July 22, 2010

Hooked on the Memory of You

"Time, time standing still,
I know it's you, I always will
Want you to, be here with me
I want you to stay right here with me
I need you to love with me,
Laugh with me,
Forgive the past with me
I know you can"

Truth is that I don't like that song very much, but I know that it means something to you and that is enough for me to include it. It is a baldfaced attempt to get your attention. A little more subtle than paying a pilot to fly banners over your home and easier to understand than smoke signals.

Been thinking about you for obvious reasons, wondering if there is anyway that I can help you with things and frustrated knowing that I can't. I feel a bit like I am living inside a Salvador Dali painting. Things appear to be normal but if you look closely you can see that they aren't quite right.

That doesn't have to mean that they are bad, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are good. What it really says is that perspective has been twisted and distorted in such a way that it is more challenging to see which side is up. Kind of reminds me of this special I saw on television a thousand years ago. Can't remember if it was Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom or Jacques Cousteau.

Kind of think that it was the latter 'cuz I don't remember Marlon Perkins swimming. Anyway, this diver was swimming in pitch black water and couldn't figure out which way was up. Periodically I think about that. I was just a little boy when I saw it, but it frightened me a little. I couldn't understand how you couldn't figure out which way to swim to the surface. As an adult I keep thinking that there are a bunch of ways that you could, but I am well aware that sometimes you can become disoriented.

Disoriented describes my view of you and I. We're disoriented. Instead of holding hands and fighting the fires side by side we're doing so separately. Instead of a team we're two individuals trying to figure out the fastest way to run through the maze to capture the cheese.

It is not a smart way of doing things. We're so much stronger together. Really, formidable the kind of power that we wield would be frightening in the hands of a super villain. I know, I just went to that goofy place that makes you roll your eyes.

But I know that you understand. I know that you remember our secret world and how we knew that it didn't matter what life threw at us. We were so very much in love it was easy. Holding hands or listening to each other breathe provided all the energy that we needed to take on those challenges.

Not so long ago you told me that you didn't think that you were so great. You listed a variety of things that you thought were flaws and I laughed. I laughed because you can't see yourself through my eyes. You don't see the girl who makes my heart pound. You don't see the woman who alternately infuriates and delights me.

If you had my vision you'd never worry because you'd recognize that you have the sort of beauty and grace that will live with me forever. If you could walk through the fields inside my mind you'd understand.

And you need to remember that my vision of you is not so blurred that I don't see flaws. I know who you are and what you are about. It is because of all those things that my feelings are so deep and why I see the potential to live out the sort of life that most people dream of.

Maybe it is nothing but a dream. Maybe it is nothing more than a memory of something that never was what we wanted it to be. It is possible. There have been moments when I have questioned myself, my judgment and my ability to make decisions. 

The first time it happened I was shocked at the realization that I really wasn't sure about my about my ability to make smart decisions. I had never questioned that, not with the ferocity of this particular day. It made me think of a storm. I felt a bit like a sailor who was stuck on a ship that had a broken mast and no tiller. The fury of the ocean and the rage of the winds had me at their mercy.

Eventually the feeling passed and I felt like I was centered again. And I accepted that sometimes I would make mistakes, some of them larger than others. I hate making mistakes. Hate feeling foolish, stupid and silly. But at the same time I appreciate how human it makes me feel. And I appreciate how good you were at making me feel good even when I felt that way.

And I remembered how crazy we could make each other and how good it felt to make up. So what I am really saying is that I am hooked on a memory of you. Convinced that what once was could be again. Not sure if it ever will happen, but not ready to accept that it never can either.

So I make my usual offer to you. Take my hand and step out into the clouds with me. Take my hand and let's go explore the world. Take my hand and be whatever it is we will be.

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