April 22, 2008

Unsettled, Unsatisfied, Unyielding

Sometimes the words flow freely and sometimes they come out in a trickle. I blog to vent. I blog to escape the small irritants that aggravate me. I blog to share my pain and express it in a way that helps me to understand who I am and what I am about.

I blog because I am unsettled, unsatisfied and unyielding in my search for the things that provide meaning and substance in my life. The blog is my secret world. It is a place where I share my hopes and dreams. It is where I admit my weaknesses and sometimes roar in anger.

Some of what I write embarrasses me. It is too raw. It is too personal. It is too emotional and it leaves me feeling too vulnerable. So I erase it. I delete it. I make jokes about it. I pretend that it doesn't bother me. And sometimes that works.

Sometimes I don't like what I write because it sounds ridiculous. Sometimes I read it and wonder am I really this big a moron. Sometimes I think that I should just suck it up and live.

And then I read it again and see it differently. I take a look at almost four years of an online diary of my life and I realize that I have made more progress than I had thought. I look at almost four years and I wonder how so much could have happened in such a short time.

Sometimes I laugh at what I have written. Sometimes it is funny and sometimes it reminds me of something funny.

I never cease to be amazed that people read this with the startling regularity that some of you exhibit day in and day out. The blogosphere continues to give me more back than I give and I am grateful for it.


Leora said...

You are MUCH better than anything on tv. But how would I know, I don't own a tv.

V-Grrrl said...

As a writer, I feel compelled to write. It's not a choice. It's who I am. Blogging has appealed to me for all the reasons you outlined here.

For two years I shared the details of my life through a personal blog, and I built up quite a following and made many friends--online and in person. I connected to people and to myself in a way that satisfied me on so many levels.

And then I was harassed and needled by a commenter over a period of months--someone who criticized me in ways that were pointed, personal, and mean spirited. I could have blocked the comments, but the journalist in me resisted censoring an opposing voice and so I let the person continue to post.

Then I received a string of nastygrams (e-mails) from someone I'd never met (but whose name I recognized) who mocked and ridiculed me for being a "neurotic exhibitionist," a hypocrite, and someone who "broadcasts her righteousness" on a blog. She had her own twisted reasons for bullying me, but even knowing her agenda didn't take the sting out of her words.

Meanwhile, I discovered I had been accused of being "ageist" in a forum by someone who was offended about a post I wrote on taking a garden tour and immediately feeling younger and hotter because the crowd consisted mostly of the Medicare set. Someone defended the humor of my writing and then someone said I was "boorish" and a legend in my own mind.

And then there was my husband, who was not so fond of the personal nature of some of my posts...

So in February I redesigned and reinvented my site, taking it in a different direction because I suddenly felt vulnerable and overexposed having 600 pages of my life online. I was tired of being attacked, and I retreated to a safer place.

My readership has plummeted.

I like the new format, it stretches my creativity, but sometimes I wish I'd stuck with my old format and soldiered on.

orieyenta said...

I never cease to be amazed that people read this with the startling regularity that some of you exhibit day in and day out.

Hey come on - a day without Jack is like Pesach without matzah :)

The Misanthrope said...

Jack, reading your posts is like checking in on an old friend.

I also agree with v-grrl. I wrestle with stopping every time I write a post.

Jack said...


Oh I don't know about that. I am kind of intrigued by "Lost" and some of the Discovery/History channel is pretty compelling.


I know what you mean. I still get nasty comments and emails. People tell me I am too whiny, too weird, too screwy, too this and too that.

It is really easy to hide behind the keyboard to say these things.

I haven't quit, but I admit to having undergone an evolution in my writing. Some it is due to "natural" changes and some of it is not.


Pesach without Matzah is far less binding. ;)


I appreciate that. There are very few who have hung around longer than you have. I am grateful.