Tonight I tried to write a post about my feelings. I tried to write about what I feel when I am overcome with weakness and insecurity. I sat at the keyboard and typed out a thousand words that were supposed to illustrate what I feel and how I deal with these feelings.
I typed it out and then was so disappointed and dismayed with what I wrote that I was forced to delete it.
And then I tried to write something different. I tried to write the beginning of a short story and all I could do was come up with 17 versions of tired cliches.
In the quiet of the evening I thought that I could tap into something raw and powerful and come away with fake and superficial. I tried hard to reach deep inside, to find something that would make me choke up. I thought that it would be good to reach that point where I was embarrassed to read the words because it was that real.
Instead I found something shallow and then a wall that stopped me in my tracks.
For a moment I was ambivalent. For just an instant I wasn't concerned about my inability to climb the hill. And then I was just disappointed with myself. I was sorry that I couldn't get myself to the place I wanted to be, that I couldn't meet my own goal and that made me sad.
I failed. I failed. I failed.
So now I head off to bed wondering where I fell short and why. But I promised myself one thing. As I drift off to sleep my thoughts will be on happier things and a smile will be on my face.
Tomorrow will be a new day and another step in my journey. I'll be one step closer to....
6 comments:
jack,
Sometimes when we try to force ourselves to write a certain way, it always fails. When I try to force myself, it usually turns out to be a vacous piece of drivel. I found I can only write effectively when I feel passionate about the subject.
It focuses me to write what I feel not what I percieve that I should write. Keep trying. You have a way with words that can pull at heart strings.
it's not a failure to face what's bothering you and get it out paper. even if it isn't what you expected! it's out there now so you don't have to worry about it any more and simply think of different things for next time.
keep trying because each time is one step closer to what you want. and when you least expect, the words you want will come to you.
DJ,
Yes, um sure.
Seawitch,
The passion makes all the difference. It really makes it easier to write when I feel it.
Sarah,
Thanks. makes sense to me.
That's a great post about failure...opps, guess you didn't fail. (I know the feeling...personally, I don't think it means you're a failure...I think it means it just wasn't the right time for those feelings to make their way onto paper.
Successful post about failure - does that make any sense? Great post, Jack (and the one before this as well).
Ugh - I was wondering why there were no new posts from you, ever since I put my blogroll on a feed; then I realized that's because for some reason your blog wasn't on the feed! Catch up time.
Randi,
You could be right.
Ezzie,
I haven't retired yet. :)
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