The Salvation Army Bell Ringer Doesn't Like Me

Now I know that you are going to be surprised to hear this, but during a recent trip to the store I was accosted by the bell ringer for the Salvation Army.

Army: Sir, could you spare some change?
Me: Not today.

Army: Just a little would help.
Me: A little would help me too.

Army: Perhaps you can give something small.
Me: Perhaps you might like to give me something small.

Army: Sorry, I can't help you today.
Me: No problem. I can't help you either.

Army: My refusal shouldn't stop you.
Me: Stop me from what?

Army: From making a donation.
Me: It is not going to happen.

Army: Just give something.
Me: Ok. How about some advice.

Army: Seriously, just give me something.
Me: I am serious. Give me something first and I'll consider it.

Army: That is not how it works.
Me: Oh really.

Army: Yes. Jesus asks that you give and when you do you are rewarded.
Me: I don't think that you want to go there with me.

Army: Why? Don't you want to learn about how you can be saved.
Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.

Army: That is really offensive.
Me: Nah, I haven't even begun to be offensive. Say something else and let's see what happens.

Army: Sir, it is not my fault that your heart won't let you see.
Me: It is not my fault that you have been lied to for your entire life either.

Army: G-d will forgive you.
Me: You don't know what G-d will or won't do so stop speaking for him/her or it.

Army: All that energy and what have you accomplished.
Me: I have kept you from bothering the fine folks that shop at this establishment that wishes all of its good patrons happy holidays.

Army: Perhaps you should just leave.
Me: Nah, I like it here. I think that I may set up my own bucket. Instead of a bell I am going to use an air horn. Since the establishment has a big sign saying that they don't approve of soliciting I should have as much right to hang out here as you do.

Army: Would you just leave?
Me: Give me twenty bucks and I'll take off.

Army: Twenty. No way.
Me: What about 15.

Army: Uh, no.
Me: Ten?

Army: No
Me: Ok, what about five.

And with that the bell ringer broke down and reached into the bucket. With a stern look on his face he handed me a five dollar bill and pointed towards the parking lot.

I'll have to try this again at a different store.


Sheyna said...


I love it! With your "Happy Holidays is an Appropriate Greeting" from November of 2005 still in mind, this was a hilarious follow up. You should start a series of these!

I'm laughing too hard to go to sleep...

Anonymous said...

Ok, it's freaking funny, and the bell ringers make me look away as if they aren't there...but...did you really KEEP that $5 and if so, I hope you put it towards tzedakkah :)

Happy 7th!

Anonymous said...

Army: Why? Don't you want to learn about how you can be saved.
Me: It would be easier to shoot up with heroin and far less painful.

Tell us how you really feel Jack.

This is too funny - if only we could strap a videocamera onto you.

... Is the Window to Our Soul said...

I use to give change to them, but not after seeing too many undercover videos of the folks pocketing the money. Pretty sad huh?

Jacob Da Jew said...

Man, that was very funny.Reminds me of when I used to work at Bonkers Bagels in the Old City.There was this old lady,Levana,that collected money.If you didnt give her ,she would curse you with her foul and toothless mouth.

I was the manager of the store then so I became "friendly" with her.So much that she confided in me that she is actaully loaded and that she only collects ...because its an addiction!lol.What a broad.

Hold up,she wanted to name me in her will.Politely,I declined.Now I'm thinking ,I should have agreed.


PsychoToddler said...

No. Way.

Anonymous said...

The bell ringer was the one who was accosted here not you. Every kettle is locked so there is no way the ringer reached into the kettle and gave you $5. This story is simply just that, A STORY.

Jack Steiner said...


I just might have to do that.


Of course I gave the money to tzedakah.


A videocamera strapped to my body would provide hours of horrifying experiences.


Those cameras revealed too many crooks.


I used to get the occasional bagel at Bonkers.


Way. Wow, are we channeling Keanu or what. Whoa.


No, the bell ringer came after me. If I had been feeling feistier I would have taken that bell and....

FrumWithQuestions said...

This is pretty funny but at the same time it is hard to believe that this actually happened.

Jack Steiner said...


Anonymous said...

Too funny!!!

I don't give them money because I choose to give Tzedekah in other ways.

And that bell...

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