May 22, 2009

Facing My Fear

In the early days of the blog when it was new and fresh I had complete anonymity. It provided a cloak that I could hide behind so that I could give voice to the things that troubled me. I spent a lot of time looking in the dark corners of my mind so that I could ferret out the demons and give names to the things that troubled me.

Anonymity provided the freedom to lay out those fears and to bare my soul in a way that I had been unwilling to do. But it was a crutch that helped to mask another fear, the fear of exposure. The fear that presenting myself as a thinking and feeling human with a real name would somehow harm me.

There is merit in that fear because there are those out there who prey upon our weaknesses and try to use them to wound us. Time has taught me the bitter lesson of the truth of those words. I bear the scars of the attempts that have been made to hurt me.

At times I look in the mirror and I see the impact of the past staring back at me. Moments that once haunted me occasionally are dislodged by the present and dredged to the surface. Cloaked in bravado I have roared in anger and shame and fought to stuff them back down. Bitter tears of anger and frustration spent on people and things that didn't deserve the attention, didn't merit that power.

The advantage of age and life experience has helped to make it easier to face them. And in many cases they have lost all power, any hold that they once had is gone. That has made it all easier and has served as a positive reminder that the practices I espouse and the values that I hold dear are worthwhile and effective.

But still there are those demons that never go away. Their voices are never completely silenced. Sometimes the whispers increase in volume and the silence of my life is pierced by murmurs that grow into loud shrieks and I am forced to confront it all.

And so I find myself immersed in a struggle, really many struggles. The battles never quite end because the war is never won. If you choose to stand you have to face the reality that some will always try to pull you back down into the mud.

The blog helps. It is of tremendous value. It provides a framework and a structure that I can use to build the foundation of support. It is the tool that I use to dig myself out from under the muck, to clear the wreckage. And from within that I find the things that I need.

Still, the title of this post is called Facing My Fear and I am just now getting to the place in which I am prepared to do that. It has taken time for me to be ready to confront a few things. And so the grand dance is beginning.

If you think in graphic images as I do then perhaps you understand a bit about why I choose to describe things as I do. Perhaps you understand why I write about riding off into battle, talk about the blood lust and the primal scream. I seek that which I fear because I fear anticipation of what could happen more.

Better to hear the clink and clanking of battle than to sit and wait for it. Dance so that you avoid the fire or take the risk of the house burning down around you.

Game on.


Ayrdale said...

Game on, ...I hope so mate.
I blog too, and it is a catharsis, in fact my first blog posts, now deleted, were intensely anguished, and just seeing them put down took away a lot of hurt and anger.

So much of the MSM represents everything I despise in the world, and the blogosphere, and many of the people in it, have a similar world view to me. Knowing this makes me feel we can make a difference.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Kia kaha.

Jack said...

I certainly agree that blogging can make a difference. The hard part is being dedicated.

V-Grrrl said...

Sometimes I long for anonymity so I can unleash some of what remains Unspoken, but I think even under that cloak, I wouldn't unleash on the 'Net. Sometimes I write it on paper, then throw it all away.

I think I've come to a place where I accept my voices of doubt will never be silenced. Life is an ongoing conversation between my better self and my dark self. I seek detente, not outright victory for now.

Ploni Almoni said...

"The battles never quite end"

I'm sure that some ended a long time ago. And you have the power to end the rest.

I see that you've recently turned 40. Congratulations. Could be a good time to make peace (or at least avoid those battles that never quite end).