Anyway, here is the latest entry.
I remember the day that joy left my life. It was the day that you said that you couldn't see me any longer. I don't think that you ever realized just how much you mean and meant to me. It wasn't for lack of my trying to tell you. I did. I truly did. The problem wasn't the effort, it was the means.
It still hurts.
Now I sit here in the dark. I can't tell you what time or what day it is. Aside from a couple of trips to the bathroom I haven't left this room. Not to eat and not to shower.
What is my purpose. Was I not given a heart to love you. Was I not given a soul to share with you. Without you I haven't any reason for being. I feel empty. Fragments of who I was are floating around my head. I get brief glimpses of the person I was.
Sometimes I try to grab them. Sometimes I try to snatch them out of the air so that just for one more moment I might feel something, some sort of warmth. I hold the pillow close and pray that your scent never leaves it.
I am not supposed to be like this. I am not supposed to be so dependent upon another. I used to be strong. I used to be happy. I knew joy and I knew bliss. And now they are gone. It is hard to breathe. It feels so cold. The tears roll down my face in silent testimony to my loss. There is nothing left to do. No reason to be.
All I can do is type this letter and hope that I wake up. I pinch myself over an over wishing that I'd just wake up. But I don't.
Move on. Get up. Try to live my life. These are things that whole people do. They do not belong to me. I claim no ownership over them.
I am shamed and ashamed. I am weak and cowardly. I am so frail. I can't bring myself to do anything.
Your sister tried to hug me and I collapsed. I cannot bear to be touched. The touch just reminds me that the world has ended and I have been left behind. Pain is my sole companion.
She tried to speak, tried to explain. You cannot console me. There are no words. The love that we shared is shattered. The hope is gone and so are you. You cannot help and I cannot hope. Joy has left my life.