Happy Holidays is An Appropriate Greeting

(This is a repeat from last year)

The other day someone wished me a Merry Xmas and I responded with Happy Holidays. He went off on a two minute tirade about how my comment was indicative of the problems with the US.

I was feeling feisty so I asked him if he approved of gay marriage. He said no to which I responded that I was glad to hear that because I was interested in sleeping with his daughter. He fumed and sputtered and made the mistake of continuing the conversation with me and because sometimes I enjoy engaging in juvenile and pedantic behavior I obliged him.

He told me that he was sure I was a liberal and a card carrying member of the ACLU. I told him that I was liberal in my use of ketchup and other condiments and asked him if he wanted to give me the secret ACLU handshake. I also told him that on the weekends my ACLU buddies and I liked to go the local hunting lodge and tear it up with the locals. This threw him for a loop but I wasn't surprised because he was a simple man with simple thoughts that he had never explored.

He told me that he thought that it was a shame that I had killed our lord and I asked him if he really believed that. He said that with my words I was killing him again and again. So I asked him if he believed in the resurrection to which he said yes.

My next point kind of threw him because I asked him a simple question. I said you think that I killed G-d but how can you kill G-d and if I was capable of killing G-d did he think that it was smart to argue with me because if I had that kind of power I might choose to turn him into a newt or force him to live in detroit or cleveland.

At some point a woman joined our conversation and started shouting at me about something. As I am an old hand at pressing buttons I looked at her and asked her snootily if Kate Spade knew that she was carrying a poor knock-off and wondered if her shower curtain had somehow been turned into a dress.

And then she told me that I wasn't acting very Xtian and I laughed and said that I never did. Little did I know that this would make her so upset that she offered to get on her knees and pray for me. I told her that getting on her knees in the parking lot might get us both arrested and that my wife would be quite upset with me if I let her, but thank you anyway.

In the meantime the man that had started all of this nonsense started yelling something about going on a mission to give every house a nativity scene. I told him that if he could fix the potholes and offer a chicken in every pot that I would vote for him.

And with that I said that I had to leave and so I wished him a Happy Kwanzaa and resumed my shopping.


marallyn ben moshe said...

hahahaha...no wait let me say that better...HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Anonymous said...

LOL. :)

But seriously, Jack, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself killed when you push the wrong person's buttons.

Jack Steiner said...




It is possible, but most people think twice before they fight with a man who is 6'8 285 pounds.

Chandira said...

ROFLMAO... That was truly awesome.. (Dang! Wish I'd been a bystander..)

I often wonder how Xtains think they're doing the right thing when they spread so much hatred.

have popcorn will lurk said...

6'8 285?

OK, I'm afraid of you now.

chosha said...

I wish everybody a Merry Christmas, but that's just habit. Plus I don't know any Jewish people in Australia; I don't think the Jewish community is very large here. A few friends and I used to celebrate Chrunnukah when we lived in the same city, so we could have one celebration together.

I realy like the expression 'Happy Holidays' actually, just because it's so inclusive. It's like saying, 'whatever it is you celebrate this season, I hope you and yours are happy and well'. So Happy Holidays, Jack!

Jack Steiner said...

I realy like the expression 'Happy Holidays' actually, just because it's so inclusive.


Me too.

Sheyna said...


Man, I wish I had that talent!

Jack Steiner said...


It has its good points and its bad, believe me.

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