December 07, 2010

Flotsam and Jetsam

I am in desperate need of a vacation. Need, not want. I want the vacation....badly...but it is more than that because I need it. There is too much going on, too many fires burning, too many balls in the air and too much chaos. The relentless noise and the cacophony it creates inside my brain are giving me a monster headache.

Patience and tolerance ran away months ago. Those two are like Siamese twin, conjoined at the hip or head and never apart. Not that any of it matters because they are gone and I have been forced to delve into the darker recesses of the blackness that resides inside. Gone deeper than before where no light pierces the darkness and discovered untapped reserves.

Or maybe I should say that the beauty of having a large ego is that it pushes you to make a choice to lie down and take a beating or rage at the world. Rage is a funny thing but not in a laughing way. Some people hear or read rage and fear it because it suggests uncontrollable anger. I disagree with that. It need not be that way. Sometimes that incredible anger is the fuel that you use to keep on going when all your reserves feel like they have been tapped out.

Sometimes you can control it, harness it and channel it. That is what I am doing. So if you ask if I am angry I will nod my head in affirmation. I am that. If you ask if I am frustrated I will nod my head. But I will do the same for sadness and joy because I am that as well.

I am all of that and more but not all at once or in a way that doesn't allow for control. I still have plenty of that. I won't let go of that because it is the guiding light. It is the reason why ultimately success will be mine- all I need to do is hold on.

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