September 02, 2010

The Hope and The Dream

(A New insert for Fragments of Fiction)

You are out there in the dark. Somewhere in a different place than I you stand in your kitchen cooking dinner or maybe you are sitting at your desk working. It doesn't really matter because it is not my dinner that you are cooking and not our home that you are returning to. The life we once planned on sharing together is not the life that we have today.

I know how that sounds and I know how much you hate to hear it. We are so very similar and so very different in how we handle and and respond to some things. When the heat comes down you do all that you can to stay busy. It is easier to keep running than to focus on things that you feel like you cannot fix. But that is not me, that is not who I am.

Blame it on being male or being a dreamer. Blame it upon a desire to be your hero because you know that is part of what I have always wanted to be for you. Best friend, partner, lover and hero.Those are things to be especially proud of and I would wear that badge without regret for eternity.

We complement each other in so many ways and always have. There is a balance that is established between us, an equilibrium that works to our advantage. It is part of what makes us so formidable and not just a tragic love story that never was and never could be. I know what The Circumstances of Astrology are and I know why you said what you said.

That is why I wrote A Letter To A Girl Who Was because I had to find another way to say what needs to be said. I had to keep doing it because the hero is also a relentless schmuck who continually fights the war between head and heart. You may push me away but you never disappear nor tell me to get lost. These aren't the actions of someone who truly has no feelings or desire. They come across as being more of a test of just how serious I am.

They come across as the actions of someone who doesn't want to let go anymore than I do. When I close my eyes I still see you staring back at me. When I am stuck in traffic and listening to sports talk radio I hear you talking. Sometimes it is nothing more than bits and pieces about your day. The news isn't particularly significant or important but it is part of who we are and we like to share it.

Do you remember when I softly sang these words to you

"No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here
Nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here
With you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you "

and how together we sang

'Then say you'll share with me one love,
One lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you want me
And you need me
Beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
That's all I ask of you "

Actually I don't have to ask because I know that you do and that you haven't forgotten. I know this because some moments and some truths are burned upon our souls and forever imprinted. So for better or for worse I find myself with a hope and a dream that I haven't been able to give up on.

It is not that I haven't tried because god almighty knows that I have blessed and cursed the day that I met you. Read that last line twice, I never said cursed you. I may have cursed the circumstances and situation. I may have railed at the heavens in anger for making it so difficult to find each other. I may have called down the thunder and offered to to fight Zeus, Hades and all the hounds of hell. That is not only probable, but likely.

All of this reminds me of a line from Pride and Prejudice, "Sometimes the last person on earth you want to be with is the one person you can't be without."

Because I suspect that this might describe you better than you would like. Say what you will about logic and rational thought, I think otherwise. The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants. We are who we are and we do what we do.

Just a few more words before I must head off to meet whatever task is at hand. I cannot help but wonder what you would say if you could be completely honest with your thoughts and feelings. I cannot help but wonder how you would react if you thought that you might truly lose me forever.

Maybe I am the only one filled with dread at this prospect or maybe my heart is right and you hate this thought as much as I do. Time will tell.

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