Playing Games With Telemarketers

Somehow the telemarketers have discovered my direct line at my office. I need to call the hotline and have my telephone number removed so that I am not besieged by telephone spam.

I can always tell when the call is legitimate and when it is a telemarketer because of the tell-tale pause between the time I pick up, say hello and by the delay in their response.

Today I received three different calls. Not to go off on a tangent but these calls would be much more interesting and enjoyable if they mirrored the spam in my inbox.

I am tempted to hire people to act these out just for the fun of it. There will be three different models.
Model A: A woman with a seductive and sultry voice will call men to speak with them about how using her special pills will enlarge their penis.

Model B: A man pretending to be a lawyer will contact people on behalf of his very wealthy client who is in desperate need of assistance in moving his money from some obscure bank in Nigeria.

Model C: This can be a man or a woman who will tell you really bad jokes and pass on urban legends about how using ordinary household products cause cancer or why passing on a chain letter will bring you good fortune.
But back to the most recent telephone call and the fun of speaking with said telemarketer.

Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Shack please?

Jack: Can I tell him who is calling:

Telemarketer: It is a very important telephone call that is of a personal nature.

Jack: That is ok, I am personally acquainted with Mr. Shack and have seen him naked on many occasions.

Dead Silence (Is there any other kind)

Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him.

Jack: Ok, it is very important that you tell me who you are because I could lose my job if you do not.

Telemarketer: Sir, you may tell him that I am calling in relationship to his financial future.

Jack: I knew it, last night the fortune cookie said that money was in my future. Of course the first one said something about being tied up in a shoelace factory.

Telemarketer: Is he there?

Jack: Yes, let me get him.

(Pause, followed by me answering the phone. Don’t they recognize my voice.)

Telemarketer: Mr. Shack?

Jack: Yes?

Telemarketer: Excuse me, is this Mr. Shack? You sound just like the man I first spoke with.

Jack: That is because he is me and I am him and we are all together. Koo koo kachoo. I am the walrus.

Telemarketer: Ok. The reason I am calling is because Citibank would like to give you money to use on your home.

Jack: What is the interest rate?

Telemarketer: The what?

Jack: The interest rate?

Telemarketer: Umm, umm, umm

Jack: Skip ahead in your script and I am sure that you can find the numbers. Let’s talk turkey.

Telemarketer: I am confused.

Jack: That’s ok, I am tired. Nice to meet you. Now what about that interest rate.

(Droning of the telemarketer reading the script to me)

Telemarketer: And this is why Citibank would like to give you a no hassle home equity line.

Jack: Ok, can you send it to me by mail.

Telemarketer: What is your email address?

Jack: No, to my home address.

Telemarketer: What is your email address?

Jack: Do you know the words to I can’t Get No Satisfaction” by the Stones

Telemarketer: No.

Jack: What about ‘Jumping Jack Flash?’

Telemarketer: Is that a nickname?

Jack: No. It is a song, let me sing it to you.

Telemarketer: I apologize, but I am not sure that I understand the words.

Jack: That’s ok, I don’t think that Mick does either.

Telemarketer: Who is Mick?

Jack: How about a chorus of “Louie Louie?’ Most people don’t know the words to that either.

And then there was a click and a dial tone. I think that she hung up on me.



Louie Louie, oh no
Me gotta go
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
Louie Louie, oh baby
Me gotta go
How did the Model A go?

Maddie said...

Once, when asked why I was not interested in taking three months of the newspaper for free, I told a telemarketer I did not know how to read.

Michael Suddard said...

Asked numerous times if I wanted new windows for my house. Used the following responses:

1. "My house doesn't have windows or doors...HELP ME GET OUT! I AM SUFFOCATING!"

2. "I just got my windows done by your company, so why would you want to do them over again?"

Anonymous said...

Isn't there a law now where they aren't supposed to call?

Jack Steiner said...


Model A is going to be great, one day.


Good response.


They are a pain in the ass.


Yes, there are some rules, but I am not totally familiar with them.

Anonymous said...

I happened upon your blog randomly, and you're funny! You make me laugh out loud at my desk.

Michael Suddard said...

Neil wrote:

"Isn't there a law now where they aren't supposed to call?"

Only the United States, that I am aware of, has this law if your name is on a "do not call list."

In Canada these pain in the asses are allowed to call. There has been off and on pressure to set up a do not call list. I am unsure as to the status of this issue in Canada.

PsychoToddler said...

I gotta try that.

I keep getting calls from the Policeman's ball. I used to think that if I bribed--I mean bought a ticket to the ball and then put that little sticker in the window of my car, it would give me some protectzia. But recently I got a ticket, so I stopped paying the extortion--that is donating to the fund.

But they keep calling me.

"Hello, is Mark there?"

"who's this?"


"Brian who"

"You don't need to know my name"

"I don't need to know your name"

"these aren't the droids your looking for"

"these aren't the droids I'm looking for"

"you can buy a ticket to the policeman's ball"

"brian who?"

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