No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man,
To be the sad man,
Behind blue eyes.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated,
To be faded,
To telling only lies.
But my dreams,
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free.
The Who- Behind Blue Eyes
So I wonder if I let the passion of the challenge blind me to the risk. I wonder if I my tolerance for pain is too high. I recognize that this is cryptic. FWIW, this has nothing to do with any sort of physical issue. If you don't understand what the references are it is because you don't need to know any more.
It is one of the problems with losing my anonymity. In the past I would have been much more candid about the situation. I liked being able to do that. Sometimes I miss it. Unfortunately some people work hard to hurt me with some of the information here. I can take whatever they dish out and I can give back better than I received. But for the sake of my family I won't give those jackasses any more material to play with.
So here I sit speaking in my own code, blabbering on about this and that. What does it really mean. Is this still a forum for sharing my thoughts. Is this still a venue in which I can unload about the things that I fear. Can I offer my pain.
The answer is that I can, but with limitation. The loss of my anonymity has compromised me. In some ways the blog has suffered for it. It has grown harder and harder to offer the posts that I so loved to write. I liked to write about the things that hurt because I found it to be cathartic.
I haven't deleted any of those posts. They still exist. They are still here, but the place has a different vibe to it. I can't say that this is a good or bad thing. I am too close to the issue.
In my third year of blogging I am feeling my way around. I am looking for my own derech. I am searching for my own path because that is what I do. I have a restless spirit. Perhaps that restlessness is the true source of my discomfort. Perhaps that is what drives me.
I do know that I want to continue blogging. I still have a love for it. There are still so very many things to write about. More experiences to share and so much more to learn about the world.
9 comments:
Jack: I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my anonymity and have my family [aside from my wife] read my postings. I would certainly not write a lot of things that I do now.
Have you ever considered a new blog somewhere else? I know this is probably not such an appealing option since you would constantly feel the need to link back to this blog, right? After 3 years it is most certainly a part of your life.
Don't quit. But if you want to blog anonymously, please let the fan-base you trust know where you've gone...?
Jack: people who use personal information to stalk and harm other people are lower than dirt. I understand how this may force you to quit, and there could not be a good advice on the subject.
Certainly the good idea of aliyah06 could make your life even more challenging ;-)
Perhaps make your new blog a private one, requiring readers to log in for viewing. It may not be ideal, but I'm sure your readers wouldn't mind the extra step for the privilege of reading your posts. I certainly wouldn't mind.
Don't let those who threaten you prevent you from doing something which you love. Just remember that you've got a very supportive fan base out there.
You rock, Jack!!!
Unfortunately some people work hard to hurt me with some of the information here.
Geez - tell those people to get a life.
I certainly understand the need for anonymity and I hate that you feel like you have to censor what you want to say.
I wonder if bloggers like PT and Trepp feel like they censor themselves since they use their names in their blogs.
Jack- its tough to keep writing what you need to when you get blog outed. That's part of a story that's coming up soon in my blog, but the upshot is that you have to do what you need to do. Its your blog, your space, and people read what you write because its cool. Please don't stop being yourself. I for one would miss it.
Well, I'm doubly anonymous at the moment--I blog under a pseudonym, but I don't dare reveal even that when blogging from the office.
I blog anonymously because it's the only way that I can speak freely, whether it's about problems in my neighborhood or about my family. If more than the dozen or so non-bloggers from my real life ever found out about my blog, I'd probably have to delete it. (Long story short--one of the people about whom I complain quite frequently on my blog has already threatened to sue me. No, I kid you not. The matter could have been worked out if we'd just had a simple conversation, but the party in question sent me an e-mail threatening a lawsuit in lieu of discussing with me why s/he was upset.) So I know what you mean about the advantages of anonymity. Best of luck. I'd tell you to e-mail me your new blog URL, but then I'd have to tell you who I am, wouldn't I?
Oops--That should have said "If more than the dozen or so non-bloggers from my real life *who already know about my blog ever found out about it,* I'd probably have to delete it."
Best of luck. Hope you find a way to keep this blog and/or a new one. I know how much it means to me to be able to speak my mind.
SJ,
I have a couple blogs besides this one. I like them, but they don't have quite the same feel to them. This place is kind of like my cyberspace home.
Aliyah06,
I never knew that I had a fan base. I appreciate your kind words. I don't have any immediate plans to hang up the keyboard.
Snoopy,
I am not much of quitter. If anything I hang on more tightly.
TNS,
Thank you.
Orieyenta,
Censoring myself here feels a little strange. It is not how I started.
Amishav,
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Anonymous,
Thank you too.
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