August 31, 2011

Transitions and Delusions

"And then I run 'til the breath tears my throat
'Til the pain hits my side
As if I run fast enough
I can leave all the pain and the sadness behind"
Rain In The Summertime- The Alarm

It was a time of transitions and delusions. A time of choice and a time of chance. It was like old Mr. Dickens had termed the best of times and the worst of times, or so Johnny thought.

The summer had been filled with some of the best moments he had ever had and the worst. It had been a roller coaster ride of epic proportions and he was exhausted by it.

Too many ups and downs and not enough time on the old straight and narrow had taken a severe toll on him. He didn't have to look in the mirror to see it. All he had to do was put on a shirt or a pair of pants and the impact was obvious.

She was out there somewhere in the ether and he was...elsewhere. Most of the time he was fine and life was good but there were those other moments. Moments where he imagined that he was like Rick in Casablanca and that one day his Ilsa would find her way into his gin joint.

So much had happened and so much time had passed he wasn't sure what to make of it. Sometimes he very much wanted it to happen and sometimes he didn't. Maybe it was because she had always been able to rattle his cage like no other.

That was disconcerting, the cage rattling. Usually he was the one who did it and not the reverse. It reminded me him of a discussion from long ago in which he busted her. He told her that he knew that she thought that she was in control of her relationships. Explained how he knew that she made a point of making her men think that they were running things when it was really her.

She gasped and sputtered something about it not being true and he laughed. Told her that he didn't care and didn't worry about it because they really did have a partnership. They complemented each other in a million different ways- it didn't matter who did or said what as long as they did it together.

But that was then and this is now. So he found himself filled with the sort of doubt and wonder that you'd rather not feel.

His heart hadn't let go even though his head said that he was a fool. But the truth was that he wanted time alone with her. He wanted to kiss her one more time and see what happened. He wanted to look in her the eye and see her reaction in person.

Because he simply didn't believe what she had been saying. He didn't believe that she really meant it. Those were words she used to protect herself. She would want a plan and wouldn't open her heart up completely without it.

And so to be extra safe she hid her heart from his and left him to wonder if he really did suffer from delusions or if maybe there was something more. It was always possible that she didn't know the answers to those questions either.

Time would tell.

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