It Said Some Assembly Required

In the aftermath of the holidays I think that I can speak for both Jewish and Christian parents when I say that I view gifts that have the words Some Assembly Required on the box in the same way that I view a colonoscopy.

If you are familiar with the preparation for a colonoscopy you can probably appreciate just how exciting I find this to be:
Thorough cleansing of the bowel is necessary before a colonoscopy. You will likely be asked to take a laxative the night before the procedure. In some cases you may be asked to give yourself an enema. An enema is performed by inserting a bottle with water and sometimes a mild soap in your anus to clean out the bowels.
Any time you are required to shove something up an into a place that's primary use is an exit for waste you can be certain that the experience is going to be something that is less than pleasurable.

If you are the nervous type you might find that your doctor/friends try and gloss over the discomfort by saying that one day this is going to make a great story. That is code for saying that you are about to get fucked. Now I don't know about you, but I liked to be kissed before I am fucked.

Call me a sentimental old fool, or just naive but I am funny that way. Back to the topic at hand.

My children were the beneficiaries of a number of gifts that included the curse words I mentioned above, mind you in very small print. Said small print was placed right next to the gigantic photo of kids using said toy.

Of course my kids never notice the fine print. All they see is the picture of other children having more fun than they can imagine leading them to shriek with joy at the thought of being able to use the same toy.

It doesn't take much imagination to see how this goes. Good old dad pulls the gift out of the box and with great gusto attempts to understand the schematic that serves as instructions for assembly. Said schematic usually is written in four languages, none of which are English and none of which I speak.

Fortunately I am relatively handy. It may take a little while, but I manage to assemble the toy in question. What I want to know is why do I always find myself holding three extra parts.
It makes me wonder if the engineer that designed these things might be related to me because I am diabolical enough to intentionally include a couple useless extra parts for the sole purpose of causing parents to curse.

Hmmm...I wonder if karma is kicking me in the ass.


Gooch said...

Someday I'll have to post about the time we bought one of my stepsons a trampoline for his birthday. I left work early on a Friday to have it set up by the time he got home from school. By early Sunday morning, the task was completed.

Jack Steiner said...


That sounds like a lot of fun. Better you than me. ;)

Anonymous said...

You distracted me with your analogy. I hope you don't scare any readers away from getting a colonoscopy if their doctors have told them to get one. There's an unusually high incidence of colon cancer in some Ashkenazi families.

Anyway, when it's time, opt for the "Go-Litely" drink instead of the enema. Works fine, and you can call yourself "Holly Golightly" if it helps you feel like Audrey (despite the very unglamorous situation).

chosha said...

No, no. The purpose of the three extra parts is to make you mistakenly believe that you have voided the warranty by using the toy when it was not assembled correctly. ;)

Jack Steiner said...


"Go-Litely" is an understatement.



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