A Couple of Jokes

Mary is woken from her sleep. There’s a bat in her room, which must have got in through the open window. The bat swoops around the room and Mary watches in horror as it transforms itself into …. a vampire.
"Oh my God," she says, as she grips her pillow tightly.
As the vampire slowly approaches her, Mary remembers the cross around her neck. She grabs it, points it towards the vampire and with a trembling cry says, "You can't come any closer. Look, I have a cross."
The vampire looks Mary in the eye and says, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen! (it won’t help you)"


"A man was walking through the woods to go visit a dear friend. As he was walking he stumbled and his yarmulke fell off of his head. So he bent over to pick it up and upon standing up he noticed a bear standing in front of him.

He froze in fear and began to tremble. As he stood there he watched in amazement as the bear stood up and placed a yarmulke on his own head and began to daven.

He thought to himself, "I am saved, I have found the only Jewish bear in creation!" So he breathed a sigh of relief and began to daven and give thanks to G-d.

He finished just in time to hear the bear utter the last words of the bear's prayer -- hamotzi lekhem min ha-aretz.*"

(*the blessing that is said before meals)

4 comments:

Pragmatician said...

I can't believe I found two good jokes I haven't heard before.
Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I've heard the bear joke before, and I always think - 'but the bracha on a person would be shehakol!'

torontopearl said...

And may I add a third joke...that came my way last week:

An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the
next table there are 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation.

The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."

The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior let's go to New York.
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."

The 2nd nun again speaks and says let's go to Los Angeles.
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."

The little Jewish old lady leans over and says with a Yiddish accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, der are no Jews der!!!"

Jack Steiner said...

Hi Prag,

Hopefully they were good jokes.

Mirty,

Unless they were dessert and it would be Mezunot.

TP,

That was good.

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