December 13, 2010

Another Post You Won't Read

This is another post you won't read. You won't read it because 1,987 other things are fighting for your attention. Twitter, blogs, kids, work and Facebook. Larry next door and his pal Skelling keep guffawing over something stupid not to mention that the droning beat from some jerk in an Escalade are all part of it. If I were a paranoid man I'd say that it was a conspiracy designed to keep me down and pinned in place.

But I am not paranoid. You can say that I am angry. You can paint me frustrated and ask if there are better ways to express my ire or give voice to my rage. You can narrow your eyes as you read this twice and try to figure out if there are secret messages being sent from within the paragraphs and I will say yes. There are relatively few posts in which I don't address you in some way or another. However the basic premise of the blog haven't changed, I write for me first and everyone else second.

This virtual home of mine is my Fortress of Solitude. It is a vault of secrets both open and disguised. If you ask for reasons why I feel as I do I can give them to you. There is frustration with the mistakes that I have made. Yes, I am sometimes guilty of beating myself up over my mistakes but I also am frustrated at times by things that I cannot control. Frustrated because I know what it is that I need to do and the nicks, scrapes and bruises of life slow and prevent this from happening.

But prevention doesn't imply that they stop me- they only slow me down. That fire in my belly that burns so brightly doesn't allow for me to be other than who I am. I like thinking about life changing moments. I learn from them. I look at them and consider what is important and what makes me happy. Some of these line items have changed and some have become more clear.

I will not live a life of fear and denial. I will not compromise on the core beliefs and needs of who I am. I cannot because without them I am but a shell of myself. So I will continue to actively work on living my dreams and not dreaming my life away. I will continue to work on accepting that I cannot control or change everything and that sometimes you have to go along to get along.

Each day I am one step closer to meeting my goals. Even though it may not always be evident I see and feel the progress. Sometimes I see this as being similar to my time at the gym. It is hard not being 20 anymore. My mind remembers what the body could do and expects it to respond as it alway had. On the court I am a half step slower and the recovery period is longer.

But I am smarter and wiser. I have become better and grown because I have been forced to use all of the tools at my disposal. And not everything has changed. The weights go up with the same ease as they always have but diminished elasticity means that I have had to make adjustments there too. But the adjustments and changes haven't prevented me from doing what it is that I wish to do.

The best is yet to come. It is not a silly slogan or something that I say to mask the failure of other ventures. It is not a bandage to stop the bleeding either. It is what I believe. It is what I believe because the past has taught me that this is true. It is what I believe because I refuse to live a life where I don't see something better coming down the road. The day that I can't believe that better is coming will be my last.

It is hard sometimes when you cannot see the future. The inclination is to be conservative and not shake things up but that isn't always the best way of doing things. I learned that almost 8 years ago. It took a while but I figured out many things. Life is filled with twists and turns that may take you through Dallas and Cleveland or other parts unknown.

I am less concerned about where I am then who is there with me. Time will tell.

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