April 15, 2010

I Still Dream

 I still dream about things that you cannot see, cannot touch but know in your heart. The moments and feelings that cannot be described but only experienced. The quiet times you share with the person that knows you better than any other because only they are allowed to step beyond the gates.

I still dream of hitting a home run to win the game. I stand alone at the plate and wait for the pitch and with one perfect swing I send that ball sailing. Fast ball, waist high and it is gone. Listen to the crack of the bat and start running because I don't dare to jinx it by looking up.

I dream of that touchdown I scored. Broken play, grabbed the ball and take off running right into the heart of the defense. There is no trickery, no fancy moves or spinning to try and make them miss a tackle. It is a combination of dumb luck, brute force and sheer determination. Hands reach in and slap at the ball, bodies slam into me but I keep going. Unlikely and unexpected I keep moving because for that one moment all I know is to keep running. And so I head for the end zone unable to think of looking back for fear of what I might see.

I still dream of that moment in the ring. It was just him against me, two gladiators come to battle to be the last man standing. And you know, you of all people know how hard my heart was pounding and how very frightened I was. The pain of the blows that rained down upon me and the fear of losing was intolerable. Not because it was impossible but because I couldn't stand to lose in front of you. I couldn't take the idea of letting you down, so I stood up and took the shots and gave better than I got. And when it was all said and done I was still standing because I believed in you and I believed in us.

I still dream of that ship we  used to sail in and how it took us from paradise into storms and back to safety. And I still dream of how we fought to keep the elements, how the two of us worked together to make it all happen. I remember how we got lost and how for a while it seemed like we had lost our way and turned into strangers. And just when I thought we had it figured out I was washed overboard. The last thing I saw was you standing there, shouting at me and then the waves took me away.

I still dream about those days in the water and how I fought to keep going. The endless days and nights when it took all that I had to continue but I did. I kept going because I had a dream. I kept going because for a brief time that dream was reality and the tastes, smells and sensations stuck with me.

You can call it what you will. Deem it denial, delusion or delirium but I don't care. Because I battled the demons, the storms and the monsters to find out if the dream could be more than just than that. When my body ached and my heart broke I kept battling because the soul knows something more.

Because when it is separated from its mate it can't ever rest. There is no succor or respite from the drive to reunite. That passion that fuels the fire burns ever so brightly so I search for the star in the sky to guide me back. Instinct, determination and a dream are all I have.

I still dream about the day when we find each other again. My heart it still believes and for now that is enough.

2 comments:

Privilege of Parenting said...

Much truth in this, the need to unite with the soul—the source of guidance, wisdom and nurturance... the Anima that can help us find our right relationship to the outer world

Understanding is the bridge, explaining is pretty much impossible.

Jack said...

Sometimes it is about tuning everything else out so that you can tune in to what is most important.