Maybe I Should Cry

Here is what I am listening to now.

• Distant Green Valley The Silk Road Ensemble & Yo-Yo Ma
• Samwise The Brave Howard Shore
• Gollum's Song - performed by Emiliana Torrini Howard Shore
• May It Be Enya
• Anduril Howard Shore
• The Breaking of the Fellowship (Featuring "In Dreams") LOTR Soundtrack
• Moonlight Sonata - Adagio - Beethoven
• Theme from Harry's Game Clannad
• Adagio for Strings New Zealand Symphony Orchestra
• Boulevard of Broken Dreams Green Day
• Danny Boy The Celtic Tenors
• Elysium The Lyndhurst Orchestra Klaus Badelt & Lisa Gerrard
• Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) Green Day
• Home Sweet Home Mötley Crüe
• Knockin' on Heaven's Door Guns N' Roses
• It Was a Very Good Year Ray Charles & Willie Nelson

Here are my thoughts of the moment. I am feeling frustrated because I am not getting what I want. I don't feel like going down the list of reasons why, but there are many. I'll pick on Brian again for a moment. He had a post the other day that he called the Dark Side. It made me smile because part of blogging is reaching out to see who shares things in common with you. It is reminder of your own humanity.

I have a dark side. I have a temper that burns bright and shiny. As I mature and grow it gets harder and harder to stoke the coals and fan the flames, but when it comes the heat is like a blast from a furnace and a part of me enjoys it. A part of me likes throwing off the chains and speaking my mind in more direct terms than I normally use. I like that edge, I like that intensity and that passion.

The best part of growing is being able to see how you have learned from the past and are avoiding the stupid mistakes. I cannot be anyone other than I who I am, there is a passion that burns in me, the fire is never extinguished and at times like this I am thankful that I have learned how to burn off the excess energy and channel it in more positive ways. But sometimes I wonder if I ever really learned how to cry again if things will be different. There is a sense that perhaps it will loosen those little remants, the chunks of this and that and just wash them away.

It still scares me. I am still deathly afraid of just letting that all go. I am not really sure why. I think that there is a part of me that always feels like I am alone, always will be and always have been. I think that is part of why I don't have a problem spending hours alone. Solitude doesn't frighten me. I have no problem sitting in a room by myself or sitting with others and listening to nothing but life around me.

I rather enjoy hiking into more remote areas where you can no longer hear evidence of civilization. I sit there and soak up the silence.

After a while my batteries are recharged and I am both ready and in need of company.

I haven't really decided whether I liked or disliked the pope. In some ways his passing was completely incidental to me. I am a little bothered by my first sentence. Do I really need to like or dislike him, or have I succumbed to the very thing I have complained about, there is a middle ground.

Today I made one of my sisters my "Contingency beneficiary." In simple English it means that if my children lose both of their parents my sister is responsible for some of my retirement funds and is to use them to help my children be it education, clothing or shelter. I was suprised at how hard it was to talk about it. I am normally strong about things like this, there is no reason to suspect that I am going to die any time soon, but it was tough to consider.

I wonder if it is related to issues surrounding my father's brush with death, but I am not really sure. Aside from my selfish desire to watch my children grow and see who they become it bothered me to think about the pain it would cause them.

I have a number of friends who have lost a parent, some many years ago and I have seen the impact and effect on a number of occasions. My hope for them is that we do not say goodbye until they are well into their 21st or 22nd decades.

Healthcare is still a huge problem here and it needs to be worked on. There is a lack of real affordable coverage and little to no reason why that cannot be fixed.

One day I plan on learning how to make chopped liver while wearing a sidearm. Actually as I have mentioned on numerous occasions David is one of my favorite bloggers and aside from a misguided love for the Red Sox a good guy. And besides I love being able to make remarks about the gun slingin chef. I don't care if anyone else thinks that they are funny, I do. And that is one of the privileges of being a father, the ability to tell stupid jokes repeatedly and without regard for their level of humor.

And just to pick on Che Treppenwitz again I love the cartoon he posted last week. It just makes me smile.

One more thing, I haven't forgotten about my story. Fragments of Fiction is still alive. I have been trying to find time to add to the story. I have written a number of entries but they haven't been up to snuff. I promise to get something together and have it up for consumption in the near future.