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Letters to the Editor

Deer Jack,
I haf been reeding you for a long time now. Keep up the good werk.

-Adolf

Ok, I am confused/amused by this. What the hell is this and could you be real. I don't think so.

Jack,
Did you go to UCLA and if so did you take an astronomy class there? You look familiar. I think that I might know you.
Regards,

Jonathan Wooden

Actually if you are John Wooden you have probably seen me at VIPs in Tarzana at your morning breakfast and you most assuredly have seen me but that would be more than 25 years ago when you used to jog by my bus stop. As for my time at UCLA you might have found me wandering around Ackerman or playing ball at the Wooden Center.
Jack, what is your relationship to the Shmata Queen and who is she?

-Max

Hi Max,

The Shmata Queen can be found in her own corner of cyberspace. She is my wife, friend, concubine and mystery woman. Or maybe she is just one of my 17 sisters. Aside from a mistaken sojourn in cleveland she is a pretty decent lady who has one hell of a right but she is a sucker for a right hand lead. Be careful because she is good at slipping the jab.
Jack, I wish that I could be as cool as you. Please tell me what I can do.

-Sheila
It is a simple process. First you need to learn how to write so that the sarcasm oozes off of the page. I am still working on that one, but I suspect that you know all about being sarcastic and bitter. Or maybe not. Maybe you really do think I am cool. Maybe you really like me in which case pretend I am Sally Field accepting an award.

Well folks that is a partial selection of recent email. I left out a few because I don't want any of you muscling in on my Nigerian/South African/Russian benefactors who have all sworn to make me rich.

Beyond that I am quite afraid that some of you men may abscond with the enormous amounts of Viagra and pills that are guaranteed to increase my length and girth to such an extent that horses will be ashamed to be seen near me and I can't miss out on that opportunity now can I.

Back later. Enjoy your day.

Comments

Wait, are you saying that you also got an e-mail from the Nigerian family promising me $17 million if I helped them launder their family's fortune out of Africa? I thought I was the only one! Does this mean we have to share the $17 mil?

I wonder how, out of the hundreds of millions of people on the internet, you and I were the only ones to be contacted by these poor folks.

By the way, don't always believe those discount Viagra ads. The ones they send you in the Tic-Tacs box taste better than the original, but don't seem to be as "potent."

*Morris Workman
www.mesquedia.com
workmanchronicles.blogspot.com
Jack Steiner said…
Morris,

I am happy to split the money with you there is more than enough for all of us. ;)
Bill said…
Sorry guys my idiot half cousin once removed from Arkansas named Earl says he and his wife/cousin Beulah, have already sent their banking info to the Nigerian Oil company ex-CEO so they have first dibs on the money.

But if their inventors kit pays off and helps them patent the indoor toilet that plays elvis songs when you flush, then they will happily let you invest and reap huge profits along with them.
Jack Steiner said…
Damn, screwed by Earl again.