January 30, 2012

Learning to Fly

I am throwing myself into the fire and doing what I do best...dancing. I don't know how to do this any other way. Can't be anyone but me and that is ok with me because I like me.

Doesn't mean that I haven't been him but I have been more restrained. I haven't let the man inside that keeps running the iron cup across the bars go free. Haven't let the demons free to run alongside him and the wolves.

That crazy guy inside who is filled with battle lust really  isn't crazy. He knows what he is doing and he just does it. Much of it is based upon instinct and split decisions that aren't weighed and measured a thousand different ways.

He is much more of a force of nature and exerts the kind of presence that you can't help but notice but the thing is that he doesn't care. And it is because he doesn't care that he is considered to be so magnetic by so many. He is me without care and without restriction.

And he is the driving force that pushes me towards you. He doesn't fear the flames of passion or worry about the consequences of what happens if you don't respond. Ask him about it and he'll tell you to shut up and stop worrying. Push him and he'll say that he doesn't worry about things that haven't happened or that are too hard to predict.

He swears that you feel it all and that your piece of the puzzle draws you closer just as ours does. He says that only a fool plays to lose and that is what he accuses me of doing.

I grab him by the collar and shake him. I tell him not to fuck with me because he is me and I am him which is a convoluted way of saying that I am as smart/mean/crazy. He takes my hands off of his collar and answers me in a quiet and measured voice.

"You can't predict what a woman will do or what she will say because she doesn't know it either." I tell him that he is pushing tin can philosophy to the wrong guy and he asks me if I can live with myself without trying to get another shot.

"Who says that I am not trying to. But I can't make her love me if she won't."

He chuckles, closes his eyes and points to the sky. The moon is full and there are a million stars in the sky. "She is outside staring at the sky thinking about you. She won't admit it. She won't tell you that she keeps you in a place inside her heart that no one else has ever seen, but the fact is that she does. And that is why you need to have faith. Give her a reason to love you again and she will you give you more than you ever got before."

I can't help but smile at that because it makes sense and I know it is true. She wants me to give her a reason to let her heart open wide to me again. She has been fighting it because she can't see how to make it work and that is why she has been so cold.

Damn, if this isn't the craziest puzzle I have ever encountered. She is smarter than I am and far more clever, but I still know how to make her smile. And more importantly I know how to take care of her and make her feel warm, safe, loved and appreciated.

And that is part of it, if not all of it. If I can convince her to step into my arms the world will take care of the rest.

The crazy man smiles at me, claps me on the back and starts running. I join him step for step and when we head over the cliff I smile because I know that we are going to learn how to fly on the way down because that is just what will happen.

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