March 07, 2010

Seeking Closure

We started a story
Whose end must now wait

And, tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when will I hold you again
Weekend In New England- Barry Manilow

"In a world of doubt and fear
I wake at night and reach to find you near
Lost in a dream, you caught me as I fell
I want more than just a dream to tell"
Happy-Bruce Springsteen

Hello. How are you?
Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights
That's what I'd say. I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah

"Hey. How you feelin?
Are you still the same?
Don't you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream?
I just can't believe
They've all faded out of view yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah"
Telephone Line- Electric Light Orchestra

"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life"
Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

"don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong"
Don't Give Up- Peter Gabriel (with Kate Bush)

Your name is Johnny and you are back inside your cave. It is a poorly lit garage that is filled with weights, furniture, tools and a beat up heavy bag that you use to pound out your frustration. On one hand you are a contradiction, Eminently patient, exceptionally confident and in tune with the world around you.

Life hasn't always gone the way you want it to but you don't care because you believe in your heart that you can and will control your destiny. It might take some time to make it happen, but it will happen.

But then again you are also fighting the soft whispers of insecurity. Little voices that say that it is great that you have these plans but that they really are nothing more than illusions of grandeur. So some times you stare in the mirror and wonder if you are delusional fool who needs to be medicated.

At the moment you are circling that worn heavy bag. It is filled with sand and is supposed to weigh 200 pounds but you are not really sure if that is true because once you start throwing combinations it has a habit of moving around. You want to believe that it really does weigh that much. You like the idea. Your active imagination can hear Howard Cosell standing outside the ring, calling out " Down Goes Frazier" not to mention Ali, Tyson, Foreman and for good measure Joe Louis.

You're feeling more than a little frustrated and just a little confused. There is a war going on between your heart and your head. June is on your mind again and you're not sure what to do. She left a long time ago amd didn't give you a reason to hang onto hope that you'd see her again.

Under other circumstances known as prior experiences you would have sucked it up and walked away. You might not have been happy about it, but you would have walked away. It would have been part ego and part survival, but you would have done it.

The thing is that your heart won't let go and your gut says that you shouldn't. You keep hearing her voice talking to you. Little echoes of the past that you hope predict the future. You remember her telling you that you were the love of her life and that nothing could ever change that. The image changes and she asks you to get your head out of your ass and just accept that what you have is real. She knows that you're scared and she is too. But she tells you to hold onto her and she'll do the same.

Click, the image changes again. You are getting ready to end things. You don't want to, but you know that she has things to do and you think that she has to do them without you. She tells you not to give up because you still love each other. You are so very thankful to have found this amazing woman that you heed her words.

Another click and the scene changes again. She is furious with you and screaming. The two of you don't fight often but when you do it is a knock down bang out fight that you wouldn't see with anyone else. There is so much pent up passion. But even though it is nasty you always make up. You always apologize and you agree that you trust each other on a deeper level than you have ever tursted anyone else.

And you remember that June told you to ignore her mouth. Those are her words. She has told you that when she is angry she says things and it is ok with you. You love her far too much to just walk away. You can't imagine your life without her and you can't remember a time when she wasn't a part of it.

With a loud scream you throw a haymaker at the bag. The force of the blow knocks it into a shelf and down goes the toolbox. Suddenly you are bent over at the waist, exhausted. Later on the little boy in you will be impressed by how much force you put into that last shot. The weightlifting is working.

But for now you are in a different place. It is months since you last spoke. There have been little murmurs between the two of you, but nothing of substance. You miss her terribly and hope that she feels the same. You suspect that she does. Your heart says that she must and your head agrees, but then again maybe she doesn't.

You sit down on the cold concrete, take off your gloves and listen to the rest of your workout mix. A drop of sweat slides off of your brow and finds its way into your eye. You appreciate the stinging. Somehow it seems fitting.

With a soft chuckle you look up at the ceiling and guess at the location of the moon. "June, I haven't any closure. Is that intentional or are you the kind who just can't say."

You're happy that there is no answer because if there was you'd know that you really are crazy. So you close your eyes and inhale through your nose. With a deep sigh you let out the air and shake your head.

The logical analysis of the situation is the same as it has been for months. She is not completely gone but she is not coming back any time soon. In fact, she may never come back. You repeat that to yourself a couple of times and then laugh. You are among the most stubborn people ever made. You won't let go until you are good and ready.

And that is ok with you. If need be you'll accept it and move on. You won't ever forget your June, but you can't do it on your own. But you're not focusing on that because it is not part of your plan.

Ah yes, the plan. You are pleased at the simplicity of it. It is called live your life. And that is what you are doing. Not to sound overly new agey, but you are working on yourself. You have a list of things that you want to accomplish and now is the perfect time to do that. If things work out and somehow you find your way  back to each other there will be that much more to discuss. And if it doesn't, well you haven't lost time moping over something that you have no control over.

Slowly you stand up and smile. Life isn't exactly what you want it to be but you feel good because you know that in spite of those soft whispers you are doing all that you can to take control of things. And that is something to be both happy and proud of.

4 comments:

Heather said...

fragmnets of fiction, i like it. I'm, not the only one that spends ages making up stories to go with songs in my head then? Snow patrol are a particular favourite of mine for that game.

Jack said...

Thanks. It is a lot of fun writing these little tales.

rabbi neil fleischmann said...

thanks for reminding me of that manlow and elo - 2 favorites from my youth. i never before realized how poignant the elo lyrics were.

Jack said...

That ELO song is really good.