July 03, 2010

Full Circle



People come and go in your life and my life or should I say in our lives. Really I suppose that our lives is the appropriate way to say it even if they are two separate lives because they aren't quite that. Separated that is. There may not be communication in the traditional sense of the word or even that which others would define as such, but it exists.

Such is the world and the way in which things currently are. People, places and things that cannot be explained with logic or rational thought. Matters that should be dealt with such indifference and candor do not apply to affairs of the heart, not now and not ever. It is part of what frustrates and intrigues us. We wish to engage with those we care most deeply about in an open and forthright manner but sometimes do not.

It is not because of some nefarious purpose or chicanery but because we fear to hurt them or those around them. We worry that revealing our true thoughts might be the source of some great offense and wonder what impact that will have. Life has taught us that good intentions do not always lead to a good outcome and though we try hard to do right by all sometimes it is impossible.

And thus we sometimes find ourselves feeling trapped in situations that we would rather not be in. Frustrated because we cannot follow our true heart and feelings, forced to pretend to be someone we are not when all we want to do is grow to become who we wish to be.

Those around us are unaware of the secrets that we are forced to carry deep inside our hearts and the places that should always be filled with sunshine are sometimes filled with rain. Sometimes the solace that we so desperately seek is not truly hidden or forbidden to us. Rather it is cloaked in a garb that leaves it unrecognizable to us as we are now, but open to discovery at a later date.

"Never let go of anyone that you couldn't go a day without thinking about.  There just might be a very good reason why this person is always on your mind. Sometimes, its the brain that knows too well what the heart tries so hard to deny."

So there you are standing in the place in which you thought you had left, full circle is what they call it. You look out the window of your heart and see the place that you had started out and wonder how it is that you came to find yourself standing there way back when.

It is strangely familiar and inviting to be there but also disconcerting because you are not who you were when you left. The long journey and experiences you had have changed you in ways that you don't completely understand. Though you recognize the place and remember the warmth of the sun upon your back you are not sure if you can accept what lies ahead of you.

Others who have stood there before you would say that it is to be expected, this feeling of uncertainty. They'd tell you that if you weren't nervous or concerned about taking that step they would be worried. Who knew that anxiety would be your friend, but it is.

The little whispers in your ear, the voices that urge caution are proof that you have grown and learned. They bear witness that the scars you wear from your journey are proof that you have done something more than just exist. You have lived and loved. You have bathed in fire and come out the other side.

You smile wistfully at the dramatic nature of the reference to fire, but there is much truth to it. That ring of fire you fell into so long ago never stopped burning. Part of what bothers you is that you believed that once you stepped through you would be able to see clearly what lies ahead. You expect to have gained some prescience that would would allow you to be wise and all knowing.

But that is not how it works. You have gained wisdom and understanding. You know far more than you give yourself credit for and now it is a matter of learning how to trust your gut again. In some ways that is the most important part of the lessons of your journey.

For you full circle means that you have returned to the starting line so that you can make your decisions about the future based upon the learning, guidance, knowledge and understanding that these experiences have provided you with.

There is no magic talisman or panacea that you can use. It is what you always knew would happen, you are the talisman. You are the guardian. It is every trite remark, tired cliche or simple end to the stories you so love. You are the only one that fix what is broken. You know what it is you want and you know who it is you wish to become.

All that remains is to take that last step or is it first step into that place you need to be.

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