October 15, 2010

A Life Worth Living

Who Knew that Dad Bloggers were musicians.
"When I was young and moving fast
Nothing slowed me down, slowed me down
Now I let the others pass
I've come around, come around

Living just to keep going
Going just to stay sane
All the while never knowing
It's such a shame

I don't need to get steady
I know just how I feel
I'm telling you to get ready
My dear"
Tighten Up- The Black Keys

I love those lyrics, they speak to me,call out to me. I hear the bell ringing and am reminded of the quest that I set out upon all those years ago. I listen to the words and hear hints of the truth of the life that I wish to live. Life isn't meant to be accepted- it is meant to be lived and loved. I look at the words and I think of Thomas Edison's comment, "Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something."

That is how I want to live, how I need to live. To live, love and learn. Emerson was right when he said that "Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."I Am My Own Worst Enemy and my biggest critic.

It is funny to me to think about how much I have come to appreciate Emerson. The first time I read his essay on Self Reliance was in 9th grade and I disliked it, but now it calls to me in so many ways. I remember it because one line stuck with the rebellious teen that I once was "No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature."

I liked it because I was a kid trying to find myself and my place in the world. Now I am a man doing the same thing, but in a slightly different way. I understand things about myself in ways that I couldn't before. I kid around about being As Good As I Once Was. I complain about my body not responding at it used to, but at the same time I am well aware that in many ways I am better than I ever was.

At the gym I have these exceptional workouts- they aren't long but they are intense and I love the results. I see cuts and ripples that had disappeared. The physical changes help to promote and push the mental/emotional side. There are changes taking place here, big life altering moves that will change everything.

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

Douglas Adams

I love that quote. There is so much truth to it. At times my life seems to be more than absurd. I look outside the window and wonder if the universe is trying to push me in certain directions and then I say screw it and go back to steering the ship- or trying to .

If you ask me to tell you what my life will look like in a year I'll tell you that I really don't know. I have my ideas but who knows what can happen. Within the last 18 months 5 contemporaries of mine have died. Four parents and one single man- all my age- all gone. Our grip on this world is tenuous and while I kid around about having hands like a gorilla I am aware of my mortality.

So I look back in the blog and see posts like Triage For a Goldfish- Resuscitating The Fish and smile. I smile because it is a great story and I remember the little boy from the story. I wander through the pages here and remember the tales of flying to Dallas and quotes that inspire me.

I look at this joint and it is all too apparent that I need to shake things up. Things have to change- I have to live a life that sucks the marrow out of the bone. I have to do more than I am doing and devote more energy to chasing my dreams.

When it is all said and done I want my kids to see that dad lived a life worth living. Somewhere I will find the balance between dreams, work and responsibility that I seek. This can't be all that there is. It is simply unacceptable.

I have a lot more to say about this, but sleep calls to me. See you in the a.m.

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