Once upon a time I regularly used this blog as my confessional. It was the place I came to when I needed to mentally exhale and let go. It was a happy and safe place that I used as a refuge. Over time things happened that chipped away at the sense of joy and security it provided. Little bits of this and that came and went and the desire to use it in this fashion was diminished.
I found it all to be a bit disturbing. No one wants to see their happy place disappear or be tarnished in any fashion. We may all understand that life never stops changing, but you still want to know that there is a place that is static. It feels good to know that there is at least one place that you can always rely upon to be...safe.
But life takes our plans and does what it will to them. You go to sleep knowing that on the other side of the world people are starting their day. You go to sleep knowing that somewhere in the night there are still people who are awake, working, playing, living their lives and that this impacts your world too.
This is not the first time that I have touched upon this topic. Earlier this year I wrote A Life Without Regrets because that is really what I want. It may not be realistic to have that as a goal, but there is good reason to shoot for the stars.
Incidentally I began writing this post earlier today and then had to set it aside for hours. I mention that because some time the gap in time creates a difference in tone.
Inside my mind I can hear a voice that sounds a bit like Sam Elliot say something to the effect of "when a man reaches a certain age there are certain things that he wants..." It is a bit of tired cliche, but it is quite true. I am 39 and struggling to accept certain changes in my life. Many of them are tiny things that I normally would shrug off, but they are part of a larger group and that irks me.
The collective nature of these scrapes and bruises is a bit wearing.
Divide and conquer. Break it all down into tiny little pieces. Take it day by day. All you can do is your best. You'll get through it. One day you'll look back at this time and laugh. One day you'll look at this time and think about how easy it all was.
That last paragraph is a partial collection of the kind of advice I have received over the years from friends and family. I have been known to share a few of those with those who have sought my counsel too.
Are they reasonable comments. Do they contain the sort of wisdom that you can use to overcome challenges. Will they ease the pain.
That last paragraph is a partial collection of the sorts of responses I have to that collection of advice. It is added to the four letter words that are swirling throughout my head. I may yet look back and laugh or I may look back and cry.
I haven't any problem accepting that life is a journey and that part of the joy of living is what you experience on the road. That makes sense and I believe in it. But it doesn't assuage my concerns. It doesn't repair the damage created by a few mistakes here and there. It doesn't give me the ability to forgive myself for some decisions that I made that I now think were foolish.
That last paragraph is a bit more dramatic than it should be. It is not that life is miserable or that it is completely falling apart. It is just more challenging right now and I am questioning what I am getting out of some things. I wonder if there is an ROI for the struggle. I don't feel the need to beat myself over the head unless there is a reward at the end and at the moment I just don't see it.