November 12, 2010

Dear June- Winter Comes

A new insert for Fragments of Fiction:

Dear June,

Do you remember that note that I sent you where I told you that when you are thinking about me I am thinking about you? Do you remember my telling you that I would see you on the other side? Well, I have been thinking about it lately and I think that it was foreshadowing the future. I know, it sounds kind of screwy but it makes sense to me and not just because I want it to.

I stumbled across this Jane Austen quote that thought was interesting:

"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others."

I don't know which story it comes from but I really should find out. It made a lot of sense to me as it describes us. Was there ever a time where we didn't feel comfortable with each other. Was there ever a time where we didn't just get each other. Oh sure, we have been angry, hurt and confused and wondered what happened. We have screamed at each other and used the most graphic terms- but always we come back.

We come back because of the depth of intimacy between us. That Ring of Fire is so apt and so accurate. We see the whole and the truth of each other and as the poet said, "it scares the fuck out of me." Really woman, I never have understood it and the fear that it sometimes causes inside me hasn't always served me well.

Because I have desperately wanted to believe and accept that it was, that it is real but sometimes the whispers inside have taken root. Because though I may be a dreamer I have more attachments to Earth and reality than you might always realize. Remember when you first saw my hands and you told me how big they were. I laughed and said that they are and that they are really strong. I said it with a wink and a smile but also knowing that these fingers have an exceptional grip upon the reality I had known.

It never occurred to me that someone like you really existed. I didn't believe that someone could effortlessly walk into my heart and make me feel like Superman. It was a dream that lived in movies and books not in reality. And then you did it to me. You just walked in and started singing the song of my heart as if you had always known it.

But I did it to you too. I found myself walking through places in your heart that no other man had been to. I found a way to caress your heart and carry your soul just as you did for me. And time stood still for us. Wrapped in an eternal kiss and the warmth of a sun that never sets we stood there in our secret garden.

Ah my love, you may think that I am crazy. I know that sometimes you wonder how I can say or write this. I know that sometimes you think that I exaggerate and that you fear my making you into something more than you are. I know many more things that I won't put down on paper as well. But I also know that I see you differently than you see yourself because I see the potential. I see what could be not because I am granted with some sort of magical powers but because of that special connection we share.

"I remain convinced that obstinate addiction to ordinary language in our private thoughts is one of the main obstacles to progress in philosophy."
Bertrand Russell

Russell is onto something. I stopped trying to figure it all out. Stopped trying to apply logic and reason to something that refuses to allow the rules of math and science to manage it. Stopped trying to understand why because all it did was make both my head and heart ache. They have both been broken multiple times.

Both have been ripped open and fed to wolves who have had a field day feasting upon that which they found there. And inevitably they have come back because I haven't finished this journey. Haven't finished walking down the path that I find before me. A path that I believe intersects with yours. The big difference between now and before is that I am not fighting it the way that I did before. It doesn't mean that I won't try because sometimes I get impatient.

And though you have heard it a thousand times before, I will repeat it again. I will always be ready and willing to fight for you and with you. For a thousand years and more I have been dancing in this fire for you so why wouldn't I continue. I would storm the gates of Hell, swim through a burning river and more.

I am not going to try to come up with a clever ending because we both know that there never has been one for us. Meanwhile, I am going back to what I was doing because I do have a plan and it is working. So when you are ready you can take my hand. I won't say anything about it because whenever you do I know that it will feel like no time has passed and time will stand still again.

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