Poop Patrol

I live in an ordinary home in a ordinary neighborhood in an ordinary suburb. Most of my neighbors are pleasant people. They take pride in their homes and do a nice job of working together to maintain the neighborhood. This is not to say that we do not have our share of kooky neighbors. To the best of my knowledge we do not have any inhabitants who resemble those of 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

I am pleased to say that during the six years that I have lived here there have been a handful of times in which I have been upset about the behavior of the neighbors. The most recent problem has been with some teenagers who like to park their car across the street from the house so that they can spend some quality time together.

You try explaining to a six year-old why the boy is jumping up and down on the girl or why the car keeps shaking. But I digress.

A new issue has developed and this does have my attention. Someone has decided to let their dog use my front lawn as their canine commode. Three days in a row I have found the evidence of their time here. This is not something that I will tolerate. If you have a dog it is your obligation to clean the crap.

So as of 7:30 AM P.S.T. the house is on red alert. The poop patrol has been notified. I will catch them and I will see that they understand that this beastly behavior ceases immediately. If not I will take the appropriate steps to see that the situation is rectified.

Just as a dog marks his territory you can mark my words. This is war.


AS said...

Next on the agenda: Limiting the use of
toilet paper

Jewish Atheist said...

LOL. Keep us updated.

Anonymous said...

Good luck happy pooper hunting

Anonymous said...

Ah, sweet revenge...what will it be? Chemical warfare? Hurled projectiles? Psy Ops? Firearms? Keep us posted Jack! Victory is yours! This is SPARTA!!!!

Holy Hyrax said...

...why the boy is jumping up and down on the girl

jumping on the girl??????? (scrathing head)

Pam said...

Ooh, I hate when people don't clean up after their dogs! Then when I walk my dog, he either wants to stick his nose in their poop or step in it. Yuck! Unsanitary!

Anonymous said...

This is how they handle these problems in Korea.
(It would probably work for either one)

Jack Steiner said...


Nah, already covered that one.


Will do.


Wish the other guy luck. They need it.


Victory shall be mine.


I'll send you a diagram.


You said it.



benning said...

Definitely let us know the outcome! I hate people who do that. Yech!

The Misanthrope said...

I was over at my folks house and a couple walking their dog let it do its business on the lawn, so I came out with a shovel and asked them to pick it up, mind you, this was a middle age couple, they took off running. I was shocked.

In the old neighborhood, everyday was a doggie surprise.

Anonymous said...

The thought corossees my mind to use the poop on the teens' car and dare them to make anything of it, or use a hose on the car to "cool them off". Better yet, call la policia. They frown on such displays, and you can videotape the idiots doing it. Their parents will be thrilled to be confronted with that video, especially if it comes with an accompanying fine and possible restrictions on driving privileges.

The hose works great on dogs too, and it disintegrates poop. That said, we never had to get to that level because the woman who was once doing that to us (and leaving her cigarette butts on our lawn and drive) took off running when she heard me galumph down the stairs a few times. Scared her right off without haing to say word one.

Jack Steiner said...


Will do.


I am fairly certain that the "owner" of the dog is a middle aged woman.


A hose is a good tool. You just have to be prepared for the response.

JJ said...

Canine commode LOL

That's one of my "pet" peeves as well, I HATE people who don't clean up after their dogs. Don't forget to let us know what happens!

Jack Steiner said...


Will do.

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