December 31, 2004

On the Outside Looking In

It is a good description of how I have spent large portions of my life. I have always felt like I am a little bit different from other people. I think very quickly and make a lot of comments about things, comments that I think are funny. Yet, moments after I express myself an awkward silence descends over the room accompanied by strained smiles.

Most of the time it doesnt bother me, I kind of enjoy being out in left field. I wear it like a badge of courage. When I play Hearts I shoot for the moon. I gamble and just kind of do my own thing.

I would be less than honest if I said that sometimes it can be a drag. Sometimes I grow tired of standing at the doorway looking at a party that I was not invited to. Nonetheless this feeling does not persist and I always shake it off. I enjoy being by myself, I am comfortable with it.

However it occurs to me that not everyone can do this and that some people need to be part of the group and their alienation is what sets them off on self-destructive paths. I do feel badly about this and wonder if there is anything I can do to help smooth the road for them. From time to time I have tried to help them see. I have tried to help them see the social cues that they miss so that they can be a part of the group. I have tried to help them understand when people are laughing at them versus laughing with them.

The problem is that to do this you have to be aware these things in relation to yourself and sometimes I feel like I am missing the clues too. It is a little frustrating for me because I usually feel like I have a good feeling for judging people's character, but maybe I don't.

On the other hand I have heard people say countless times that they are an excellent judge of character only to see them totally misunderstand who a person is.

So the lesson that I learned here is that I am like everyone else, I am human.


3 comments:

Lyss said...

I have also felt that way ('outside it all') most of my life, as well as recognizing that some people need to be sheep and follow along.

MidAlphaOmega said...

Yep, I too suspect that it is a common feeling. Just look at the big business of fashion, trends, trendy, and celebrity endorsements. People want to feel wanted, I guess. However, being different adds variety to life. That's something the sheep miss :-)

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way. I feel like I don't really have a place to belong and that I am just so different. I feel like I am sometimes missing out on fun. I also am very shy and I feel like I have nothing good or interesting to say...I think I am boring. It is very difficult and a burden. But, am still discovering who I am as a person and it is a good thing.
In the end, I don't regret being "ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN" because it made me who I am today.