September 04, 2010

Desire


I always knew what I wanted to be
I knew for sure, I knew for sure
Always knew it was them or me
I wanted more, more and more
It's all right, it's O.K.
None of them people gonna take it away
They don't know like I know
And I can't stop 'cause it drives them crazy

It drives them crazy, 'cause I won't be cool
It's too late baby

It's the same old desire
Nothing has changed, nothing's the same
Burning like fire
Don't you ever take my name in vain

Always moving, somewhere else to be
Moving on, moving on
Scream at you and you scream at me
Right or wrong, right or wrong
It's all right, it's O.K.
No one's ever gonna take us away
'Cause they don't know like I know
I gotta keep rockin', 'cause it makes me crazy

It makes me crazy, who needs to be cool
Life's amazing

It's the same old desire
Crazy train, crazy train
Burning like fire
Don't you ever take my name in vain

It's the same old desire
Nothing has changed, nothing's the same
Burning like fire
Don't you ever take my name in vain

Same old desire
Crazy train, crazy train
Burning like fire
Don't you ever take my name in vain
Desire- Ozzy Osbourne

I hear voices inside my head. Little whispers that suggest that maybe I am not enough. Not enough for whatever it is that I am trying to do. They fight for my attention during the day and at night. Whispers that hint that I just don't have it, whatever it may be. They try to prey upon insecurity and doubt- they question my willingness to go the distance.

It is a funny thing these voices that I hear. You are not supposed to say such things. You are not supposed to say that you hear people that aren't really there. That sort of admission is the kind of thing that might lead others to suggest that you go spend time in a room with white walls and fluorescent lighting. A short visit so that someone in a lab coat can talk to you about life. A man or woman with a clipboard and a list of questions that they use to verify whether your grasp on reality is slipping.

But I don't worry about those people, could care less about telling you about the whispers I hear and how they question me. Those voices don't ever tell me to do anything dangerous. They never suggest that I go play on the freeway or take a long walk off the edge of the Santa Monica Pier. All they ever do is ask me to answer their questions about whether I am enough or whether I have it.

I have a standard response to them. I simply tell them to STFU. I put on my headphones and focus on what it is that I want and how I intend to meet that objective. The driving force behind it all is no different from what Ozzy sings about here, Desire. That is it. Desire, force of will and the willingness to take that step into the fog.

That first step into the unknown is exhilarating and frightening. I love testing myself, pushing to see if I can go a little bit further. It is part of why I love playing basketball, or should I say rebounding. It is not size or talent that makes the difference. It is will. It is desire.

And I have it. I have that fire in the belly. I know what it means to want something...badly. Intensity and fire. They drive me. They push me into the breach. They make me take on the bigger guy under the basket. They are part of why in football I loved playing defensive line. The guy across from me might be bigger, but he doesn't have enough fire to stop me. Can't possibly keep it up for an hour, not with the same intensity.

That is how I respond to the voices. It is the best method that I have found for myself. The quickest and most effective response. It might sound like male bravado. Might sound like a man in a silly pissing contest but it works for me and that is what is most important.

It is what I teach my children. I tell them that they will always have the support of their parents and their family, but we can't live their lives for them. All we can do is try to give them the tools to make it happen, whatever it may be. With a little luck and a little effort desire just might be part of that.

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