December 18, 2005

Cordless Phones

What is it about cordless phones and their lack of durability. It seems to me that every three years I am forced to go out and replace whatever phones I have. I have taken an informal poll among friends, family and the staff of the Cleveland Monkey house and they all agree, these phones suck.

In case you are wondering suck is the techincal word. You can find it defined in the August 1997 issue of Telephony as standard umbrella crap kisser which was first coined by a Ma Bell telphone operator in 1978. For more about that try googling The Shmata Queen Loves Monkeys and I am sure that you will appreciate what you find.

So here I am with a couple of cordless phones that do not seem to work. I say that they do not seem to work because every so often they seem to behave as if a dybbuk has taken control of them. If not that then the poltergeist that lives in this home has decided that it is fun to screw with me by playing with these phones.

Later this week I will head on out to the store and grab a new set. I haven't decided on the brand because I have had bad luck with most brands, Uniden, Panasonic, Vtech, blah, blah, blah, they all suck.

If Dubya really wants to disrupt terror he need only supply the terrorists with these phones and more often then not they will find themselves screaming in frustration because the fercockteh phones just don't work the way that they should.


Stacey said...

The Shmata Queen does not love monkeys. Time for your 30 lashes with a wet noodle!

Jack's Shack said...

Nope. Besides speaking of herself in the third person she has a number of other talents, including her lust for monkeys.

Robbie said...

It's all a big plot by the government - the more we buy cordless phones, the more they can put their "illegal" phone-tapping devices so they can spy on us.

At least spy on me.

Pragmatician said...

I just bough one (second one in a year) from an unknown brand for $23, and it's the best one I've ever had so far.

Jack's Shack said...


Don't forget to watch out for the black helicopters. ;)


At $23 I wouldn't be quite so peeved about their durability.

bornfool said...

I've had the same experience with many brands of cordless phones. I never get three years out of them though, usually two at the most. I've tried replacing batteries (if you can find them) but the phone is never the same again. Just part of our disposable society, I guess.

Tanisha said...

This is hilarious and so true. Do yours overheat as well?

Janet said...

You're right. Cordless phones don't seem to last nearly as long as other phones. I say screw it. Let's all dial back to rotary!

P.S. I'm here upon recommendation of Toner Mishap's Misanthrope.:)

Daled Amos said...

My problem is that my cellphone came without a holder. When I tried to buy one at a store, I was told that my cellphone was too old (one year old!).

I've dropped it at least 6 or 7 times out of my shirt pocket, it was popped open a few times with the battery coming out at least twice--but it still works.

Now my wife bought me a generic cell phone holder. I've still dropped my cell phone at least 3 times (it's a gift...) but at least now it's cushioned.

Ezzie said...

Jack, look at consumer reports!

Actually, we've had Panasonic since we're married - they're great and never die.

I told my mother-in-law to get the Uniden, which was rated higher than the Panasonic, and she said I was right.

Those are the two I'd consider...

Jack's Shack said...

Hi BF,

Disposable seems to be the order of the day.


I have had a few that overheated. I could probably use them now to help me save on my heating bills.

Hi Janet,

I have an old rotary in the garage. The Misanthrope is a good guy, thanks for stopping by.


You could try gluing it to your hand. ;)


I used to have a Panasonic, about ten years or so ago. It was alright, but maybe I'll try it again.