course, I don't think Dr. L was suggesting in any way that his children deserve any of this, but unfortunately when a relationship goes sour, whether for this reason or another, fixing the relationship for their sake rarely works (or so I'm told by psychologists).
Lastly, in all fairness I don't know how you or Dr. L can assume anything at all vis a vis whether his wife "deserves" this or not. How can we know? We aren't part of that decision and there's no way for us to know. I presume, like you, that she doesn't deserve this. But I don't know.
And, I'm not sure I should insert myself into this case that way. What's relevant to me, and others I think, is the message in this that we can take from it.
I do think that generally speaking, there are spouses, not just wives but also husbands, who "toss out perfectly good men and women by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need". This episode is a warning to appreciate something good when we've got it, and make decisions to repair or leave what's bad when we don't want it, without sitting on the fence as the governor did. In different words, I think Dr. L was only pointing out that in such instances, the offended spouse has choices, too, and she is affirmatively involved in her own choices as her spouse is. A marriage cannot be maintained or saved by only one of them.
Gag me.
http://lubabnomore.blogspot.com/2008/03/eliot-mess.html
Above is a relevant post that might be an interesting read in this context.
I dunno... I sort of think that the only woman with anything to do with this was the prostitute.
But no one has mentioned what bothers me most. The man engaged in illegal activity. He participated in the very type of illegal activity he as busting up and prosecuting (prostitution rings). And he possibly did this on taxpayer's $$$. THAT'S the real point.
Hi Stacey! Yes, of course you are absolutely right...I think it hasn't been mentioned because Jack was asking about Dr. Laura and the whole question of marriage and blame, etc.
And Shai...you really don't know that they will stay together. Many wives have stood next to their husband's, and then the marriage broke up. And to say that his wife and daughters deserved this? Sorry, can't go there.
Cruisinmom, nobody said anybody "deserved" this. All Dr L was saying was that there is a cause and effect between how spouses are treated and whether they seek their needs elsewhere. That goes for both husbands and wives I pointed out, because Dr. L seemed to imply only women ignore men. Obviously that isn't true, and I doubt that Dr. L believes that.
Regarding "deserved", I don't know how you got me all tied up in this. I'm just saying that WE can't draw any lesson from it by just assuming the blame can't be shared, and that only one side is at fault. The only lesson for the rest of us is that we shouldn't ignore our spouses, and if the marriage isn't working, not to sit on the fence, have your cake and eat it too. Disagree with that if you want, but at least address that point because that's the one I made.
All Dr L was saying was that there is a cause and effect between how spouses are treated and whether they seek their needs elsewhere.
This completely ignores the fact that some people are always trying to catch the new high they get w/being with someone new. For Dr. L to act like this is the only reason people cheat is ridiculous. There are many reasons. Ego, mid-life crisis, insecurities, boredom, or just wanting something different.
I am not saying any of these are valid reasons to stray (are there really any valid reasons?), I'm saying that for her to put the blame on the wife when she knows nothing about the dynamics of their marriage is just RIDICULOUS! We are all responsible for our own actions!
This is one of the things I can't stand about Dr. Laura. She has a point but she messes it all up with her personality.
Let's see. She is going on with Merideth Vieira. Do ;you think there might be snare or two waiting on her big mouth.
Blaming the wife for their husband's cheating is like blaming wives for the abuse they take.
Sure wives should treat their husbands better. I understand that. But how can this wife be culpable for him putting his penis where it doesn't belong? This is horrible logic.
A close family member is married to a man who was openly affectionate with her. They enjoyed a healthy sex life and he complimented her often on her body and how in shape she was. He was also leading a double life as a "widower" and having affairs with 23 other women. This is called "sexual addiction". He never thought he would be caught. He was, has sought intensive help, and is in recovery. How is this his wife's fault?
Shai, you said: "Regarding "deserved", I don't know how you got me all tied up in this. I'm just saying that WE can't draw any lesson from it by just assuming the blame can't be shared, and that only one side is at fault."
and then you said:
"I presume, like you, that she doesn't deserve this. But I don't know."
To me, it seems that by saying, you don't know, that kind of implies that she possibly did deserve it. Gosh, even if she was the most wretched bitch on earth...I can't see how that is justification for his behavior.
But, that's just how I see it. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.
I stand corrected. I was not aware of all the specifics.
Apologies if this appears twice. Blogger comments screwiness is afoot.
Dr. Laura cheated on her first husband and broke up the previous marriage of her current husband.
I think those facts give a really interest context to her thoughts on this issue.
Do I throw up now or later?
Let's not get all excited about her standing by him, and him staying with her. This is all very new. In the photo of her standing next to him during the press conference, you could not see the gun she was holding to his back.
And who says they'll stay together?
How the mighty have fallen. And all for $5500.00 hour of fun.
How stupid can you be?
Well first of all that was definitely the strangest interview I've seen in a while and unfortunately, I have not seen the full episode to know exactly what more was said, imply, etc.
In my opinion, Shai, is totally right on many points except I don't agree about why the governor resigned. But really, until his autobiography comes out, it's all a guess.
Shai wrote - "How anybody could pass judgment without knowing the inner details is beyond me..." That's the key to understanding why people cheat and whether or not to pass judgement. It's simply not always black and white.
But, in the case of the governor, whose fault it is or whether or not his wife should stay, shouldn't be the focus here. What should be the only focus is that he committed a crime. The scandal is not only disappointing to his constituents and supporters, but it leaves you questioning his career and all criminal cases he was involved in as a prosecutor. Any decisions he made as Governor is highly suspect as well. It has open a can of worms to the possibility of a corrupt man and office.
As for cheating spouses, of course it's very easy to pass judgement. We all do that - when you make a commitment to someone or to a family, the act itself is treason, and it creates a lot damage and pain. Often the reaction we have upon hearing about cheating spouses and boy/girlfriends, stems from our own need of preservation and protection. We may not know the person or people involved, but we all have felt rejection sometime in our life and possibly fearful of being cheated on, etc, and that may be why we are so offended and disgusted by it.
However, until you are in the shoes of the person who is having the affair and you understand the psychology that led up to it or that's behind it, again it's not all that black and white. Admittedly, I do know both men and women who have done this and yes, sometimes, it is hard not to allow it affect my opinion of their character, but it's the risk of the fallout which has the most concern to me, for them.
If financially you are stable but are staying in a marriage or relationship (while continuing to have an affair) because of the children, personally, I think one is doing more harm than good.
I forgot to add that what Stacey said is also right on. But again, there are reasons behind those actions and it does get tied in to what ultimately they are getting from their spouses.
This doesn't mean the fault lies within the spouse, it just means, that whatever is missing for that person, for one reason or the other, is not possibly being communicated and/or addressed.
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