November 26, 2008

Jack & The "Mortgage Broker"

One of the benefits to having a home office is the opportunity to interact with the fine fellows who call my home. If you're one of the 17 long term readers you know that I am not adverse to interacting with telemarketers.

I suppose that it might be considered a bit unfair to play this way, but I find them to be a never ending source of fun. In part it is because I am consistently amazed by the reactions or lack thereof I get to some of the comments I make. I suspect that it is because some of them are bored and with others it is because they don't understand English well enough to follow what is going on.

Here is a recap of a recent conversation:

Jack: Hello.
Mortgage Broker: I am calling for Mr. Jack. May I speak with him?

Jack: This is his personal assistant. Who should I say is calling?
Mortgage Broker: Tell him it is me.

Jack: You want me to say that it is me. He'll be confused if I say it is me calling.
Mortgage Broker: Sorry sir, I am only playing fun with you. Tell him it is John from Marin calling about his mortgage.

Jack: How do you play fun?
Mortgage Broker: It is an expression, like we are having very good times talking.

Jack: Ok, John. Are you sure that you're name is John?
Mortgage Broker: Yes, I am sure. Please get Mr. Jack.

Jack: Hello, this is Mr. Jack.
Mortgage Broker: Are you sure? You sound a lot like his personal assistant.

Jack: And you sound like someone who is about to hear a dial tone. Talk to me.
Mortgage Broker: I am calling because you are paying too much for your mortgage.

Jack: That is not what the bank says.
Mortgage Broker: Sir, I am prepared to help you with a loan modification program.

Jack: Is this like body modification, I don't want any piercings.
Mortgage Broker: No, we can help you save money by giving you a better loan.

Jack: Can you get me a bigger house?
Mortgage Broker: Would you like a bigger house?

Jack: Absolutely. The Shmata Queen likes a big room to romp in.
Mortgage Broker: What sort of romping do you do?

Jack: Did you just ask me what sort of romping The Shmata Queen and I are doing?
Mortgage Broker: Yes sir, what sort of romping do you do? If I understand better I can provide better assistance.

Jack: Well that is sort of a personal question, but I guess that I can answer. The best thing to do is to pull out your copy of the Kama Sutra and turn to page 376. Follow the diagrams there.
Mortgage Broker: Oh sir, you misunderstand me. I am not asking to have sex with you.

Jack: That is good, because I am not offering.
Mortgage Broker: I apologize.

Jack: Ok. What is it that you want to talk about?
Mortgage Broker: We want to give you a better interest rate on your mortgage.

Jack: Ok. What is my rate?
Mortgage Broker: I don't know.

Jack: You just called me and said that you can give me a better rate and you don't know what my rate is.
Mortgage Broker: No, I need you tell me what your current rate is.

Jack: I am disappointed. First you ask about my romping and now the whole interest thing.
Mortgage Broker: Sir, you misunderstand me. Tell me more about your interest and romping and I'll be better able to assist you.

Jack: I am a healthy man with a healthy interest in romping, but I still fail to see how that is any of your business. Where in Marin are you? I don't think you are really there.
Mortgage Broker: I am in Marin in an office.

Jack: Is it the big red building on State Street. The one that has all the cubicles in it. You know, each cubicle has a desk, a telephone and a computer.
Mortgage Broker: Yes, that is the one.

Jack: Oh, that building. It also has a small store on the first floor that sells cards, candy and newspapers. It is the one that Babe Ruth runs.
Mortgage Broker: Yes, that is it.

Jack: Hah, Marin isn't a city. It is a county.
Mortgage Broker: Click, followed by a dial tone.

I was surprised that he hung on for the full five minutes. Where do they get these people anyway.


Bill said...

Canada has a new do not call list that you can register for and anyone calling a person on the list is commiting a crime. That said if he were in Canada Jack would likely not register for this list as he seems to be having way too much fun with this.

Bill said...

Which is worse telemarketers or spamers that spam on telemarketing.

Jack said...


The no call list takes so much fun out of things.

Incidentally I deleted the spam comment which is why your second comment looks out of place.

One Wink at a Time said...

Jack, you are Awesome! You almost make me want to sit by the phone and wait for a telemarketer to call. It would probly be a long wait tho', as I am on that DNC list.

Bill said...

On Global News last night they noted that the problems with the DNC list have actually caused an increase in telemarketing calls. Why because non Canadian companies are selling copies of the DNC list. Why does this not surprise me. When Greed becomes the reason for a company to exist not the production of products or service to the public this is what we can expect.

Jack said...


Can't say that I disagree. Greed has its upside, but you rarely see that in action. All too often it is the source of trouble.