May 24, 2008

What If The Plane Crashes

A last minute business trip has me feeling more harried than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Racing around trying to get normal errands and a slew of new ones done in half the time. Disorganized, scrambled, disjointed and a bit disconcerted.

Not how I normally operate, no really it isn't. Breathless, heart pounding, too big a deal to blow and yet not big enough to take that seriously. I find myself short tempered and easily irritated, or maybe that is my normal persona.

Have to be up before the crack of down to race off to the airport to go swimming in uncharted waters. Contradictions abound, confident and nervous, feeling optimistic and despondent. If only I could have a little bit more time things would be easier, but that is not how it is.

It is never easy. Not for me, not for me. The trick is reminding myself that no matter what happens I always land of my feet. Better than a cat, not as graceful, but a thick skull helps cushion the blows.

Gather myself and get composed. All is well. The skitter-scatter of earlier has passed and I am ready to hit the world. All is good. All will be well because I'll make it that way and then the kids hit me.

"Daddy, what happens if the plane crashes?" "Daddy, what happens if it runs out of gas." "Daddy, if you die I am going to cry forever."

Torn by their plaintive cries I reassure them that nothing is going to happen. I flash them my best fatherly smile and sweep them into my arms. I don't know where this fear comes from, but I am here to help them.

Flashes of the auto accident I was in a few years ago remind me that things could have turned out very differently. My car was totaled. Tow truck driver didn't believe that I walked away, called me Superman.

I laugh to myself at the memory and realize that turning 39 bothers me more than I want to admit. Am I really having an early mid life crisis. That is not me, but maybe it is.

I play ball with reckless abandon throwing my body every which way. I am covered in bruises. My knees hurt, an elbow aches and the pinched nerve in my neck is acting up. Every day I fight to prove to myself that the clock has stopped ticking. Every morning I wake up and feel like I got my butt kicked.

"Daddy, can you promise me that the plane will not crash."

Torn, I want to say yes, but part of me hesitates. What if it does. What if I die. Will my lying create more issues. Decide to lie, stats say that it is unlikely.

I used to love flying, but now it has turned into such a pain. I am not real excited about getting on the plane. I'll do it because it is worth doing, but I won't like it.

Make my daughter smile by telling her I need a special princess kiss to protect me. One more hug from her big brother and it is off to bed. Time for me to finish packing.

I am off into the wild blue yonder. My stomach aches and my head hurts. I must really be tired because this whole deal bothers me more than normal. Going to get some shuteye because I know that a good night's rest cures a lot.

Wish me luck and I'll see you later.

2 comments:

muse said...

I'm traveling in a month and you're making me nervous. Actually my whole family, including the grandkids. Why did you make me so nervous?

Jack said...

Why did you make me so nervous?

Incredible powers of telepathy transmitted through the computer.