The Poseidon Adventure

I loved the original version of the The Poseidon Adventure. It was campy shlock but a hell of a lot of fun with a decent cast. Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine and Red Buttons, what could be better. In fact it was so good there is an entire website devoted to it.

And now there is a remake. I am TIVOing it with great trepidation. I have little enough time as it is and to give so much to something so questionable, well I am not sure that it is wise. The critics tell me that I shouldn't bother. Check out this snippet:

"Sometimes, a critic just wants to write, ''Don't watch it." Or, ''NBC, you should be ashamed of yourself." And leave it at that.

But then how would he vent the frustration of having spent some three hours submitting to an embarrassing remake of the iconic 1972 disaster movie ''The Poseidon Adventure"? So thank you for letting me heal in public, and in return I promise not to use the phrases ''all wet" and ''titanic flop" in reference to this Robert Halmi Jr.-produced sweeps event, which sucks up air tomorrow night at 8 on Channel 7.

I will, however, use the words ''interminable" and ''ridiculous," because the movie is like a slow amble through a faulty water park. The effects? Not so special. The survivors climb endlessly through a visually illogical soundstage, getting doused and then dodging fires that are as threatening as a gas fireplace on a daytime soap. There's not a hint of drama to be had when the big boat flips and thousands die -- or at least we assume thousands die, since there are only a handful of bodies strewn about. If this represents state-of-the-art film technology, it's state of the art circa 1960.

Meanwhile, the movie keeps cutting away to a two-bit rescue effort led by Alex Kingston as an intelligence agent. Kingston mans a high-tech room that looks like a dreary basement entertainment center. It's from that oddly sequestered room that she phones in her performance.

As they move toward safety, the survivors' relationships are as deep as they would be on an episode of ''Love Boat," with Steve Guttenberg still trying to seem adult-like as an unhappy husband who hooks up with the boat's massage therapist."

Come to think of it watching the Love Boat would have been more enjoyable had they turned it into a disaster flick. Watch Gopher, Isaac and Captain Stubing try and lead a boatful of 'B' actors, hasbeens and neverwas through the gauntlet. How much fun would that be.