May 24, 2006

How To Deal With Angry Canadians

A felllow at the gym is preparing to take a trip to Canada and has asked for my help. He heard from another guy that I have spent some time in Toronto and thought that I might be able to assist him with something.

It seems that he is concerned about America's image abroad and wants to know How To Deal With Angry Canadians as he is sure that they are going to want to speak with him I know that this sounds ridiculous, that is what I thought. On the other hand I have been playing ball with him for about three years now and know that he is a bit of a wingnut.

So the man approaches me with his concerns and asked me a couple of pointed questions. He opened with a short little diatribe about how no "Dudley Do-right" was going to be able to get the better of him because he was going to use his preemptive strike ability. Apparently this means that he was going to start cursing first.

Don't forget that this guy is more than just a little wacky. Anyway, he tells me that part of his plan involves being able to curse at them in their own language.

"Jack, give me five or six really good curse words in Candian. I don't need any more than that because I am really good at combining them."

In case you are wondering he is a former candidate for Mensa, but I digress.

"Jim, just use your standard American terms. You don't need any more than that."

Don't ask me why I didn't ask him why he assumed that he would have trouble. I must have been caught in the moment, or maybe stupidity is contagious, in which case you better take two steps back from your computer monitor.

"Really? Isn't there something better?"

"Not really, just choose from your standard package of your favorite four letter words."

For a moment this sufficed and then he thought about it. While the smoke poured out of his ears I tried to think of something that would hold his immense attention span for more than two minutes.

"Ok, if you feel that you really must insult them say something about them being the 51st state or some sort of extension of the US. Ask them if they ride a moose to school. But be careful."

Apparently this worked as he trotted off into the locker room as happy as a clam. Of course now if there is some kind of international incident I may be partially responsible, as if I needed any more complications in my life.

9 comments:

rgmb said...

I am still a Canuk citizen, however, I've lived here since I was two years old so I feel like I'm an American. But frankly, this bud of yours will just confirm to my fellow Canadians what they already think, that we're a bunch of jack asses. Now, on the otherhand, if he could gather together his Mensa points (or even 2/3rds would be nice) and prove otherwise that would be dandy. But my guess is he'll represent us poorly.

ric said...

The typical response from an angry Canadian would be "We're bigger and we are on top. If North America were a prison then the USA would be our bitch". Mind you it assumes a general level of geography most Americans don't have.

A much better way to deal with an angry mountie of the log cabin set is to buy him a beer eh?

tikkunger said...

Well, let me weigh in as the token Cunuckistanian & offer the following advice/suggestion.

Just make sure that your special friend is clearly identified so that we know who he is when he gets here. I will call my friends in Toronto (because as every American knows, all Canadians know one another) and will make sure he has a nice safe trip that is incident free. Maybe they can take him to Tim Horton's for a lovely cup of coffee and a tasty maple donut. Just make sure he's clearly identified, so my friends can find him when he gets here, and I'm sure all will be OK.

Jack's Shack said...

RGMB,

He wouldn't be my choice of ambassadors.

"We're bigger and we are on top. If North America were a prison then the USA would be our bitch".

I like that. You are correct, many Americans are geographically challenged.

TG,

Tim Hortons- do you want to kill him. Krispy Kreme all the way.

seawitch said...

But, but, I thought Canada was our 51st state. Isn't it our largest nature preserve? :)

Maybe you should have suggested that he watch the RedGreen Show on PBS. Tell him that's how all Canadians act and to take plenty of duct tape! :)

Why is it that Mensa members seem to be short a few bricks?

The back of the hill said...

I wonder if he worries whether he will need a phrase book.

He should buy one now - he might have to go to England one day.

Jack's Shack said...

Seawitch,

Now you have done it. In a short time there is a going to be a host of angry Canucks at my door. ;)

Back,

He needs a lot of help.

Bill said...

No seawitch we are just your largest trading partner.

tikkunger - nope your not the token Canadian here, shhh your giving away the secret that we are taking over one blog at a time.

Hey Jack here is something your buddy might want to read....

An Old Molson Beer advertisment.
read with pride and getting louder toward the end.

-------------

The Rant

Hey.
I'm not a lumberjack,
or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo
or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister,
not a President.
I speak English and French,
NOT American.
and I pronouce it ABOUT,
NOT A BOOT.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!
AND I AM CANADIAN!

--------

Awe God loves stereotypes.

Jack's Shack said...

Bill,

That is pretty funny.