August 04, 2009

June Is On My Mind

(More material for Fragments of Fiction. The hard part with Fragments of Fiction is that there are so many different fragments it is getting to be a bit more challenging to weave together.)

I have spent a lifetime trying to love June the best way I know how. It hasn't always been easy and it hasn't always been smooth, but I never doubted our love.

Often times when people say lifetime it is part of an expression that is demeaning or derogatory. That's not the case here. When I say lifetime it is because I no longer remember a time when she wasn't a part of me. It is a good thing, sometimes hard, but a good thing.

June and I have a special story that we share. It is a moment in time that never ends. It is the sort of thing that is hard to describe to those who have never had it. It is ok, I don't really feel the need to.

But I can say this much, when June is 85 I'll still see the girl she was and the woman she has become.

We are an interesting couple. Been through the usual peaks and valleys that couples hit. Some of them have been rougher than others. In fact I have thought from time to time that it is craziness to continue. You know, we teach our kids not to touch a hot stove, so what am I doing.

But the thing is this different. It is different because when the flame burns that brightly for another then you have to accept that the bumps are going to be a bit more jarring.

Took a long time for me to accept that. Took a long time for me to accept a lot of things that June knew before I did.

But this is how it goes. There is a reason why people use analogies like roller coasters and carousels. In my mind I often see June riding the horse next to mine. Most of the time our horses go up and down together, but every once in a while they get a bit out of sync.

Over time I have taught myself not to pay any mind to that. Things feel momentarily disjointed and then before you know it they snap back into place.

Main thing to remember is to be patient. There is a balance. Don't want to push too hard, but don't be afraid to push either. That is easier said than done. I don't do well living like that. My nature is to seek and when I have located what I am looking for I go after it full bore.

It is a double edged sword, that sort of intensity. It is motor that powers the engine. Drop me into hell and I'll go toe-to-toe with Satan. Every time I hear the Devil Went Down to Georgia I smile, because I know that I can beat Old Scratch. Call him by whatever name you want, every time the song comes to this verse I smile:
"Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again.
"I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."
You can call it pride or foolish pride, it doesn't matter to me because it is true. I promised June a thousand years ago that if necessary I'd storm the gates of hell for her. I swore that I'd do better than Orpheus and I meant it.

And now we come to the other side of that double edged sword, the place where we take a hard look at things and say well Johnny, what is the hang up. Well, the thing with the kind of intensity I mention is that it has to be reciprocated. It has to be wanted and sometimes even that desire isn't enough.

If you ask me, that is one of the great mysteries of life. Two people can be totally devoted to each other and unquestionably in love yet forced to live separate lives. In theory there are few problems that cannot be overcome. Hypothetically speaking two people can find a way to overcome the kinds of challenges that prevent them from taking the step where they live their lives together.

But sometimes people are placed in a position where they are unable to work on that opportunity. It doesn't mean that they can't or won't, just that they aren't ready. And that my friends is why the intensity isn't always a friend.

Because there are times when the motor is running and there is no where to run. So the trick is to try and find a way to use that energy in a positive way. Pacing back and forth like a caged animal doesn't serve anyone.

So here I am, a boy who fell in love with a girl and dreams of the day when they might be more than a dream.

No comments: