August 14, 2008

I Want To Die

It was more than a little shocking to hear those words spoken aloud.

"I want to die."

The pregnant pause afterwards confirmed that they were completely flabbergasted. No one had expected to hear that and the lack of protestation confirmed that they didn't believe in the speaker's sincerity.

Because you know that if they had taken it seriously there would have been an immediate response, they would have followed up on it, tried to ascertain what the problem was and how they could help.

At least that seems to be the obvious expectation, friends don't sit there while you declare your readiness to end your corporeal existance. And if they do, well either you are a drama queen or you need to get new friends.

A cry for help is a cry for help. Silence is not the answer, but then again maybe it is. Afterall they say that people who are truly intent on committing suicide don't really spell it out, they do it. They act upon their desires.

And the desire to kill oneself can be far more powerful than anyone cares to admit or believe. When you don't have a concrete reason to believe that there is anything after this it makes it much easier to see death as being a respite from the pain, a well earned vacation.

"I want to die."

It is one thing to think it, but once you verbalize it, actually speak the words it takes on new meaning. It becomes more real and you find yourself considering the various methods you can use to commit the deed.

Having a morbid sense of humor it is easy to see what the police would call it:

Homocide against yourself

C'mon now, you know that it is worth a chuckle. Ok, maybe not, but life is lacking, you're not exactly burning up the fun meter. Sadness, depression, frustration and anger are different, you own those feelings, you just know that somewhere there is a dictionary with your picture in it.

For a time there are the thoughts about what your loss would do to the family and the world. Suicide may not be as painless as advertised. You think about how the wife and kids will fare and wonder if your parents will feel responsible. It is almost enough to keep you from trying to pull the trigger. It is almost enough to prevent you from making that first cut, but the blistering pain and the empty, hollow feeling push those thoughts out of your head.

Now all you really want to do is find an escape from the madness. It doesn't matter whether you are truly mentally ill or something else. The pain and misery make you spend much of the day doubled over, wishing you were comatose.

The light of the sun isn't a pleasure, it is torture. Laughter and smiles from others torture your soul further. Your anger is fueled by seeing how others are happy and knowing that you can't share in their happiness.

So the moment comes when you start to entertain the idea of letting go. You play around with ways and means, consider what your note will say, if anything. You can't really explain it, so you don't bother to do much.

A simple note that says "Elvis has left the building" will suffice. Or maybe it should read "will the last person to leave remember to turn out the lights."

End of story, fade to black and utter silence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I found this entertaining, well-written, and almost funny, kind of like the dark "Six Feet Under" kind of funny. Yes, I can almost hear someone say, if I did the unimaginable deed, "oh she left the refrigerator door open" or "why is the garage door still up?" Such bullshit trivia sometimes seems ridiculously and grotesquesly important when faced with tragedy, doesn't it??